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Janneke -

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  • Art Copyright Jimmy Ruska


    Mood: Bullet

    Posted on 2011-09-12 19:55:46

       I'd rather be incomplete
    than completely without

    I still exist


    Untitled Entry

    Mood: Lonely

    Posted on 2011-08-11 20:19:07

       I should be anywhere but here and that's where you should be, too.

    Untitled Entry

    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2011-06-08 20:35:22

       There is not much left-
    But what has been,


    Not backspaced

    Mood: insomnia

    Posted on 2011-03-08 18:23:59

       It's hard to type out a journal entry if all I do is backspacing.

    I looked through some of my old poems today and I realise that my writer's block can be explained mainly because I have become so much more critical of my own work.

    There is not a single piece posted that I would consider posting nowadays. It's hard to admit but most of it is just too emo to handle and though I have always tried to avoid clichés, they seem so much easier to spot now.

    When put in perspective however, I think that what I wrote when I was 15/16/17/18 was good for someone aged 15/16/17/18. But now that I am 21, all I ever write meets the backspace button.

    I once criticized a writer on ES for being too confident. I actually journaled our conversation because I was so... frustrated with his reaction. All he did was post lines like

    "She cried crimson droplets of pure agony,
    so dark as they escaped her eyes of ebony"

    I actually outdone myself here. Either way, people were cheering him up, saying "oh you're so talented" and I seemed to be the only one who told him that I wasn't really impressed. He didn't care though, he said. He knew he was talented, and used his cheering crowd as proof. I won't say he had no writer's blood at all, but I sure hope he has come to realize that what he wrote was in fact not perfect and that revision is key.
    I told him satisfaction ruins potential, to which he merely replied that if your work is already good enough it does not need improvement.

    There is a significant contrast between that guy and me. I know how to write and I dare say I am talented - which leads me directly to my downfall. I simply do not manage to impress myself, and instead of putting it out there, perhaps for others to read and criticize, I regard it too weak to be shared. Below my standards. And here comes that backspace button again.

    By the way, I never use CTRL+ A + DELETE for what I write, it feels so much better to delete every letter one by one. It seems more like a conscious decision that way.

    I expect a lot from myself, always have, and always will. I just need to find a solution that keeps me critical and simultaneously encourages me to keep on writing.

    Before I even knew how to write, I said I wanted to become a writer. I will be.



    Mood: Sad

    Posted on 2011-03-02 03:16:20

       Bye opa.



    It feels like..

    Mood: .

    Posted on 2010-08-03 10:10:12


    ..a mess

    (a mess is a feeling too)


    Untitled Entry

    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2010-07-03 16:24:28

       ..I think I might implode.


    Mood: Straightening things out...

    Posted on 2010-05-16 07:16:01

       Just my thoughts, you might disagree (it seems a somewhat pessimistic approach).
    Although some people seem to think about that way, it's not really a choice, it's mandatory.
    So while it lasts you better do something instead of wait
    otherwise you'll just experience the feel of a pause.



    Mood: custom.

    Posted on 2010-01-01 11:48:34

       Ok so, it seems to be a tradition of mine, to go back a year and look up the first journal in January.. In which I say I don't do any resolution, but still make some, and check whether I managed to live up to the ones of the previous year. Well now here it is, what I wrote on the second of January, 2009:

    "In cocnlusion,;;; I kinda failed living up to my resolutions. Nonetheless, I will try to make some new ones for 2009.

    - Go to university in september. Even if I don't find out what I want. In that case, i'll go for psychology. Anything is better than continueing my current lifestyle, and I really need to move out.

    - Work out some more. I bought a nice green skipping rope a few weeks ago and I intend on using it. I am also going to try to get back into running, if my knee allows me. And no, it's not because i want to lose weight. I just like working out and getting a runner's high.

    - Finish poems when I start writing them. I dislike seeing all those half-written poems go to waste.

