-------------------------------------------Mood: More regretful than you'll ever knowI never thought I could feel this guilty about a death I didn't cause. I wasn't the one who poisoned Shane's mushrooms and I wasn't the one who drove him to that solution either. But I could've changed it. I could've stopped him.
We were so close growing up and we talked about the future and about earrings, music and tattoos when we got older. We just equalled out when it came to troubled homelives. But neither one of us were ever sad enough to turn to bad things.
Then when my brother got kicked out, Shane's brother stopped coming around and we just lost touch. If I had stayed with him and tried to stay near him, we'd both be alive and well.
What haunts me the most is I don't remember the last thing we said to each other. Were we happy? Fighting? And all the memories I have of us are so blurry that the only clear memory I have of his face is when we were 5 and 9 and then when he was lying in that casket. But I'm starting to forget his face...it terrifies me everyday that I wake up and I can only vaguely see him in that polished box. I don't have any pictures... 5 year olds don't take into account that your friend won't be there forever and so a lot of valuable things get lost or thrown away. Now there's nothing but a cd that I can't even listen to all the way through anymore and a card from his funeral.
The line from the song "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle says, "I'm more than just a little curious how you're planning to go about making your ammends to the dead."
I can't make my ammends now. Or ever. And I'll never know what the outcome would've been if I had....Created 2008-12-22 06:10:02
|Journal: I Miss You|
-------------------------------------------Mood: EmptyMy friends keep dying. Just one after another and each time it feels like another piece of my soul is falling with them.
I sit here and wonder if they can see me crying and screaming while everyone else sees my empty expression while comforting my friends and family during our time of loss.
It's hard to celebrate 17 years of life when you spend your birthday at the funeral of you best friend and wondering why it had to end like this.
They played "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd at Shane's funeral and it's been stuck in my head ever since. His A Perfect Cirle album sits next to my bed and force mysel to sleep every night listening to it, as if exprecting some last message from him to reach my ears.
But of all the horrible thoughts, i can't help but think of who might be next......Created 2008-12-06 08:19:17
-------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking...I was a good kid, once upon a time. Hell, back then, I got onto people for saying the word "crap". I was getting beat daily and yet I never said a bad word toward anyone. I lived for every good moment and the sun was always shining.
Now it's like someone pulled the cord to my lamp and I'm in the dark. I've been drinking since the 6th grade, I smoked for a month or so and then got bored with it and gave it up. I curse like it's my native language and rapid comebacks come to me so fluently. I trust people and the farther I let them in, the later I realize how dark and dangerous this deathtrap hole they've lead me into really is. My close circle of friends turned out to be a vicious gang and everything I've done for them has just furthered their cause for hurting others. Look at my picture, do I look like a horrible, deathdealing, gangster? When I look in the mirror now, I see no one. I can see right through me. I have no identity and at this point, it's probably better off that way.
Lisa, you raised a better person than this. You took me in when no one else would. I'm so sorry I grew up like this to disappoint you.
Adam, your death was my sign, and I knew that. I blew it, man, and I'm so sorry. I thought I had this under control but not even a few days after your death, it all crashed. I'm starting to think you were the lucky one to get out first before it got worse.
I was a good kid once.......Created 2008-09-12 01:39:37
-------------------------------------------Mood: DeadIt has gotten to the point that I go jsut to get drunk. It's not a party, it's not fun, its even slightly horrifying. What I thought was two full shots of vodka was later reported as nine along with the endless whiskey and yeager. They say I had alcohol poisoning. I'm still wishing it'd gone farther. I'm shaking, cant walk straight, head throbbing, and I want to die.
One of them said before I passed out I kept screaming, "Dont't let them hit me! Don't let them hit me! What did I do so wrong?...Oh God Lisa! I let her die. I deserve to die." I'm hoping everyone else was too drunk to realize what I was saying, cuz I probably almost gave away two of my darkest secrets.
I used to be Lovestruck. Now I'm just Fucked Up....Created 2008-08-30 17:19:20
|Journal: Played Out|
-------------------------------------------Mood: Scared, can you believe it?I have this looming feeling that because of what I've let myself fall into, I'm going to end up in Hell. But then again, I start to believe that I may already be there. But if there is a Hell worse than this, I dont want to be there, btu i don't know how to get ymself out of this grave I dug for myself already. I'm in too deep and I want out of the game.
To bad the other players are all backstabbers and are dying for a new kill. ...Assholes......Created 2008-08-23 04:04:37
-------------------------------------------Mood: Alone Outraged Sad Hurt Scared AloneWhat the fuck is my problem?
My friends are the reason that I haven't run away yet or just given up on life altogether and yet I'm pushing them away. I know have a cracked rib from my last parental run-in and mom decided to run an extperiment. A few of my friends knew something was wrong and mom took my phone and set it on the counter. She told me, "Let's see if any of them care enough for you to even call"
It's almost been a week and that phone hasnt rang once. It's like this window opened in my mind and I don't even want it there.
My friend that I would have pretty deep conversations with now only wants to talk about his ex girlfriend and how he's become a different person with a higher knowledge of the world. I can't even talk to him anymore. I just sit and nod and give him my input knowing full well that I'll jsut be shot down with my inferior outlooks. I used to be so close to all the original members of the Kings of Cambridge and now it seems like our jobs have replaced one another and I don't know how. I don't even talk to DeeAnna anymore because of her job and her problems with ex's and David and college starting soon.
