Journal: Lost -------------------------------------------
Mood: Lost and ConfusedThough out the last few months hell has totally erupted in my life. I can't remember hardly anything any more, I'm slower, I stutter sometimes and trip over my own words, I can't write hardly at all any more! I'm about to go insane, I'm NOT! in love any more I am lost. In a new place with new people I am aquard and not happy. Its like looking in to a mirror and seeing the old me looking back only to go out and live the life of a new me! It SUCKS and I don't like it!.... any how so I jst needed to vent otherwise I would get angery and that is NOT a good thing!
love and light
Archer...Created 2006-09-21 03:06:59
Mood: In LoveIts so amazing how one day your life can be shit and the next your happy and free...
I have a boyfriend now and I am happyier then I have been in a long time. I am afraid though... you can only go your whole life being told that your nothing, not worth it, never going to rise above the drugged home you came from... you'll always be alone. before you start to beleieve it.. i was sitting with my boyfriend and he kept telling me that i was beautiful and talented and that he was so lucky and my heart was in turmoil, i didn't know what to do i was so scared that he was just saying it to get in my pants and instead i set ground rules and made it clear that i don't want sex yet, which woule be a first for me. and he said "good cause i'm not ready either" WOW, i was blown away i wanted to cry. here is not only a guy that is smart funny atractive and totaly with out hitch, but my family likes him and his family likes me, he is cultured and artistic and talented... but deep inside i cant shake this feeling that i'm going to mess it up and he is going to wake up one day and decide that i'm not worth it and that i wasn't me that he wanted at all that it was my cousin or my sister... it wouldn't suprise me at all.. it would hurt because for the first time in a long time i am letting my heart decide but it is scary and terrifying all at the same time... i guess that is what love is all about though......Created 2006-05-08 23:31:08
Journal: So Lost it Hurt -------------------------------------------
Mood: DeadI keep looking at myself in the mirror and hope to see the real me. But for some reason I see something more like a monster someone who is so lost that they are afraid to find their way back. Is that who I have become? Have I finally lost all that I am to my pain and anger? Have I finally closed my eyes of innocence and opend ones of a demon? I am so mad, 4 weeks it has been now and I have talked to him all of once. I lived with him for 5 years now and he has not even thgought to talk to me. He does not even make an effort it is like when I was a kid and he was still on drugs. Hell he might as well be for all the good it does. At least then he had an excuse. What does he have now? What could he possibly say to make up for this. I know I am not the best daughter, hell I am not the best friend but what have I done to make him totaly cut me out. Yes I left and yes it was my choice that made it that way. But he was the one that kept pushing. It was never about him and I to begin with it was him and what he wanted others to see him as. He is as bad as me sometimes willing to do what ever it would take to be accepted by the family he betrayed. I can't even think of the last time we just sat and talked father to daughter. But it does not matter now. I am done makeing
the first move I have done that since I was a kid and now I am ready to just give it all up. To make it all go away. I really need to stop thinking about all this it will only make me mad again but it had finally hit me I have nothing. I don't have a home, money or a family that truly cares. so what do I do? I can get a job and immurse my self in my new life and allow it to take shape or I can try to fix my old one. Which one do I choose? what do I do? and what kind of life will I lead now that I have lost my last chance at having a loving mother and father? ...Created 2006-03-13 23:48:13
Journal: HELP -------------------------------------------
Mood: OverwhelmedChaos had erupted all around me and my mind is going to explode. I was hurt today and was taken to the doctor. My mind was not regestering all that was happening and i was having a hard time breathing. My mind went blank when they asked for my doctor. I don't have one. And my mom had taken me to the Emergincy room instead of taking me to the Urgency care clinic. So after wards I kinda lost it. Everyone kept saying I probly had a Kidney infection and that I needed help as soon as possible. My mom didn't know what to do and me being 18 felt like a total tard because I didn't even know what doctor I needed to go to. After wards they had taken my blood tests and exerays and had given me an IV every thing started to calm down. I was told that the stress and depression that I have been feeling was massivly effecting my helth as well. You see I have not been eating as much and I have been sleeping alot, like all day long and only waking long enough to go to the bathroom which is not much because I was not drinking much either. I didn't know what was happening to my body and I didn't know how to handel it. I did the only thing I thought would be safe talked alot then closed up. I hummed tunes to my self and pretended that it didn't hurt at all when in tryth my insides where burning up. I felt like my side was going to explode. Like someone had stabbed me. I wanted to be held and told it was all going to be ok and that the pain would go away but it didn't happen like that instead we left and i went to my grandma's house after I got a huge chewing out from my mom and grandma about not telling them sooner that I was hurt and my dad wouldn't take me to the doctor. I didn't want a fight so I just blanked it out and nodded my head and tried not to cry. then i got home and I told my dad what happend and then he asked where she took me ( my mom) I told him and he freaked out. My step mom started yelling at me about me being stupid and my dad was yelling at me about the money and how much it would cost. Soon it was an all out battle. I had finally defended my self saying that I was the one hurt and I had asked them to take me to the doctor eairlyer and they didn't listen. When my step mom started to yell at me again I yelled back and it all got worse from there. For the first time I thought my dad was really going to hit me, and I had a feeling that I would have hit him back. he stormed out of the house and slamed the door and I went to my room and lost it. I have been under alot of strain latley. I have been feeling alot of anger and depression. and not any happiness at all. I have suddenly gone from a smileing girl to a crieing child. I wanted to die. my dad kept telling me to let him in and that he was sorry that he did not mean to hurt my feelings and that he is just worried about the money. saying that my mom should have to pay for it. then my step mom said because i was 18 i should pay, but they wont let me get a job till school is out where am I going to get the money.
