| User | +LifeLine+ | | Topic | read and give advice | | Message | I want not to wake in the morn,
and I can’t sleep in the night.
My breathing is forced through forlorn,
and i never feel just right.
I only feel somewhat normal
when I have you in my sight.
I love everything about you
even down to your piercing eyes.
They stare right through me,
and torture my soul until it dies.
I love you. I swear I do.
That means you love me too,
because I believe there’s no unrequited love
just as much as I believwe in the stars above.
It’s just a rough draft. Just tell me what you think,
and how I can improve it. |
|| Replies ||
| User | Logic | 2006-07-06 | | | Subject | untitled | | Message | In the middle of your poem I honestly started laughing out loud. It was really...just horrible. Do something else with your time please(PLEASE) |
| User | oceaneyes | 2006-03-06 | | | Subject | hardly advice | | Message | hmm i like it... but i kind of don’t understand it, because it seems you love them then you hate them? but hey, it is how you feel, and i really do like this poem. i agree with the below, i think a sense of closure would help round it off. good luck & nice job |
| User | clovernfoxglove | 2006-02-01 | | | Subject | advice you asked for | | Message | well......since this is just a rough draft, i’ll point out a couple of things I see wrong. The poetry is a little choppy in the way it flows. On other thing i would change is giving the poem a sense of closure. The poem seems to lack that, and the reader feels a sensation of "Okay, what just happend?" Complete every thought, and don’t be afraid to think outside the box with you wording. It all comes down to personal style. This is a good start, and I look forward to seeing another one! |
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