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Pleading The 5th
26/f/your brain

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  • Art Copyright Jimmy Ruska

    Hey, wow!

    Mood: Guess what!?

    Posted on 2015-09-05 06:59:21

       It's been SOOOOOO long, you guys! I'm not even sure if anyone I used to be familiar with is still here. But anyway, I'm really old now, as it's been about 8 years since I even joined this awesome website.
    Good news is, I'm still writing. Bad news is, it's not nearly as frequent as it used to be. Adulthood is rough, man. I've still done some punk things and lived, more or less, how I wanted. But still.

    Anyway, I'm going to try to update with a few recent things I've written and get to viewing and commenting on the current influx of writing here.

    Life is bananas and you bet I've got so many stories since we last spoke.


    Untitled Entry

    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2009-04-17 17:28:27

       Sometimes when you think it's thrown everything at you that it possibly can, it grabs the kitchen sink and hurls it straight for your head.
    And in those five seconds of fight or flight moment, you gotta make the decision. Face what's coming, grab a hefty catchers mit and try your best to catch the sink and keep yourself from injury... or... duck and run away.
    And sometimes what's thrown is simply a rubber ducky and sometimes its an atomic bomb. In this case, it's quite the bomb.
    But what I've learned, in this past week, is that everyone has the knowledge in them to diffuse that bomb so that when it lands no one is hurt. Yeah, having a bomb heading for your peaceful home is stressful, sometimes you think you can't handle it. But what else are you going to do? You can't change the fact that it's soaring headlong straight for you and everything you love, you just gotta reach deep inside and find the code to render it harmless.
    And that's the end of my metaphor.
    No one, honestly, is ready for a child. No matter what age or place in life, even if they think they are. If everyone were to wait until they thought they were emotionally or financially ready, the human race would be extinct and no one would have children.
    No, I don't feel that I'm ready. I won't even be ready when it's here. But you know what? What else can I do but try my hardest to be as ready as I can? There's no other choice, I can't run. And I don't want to.
    People on the outside might worry, "How do you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and have a child with him?" or "You said you loved your last boyfriend."
    And what those people must understand is that there are first loves and there are true loves. My ex was my first, obviously since he was the first guy to treat me like a human being. But I can honestly say, if I were in this situation with him... I'd run. I would've either found a way to get the money for an abortion or given it up for adoption and never talked to him again. I knew, even when I lived with him, that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'd've killed him! But he doesn't even matter. No one matters like Austin does. And he, he is my true love. I know this because, in my painfully analytical mind, I've thought about it a million times. I've lost sleep over it. Just to make sure that I know, 100%, that he is the person I want to go through this with, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've assessed this situation in my freakouts and out of them. I've looked at it from every angle possible, asked every question to myself that I could think about. And no, there is no other person imaginable or in existance that I would go through this with.
    We have a good, loving, secure relationship. Even the prospect of a baby couldn't ruin that. Nothing can. Therefore I know I'll make it, because I know that we'll make it.
    No, I wasn't mature enough. But one thing is for sure, I've done an unimaginable amount of maturing since I got this news. Assessing this situation from every angle possible, asking all the "what ifs", telling family and friends, telling his family, going through the stressful times and not once falling victim to any of my "bad habits" I'm in recovery for. I've felt the absolute worst, emotionally, that I ever have. Such a terrible, heartwrenching mixture of emotions I never knew existed. To the point where I would gladly trade that kind of pain to the darkest moments with my eating disorders. They were a breeze compared to this. But you know what? I've still not cut, or taken pills, or drank myself into a coma, or starved, or puked. Because I know that nothing is worth it. Is that not maturing? And I haven't wavered in my decision to keep this child. Yes, I've freaked out, thinking "How am I going to do this?" (but who doesn't?), but I haven't said "That's it. I'm giving it up for adoption." I'm answering to my actions, however unplanned they may be. Is that not maturing?
    I just know that everything, no matter how seemingly unpleasant at the time, happens for a reason. Though I may not see the reason right now, there is one. I've looked back on every not-so-good occurence in my past and found something good that came out of it.
    The divorce? We had to move into the village and get on food stamps, after being nearly rich and living the "american dream" but you know what? I wouldn't change that. I learned so much about the world and about life and about doing without. I've learned that I -can- make it, no matter how little money we have and no matter how badly it seems the heavens gave up on you. I'm better for it.
    The disorders? I've learned that I have a great amount of inner strength. It takes so much determination, you have to be unimaginably strong to do without food (a thing so vital to life itself) for weeks at a time. I realize that I found that strength through the wrong reasons, but it's there none the less. I'm stronger for it.
    So much, the worst situations imaginable, always ends up to be something good in the end. You may not see it at the time, you may hate life at the time, but when it's all said and done and you see the reason... I'll bet you all the money I have that you wouldn't change a thing.
    Even now, in this situation that i'm in, I wouldn't change anything. Yeah, I wish this hadn't happened... but if I could change it, make it so that this wasn't happening, it'd probably come at the cost of having never met Austin. And you know what? I wouldn't change that.
    I've never been so sure in my life, of anything, as I am about my love for him. And I never thought I could be so sure in recovery. I've only doubted it once, though I didn't act on it. And I'm sure, positive, that I'll get through this.
    It's just a bomb that life has chucked at my head, and I'll find the combination to diffuse it... It won't be the ruination of my life. The only way it could be is if I let it. Yes, I could surrender and give up on all my passions. But that's my choice. It's not the baby making me give up. It'd be me. And I'm not giving up. I'm still going to go to college. I'm still going to keep writing. Just because I have a child doesn't mean my future is pitch black and that my mind will give up. If anything it'll keep me on my toes enough and my mind will flourish.
    People have survived through worse. It's all a matter of will. They were determined enough to make it. The ones who weren't fell by the wayside. I'm one of those who will make it. It will be hard, the hardest thing I've had to do in my life, but I'll make it.
    I don't surrender to anything. I'm fucking defiant as hell. I screamed loud and flailed at a failed protest at school. So why would I lie down and take it now? I won't.
    This is happening. We'll handle it. I'll have a child to love and to raise, albeit a bit early... but I'll still have my life.
    To say the least, my life is changed. I've changed. Trivial things just don't matter to me anymore. And things I once thought trivial are the world.



