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  • Art Copyright Jimmy Ruska

    Project # 1

    Mood: lets say motivated.

    Posted on 2010-03-27 02:03:55

       Look up Rise Against.
    And read their lyrics as you listen to their songs.
    It makes me want to cry or go on a rampage, im not sure which.

    My next project is to write 10 poems inspired by their music.



    Mood: Jumpy, bouncing in my seat-y.

    Posted on 2010-02-26 21:55:21

       So I went to Virginia for a few days last week and I dont know what it is about me but i cant be trusted to open my mouth around people with accents, because i will inevitably say something and add some ridiculous version of their accent into my sentence and embarrass myself and that poor soul and you would be embarrassed and honestly its just embarrassing. If you have an accent, save yourself, dont talk to me. Ill just insult you and your entire culture and keep an oblivious smile on my face the whole time.

    So every person I met in Virginia, i greeted with "HOWDY!" I tried to stop myself, but it happened every time, i'd be clamping my jaw shut, and just before I could get it 100% closed, out it would slip, "Howdy." And not jsut Howdy, but "Hhh-OOWWWW-Daaaayyy" "How-day." What does that even mean?!

    Well. any who. this week my car broke down in west virginia, a dead dear head kissed me, my car caught fire while we drove it, i spat sausage gravy all over my two dear friends because they made me laugh while i was eating, i saw the most beautiful sunset ive ever seen in my life, oh, i discovered my dear friend is both changing his legal name And getting married, and i spoke with a beautiful fellow from Spain. it was eventful.

    (Im rambling to make up for all the weeks i havent been online. do you forgive me yet? i can keep going...)

    peace and love. kt


    i never regret.

    Mood: moody.

    Posted on 2010-01-13 21:17:16

       (But today I really want to go back on that.)

    Theres nothing poetic about this.
    Its not dandelions and mint and shamrocks,
    Its not sunshine-smile dimple shadows,
    Its not pretty words curling up your arm.
    Theres nothing holy about this moment.
    Its looking at the floor while he smiles
    and tries so hard... Its laughing as he
    walks away and you really just want to cry
    and run after him but you dont. you just dont.
    Its letting something beautiful jerk around
    on the ground at your feet, with one wing,
    desperately trying to fly, and stomping,
    just stomping right on its other wing...
    for no reason at all.

    Its what could have

    [should have]


    But wasn't.



    Mood: sleepy

    Posted on 2009-11-08 16:36:36

       lately ive been trying a new style, usually my thoughts roll out so fast i have to stop and actually concentrate to put them into coherent sentences, most of the time i dont even know where a word came from or what i meant by it, but it fits. so i stopped worrying about making things make sense and jsut wrote what i saw in my head. a million flashes of images that only my crazy mind could connect. but when i read it, i know exactly what it means. so im going to post some of that sort of thing, and im interested to see what it makes people see and think. ha other than an LSD trip. sinse these poems will mostly be gibberish, ill mark them with roman numerals so yall know the difference between poems you have a chance at understanding and my gibberish.

    i didnt censor anything so these are my most intimate thoughts, ha, but i doubt youll understand what they mean anyway so i feel safe.



    Mood: feelin groovy.

