| User | anonymous87 |
| Topic | about me |
| Message | somebody please read this. i never write but for some reason i felt compelled to just dish out my feelings on Microsoft word. After i finished i felt that i couldn’t just close the window, i had to share it, so i wanted to do it anonymously. there’s no personal info about myself anyways. please comment. it jumps a lot but i was just typing what came into my head, that’s why there aren’t any paragraphs.
Ok so just right now I was listening to all this music and remembering memories. Not so much memories, but just remembering when I was younger. It’s all depressing for some reason. I wish I could be a kid again. I feel as if I never grew up. I feel immature still, and that I want to be a kid because of the security. All these freedoms that come with being away in college are too much. I can’t handle things like I should be able to. My grades aren’t nearly what I know that they should be and don’t reflect what I know I’m capable of if I tried. I know I probably wouldn’t be getting A’s in things like physics, but I know for sure I could in political science. Or at least I wish I could be in high school again. I miss running cross country even though I hated pushing myself.. I was pretty lazy I guess. I miss my two friends from high school. I really didn’t have any close friends, but Jose was always there for me. I don’t know why I took him for granted. But I think that I was the same way for him. Neither of us was really accepted for some reason. At least here I have my fraternity brothers, and hopefully I will until I graduate. Sometimes Ralph can get on my nerves b/c he talks too much, but so does everybody else. I feel so alone all the time. I wish I had a girlfriend but I’m a timid person and get shy around girls. There’s really nobody I have a crush on right now or anything, but that’s because I don’t talk to girls often like I wish I could. I need some sort of confidence booster. Even with alcohol I have trouble. Even if I’m drunk. I don’t mind being drunk so much as I do throwing up. I throw up pretty easy and the taste of the alcohol coming up in the vomit is disgusting. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Things would be so much easier if I died, but I don’t want to kill myself because of my religious beliefs. I think I’ll go to hell if I kill myself. Wouldn’t it be great if some freak accident was to happen and I was taken from this world without having to kill myself. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about school. School is really the only thing I’m worried about but it’s big because I know I’m messing up my future by doing badly in school. I want to be an engineer. I just want to graduate. I care about grades. I think though that if I can make it through lower level courses that once I get to upper level it’ll come easier. Hopefully this’ll be true. Apparently 251 isn’t a CBK class. I just thought right now maybe that’ll help me get upper level. That’s if it’s even true. I register for classes tomorrow. I still need to think about which classes I need to take. I don’t want any morning classes, I have a hard time waking up because I stay up too late doing nothing mostly being on the computer. I mostly just look at porn and masturbate. Maybe I wouldn’t do it so often if I had sex with a girl. That’s not true, I think I still would if I only had a one night stand. I need to though, but then again it’s back to the problem of being timid around girls. I don’t think my family would be proud of me at all right now if they knew how much of a screw up I was and how far from my religious practices I am. I feel I changed dramatically from high school. Actually I just think that everything I had pent up inside of me is now being released. I always wanted to drink and smoke to see what it was like. Since I had no friends, now that I actually have people to hang out with every once in a while, I think that’s the reason I’m pushing school behind. It’s because I never had opportunities for friends. I somewhat blame my parents. I think they were too strict on me. Mostly my dad. But I still love him. They treated my brother so much differently than they treat the rest of us. He still does. Even though I’m already 19 he still tells me I can’t go out when I wanna do things like eat with my friends whenever I’m back in town. |
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