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dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: Straightening things out...

well a lot has been going on in my life. i'm going to start writing again i think. i'll keep ya posted

...Created 2009-06-07 21:48:45

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

*Sigh* I hate my life.

...Created 2007-03-25 19:29:18

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: Depressed

Well, Life hasn't been going very well for me. The love of my life broke up with me because we kept fighting for about a week becasue all he did was ignore me. I'm such a fool. I've made up my mind. This november i am joining the army and going active right away. Fuck this life, someone else can handle my life for me for four year. Maybe they'll do a better job of it.

...Created 2006-07-01 22:57:43

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

Hey guys.

I haven't been on for a while. Everything is fine. I am working on new writes so i should have those done and up soon.

...Created 2006-04-04 12:34:35

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

Well i didn't cut am i'm not dead, so i guess life is alright for the time being. I talked to charles a little last night. I didn't get as much talked about as i would like to, but we talked a little. I think we still have somethings to figure out. Like i am not sure if i am going over to him house for christmas. I am not sure anymore. I mean i want to. But i don't think i will. Maybe it would be for the best if i didn't go. I mean, It would give us both time to think...right? and that IS what he said he wanted. But the problem is that i want to go. I miss him and its only been two days since i saw him last. I was cursing the whole man race. Saying they all need shot and burried in ditches. lol.

Although i did get to talk to my very good friend Stephen last night. Its funny because i'e loved him since i was 10...but we decided to just stay friends. he had me laughing all night till we couldn't stay up anymore. lol. I think i think of him brotherly now. It had been a whole month since i last talk to him. That is a fucking long time seeing as i went from talking from him almost all day and night, to just once about every month or so. I told him i might come spend the summer with him while Charles is in training. Stephen now lives in NC. And that is where Charles is going to be...Might as well kill two birds with one stone. I can Spend time with Stephen. Go to movies, out to eat, and have long talks, and spend time when i could, with Charles. I don't know if i will be able to spend anytime with Charles. He doesn't know if he will be able to leave the base at all... At least i won't be borred. My uncle lives in NC too, so i am sure i will be able to find loads to do.

Well i am going to get going. Merry Early Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

...Created 2005-12-21 08:19:43

dotsJournal: Charlesdots
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Mood: Straightening things out...

Well yesterday was my one month anny. I enjoyed being with my boyfriend very much. It seems like i never get to see him enough. The only thing that was upsetting while i was out was, that Brittany and him throw popcorn at eachother during the movie. This didn't upset me at all, but getting it down my shirt and pants made me mad..lol can you blame me? I think he thought i was mad at him. I wasn't...well i was a little pissed about the day before. But i am starting to forgive for that. Then there was on the way home. My father and him taked about the army. Dad asked him if he decided if he was going active or not. This pissed me off because Charles had told me he decided not to. And he told my father he wasn't sure. I guess i am over reacting. this is something he wants and by god, if that is what he wants...i am going to make sure he can. I'm not going to like it, but sometimes, it doesn't matter how much pain the heart has to take if the one it loves is happy.

He wrote a blog yesterday. I got to read it in my Computer Tech class i am taking in my spare time. I almost started to cry, but since i am around people i won't. I'll wait for me to get home. He talked about how he is an asshole (which i tell him over and over that he isn't and that sometimes he can be a jerk, but i love him and he isn't an asshole) I hate that he talks about himself like that. I know understand how he feels when i say i'm fat and stuff like that. I've been trying to not say stuff like that, and to talk about the stuff that is bothering me. I have been trying hard to make sure i don't do anything that would upset him. From the looks of the blog, not only am i still upsetting him, he thinks i am pissed at him when i'm not. I don't know what to do. Last night he talked about killing himself, (which i haven't talk to him today so i hope to fucking god he didn't, i love him far too much) and he cut himself 4 times. He promised me that he wouldn't. I stopped because i promised him. And also in the blog he said that i would cut myself and that it was fine... I can't believe he would think that something that i have been trying so hard not to do, i would just go do. I will admit that i want to, like no tomarrow. But i am going to show him that i love him so much, i am not going to cut and i am not going to yell at him. I am going to go home and have a nice long talk with him. And i mean we are both talking. Fuck this "i'm okay" shit. I am going to tell him EVERYTHING that is bothering me, and i sure hope he does the same. I want us to be ok. I don't know what i would do without him, and i hope i NEVER have to find out. He is the only reason i have for living. I had giving up hope that i would ever find someone that i love and that loves me. I love everthing about him. Sure there are things that tic me once and a while, but every couple has things like that. I still wouldn't change anything in him for the world.

I wonder if it is me that is causing him so much problems. I guess me closing myself off when i am upset and depressed could be the reason we aren't as close anymore. I feel like i am pushing him away. I don't want to. Everyone in my life i have pushed away because i didn't want to hurt them or be hurt. I don't want him to leave. I don't care how much pain i have to endure. I love him so fucking much that if right now he asked me to marry him...i'd ask where and when. I know its hasn't been long. And it wouldn't be something i would normally do. I am a very 'think before acting' person, but that is the clearest thing i have ever known. I think it is the only thing that makes any sence in my life anymore. I have always felt lost and confused. And like something was missing from me. And now that i found out what it was, i DON'T want it to go. I will do what ever it takes to make sure it doesn't.