I am soo lost I don't know what to do and suddenly I feel I don't know broken like I am a total failure and that I am not good enough. NO this is not all just from the incident but has been building up one thing on another and I can't take it any more my mind and body are shutting down to allow me to recover but it could not have happend at a worse time. I don't know what to do have been sitting here just typing and writting and I still don't know what to do.
I just want to stop fighting I can't do it anymore. I can't fight and argue and hurt all the time my body and mind wont let me. I don't know what to do.
...Created 2006-02-08 20:35:47
Mood: ConfusedI wrote a poem a while back about feeling numb and now i relise that yes i wrot a good poem but it did not compleatly depict what I truly felt. All my life I have been a passonate being. Someone who was unbreakable and untainted. nothing could touch me as long as I felt things.
I just found out that a man whome I considerd like a grandfather to me has died. He was a very spiritual person. His wife is bed ridded and is over weight and can not go see his body and is afraid that she will be put into a nursing home and can not afford to pay for an at hom nurse. When I went to see her the other day after finding out that her husband had been put in to the hospital, I was worried but that is all i could feel. I could not feel anything else. I was lost. like I knew that I should be sad and crying and trying to console her but I was angery. what had these people done to be betrayed by theire god. No I don't consider my self to be fully christian but I really don't know what I am. In truth I have spent my whole life lieing and telling people things about me to cover up what I really am. what I have really done to others. have i really become so cold that I can not feel any more.
I was told this afternoon of his death and yes I was shocked. But I didn't feel anything. I was numb. I was not in denial, because the same thing has happend before. I have had to force my self to cry at funerals, it is really sad to say the least. it took me four years to be able to cry for my aunt who has been like a mother to me for who knows how long. and now the couple who has loved me with out ever truly knowing who I am is broken and I don't feel anything. I am a blank sheet of nothing at all. I don't feel the need to cry, and I am not really all that sad. there is something wrong with me isnt there? there is something wrong with my heart that allows it not to feel what it should. I don't know what is going on. I can't feel anything.
if some one knows tell me please I don't like this.
love and light
...Created 2006-02-06 23:39:00
Mood: Ranti have come to relise over the past months that i am simply a ghostly shell of who i once was. i feel very little so where do i keep getting the passion for these poems that speak of love and anger as if they where a fequanted dessert.
i don't really know any more. i am kinda lonley but it is almost like it dosen't matter any more. i am suppossed to go to this thing next saterday called "snowball" i have a dress and a dinner plan but in the grand scheme of things i seem to have miss placed one the and no it is not just my mind this time, i don't have a date. i am 18 years old as of wendsday the 23 and i am dateless and manless so why arn't i getting one?
ok you know how through out life there is always some one there that keeps telling you that any guy would be lucky to have you and that they just don't see it...
well, WHY THE HELL NOT. if you can and that person can what the hell is blocking their eyesight? i mean come on how dense dose one man have to be to pass something up if it is there waiting. unless it is not something worth having. so what if i am the one that is constantly destand to be the bridsmaid and the marraige councelor and the support system. but never have that returned. i am gonna grow old and helpless and bitter. i am gonna have a big huge monster truck that has the middle finger painted on the tail gate with the words "I am here because it annoyes you, if it dosen't call me so i can make it better" in bright red and pink bold letters. i am gonna have 15 cats and the only man in my life will be my only dog.
man looking at that kinda life...hmm, it kinda sucks. i could have a thousand jobs and a million dollars saved and i would never really be happy. all i really wanted was to go to snowball my senior year with a real god damed Date! is that really to much to ask? i mean really.
i don't think it is yet i am still dateless and my cat is getting more action then me. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!
*walks away grumping and stomping around like a mad women in a fabulous black dress* THIS SUCKS BUT IF IT'S GONNA SUCK I AM GONNA LOOK GOOD WHILE IT SUCKS SO THERE!
well ok i have ranted and raved enough i think i will let you all think me a bumbeling fool right now and leave well ta ta...
