C. Starr

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CeCe Howlee
35/yesplz/State of denial

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  • Art Copyright Jimmy Ruska

    Here it Comes

    Mood: Juggling Tasks

    Posted on 2013-01-23 22:41:13

       This site is always gonna make me think about Mike-LameMansTerms. I suppose that’s why in my last journal I dedicated it to him. But I realized today that he would think that was crazy, he has his work out there, his page on this site & many other sites where you can view his work. I don’t. He would probably say I was slacking by the little amount I have posted. I miss him & regret so much. Mainly that I took him for granted, that I thought he’d be around a lot longer, that I didn’t keep in contact as much as I should’ve-like he did, and always that I didn’t stay in LA & visit him when I could’ve which was only 4 months before he died. Maybe it would’ve changed something, maybe he would be alive. Ya know, like the golden rule of science fiction, how the slightest things can change the future, I will always wonder if just that visit would’ve changed his future or rather, given him more of one. No, I don’t feel guilty for his death, I just feel regretful I didn’t follow my gut & ditch the guy I was in LA with!
    Sometimes I Google his name-real & alias to see if there is anything I haven’t seen before. I came across his death record today (btw-he died 5 years ago Jan 29th) & I read past journals of his, I looked at pictures & tried to find those rare ones of just him, not the crazy ass ones he photo shopped his head onto, I poked around & stalked his online presence, I searched for the book he was supposed to have coming out before he died, I laughed out loud to things he wrote to me & almost cried, if I hadn’t been at work I probably would’ve broke down from laughter to tears. One thing I still find so unique is how involved he got with people, how deep & emotional he truly was underneath all the jokes, how much he really cared about us. We poets of the elite variety. He wanted to make us better, make us angry, make us reveal the truth & use our almighty words to the best of our abilities. He just had a way about him & a real love of poetry, not necessarily all the poets he came into contact with. HA!
    About 3 years ago I promised to critique poets here with that in mind & to post my own poetry, to try & make something out of it or at the very least get it all out there & let fate decide. But I didn’t do that. I bought a house instead, I went back to work full time, I ended & started relationships, I partied with new & old friends, I saw great live music & made a little of my own, I learned things I needed to…basically I just lived life with the intention of doing “work” part of getting my work out there, but ya know what they say about good intentions and the road to hell being paved with them. So now, I’m a few years older, a few pounds heavier & a lot wiser. Of course I’ve still been writing and posted a couple somewhat new ones here already. I’m always trying to tinker with poems & make the ‘perfect’ before I post them but one thing I’ve learned is you can’t keep all art work to yourself until it’s perfect or you’ll be buried with it. So here it comes…I’m about to post as much as they allow me without commenting on others. I know this sounds bad & the whole point of this site is to have a back & forth relationship with commenting on each other’s work. But I’m gonna be honest here okay ? I have very little time to sit & read/comment with something that isn’t just “this sucks balls” or “thumbs up. Fuckin rad.” See, I’m not Mike & maybe I lack patience, but I rarely comment on a poem unless I like it, if I read a few sentences & I think it’s really bad, I stop reading & move on. And sure, that’s mainly style preference, so maybe someone out there adores that crappy poem I couldn’t get through. Cool. I just don’t really like a lot of the poets I find on this or any other site anymore. Some are good, some are great but most of them are not my cup of tea. The poets I truly loved on this site are gone now in one way or the other. So I’m sorry if I don’t read very much & I submit too much for a while until I get a little more caught up. They won’t be in any kind of order, I will just be pulling stuff from my notebooks & posting them probably more according to mood than anything else. One poem might be 10 years old, the next could be 5 yrs old or from yesterday. You don’t have to comment, you don’t have to even read them, I might like it if you did both. But don’t worry, I won’t stay up at night if you don’t.

    And even though this site will always make me think of Mike I think this will be the last Journal that is really about him-at least for awhile. But I'll still miss him & carry a bit of him with me in the tip of my pen forever. Rest in Peace my friend.



