|| Replies ||

User	mae | 2005-08-14 |
Subject	untitled
Message	ORCHIDSTAR, I’LL GO THROUGH YOUR ESSAY LINE BY LINE. I CAN TELL FROM READING IT THAT ENGLISH IS NOT YOUR PRIMARY LANGUAGE. WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING? MY COMMENTS WILL BE IN CAPS INSIDE PARENTHESES WITHIN THE BODY OF THE PIECE. I’LL HAVE A FEW CONCLUDING REMARKS AT THE END. 107 Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. My essay: When faced with the issue of whom a college or university education should be available to, there must be individuals who support that higher education should be available only to good students because higher education is an elite education. (THIS SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU’RE SAYING ‘THERE MUST BE SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO THINKS THIS, BUT I CAN’T IMAGINE WHO!!’ INSTEAD OF SAYING ‘THERE MUST BE INDIVIDUALS’ SAY SOMETHING LIKE THERE ARE SOME WHO THINK THAT HIGHER….” Nonetheless, whatever we take into consideration has to be thought about in a way both subjectively and objectively, while some people just swim with the tide. (THIS IS A THROW AWAY SENTENCE. WHAT IS ITS PURPOSE? IT DOESN’T REALLY SAY ANYTHING. THROW IT OUT.) If someone were to ask me what my penchant(A PENCHANT IS A STRONG TENDENCY TOWARD SOMETHING. IT IS NOT A ‘VIEW’) is, I would strongly hold the view that the (USE OF THE ARTICLE ‘THE’ WOULD INDICATE A SPECIFIC HIGHER EDUCATION. USE EITHER ‘A’ OR NO ARTICLE AT ALL.) higher education should be available to all students. My argument is buttressed (OH DEAR. JUST SAY SUPPORTED. EXCEPT I’D SUGGEST TAKING THIS SENTENCE OUT OF PASSIVE VOICE TO ACTIVE VOICE AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS. ‘I HOLD THE VIEW THAT A HIGHER EDUCATION SHOULD BE AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE. I BASE THIS OPINION ON THE FOLLOWING FACTS.’ )by the following solid facts. (DON’T SAY ‘SOLID’. THAT WILL BE DETERMINED BY THE READER) What really matters most is that, what is the definition of good students? (LEAVE OUT “…THAT,WHAT IS…” AND END WITH A PERIOD.) As a rule, only the students who got excellent score are good student. (SINCE YOU ARE SAYING ‘AS A RULE’, YOU DON’T WANT TO SAY ‘ONLY’. ‘AS A RULE’ IS NOT AN EXCLUSIVE CONDITION, BUT ‘ONLY’ IS. CHOOSE ONE OR THE OTHER.) Unfortunately, this attitude is erroneous. (IS IT REALLY ERRONEOUS OR JUST A NARROW VIEW. IF YOU ARE USING GRADES AS YOUR CRITERION, THEN IT IS NOT ERRONEOUS. BUT USING GRADES AS THE ONLY CRITERION MAY BE TOO NARROW A VIEW) History witnesses and presents (JUST SAY ‘PROVIDES’) many examples that some talented persons did not have a good grade when they were high school (YOU HAVE EXAMPLES ‘OF’ NOT ‘THAT’. RESTRUCTURE YOUR SENTENCE AROUND THAT. ‘…EXAMPLES OF TALENTED PEOPLE WHO…’) students, however, they could graduate from college and became to work successfully.(DITCH THE LAST PART OF YOUR SENTENCE. IT’S JUST EXCESS VERBAGE. WE ALL KNOW THEY WENT TO COLLEGE AND BECAME SUCCESSFUL.) To illustrate this point, Einstein’s case is sound persuasive. (‘SOUND PERSUASIVE’? HUH? TRY ‘ALBERT EINSTEIN IS A CASE IN POINT.’) As it known to all, Einstein was not a good student in the high school according to the standard for evaluation. (WELL, I’M NOT REALLY SURE IT’S KNOW TO ALL THAT EINSTEIN WAS NOT A GOOD STUDENT IN SCHOOL. PERHAPS YOU SHOULD SIMPLY STATE THIS AS A FACT, RATHER THAN PREFACING YOUR SENTENCE WITH ‘AS IS KNOWN TO ALL’.) Nevertheless, it is lucky to the world that he entered the college and then made a unique scientific contribution. (THIS SENTENCE IS UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT KIND OF GARBLED. THE WORLD WAS FORTUNATE, NOT REALLY LUCKY – THAT GIVES THE IMPRESSION OF THE WORLD HAVING SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT, LIKE IN GAMBLING, WHEREAS FORTUNATE JUST MEANS THAT IT WAS THE WORLD’S GOOD FORTUNE – DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU? – AND WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY IS THAT HE WAS ‘ACCEPTED’ AT COLLEGE, NOT THAT HE ‘ENTERED’ COLLEGE. YOU’RE GOING FOR A COLLEGE EDUCATION BEING ‘AVAILABLE’ TO ALL, NOT THAT EVERYONE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THAT AVAILABILITY.) On the other hand, everyone has equal right to receive higher education. Based on what I know, the major purpose of the United States Department of Education is to ensure equal educational opportunity for all. (LEAVE OFF ‘BASED ON WHAT I KNOW’. IT WEAKENS YOUR ARGUMENT) If higher education is available but to good student, (“…ONLY TO GOOD STUDENTS”) it will be (COULD BE CONSIDERED AN )infringement of human rights. We cannot say to man (…SAY TO SOMEONE…) that she or he is not entitled to get higher education because it will be anti-constitutional. To exemplify, consider the following situation. Some students try to get their interested information by receiving higher education while there are not other ways can