| User | lili |
| Topic | help |
| Message | i am trying to work on a new poem. it just does not feel right. i would like any feed back perferably suggestions on what i could add to make it beeter and appealing to the reader
so here it is go ahead and bash away. that is how i learn and also let me know if i should jus lia We’ve known each other Since we were young Now were old and gray Our friendship staying true You kept me grounded When I wanted to run My matron of honor You caught the bouquet when I threw it I was there with you When your husband past As your heart broke Like the wine glass at a Jewish wedding I sweep up the pieces Gluing them back together The best I could Trying to fill the void We were the best of friends threw the worst of times And the best of friends through the good days We will be there for each other till the very end Because a true friendship never dies |
|| Replies ||
| User | susie | 2004-09-16 | |
| Subject | Comment |
| Message | I think your poem is really good Lili. A few of the lines were a bit too long for the others. Maybe that’s why it isn’t as smooth as it could be. imho. When I read it out loud, it almost sounded like a rhyming poem, but it wasn’t. That’s very good! Hope this helps and keep writing! You have a lot of talent.
warm regars, susie:) |
| User | lili | 2004-09-15 | |
| Subject | thanks |
| Message | thanks so much for taking the time to help. lia |
| User | Ravenwood | 2004-09-14 | |
| Subject | untitled |
| Message | I would definitely add in some punctuation. I think Ive given you this advice before; read it aloud to yourself. Whenever you pause when reading add in a coma or some kind of punctuation. You changed tense in the second to last stanza by using the word sweep instead of swept. I would also go through and find check the number of syllables in each line compared to the others. Having the same number of syllables in each line compared to the next would make it flow easier.
Good start. |