    Like the Wolf

    Mood: Just Hungry

    Posted on 2009-05-08 22:26:16

       Hungry....yes, that is fitting. Not hungry for say...pancakes but for closure. When I joined this site I wasn't sure why I was joining. I've written poetry most of my life but pretty much decided that poets don't make money for their art and so I did it for the love of it, for the....inability to hold them in, for the fact that they rolled around in my head until I wrote them down and sometimes even after. (that's when you know they're good) I guess there is always some little part of any artist that thinks... wishes 'someday i will make money for this, i will have success because damn, other people do and i'm just as good, maybe better.' But that part of me had been stifled for so long by..uh..outside influences, that I just resigned myself to being a salesperson, a wife, an appreciator of art more than someone who was appreciated. So, I guess I joined this site because I was longing to be appreciated. Aren't we all ? Us tortured souls, too creative and eccentric to ever really be normal, just longing to be appreciated for the oddities we are. And for what we create with our odd minds. I got some of what I desired from this site, some great compliments & critiques. But the one true gift, the one thing I really gained from Elite Skills was a true friend...Mike-Lamemansterms. Our friendship was so much more than just that and yet we never met in person. What do you call a close friend who is also your...f*#%*ing poetry twin ?! Who you also have this total love and attraction for. What do you call that ?! We wrote poetry to each other, for each other and about each other. Little pieces of genius sent back and forth with emails. Our friendship went beyond this site, Myspace or any other site we both were part of and communicated through. We talked for hours through IM, talked on the phone and sent the longest drunken messages back & forth. But mainly we communicated through poetry, knew what the other was going through because we could decipher what was metaphor & what was real in each others work.
    He passed away in January of 2008, suddenly and completely unexpected, he leaves behind family, friends, fans and his words, his beautiful, shocking, harsh and endearing words. There will never be another person like him. And yes I'm hungry, for more of those words, his voice, to have him pop up and say silly girl it was all a publicity stunt...my books' coming out soon, didn't you know I had a Machiavelli complex ??!! I'm hungry to know exactley what happened, hungry to have closure, to own something of his to hold forever...so hungry for so much. For my own things too, still hungry for success, for my life to be a little less chaotic, for money and of course appreciation.
    Always hungry for sex and thirsty for.......beer, dirty minds. If Mike were alive he would have so many things to say back to that one sentence. This site will never be the same without him, he was the one who kept me from deleting my page, he was the one I came back for every time and so he is the one this page is now in dedication of. I'll keep posting my work and when I comment on others I will be giving them as Mistress CC, Mike's fav. So get ready you degenerate slaves, you might have to pull your pants down and brace yourself. Love you & miss you always Mikey......
    Mr. Lamemansterms...sweet similiar soul.

    Mistress CC-


    She's Baaaack !

    Mood: Yeay!!

    Posted on 2006-12-27 03:59:34

       So...my internet has been down for about 5 months.
    Down, that makes it sound as if a storm f*cked up my DSL or something. It was down because it was turned off because I have no money ! I have no money because I have become a full fledged starving artist. Neat huh !! So, in June...I think, I was fired from my job with a huge music supplier, some corporate c*cksucker dedided that being injured with a doctors note doesn't really mean I couldn't perform my warehouse duties of lifting over 35 pounds on a consisent basis through out the day. This from a guy who probably hasn't lifted anything heavirt than a stapler in like 10 years ! Oh yeah, I was late the first couple days i came back to work from being injured also, I guess when your getting divorced, being timely isn't the first thing on your mind. It didn't really matter to this guy that other than the last weeks i worked there i was the heart of that fucking place, didn't seem to matter that i had won 1st place in a warehouse contest for going beyond the call of duty and selling the most gear during a sale and it especially didn't matter that i was going through a very tough thing in my personal life. So after that I didn't really feel like jumping up and getting some job that wasn't going to be nearly as cool, for those of you who aren't really artists or musicians....lemme tell ya...after you've had a job in the industry of your chosen art...you really don't want one outside of that industry.
    Anyways, I did some various things for money through the last few months, but have not actually gotten a job. I am about to though, i have decided that I will never really be happy with a regular job anyway, so i might as well just work at BlockBuster for the paycheck, ya know, nothing that i will care about or have to put any thought into. just a paycheck job, that's what i need. due to this lack of....hhhmm..desire....motivation...whatever you want to call it, i have had limited funds and the internet was one of the first things to go.
    other new stuff......well, i have written a few more songs, the last time i wrote a journal i had just written my 1st. Now i'm on my 5th I believe. As i mentioned i am in the process of a divorce. my guitar player, best friend, roommate and I quickly hooked up after the hubby left. Which, admitedly isn't the smartest thing in the world....cough...white stripes....cough cough....fleetwood mac..cough.
    however, i feel with him....i feel something i haven't felt in a long time.....and.....I like it...okay !
    Even i, little miss punk rock, hardcore girl wants real love.
    and i don't know how this will all work out but i am a strong believer in the 'Everything Happens for a Reason' theory and so i try to let fate take me on it's path.
    The thing i fear is total destruction of our friendship and musical relationship if we break up.
    Lord knows i've had my heart broken enough times to be a little conditioned to it, but losing friends is never easy and writing songs with someone, performing with them, practicing with them makes you very close...in a different way than a normal friendship. it's almost more.....spiritual...because the way you relate and communicate is through the music.
    I don't know, i'm getting too deep. It's hard to explain i guess. Before i was in a band i heard that they are like a marriage between (typically)5 people. and i think thats just the closest anyone can get to describe it but it's different than a marriage in the way it feels to your heart, the place those people hold in your heart is different. it's more like family. but a family you usually like more !
    Moving on......
    I have also been painting a lot. trying to finish a large painting in greyscale for a close friend. but then i get sidetracked and i have drawings, charcoal and paintings everywhere.....drying on the kitchen counters...etc.
    Going to my neighborhood punk bar a lot, so many shitty bands....it makes me lose a liitle passion for music when i hear these crap factories night after night, no respect for the stage or the 10 people they are trying to entertain or music in general. when i get like this i have to come home and listen to Billie Holiday or Zeppelin, Bad Brains or Radiohead...something genius has to be pumped into my ears in order to forget the idiocy I just sat through. I know your asking, why go to this bar ?
    Well, my boyfriend does the sound there and so i get in for free and get..uh....some Newcastle for free.
    And, there really aren't any other cool bars on this side of town. and soon, this bar will be closing. In fact very soon...New Years Day. which is just as well, I think i was becoming a bit too much of a barfly.
    Ya know, when people ask whats wrong because your not there, thats not a good sign.
    well, i know this sounds like i'm in a bad place. but i'm not really. I'm actually incredibly happy most of the time, all i lack is money. oh yeah....and a car. that might help too.
    I'm pretty sure the only one who reads my page anymore is Mike....so hey man...what shakin' baby ??
    your cell # is disco fucker. call me. come see me.
    make me laugh like you do so well.
    Luv Ya.