offer. (OKAY, I AM TOTALLY LOST HERE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY. FIRST, YOU START OUT SAYING THAT HIGHER EDUCATION IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. THEN YOU SHIFT GEARS AND SAY THAT WE CANNOT SAY THAT IT’S UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO SAY THAT SOMEONE MAY NOT HAVE A HIGHER EDUCATION. THEN YOUR LAST SENTENCE PRECEDING THIS IS REALLY A JUMBLED MESS. SORRY, BUT I DON’T KNOW AT ALL WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. FIRST, MAKE UP YOUR MIND WHICH YOU THINK IT IS – A BASIC RIGHT OR NOT. THEN REWRITE THAT LAST SENTENCE.) Is it a rational decision that they do not be enrolled in colleges only because they are not good students? Therefore, it is very important to give the opportunity to get higher education to all students, because it will be their chance to change something in their life, get better job in the future or built their career. (THIS IS PRETTY GARBLED AND HARD TO UNDERSTAND. I GET IT, BUT I HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.) As the saying in English goes, "There are two sides to every coin." People who hold the opposite reaction (IT’S NOT A REACTION, IT’S A VIEWPOINT) have a point as well, because only if a nation’s education system is fully developed and has sufficient financial capacity for all the high school leaders can we realize this utopian dream. (YOU ARE TAKING THEIR VIEWPOINT TO STATISFY YOUR OWN HERE. IT IS NOT A UTOPIAN DREAM TO LIMIT A COLLEGE EDUCATION TO ONLY THOSE WITH GOOD GRADES. ALSO, A HIGH SCHOOL ‘LEADER’ MAY NOT HAVE GOOD GRADES. GRADES AND LEADERSHIP DO NOT ALWAYS GO HAND IN HAND.) This cannot be denied out of hand.(WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS LAST SENTENCE? DOES IT FURTHER YOUR ARGUMENT? GET RID OF IT.) Yet the key to solve those problems can be ushered in some other remedies. (I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS SENTENCE. I DON’T GET YOUR POINT AT ALL.) For example, those who have average grade "C" or worse would not be supported financially. (WHY NOT?) There is no need to use the above reasons as excuses to violate the civil rights to get higher education. Consciously or unconsciously, whether higher education is available to all students is the human rights. (CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY? WHAT DOES CONSCIOUSNESS HAVE TO DO WITH THIS ARGUMENT? USE OF ‘WHETHER’ WOULD INDICATE TWO VIEWS, YET YOU ONLY PRESENT ONE – THAT IT IS A RIGHT FOR HIGHER EDUCATION TO BE AVAILABLE TO ALL STUDENTS. THERE IS NO ANSWER TO ‘WHETHER’ IN THIS SENTENCE.) In a word, having in mind all these things, I strongly commit to the notion that a college or university education should be available to all students. (YOU’VE USED A LOT MORE THAN ‘A WORD’ HERE. LEAVE THAT OUT. AND IS IT JUST A ‘NOTION’ THAT A COLLEGE EDUCATION SHOULD BE AVAILABLE TO ALL STUDENTS? YOU’RE SAYING IT’S A RIGHT. DON’T NOW REDUCE IT TO A NOTION. USE A STRONGER WORD – MAYBE PROPOSITION?) Okay, OrchidStar. You’ve got some work to do here. The very first thing you need to do is simplify your language. You’ve used obscure words (buttress, penchant) to try to sound erudite. It winds up sounding pompous. Since English clearly is not a comfortable language for you, try to stay away from idioms (‘In a word’ ‘out of hand’). You’ve used many idiomatic thoughts throughout your essay, but they come out wrong. It’s really hard to use them correctly in a language in which you are not fluent. Your stilted style is the very biggest problem. A lot of your other problems will go away if you just simplify the language. Next, you need to very carefully organize your thoughts – perhaps write an outline first. The instruction given at the beginning of the essay is to discuss both sides of the subject, then indicate which view you support and your reasons for that support. To discuss both sides of the issue, you need to state both points and the BASIC SUPPORTING FACTS OR THOUGHTS. The opposing viewpoint is – what? You didn’t really say except that it is an elite education. But on what do they support that assertion. Why do they think it is elite? Give three or four sentences or a paragraph to the opposing viewpoint. Then move on to your own view. First, state your point of view clearly and succinctly, using as few words as possible to get your point across. Then move into your supporting facts or opinions. You need to recognize that your view that a higher education is a basic human right is, in this case, only an opinion. It is not a right guaranteed by our Constitution. That doesn’t mean that it is not a valid argument. If you arrived at that opinion through reasoned thought, then use it to support your view, along with any actual facts that you have. I hope this review has been helpful. I also would like to see a college education available to everyone. Unfortunately, it’s going more and more the other way. Good luck with this. mae