    Mood: Overwhelmed

    Posted on 2009-04-09 02:55:38

       My aunt died.
    My cat died.

    And my best friend might be dead.




    Mood: feelin kinda silly!

    Posted on 2009-04-07 16:39:18

       I've been awake for over a day now! And I'm cracked out on tea and coffee and excitement!

    And I wrote a few little ditties. They went a like thaes.

    24 hours and still kicking
    Itfs probably this cocaine Ifm drinking
    Oh itfs caffeine, I was mistaken
    Meant to be stirred, not shaken

    Oh, jolly, plump bluebird;

    Do you bring with you the spring?

    My bones ache for the comfort

    That your song might give to me.

    Please sing to mother nature

    And tell her to calm down.

    Ifm weary from the cold here.

    The time for birth is now.

    Oh, jolly, plump bluebird,

    Carry with you my dream;

    And fly off to the Old Ones

    So that the Sun may beam.

    You know sometimes I really doubt

    Whatfs going on, what wefre about.

    How we are no more chained down

    Than a plump man might be with a crown.

    At times I feel Ifm in a dream,

    Slowly drifting down a stream;

    But when I rise from my sleep,

    There you are, right next to me.

    And though I doubt, I feel I know

    The paddles are here, and that we row

    Down this river hand in hand,

    And heart in heart to a better land.

    And in your smile it all does shine;

    That I am yours and you are mine,

    That there is no need for doubt

    When broken hearts, we are without.

    I watch the sun with weary eyes

    And dream of bed, my well earned prize.

    I wonder why I always set

    When he chooses to rise.

    and just in case you wanted to know... weirdo... the title says "I am an inky squid!"
    DD It's so silly!
    Cos earlier I thought of like, since I write so much and it's like my life, I could make a metaphor where I'd say "my blood is ink"... but would that make me a squid?

    Hmmmmm. Ponder on that a bit and see where it gets you!
    Eels in your pants! That's where!


    OH MY GOD!

    Mood: Guess what!?

    Posted on 2009-04-07 06:54:59

       So... I was going to go to bed when I decided to text my friend this long thing, trying to smooth things out blah blah blah. And I woke up a bit.
    So I made some tea and jotted down a poem. Found an ad for cheap laptops (which is a find cos mine's been dead since Sept) found a scratch off and won... and to make the day THE MOST AMAZING DAY EVER....

    There's a freaking open mic night IN MY TOWN -TONIGHT-!

    But the catch is... it's at 7pm and my mom gets home from work at 6:25pm after a 12 hour shift. So I have to:

    Clean every room in the house
    do the dishes
    do the laundry
    do the litter box
    plan dinner
    make it smell nice
    and clean and organize and re-arrange my room!

    So maybe she'll understand the urgency of this opportunity and take me! *explodes* oh my god. I've never been able to read my poetry in front of people who share my passion! It's going to be amazing!

    I WILL get there! >.< /



    Mood: Tired

    Posted on 2009-04-07 05:42:47

       college is a headache- and I'm only trying to figure out how to apply. u.u

    aaaaaaaand, procrastination is a bitch.



    Check it out!

    Mood: Moo! 0.o

    Posted on 2009-04-03 05:02:34

       I found another great site for submitting and reviewing writing! =O
    And it's freeking amazing! It's one of the most active I've ever been on, and it looks really sleek- so that's a plus!



    Mood: Overwhelmed

    Posted on 2009-04-01 15:55:35

       Everything's born again.

    I put on my vintage cowboy boots, a gift from my now-deceased grandmother. And I walked off the back deck out into the living world, in my hello kitty pajamas and Journey shirt.
    Usually the new, bright green of the grass, the birds flying around, the bunnies in the woods, it all would've made me happy. But I have so much despair in me, like a raging ocean, a maelstrom filling me to the brim. I can close my eyes and it'll calm, but as soon as I think or I breathe, the waves lash the beach and escape from my eyes.
    Well, I knelt by his grave. Milo, my cat I had for 9 years. My best friend. The one who was there when I first went crazy. The one who, though he couldn't comprehend, was always there to look at me and say in silence that it all would be ok. The one who, with his warmth, could soothe me to sleep with his purrs.
    I updated him, like I usually do from time to time, on what had been going on in my life. And after enough had built up, I broke the news to him. The ocean overflowed. And the ground around him was dampened. I asked him, though I know he cannot speak, for guidance. I told him my troubles.
    And at the end of it all, when time came to clean my nosering, I drew a heart on the exposed dirt. I threw my cigarette into the woods and walked back inside.

    Everything is changed.
    And I fear the unknown.

    Which is all anything is right now.



    Mood: fuck it

    Posted on 2009-03-31 04:31:33

       guess what
    my life is over


    Oh lord

    Mood: freaking the freek out

    Posted on 2009-03-30 16:11:46

    this is what I hate the most
    the uncertainty
    the frantic attempts at making it dissappear
    the thought of my whole life being ruined
    by one moment

    and now I'm not the only one that knows
    and killing isn't an option

    Please let it be negative.