    song title

    Mood: Fuckin' Great !!!!!

    Posted on 2006-05-07 01:20:02

       So......I wrote first song.....the lyrics came from a poem on this site. Your river runs deep...some words have been changed to suit the rhythm of the melody. but mainly it's just how it is on this site. We recorded it and i have to say......it's actually not that bad....i mean....a first song and i know nothing about writing songs. but i am having problems naming it.....your river runs deep is a long title for a song. I have thought of Your Water, Your River, Stains, Stained, ahhhhhh..none of those feel right....give me advice...oh..people of many words....this is where you all come in handy for me...come on....give it to me.



    Mood: Dead Sexy

    Posted on 2006-03-19 12:57:33

       Once upon a time...in fact, almost exactly 1 yr ago.... a very attractive and talented young maiden was surfing the web and came across a website/writing group called Elite Skills....with high hopes she joined this group and submitted her work. At first she was diligent with her responding and posting, she received many wonderful comments and also a few supremely stupid ones. Then she noticed that a lot of the other members of this group were f*ck knobs and wrote crappy poetry. They all stuck together, all the crappy poets making themselves look better by giving each other retarded and overly cheesy praising comments. Some of them even parading around like Shakespeare himself...in tights...trying to tell everyone else how bad they are�at the same time trying to make themselves look more intellectual than reality could allow. At one point this fair maiden just got frustrated and decided to leave the group but the exceedingly brave and handsome Prince Lameman came to the rescue. She decided that it didn't matter if the other members were f*ck knobs, she didn't have to play their game and there would always be people around like Prince Lameman, Lord Vancrown, Princess Drika and he rest of the royal court. Now she lives happily ever after in the valley of sun, she frolics about in a gauzy white dress with small flowers in her hair and writes silly poems on trees. The End.

    She's Back.....