    Posted on 2009-10-19 19:45:41

       last night i was trying to fall asleep but of course i couldnt, i never can, so i just laid there and thought about you. and the strangest memory came back. you packing my lunch when i was in middle school. isnt that a weird thing to remember? but i just started bawling my eyes out. because you made the best lunches. you didnt give me actual food really. you gave me brownies and potato chips and coke and m+ms and twinkeys and sometimes, just sometimes a bologna sandwich. cut in triangles of course. or else it would just be useless right? you understood that kind of thing. how sandwiches have to be cut a certain way or they dont taste as good. i would open my lunch and the other kids would have carrots and salads and fruit juice and id have a bag full of brownies. they were so jealous. back then i had nothing going for me. nothing but you. the cousilor made me come sit in her office for hours and man i would. not. talk. she tried. she even had the nerve to ask if you guys abused me or hit me and just all this crap and i nearly hit Her. that was hard core blasphemy. you were my freekin Hercules or guardian angel my god, you really were.
    but back to lunches. well you know dad just sucks at that stuff. he puts like nasty stuff in my lunch. like his nasty ham sandwiches with that bread that tastes like sawdust and his flavored bubble water that makes me gag and just all this stuff that he would like but he doesnt think about me at all. he doesnt know me at all. and i dont think he wants to. thats what sucks about having you gone. you know i write now. i used to write here and there and you used to love my stories and youd get this huge smile and it wouldnt come off for like an hour straight and youd just walk around like that, with that smile like you were the proudest parent in the whole world cuz i wrote a lil poem. he doesnt smile. he tells me its all wrong and the guy cant die at the end and no one wants to read a sad ending. but you knew, you knew it was good cuz it was honest.
    and we used to watch those horror movies when i was a baby and when i was four and when i was six and ten and fourteen, we just watched movies all the time. zombies eating brains and tearing limbs off and black and white stuff that was so spooky cuz the girl would just stand there and stare and you never knew when she was going to hiss or like jump off the cliff or was she going to attack? it was so cheesy and great. and id get so scared id huddle up into you and curl up on your lap. and those vampire movies and oh man you got me hooked on vampire mum they are sexy youre right. i always wanted to be a vampire when i was little. im not sure if you knew that but i did. i knew that if a vampire hopped in my bedroom and asked if id join i would say heck yes man bite me cuz i hated life and i was so angry and being strong and beautiful and mysterious and all those things were a fairytale to me. but dad, he saw i brought a movie about a demon hunter and he said i was being ungodly and it was satanic and he was gunno come into my soul and i was gunna fall from Christ all cuz of a movie. right. it was about a guy who HUNTS demons. hes ridding the world of them not contributing. hes such a stiff. ma you wouldnt even wear clothes. and he, he still says i look like trash and like a bum and ugly all the time. you know how much i hated him for that. always saying i looked ugly. if i wanted to go to school naked you would have let me. you would have thought it was funny and gone around naked to. thats what i miss. being stupid. were not stupid anymore. everythings so serious sinse you left. j just screams at pa and pa just yells back and storms around slamming things and then he overdoses and then he goes to the hospital and then court and then home then rehab then home then jail, now hes in prison. he never tried to kill himself before you left. and i never ever say pa cry before you left. its so screwed up here. you held us together. you were the only thing. were like strangers now. we all loved you but we never knew eachother and now its so akward and it just sucks ma.
    i write all this cuz i dont want to forget you even the sad terrible stuff like you falling and breaking your rib for the first time andi didnt know what to do so i just stood there over you and cried till dad got home. and when you started nearly crashing the car cuz you couldnt see and i had to jerk the wheel back onto the road so we didnt run those people over. it was kinda funny after, we laughed, but it was horrifying when i thought about it. and then you came home from the doctor and your eyes were bleeding and you looked like a zombie like theyd cut your eyes out and put clay there instead and i said whats wrong and you said they messed up and you wouldnt see ever again. you were blind and you never knew if i was walking in the room cuz i was so quiet and you never knew i was right next to you when you were crying, you were so tough for me, always so tough. smilling and brave and then when you were alone you just lost it. momma. and that day you almost killed yourself and i had to stop you. i was so scared. i was so scared. and you had no idea what you were doing cuz you were losing your mind and you forgot you couldnt do stuff like walk down steps. cuz they were metal steps and they were all the way down to the basement and you couldnt even stand