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Derik zzzzzzzzzzzzz
I'm an adult dude.

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  • Art Copyright Jimmy Ruska

    Something new

    Mood: I won!

    Posted on 2009-03-20 13:13:53

       My life is taking on a completely new meaning...


    Mood: Ironic

    Posted on 2008-05-09 01:24:23

       Karma is a MOTHER FUCKER.... I am paying for my shit right here right now, I am SURE of it.

    I am wrapped up in what I KNOW for certain is wrong in just about every way, but I have no strength to let go. I have found my kryptonite... Hopefully, I'll get my miracle soon though. Everyone is entitled to one I think.

    Once I have paid for my wrongs, I'll be prepared to do things right I believe. Anyway, if you know me or wish to pretend you know me... you know that it is likely pretty fucking funny that I am experiencing what I have been experiencing lately.



    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2007-10-11 00:16:32

       Life has been teaching me quite a bit lately, and I am thankful for that.


    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2007-05-10 19:02:53

       Well, I just recently realized something...

    once I've moved on from someone for a while, I've noticed that the anger that I hold inside myself has stopped being taken out on innocent others...

    I'm kinder and more concerned about other people, and I owe it to someone else... someone who is NOT a counterfeit.

    Sure, i still have a temper from time to time, but I don't hurt others with it anymore.

    not to mention, I am more comfortable being myself than I have EVER been, and I am much better prepared to be successful in my undertakings.



    Untitled Entry

    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2007-01-22 09:49:26

       she doesn't deserve:

    An expensive wedding ring.
    The pride of walking with a good looking man.
    The satisfaction and the pleasure she had when the sex mattered
    The security of being held by a man that loves her.
    A man that is faithful to her.
    A man that respects her.
    A man that loves her enough to admit that he is wrong.
    A man that's concerned about her health.
    A man that loves her enough to seek changes in his thinking.
    A man that thinks about her everytime he's out.
    A man to lift her up when she's down.
    A man that shares all he has with her no matter how big or small.
    A man that sees her for more than sex.
    A man who wants to treat her right.
    A man that loves even the scent she carries.
    A man that can't get her off of his mind.
    A man that seeks after the Lord, and His wisdom.
    A man to raise a Christian family with.
    A man who's real, honest, and true.
    A man who can stand up and be a man.
    A man who stands up for her.
    A man who tells the truth when he says he loves her.
    A man who doesn't want to breathe without her.
    A man who buys her stuff to make her smile.
    A man who still loves her, when she breaks his heart.
    A man who would walk away.

    In short, she doesn't deserve ME because she's a liar, a cheater and a manipulator and that's not gonna change.


    Untitled Entry

    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2007-01-20 13:17:37

       so I lose... I have lost all that mattered to me... It wasn't my choice, just my timing was too late. what is there to live for, if all of you wants your heart to just stop beating?


    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2007-01-18 16:54:29

       I didn't know that I had THESE problems.. I thought that I was ok. I just realized while staying with a friend that I was very abusive to michelle, and I pray that I can have another chance with her, but The Lord can't breach free will. You see, I hurt her.. actually It became an everyday thing, and I was very wrong for it. I understand that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but love is forever is it not?

    I'm sorry.



    Mood: Overwhelmed

    Posted on 2007-01-07 13:42:22

       Well... look at this:

    I have been wrong. I care about no one but myself, and that is how I have always been. No remorse, No regrets right?

    Yeah right!

    If you would have told me just a couple of months ago that I would even come close to caring this much, I would have laughed at you and called you crazy. I probably would have used profanity as well...

    But come to find out, If you would have said so, you would have been right. I feel EXTREMELY bad, and I am starting to feel weakened spiritually as well. It's not just the consequences for my manipulative and proud behaviour that I feel so bad about, But that is definately the biggest part of it.

    The pain is so strong that I physically can't stand up when I feel it, I have even thrown up because of it.

    It's funny, I have just realized that Love is powerful enough to make even the impossible happen when you have it... but it is painful enough to physically hurt and to suffer when you lose it.

    At one time... all I had to do was get a job. But I was too proud to take just ANY job, I had to have what I wanted. And then, I would use manipulation to justify my pride. I walked all over people I cared about,(yeah, I did, and still do care about them) because I was putting not myself first, but my PRIDE first.

    They were patient with me, when I should have shared my thoughts and feelings with them.

    Then, when I finally did get a job, all that I had to do was drive my OWN vehicle, but then again, the same old stuff. I was too proud to do that, and I used manipulation to justify it. In that process, I continued to walk all over people who have shown me through their patience and their love that they cared about me. (yeah, they did care, but I killed that)
    all of that I did with no remorse... and Now, I feel bad that I have been that way to those GOOD people, and that I have mistreated them, but BAD isn't good enough...

    I feel horrible because of the consequences and I don't ever wish to treat someone like that again. Maybe the Lord is using my feelings from the consequences to bring about change.

    The biggest part that bothers me, which surprises me VERY much is not the fact that I have lost the woman that I love, but the fact that those loving people have been hurt to the point of not even giving me a chance to repent to them...

    I feel horrible.



    Mood: Depressed

    Posted on 2007-01-06 13:25:15

       You live and then you die... what's the moral of the story?


    Mood: The Usual

    Posted on 2007-01-05 15:42:32

       I didn't expect what i found out today.

    OMG. the Lord is very powerful, and He blesses us when we serve Him as we should.