    Mood: Dead Sexy

    Posted on 2006-03-05 19:55:02

       As always...Dead Sexy. So, in my last journal entry I wrote about how I was leaving this site and how I wanted more out of my attempts at trying to be "something". Lameman told me not to go and because he is such a wise and good friend, I listened to him. I logged in every once in awhile to keep my account, but I never checked comments and responded or anything. So if you made a comment or something and I never responded and you think I'm a B*tch...good. No, kidding..sorry folks. Anyhow, in the last few months, in our off time from work and his other band, I have been working with my roommate on some songs. Some of his original songs and some covers. We talked about playing somewhere, ya know, low key, acoustic stuff. But never really put time into...booking a gig. So about 2 weeks ago, a friend of ours....local Thought Crime artist and musician... Matt Spastic sent an email to my roommate and asked him if he could put together an acoustic set by last Thursday, March 2nd. He has a baby kitten that an eye deformity and needs an expensive surgery to correct it or eventually, she will go blind. So he was putting together a benefit show to help raise money for her. (approx...6 days away) He said yes. So, we practiced all week and I didn't eat dairy, didn't get drunk all through the week, didn't smoke cigs nearly as much (but found myself smoking a little more of the green instead). Thursday night.....we show up, zack (my roommate)plays his 4 songs solo. Then I go up, we sing 1 of his original songs...people clap. Then, 1 Cracker song, again people clap... but a little louder this time. Then I sing a Pj Harvey song all by myself... people clap hard....not even my friends...not most of them anyway....it felt great. Then we sing a duet by The SuperSuckers called Hungover together, people clap hard again, not as hard but still a good hearty clap. So, all in all it was a really good first time experience for me. And most importantly it is a baby step towards something I have wanted for a long time. Just a chance at being someone who sings for her supper.

    Watch her go...

    Mood: Dead Sexy

    Posted on 2005-11-03 00:34:03

       I hate to see her go...but it's nice to watch her leave.....Is that how it goes ?
    I don't remember right now, all i know is that this week, no, this last couple months have been very strange...i feel this sort of.....bad mojo...in the air.
    A lot of strange and bad things happening around me and i can't help but wonder....am i next ?
    Is it my turn, like it always is, every so often...oh wait CC you've had 2 good years...now it's time for the 3 shitty ones.
    I have been trying to be a...a what ?
    Some kind of an artist for awhile, i have been writing longer than anything except singing and my voice is pretty fucked from smoking and yelling. SO....i am gonna quit this site within the next week, i dont get any comments anymore and I don't think anyone here is into my writing so...thats it..it's been nice knowing ya.
    Some people here have been really cool and you know who you are but this just isn't doing it for me.
    I need more.
    And if i can't get more out there in the real world, then fuck it...i'm done altogether, not done being an artist (that never leaves you), but done trying to be .......'something'.
    I will walk away from this site remembering some great poetry, some really bad poetry, some ego-maniacs, some posers, some kids searching for themselves just like i was 10+ years ago.
    And i will walk away...remembering Dead Sexy......
    Oh yeah baby...dead, fucking sexy.


    Untitled Entry

    Mood: Frustrated

    Posted on 2005-10-15 16:32:03

    I have reached my 200 day anniversary !!!

    Yet, I only have 3 comments on so many of my poems, what's wrong with you people, even if it's crappy, tell me it's crappy. Say something.....

    Does anyone wonder why I have stopped visting this site more often ?


    As Always

    Mood: Dead Sexy

    Posted on 2005-09-05 02:45:25

       I love that......
    Dead Sexy.
    I wish you could all see me....
    in patent leather knee high boots.
    Pondering your ability to withstand pain.
    Slapping a paddle on my palm.
    Pondering your ability to give me pleasure.

    Yes my sweet lovely slaves.....
    Your Mistress is back.
    And that was just a little piece of something I've been working on.
    Along with the painting and working 40+ hours this last week......
    uhhhhmmmm....yeah...I'm spent.
    I actually fell asleep at the studio the other day while my husbands (and seemingly ever growing project of my own ) band...The Tijuana Poker Sharks recorded more brilliant tracks.
    (for a song called Spinning which I love.)
    Anyway, the weird thing about that is that I never go to bed before 1am. and usually around 3am. But I fell asleep with only 3 beers in my system and shit happening around me, at 11pm.
    To link to the site.

    I guess i have finally gotten old. And I finally understand it. It's trying to do anything when you work more than 40 hours in a week, it's too draining.
    It makes you age.
    We should all only have to work up to 40 and never beyond that.
    It's just cruel.
    I mean take away sleep time and thats like....
    less than 5 hours a day to do....anything else.
    So excuse me if I don't read a bunch of others writings but yet still selfish post mine.
    If it's any consolation I haven't been on Myspace as much either.
    If would like to visit me there the link is....



    Untitled Entry

    Mood: Juggling Tasks

    Posted on 2005-08-24 03:19:15

       So...I haven't been around here much, I am sorry.
    I am a very bad elite friend.
    I am actually doing pretty good right now, have a new job working with music and instruments, so that is fun and a big change for me.
    Also...I have to admit I have been a little distracted by My Space.
    If anyone wants to check me out on there here is the link.