for more then a few seconds and i dont know, were you trying to kill yourself or did you really forget? and it was a miracle it was only God that i was home that day sick and i woke up for no reason at all and i went to look for you, i just woke up and knew i needed to find you, isnt that weird, and some people dont believe in God, ha, but you were there at the top of the steps with your foot out like you were taking a step into open air, just half a second from falling and i shouted and pulled you back and you had this confused look on your face like what are you doing? i just want to do the laundry. you hadnt done the laundry in 4 years. then watching you struggle on that hospital bed, writhing and silently screaming and crying and i couldnt do anything except love you and tell you i loved you and i didnt even do that. i always left and dad stayed and i never stayed and i should have been there and ill never ever ever forgive myself for that. God says to forgive but i cant. not that. i left you there to suffer and die by yourself. ill never ever forgive. you were my hero and i was your judas and i sold out. mama im so sorry . im so sorry.
    you know im getting a tattoo for you. a big ol tree that crawls all the way up my arm. you would have liked that. mama tree and youd tell me stories at night, id cuddle up to you because i was too afraid to sleep by myself. i still cant sleep by myself. i make the dog sleep in my arms cuz i get so lonely. isnt that stupid? but you used to hold me and whisper stories in my ear, about the forest and pretend we were trees and youd say, "its a cold night little tree better get close, closer! its winter and the snow is all around and its nighttime and all the little bambis are all nestled up and sleeping and we should sleep too, so close your eyes. can you hear the wind? shhhh shhhhh shhhh" and youd just stroke me and whisper shhhhh while i fell asleep. and sometimes wed listen to the radio full blast and sing to oldies songs till 5 am and then id finally fall asleep and id ahve to go to school at 8. but sometimes youd call in for me and pretend i was sick so we could make cookies and bronies and go to the movie theater and sneak into 4 movies in one day and wed buy like 10 bags of popcorn and id always choke on a piece ever time. and then there was that time i had to pee super bad and it was such a scary movie and i hate scary movies and the killer was aboutto strike and i didnt want to be around when he did so i got up and tried to climb over youbut you thought it would be funny to stick your leg out and trip me, so i fell and smacked my head on the wall which was really a speaker, surround sound you know, and the killer struck with these high pitched screeching sound effects and my ear pressed against the speaker which was taller then i was and it scared me about out of my skin, and i just got back up and went back to my seat and you asked, "didnt you have to pee" and i said, "i just did" and i loved you so much ever when you were a butt face. i miss you. oh and im still sick you know how i used to stay up all night and id puke so much you got worried i was puking up organs cuz you knew i hadnt eated that much. and i was so sick all the time you know. im still like that. but it doesnt scare me as much. i just kinda deal with it when i can. but it still kills me sometimes and theres still days i cant get out of bed. and days like taht i miss you so much cuz the matress doesnt slope down to where you and your big ol self would lay anymore, and i just wish. i just wish. and i miss you holding my hair back while i just laid my head on the seat and threw up over and over and sometimes it would get so bad wed go to the hospital and they never figured out what was wrong. and remember that one test? they told me i had to drink that huge bottle of stuff and that made me even more sick and you said "honey why dont you let me drink half of it? baby youre turning green gimme that!" and you ran off and i took a nap and when i woke up half the bottle was gone and it tasted like baby vomit and i asked if you dumped it out and you said no and i just smiled and loved you and the doctor never even noticed. and that time my coach yeleld at me and you called him and yelled back and ive never seen you so mad and i was so embarrassed but it still felt good cuz it was mean what he said.
    and theres this smile you used to do. this look youd get like theres nothing on earth that could make you happier then you were right at that moment, and i loved that look and it looked painful how big that smile was and like you might cry you were so happy and you know what i loved most about it was that you were giving it to me. and mama i kept taht smile. i have your smile. your crooked thin little lips that look like a squiggly line instead of a straight line cuz they dont fit together right but it makes us all the prettier. and your hair, the exact same color, i remember when i sat in your lap and id lean my head against you, wed look down and we couldnt tell whose hair was whose. i miss that. and i miss you brushing my hair even though i hated it and you writing me notes when ever you left the house, or even the room, notes that said where you were and you would be right back and you loved me and you love me and you loved me. i miss your cooking even though you never cooked much. when you did it was magic. i miss everything.