    - Find a gf. Okay. I don't exactly mean it. Besides, crushes and relationships just happen.. You don't decide you want one, that just happens. I kinda repeated myself there. But, a gf would be ncie, let's keep it at that.

    That's all I have to say on the 2nd day of 2009."

    Well well. What is there to say? I can't say I completely failed!

    Some Comments.

    - Going to university in September; WIN! I found a study, intrnational communication & media, and it would be unlike me to not have any doubts, but so far it still seems to be a good choice. The study is not completely what I thought it would be like, but my classmates are pretty cool, and after all those are the ones I'm stuck with. Pretty much living the student life right now. I've loosened up a little, became more.. outgoing, so uhm yes. I live on my own now. I go out, drink beer, learned to appreciate wine [sipping a nice red wine as we speak,], and uh. I dance. sometimes on the bar. =')

    - Working out more. FAIL/WIN. Unless a visit to the physiotherapist every week counts, I failed. I got one of those major injuries in January, which kinda ruined my plans. I did use that skipping rope tho, I was doing well with keeping up this resolution until I got injured. Anyway. I was unable to play basketball for about half of the year, but, for the WIN part: I joined the university team and we have 1,5 hour practice twice a week, quite intensively. I was kinda afraid for injuries and stuff, so I decided not to play in competition yet, but will do so as of now, second half of the season. Sadly though I have a minor ankle injury atm, but I hope this will be okay after a few weeks.

    -Finish poems when I start writing them: FAIL. I hardly write, and when I do, I don't finish. I have started to write prose though. My prose is in Dutch, because after all, I still lack fluency and you'll realise how annoying it is to not be able to say what you want, when attempting to write in a different language.

    -Find a gf: fail?win? I should be careful what to wish for. A big win is that I came out, to my family, to some more friends and well. just to people who matter to me. Unfortunately I messed with a girls heart last year by falling for another girl, who, was my gf for only a short while.. and.. Still annoys the hell out of me. She has never been completely honest with me, is not amazing, keeps finding ways to hurt me and has never heard of 'empathy', and still, I can't let her go. I'm not in love with her either. but there's something about her that makes me want to stay in touch, even though I have all reasons to dislike her. OH WELL.

    In conclusion, I didn't do all that bad.

    2009 has been quite eventful. It had downfalls. But Ive added some amazing memories too. Not the bestest of years, not the worst. I won't elaborate.

    My new resolutions?

    I don't know. I really haven't thought about any. But for traditions sake, I'll mention some points, so I will be able to look back, one year from now. Here it is:

    -Be more open. Because.. I shouldnt keep everything to myself.

    - pass my first year at uni

    - becoming more active on ES again

    - travel somewhere.

    Well. I can't think of anything else. I mean. If I have resolutions, I don't need the first of January to start with them.

    And of course, I wish all of you a hapy new year


    Doing Fine

    Mood: ...

    Posted on 2009-12-03 07:48:23

       Sitting in my room, which quite accurately resembles what's going on in my mind.

    a complete mess.

    I thought I was doing fine, being in university now, meeting new people, living on my own..

    I thought it would help, but eventually it didn't solve anything, at least not on the long run.
    I hardly sleep, forget or just don't feel like eating and sometimes, I just feel too bad to go out and do groceries.. I feel like staying in bed all day long, and sometimes I do, even though I have class. But then I just lie in bed feeling miserable, and not sleeping.

    I'm sober but constantly wishing I wasn't.
    What the hell

    Someone please stab me and let all these thoughts flow out of me.

    I have my parents think that I'm doing fine, and indeed I passed all my courses for the first term, but. that's all that can be said. If they knew what was going on they would have me move back in,
    but I know that will only make things worse,. will suffocate me

    I was trying so hard to get better, to feel better
    Why can I make everybody believe I'm doing well, except myself?


    I wish I was a writer,
    I wish I would still post
    I wish the site wouldn't show signs of decay -- Did anyone notice the forum is gone?
    I wish that I could post about how well I'm doing
    I wish I would talk to my friends on here again

    I miss you.