Mood: Lonely so many things have been happening and i will not pour them all out here as this is public.. but i am feeling strange i normally have a happy dispsition (not that you would know upon reading my workd but hey lol:) ) but now i notice i am having to paste a smile on my face more and more just to make my friends think i am ok... i don't want them to worry... but i have felt i don't know lonley... i want to feel happy and content but there is something missing that my heart can't quite place like someone stole it from me.. i have amazing friends and three of them i would not have been able to survive with out, my dad is ok and i have even learned how to avoid my stepmom... i know that some of my unhappiness comes from the fact that i really do want a mother..mine is a drug addict and does not even speak to me half the time convinced that it is my job to contact her.. and i have kind of addopted on of my bestfriends mom. but in a way i am still left empty.. i quit choir for the first time since i was in gradeschool and now as a senior i feel a tug of regret at my inability to hang in there no matter how bad the director was. but i still have my music i am just not singing every day. i pour my heart and soul out on to paper in freewrite after freewrite then read and reread them over and over but i still can not figure it out.. i have no right to be lonley with friends like mine they to be honest at the closest thing to a true family i have and i love them with all my heart but i still do not know what is wrong i find my self having nightmares at night and waking up crying and sometimes i cry my self to sleep and awake unfulfilled. and something in my heart is not right i know that. there are other things going on im my life the scare me to death and i am not easily scared normally people fear me. but i also am not a crybaby so what is wrong?? why do i seem to loose my self every time i am alone. why does my heart fall apart every time i fall asleep and why in the grate lady's name do i want to just crawl in a corner and die every time i start to think of what has happend?
lonely and confused
love light and eternal blessings to all
Archer...Created 2005-10-24 23:52:54
Mood: TiredWOW!!!! i soo can not believe it is going to be summer vacation sooo soon i only have one week left of this school year then i am going to be a SEINOR BABY YAY!!!!
oooppps sorry got a little carryed away i guess i am just happy. no one in my family thought that i would make it this far. i am just a normal girl for the first time in my life and next year i will be living all on my own. i don't know how i feel i am a mix betwee scared and happpy about it all. i wish that i could figure out how i really feel. i mean ok here is a short list of the things going on in my life.
1. i am in love with some one who does not love me and treats me like crap!
2. i am changing and becoming a totally new person and learning new things about my self every day.
3. i am getting to know new people and am starting to learn new ways of life through them.
4. i am still trying to take care of my best friend who is the same age as me.
5. i am learing that i have a mothering instinct that is really strong and almost twice as protecteve.
i don't know what i will be like in the future but who ever i become i hope it is a good person that is always what i wanted to be but always tried to hard i guess does that sound really strange.
love light and eternal blessings
Archer...Created 2005-06-07 14:45:31
Mood: Stressedi've been having alot of differant thoughts latley. some about weather or not i am doing the right thing. some about weather or not i should be changing. or if i am changing for the better. i have developed some obsessive compulsive habbits latley. and have also been so stressed and over worked that i have been getting nightly migranes.
i am trying to be differant trying to change the way my friends and family look at me. i want them to see someone that they depend on. some one that they can look up to and know will be making a differance in their lives for the better in stead of the worst.
i don't want to be a burden on any one ever again so i want to work hard and save money so that i don't need any from my parents. i don't want to be a loner. i want to graduate college and have a life to look forward to.
these are all really sound goals. things that i can do as a normal person. but i guess all the stress of trying to do these things. and all the probems i am trying to solve on my own are tearing my apart. i don't know what to do but i know i have to keep going, for me.
any how that is all...
Love Light and Eternal Blessings
Archer...Created 2005-06-03 15:06:20
Mood: Too much at once...What do I feel what do I truly need inside to make me whole again. I can’t run from my past. But I create problems for my self just the same. Is this what I have to do to keep from being forgotten?
Will you forget me if I loose control again. I am loosing my self again I am forgetting myself can you help?
Would I burden you if I asked you to stay by my side? I don’t want you to run from me. I want you to be near me always. I just can not stand getting rid of the pain. If I let go of the pain I will forget all the things that I have learned. I am a good person. I know I am I know that I can be some thing more to some one else I just have to try. I have to try to forget who I am now and be some one knew. One last time. I have to change me to make me happy. I have to start anew. Will it hurt? Probably but I can deal with it. What is an hour of pain to a lifetime of happiness? I have to make it some thing more. I have to do it for me and for all the things I have not yet to do yet. I have to start over. I have to become me. A totally new and loved me. I must love myself if I want to succeed.
So where do I go from here?
I go to the one place I can let go of it all and walk away unharmed.
To the one I love.
I must let go starting there and start over.
I have to.
But I will need help in becoming a new me. But I know that I will find that person soon I just have to look closer.
...Created 2005-06-01 14:47:51