I'm alone and for once I don't want to be. I know things are just going to get worse from here. I know that. And yet, I don't care enough to turn it all around. I guess for some reason I don't really want to. A horrible, selfish part of me wants everything to fall through and for me to get in the worst shape possible jsut to show them all. "This is what you get for not caring! You lose me..." But the other part is only shown when I'm alone, I suppose. That is who is speaking now. I'm so alone, and yet the only person that is still with me, is the one in my head; the one that intentionally turns everything to Hell for me.I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm sad, depressed, alone, angry, outraged, and yet
I can't put it into words for my friends. I can't make them see the warning signs in time to help pull me back before I do something terrible to myself. I get my liscence in a couple days. After that, I'll be free to go wherever I want with no questions from anyone. I don't even want to think of the darkest depths that I'll drive myself into......Created 2008-07-29 03:05:50
|Journal: Flying Kites|
-------------------------------------------Mood: S p a c e dSo I'm single after a year and 3 months of being with Joey. I guess I wasn't meant to mingle with people that I'm unable to form lasting bonds with. I guess I never learned to successfully have relationships with people that invovles emotions that normal people have. The only realtionships like that have only come from a television screen and even then I learned from an early age that sometimes...the damsel in distress jsut has to take her fate and not rely on her hero to save her at the last minute. Heroes don't exist remember? DeeAnna has been helping me though, staying true to her hero image in my mind. But she's just as incomplete as I am. Do whole people even exist? Or are they locked in those old VHS tapes and records that I still cling to?
Wanting to help me escape my distress, my friend Alex picked me up for couple ours today. This was the day that I flew kites with Alex. Now some people in hearing that phrase might catch the drift...but not many...at least I'd hope not. But it felt good. To just literally take match to anything on your mind, watching the embers flame before you, feel the remnants drift into your lungs, and then breathe out all doubt you ever had. I hadn't smiled that much since...I couldn't even remember. My own laughs startled me because I'd forgottn what they'd sounded like! And as we drove down roads that I'd seen thousand time over, I saw beauty in everything my eyes touched. All those times I'd drank alone and faked escapes for happiness suddenly seemed dull in comarison. But why is this?
WHy can't my happiness be real enough to last longer than a drug induced rush? Or am I jsut so selfish to even think of having such a mythical thing?...Created 2008-07-08 06:00:22
-------------------------------------------Mood: InfiniteDeeAnan finally came over to hang out. She's very quiet and she reads people extremely well, but for me, she lets her guard slip every now and then. Only then can I see that there's something darker underneath.
After the tour and the formalities we went outside and started talking. Before I even knew what was happening, she was telling me her childhood, things that bother her, things she won't even tell David (our "brother"). Then things she was telling me was like I was seeing my own nightmare and when I look at her eyes, it was like she wasn't there. And suddenly the only thing I could think of was that I hoped she wouldn't drift too far away. I wanted to bring her back. Her mother was jsut like mine is but towards her sister and not her. And she kept repeating that she wished more than anything that she could've taken the beatings for her sister.
Most fathers are heroes to their kids and if not that then there are celebrities or relatives. I had grown up believing that heroes never existed. When DeeAnna said that, for the first time in my life,
I saw my hero.
In that instant, my boyish, thin, quiet friend transformed into someone who was stronger than anyone. Indestructable. She's not only just a friend, but she's my inspiration, my protector, my first and only hero. ...Created 2008-06-24 20:37:22
-------------------------------------------Mood: PatheticI confuse myself. If you look at my room, you'll see every wall completely covered in random labels and pictures from various places and things I've seen. The tv, dresser, chair, and small, broken futon are pushed far into corners of my already tiny room. If you barely make a sound, you can hear it vibrate off the walls into nothing. I like feeling the solitude. To know that there's no one there to hurt me. But when I'm not able to go with people I want to be with or talk to anyone for days at a time, I turn inwards and slowly swing into a panic attack. It then feels like a trap and I'm getting ready to feel pain again.
They haven't hit me in such a long time, so why am I still afraid? Why do I still wear my clothes at night when I'm almost sure I won't have to run anywhere? I am now 16 but why do I still sleep with my bear just to feel safe? When things were so bad here, why didn't I just run away?
Why do I listen to my friends' problems and help them stay strong when I'm barely hanging on myself?...Created 2008-06-20 22:19:44
|Journal: Opaque Sunshine|
-------------------------------------------Mood: In need of vacationI've started to write again. I'm nto quite sure what direction I'm going to go into this time but I can only hope it'll be for the best. So much is weighing on me right now.
=I got a new job and I'm somewhat overwhelmed
=My friends all believe I'm involved in this interesting love triangle (or square if you want to get technical)
=There's a gang out to get me for revenge (no joke sadly enough)
=I need a car really badly
=I'm still trying to find another place to live
=I've finally been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
=Mom's embarrassed to take me anywhere because of my weight (currently 150. Is it that bad?)
=She's made me self-consious about it so now I'm back to baggy clothes and it's summer...
=I can't sleep due to Acute/Chronic Insomnia
Let's face it, I need a vacation. Thankfully, David, DeeAnna, and Hassel are taking me with them to Warped Tour again and then my oldest sister si taking me to Joliet for a while. Without my friends, I'd be a mess...okay more so than I am now....Created 2008-06-10 13:47:50
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