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User	joeyalphabet | 2005-08-15 |
Subject	untitled
Message	Glad to help. If you are unsure about the language [which I totally understand; English is a crazy language], my suggestion is to keep things as simple as you can. That way there is less chance that you will make a lot of mistakes. Peace, Joey

User	orchidstar | 2005-08-14 |
Subject	joeyalphabet,thanks!
Message	I just scanned your replies and ur comments were right on target. maybe my essay is funny to native speaker because I don’t know or sure many things, including some word usage, some history, some culture and the like. As the say goes, "with rejoicing in hope; patience in tribulation." the work is painstaking and so, sometimes I hope you and some kind guys can help me out. good day and thanks again!

User	joeyalphabet | 2005-08-14 |
Subject	untitled
Message	PS. Pick someone else as your example. Einstein didn’t care about money or even the acclaim he received. Talk about the everyday worker who has an impact, a police officer who gave his/her life in the line of duty(the officers and firefighters who died on 9/11 would be a terrific example here), or maybe a teacher who greatly influenced you and a lot of others; that makes for far more interesting reading. :-)

User	joeyalphabet | 2005-08-14 |
Subject	untitled
Message	You do an OK job with this, but you need to prove your point, otherwise it’s not an argumentative essay. Give one or two examples. Kobe Bryant would be a good one. Another would be Michael Jackson. Support your arguments with examples and facts. My suggestions for changes are in [brackets]; comments are CAPITALIZED. Keep your thoughts straightforward and simple. Complicated words and long sentences aren’t impressive. In fact, they often have the opposite effect on the reader. I’m guessing English isn’t your first language. You really need to work out what you want to say and then how to say it. Keep working on this; it’s a good start. When faced with the issue of whether it is rational that some famous athletes and entertainers earn [tens of] millions of dollars annually[, many] individuals strongly claim they are deserved because,] as the saying goes, "No pain, no gain[.]" [T]heir income is the outcome [decades of] training, day in and day out[; however,] if someone were to [ask my perspective,] TRY NOT TO BE TOO WORDY. THE DIRECT PATH IS OFTEN THE BEST I would like to oppose this statement. The [various reasons for this which] I will enunciate in more detail, stem primarily from my personality. YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS [Firstly, many scientists and elementary school teachers who [add] far more to society earn only a small fraction of the income of those stars [One has to ask onself]: ]who really makes the more significant contribution] to society? Why do we give famous athletes and [entertainers higher] ELIMINATE UNCESSARY WORDS priority? I believe that, everyone should earn the money according to his or her contribution. [There] is no better illustration of this idea other than the example of Albert Einstein. Certainly, he made myriad benefit to the society and therefore this year was designate as "Einstein year." [Although acclaimed and respected, did] he make a fortune by using his achievement? Of course not. Such an extreme inequality in our salary system evokes our deep consideration and drives us to find out an equitable criterion of social value. Concomitantly, the result that those celebrities are millionaires imposes negative effect[s] on many [people], particularly juvenile. The benefits from the stars’ spectacular performances have been largely exaggerated and most people ignore the fact that they are incumbent to do their jobs well. YOU NEED TO REPHRASE HERE. THIS SENTENCE DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Numerous cases can be given easily, but [one] conspicuous case will suffice. Acting as the mouthpiece of some multinational companies, Lingziling, an entertainer, can readily strike [it] rich ‘STRIKE IT RICH’ IS THE CORRECT EXPRESSION by appearing in the television commercials only a few minutes. Without [any hard work], some superstars get a large sum of money only because of their attractive appearance, even indecent performances sometimes. It not only causes the fanatic behaviors in their fans, but also stimulates some adolescent to imitate and want to become one of them in their future. WHY DOES IT CAUSE SUCH DEVOTION? IS THAT DEVOTION MISPLACED? YOU’RE CLAIMING THAT IT IS. FINISH THIS THOUGHT TO ITS LOGICAL CONCLUSION. On the other hand, people who hold the view that the market determines who gets paid what and so those famous person really deserve what they get have a point as well. Under some conditions, those notabilities SHOULD BE ‘NOTABLES’ provide us with the distraction and excitement. [This cannot be denied, yet is there really a] need to use the above reason as an excuse to reject the fact that this commonplaces phenomenon absolutely indicates a sign of our society’s misplaced values[?] WOW. SHORTEN THIS SENTENCE. VEN MAKE TWO OR THREE IF NECESSARY It is not that I begrudge the players and entertainers their huge salaries. BUT? From what has been discussed above, although [this fact exists], in this case, it is by no means a proper attitude. AGAIN, WHY? YOU NEED TO JUSTFY STATEMENTS LIKE THIS To put all in a nutshell, pondering all aspects, I am adamant in believing that the astronomical salaries earned by athletes and entertainers are not justified since they hardly deserve such high salaries. AGAIN, YOU NEED TO PROVE YOUR POINT HERE, WORDINESS DOESN’T EAUAL LOGICAL ARGUMENT.