    Life is ecstasy

    Mood: stupid sniffle cough cold

    Posted on 2009-09-29 16:28:30

       Life is ecstasy.

    That’s it. That’s what this reminds me of. Its autumn and my fingers are always freezing but I love that feeling I cant imagine why but I love that cold wind nipping at me but not cold enough to numb me completely. Ahhhh. I cant describe it. Oh but the colors, the chocolate browns and ruby bright reds and deep crimson reds and just a touch of sunflower yellow and ugly dried out grey brown and vibrant orange and cinnamon and brow sugar and orange peels and apple pie and winter coats buttoned up to the very top and scarves that dance behind their masters as they rush about and sweet couples that stroll through the leaves and savor every crinkle crack crisp and clear and cluttered sidewalks and lean into eachother with big goofy smiles and bright gleaming eyes and their breath drifts from their lips and tangles in eachother and dances away like hot chocolate and coffee steaming and soothing chapped lips and sore throats and red burning cold hands and blushing warm cheeks and smiles that make you want to fall in love and wake up with cold toes and shivers and warm breath on your cheek and cranky college students that stay up all morning typing poems with a frustrated brow and then they notice your not breathing so loudly and he turns to see you watching with that easy soft touch of a smile and he gives you just this huge sloppy puppy eyed grin that just melts your heart and youre so young and youll always be young and youll always be just as stupid and carefree and adorable as you are now and nothing will ever convince you that life isn’t worth living and that life is boring because life is ecstasy and the rest is lies.


    inspired by merlin's gift by: glen bowman.



    Mood: vexed

    Posted on 2009-09-25 01:46:26

       There's nothing worse than losing a good poem. i cant imagine where it ran off to. it was right there in my notebook and it decided to go ninja on me and become invisible. i cant rewrite the same thing, itll just be a cheap impression. bah. annoyance.


    Mood: happily surprised.

    Posted on 2009-09-09 23:20:37

       its going to sound silly and insignificant when i write it, but it was really the sweetest moment. i had to use every once of my will power not to start weeping like a lunatic. now i understand the phrase, "choking back tears" they actually choke you!

    well i have this strange love for soccer. football in europe, whatever you call it. i love it. i always go to see the high school games. and this little fellow named mikey is always always there. every game i can remember, ive always seen him theres watching the game with awe.

    hes this tiny, short chubby little guy, with a billion billion freckles all over his face, and bright rosy cheeks. im not sure quite what it is but he has some disabling mental disease. when he walks he leans so far to the side your always very nervous hes going to topple over at any moment. he sort of waddles about with this huge grin on his face. never speaks. such an adorable bugger.

    well so the coaches are wonderful with him. they let him come sit on the bench with all the players, he bugs them constantly, its great, they even gave him a jersey so he could feel part of the team.

    today i sat and watched the start of the game. the ref blew the whistle, and i see this chubble lil fellow who is so obviously not a soccer player, running across the field with the ball. lil mikey was dribbling the ball down the field, full speed, which was quite slow, but his whole team jogged along with him shouting and clapping, "Come on buddy you got this! your almost there, keep going!" the other team was awesome too, they did these huge dramatic lunges, pretending to try and steal it and miss, but they were really just jumping out of his way so he could get a clear shot at the goal. it was so sweet. and he shoots the ball, it rolled in so slow but the goalie still managed to make it look like he really tried to dive and save it. oh my goodness that little guy was so happy, the buzzer screamed its victory buz, the whole crowd was just as moved as i was and all clapped like maniacs. the lil guy way so happy i cant even explain. he started dancing, swinging his arms around and jumping his way back to the side lines.

    he was a soccer player for a day. it was something you had to see to fully appreciate, but just that both teams would be so loving to do something like that for the kid. he literally idolizes the players and the game and everything. oh dear. ha. it was great.

    See. Told you it would sound silly. But it stole my heart. Awesome moment.