I guess maybe i should shut up now. I mean i am alway typing on here abut what is wrong when i should be telling the love of my life. this is two to one going to be my last blog i write at all. maybe now and again to let eveyone else know what is wrong, but from now on, i am going to just call Charles and tell him what is bothering me. Like i was going to go over his house for christmas, and i am unsure if he will want me to. If the problems i cause him, makes him cut himself, maybe it might be best (after i tell him what is bothering me, and he does the same) If i stay away for a while. It will kill me for sure, but maybe it will make him feel better. I love being with him, even if we are mad or upset with eachother. I feel safe when i am with him. But...i don't know if he feels like that. I think maybe i will spend this christmas in my room with the door locked, hugging a pillow instead of someone that i love so much that right now if he told me killing myself would make him feel better...I'd have the job done before he finished the sentence. I just hope when he reads this (whish i know he will...if he hasn;t done anything to himself{which i fucking hope not}) he understands where i am coming from and all i want is for him to be happy, and us to be the couple i know we can be. He is the one i want to spend my life with. And if that means i have to change a little to keep him happy...well bye bye Jenn that i know, Hello Jenn that he loves.

...Created 2005-12-20 08:24:43

dotsJournal: emotionally fuckeddots
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Mood: The Usual

I feel like crying...blah. My boyfriend has made up his mind that he is going to go away for those 3 years i was talking about. I believe he wants me to wait for him but i don't know if i will be able to. On top of that, he said something to me while i was sitting in his bed watching TV and he made me feel like such a whore...i just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused that i feel like i just want to crawl into a hole and die. On top of this my cuz that just moved in with us is fighting with my sister. It should be that she (brittany) sleeps in my little sis (Mel)'s room, but she has been staying in mine. Which i really don't mind since most of the time i am at my boyfriend's house spending the night and such, and i don't mind that she is in my room or anything like that, but it is just different. And my sister is driving me up a wall. She won't get her ass out of the air. I just want to kill her..blah (i wouldn't really do it though) I guess a lot is bothering me. I have been crying off and on all day long and i hate to cry. In order for me to cry it takes a lot, or just me being emotionally fucked up. Which today i was. And for the fact or the matter i have been for a few weeks now. So to sum it all up, i feel like a cheap whore, that is unwanted and unloved...yep that about sums it up. I could have saved myself a lot of typing by just writting that line..

...Created 2005-12-06 13:24:58

dotsJournal: lost & helplessdots
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Mood: Stressed

My life has been interesting as of late. My boyfriend wants to go active in the army after his ten weeks away this summer. Which means he will be gone for 3 fucking years. this bothers me to no end and depresses me to the point of insanity. My cuz just moved in with my family and i, so i have a 13yr old sister to watch and now a 14yr old cuz as well. My parents act like all i am is a slave. I clean and clean and watch my siblings and they do nothing but tell me how bad of a daughter i am and that i am unable to take care of myself....YET SOMEHOW I AM ABLE TO WATCH OTHERS?!?! I don't understand life. It is so hard to be able to. With each day that goes on i fell as though somehow life teases me. Gives me one or two good things to make me think that i am no longer sinking in a pit of darkness, then takes them away, throwing me full force back into the pit. It is so confusing. *sigh* at least i still have my boyfriend to keep me happy...Atleast i do till the spring. Then he is gone....for a whole 10weeks...and is willingly going active. 3 whole years without him...i love him..i know i do..but 3 whole years is such a long time. I don't know if i can be alone, and without him that long. To know he is out there, yet willingly leaves...it is just heart-breaking. His best-friend asked me the other day if i could wait for my bf, and i didn't know what to say to him...all i ended up saying was " I don't know tony, I don't know." I feel so lost and helpless that it sickens me...*sigh* i better get back to work..i'd at least like to keep my job.

...Created 2005-12-01 08:24:44

dotsJournal: damndots
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Mood: Stressed

blah

i'm not really feeling emotionally well today...
and if i have to hear someone ask me if i'm alright ONE MORE FUCKING TIME i am going to scream...GRRRRRR. all i want is to go into a dark quiet room and cry myself asleep , but no one will let me. *sigh* i guess this shouldn't suprise me. This is a almost normal day inmy fucked up life..sigh..maybe one day i will no longer have to wake up and deal with this. till then i can only try to pass by..

...Created 2005-11-24 18:56:21

dotsJournal: so many....dots
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Mood: Depressed

What would you do if someone you really cared about, locked you out of their world. Saying it was for your own good. What if no matter how hard you tried to forget, you couldn't? Where everyone you see, looks like that person. When you see couples hug and kiss, you want to cry. What would you do if your last life line, tying you to this damned earth, was cut? No matter how hard you try, you always think about that person. Take the time to tell the people you love, that you love them soo much. Because no matter how much we make plans, and hope all goes well. Truth be told, it doesn't and you never know when one day you will wake up without the person you care the most about. And once again, you are all alone. With the darkness of your heart eatting away at the light. Till all that is left is an empty void that takes over. Till you no longer wish to live. And just end it yourself.

...Created 2005-11-11 17:11:43