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    dotsJournal: meh.dots
    Mood: Stressed

    No matter how hard i try, i can't seem to keep my life together for more than a few months. I got fired for the second time this year, after never having been fired before in my life. Neither time was due to negligence or wrongdoing on my part....the first was at Top Foods, where they panicked and decided they didn't trust a 22 year old to run their bakery department after all while they were trying to figure our their remodel to a Haggen store, and the second...well, Julie of Julie's Gluten Free Bakery is an evil, self centered woman who needs professional help. I stayed for 9 months, with a week long foray into management at top foods in the middle of that. I worked my ass off for Julie, developed relationships with my coworkers, and developed recipes and helped julie so much. She knew the whole time that she was almost 100 thousand dollars in debt, yet she still brought up an award winning cake decorator from california to work for her. Lindsey is now pregnant and is going to have a hard time finding a job. Because Julie is shutting down her bakery. but not before firing me two days before she announced she was closing her doors. all because she didn't like me and didnt want me to get unemployment. I'm not making this up, folks. her reason for firing me was that i tore a note she had written out of our communication book. thats all. 16 hour days and countless recipes developed, hard work sweat and tears and i was dropped just like that.

    good riddance. but it is so hard to find bakery jobs in the winter...and i already couldn't pay my bills.

    i have so much dedication to my work and so much to offer, and so do my coworkers, all great people. it's so, so so so infuriating that we all gave everything to Julie and she threw it all back in our faces on the daily, treated us terribly and ultimately shirked her responsibilities and gave up on us and on her bakery.

    I am not generally a hateful person. but i will make an exception for that woman for the rest of my life.

    ...Created 2014-12-05 01:18:52

    dotsJournal: Awakeningdots
    Mood: Drunk-

    Almost as if time has stopped itself,
    I am tossed into a world I once knew
    Treacherously sweet and stimulating
    Soft words and sweet sentiments whispered in the darkest hours of night,
    Tangled up in salty sheets and endless gazes

    What kind of madness are we working towards?

    I can’t begin to understand the depth of my soul
    It is a wandering beast too dark and willful to approach
    But you know the way I move, only by seeing my soul
    You can touch me in the most intimate ways with sweet complicated ideas
    You twist my being and create a kaleidoscope of fantastical colors.

    Awakening here is truly a madness, a sweet madness that troubles and delights in equal parts, what sweet sadness will trap me here, can I escape the inevitable tragedy?
    Truly I am nothing but the whole of my heart, which is significantly profound to no one.
    Drunk in the way I can’t see the world through those chaotic eyes of yours, only see glimpses in a pool of water in the waning light, eyes glistening with the tears of wasted years.

    ...Created 2013-11-13 07:30:42

    dotsJournal: Sunshinedots
    Mood: Head Aching

    I just breathe, knowing you are there... breathing too.
    under the same sky,
    watching the same moon.

    and i feel closer to you, even from here.
    the memories we packed away slip slide forward to play like old eight-track tapes,
    a repetitive power ballad of starry nights, warm embraces and soft kisses.

    ...Created 2010-12-02 02:20:26

    dotsJournal: loss for words.dots
    Mood: Thinking...

    I've never been this confused about my own heart.

    love is a fickle fiend,
    the absence of reason.

    it's hard to find meaning when lost in the change of the seasons. I am in a new place, a new life before me.
    and i feel so emotionless,
    playing out this life before me like a girl playing house.

    there is love, and happiness, laced among the gray and endless days.
    i can see it through the curtains. There he is, calling out to my heart.
    telling me it's okay to love someone new.

    but behind me i feel the draw of the Other,
    the one who i would kill to kiss,
    to hold again.
    the one i told i would wait for until my ashes floated away to dance in the wind.

    Loneliness has its limits before all that is left is my own lifeless touch and the wooden smiles i leave lingering in his loving eyes.
    i tell him i love him, but the Other calls me like soft echoes in a life i once cherished.

    dream, or reality?

    my lost love, or the one calling to me?

    it seems like only a moments glance and the Other would be mine,
    a single grasp, and silent smile and all would be fine.

    but from so far away, the look, the touch...

    and i told him that the Other was gone for good.
    i told him i would give him a chance.
    and i want to. i want to be able to smile and mean it, love and see it,
    dream and be his.

    how do i forget the past and move forward when the past is an alluring dream?
    perfection is a hard dream to forget, and life with the Other felt...perfect.

    with him...I feel happy, and less lonesome.
    but when i leave his arms, my world goes gray again.

    and the Other one fills my mind, shredding the tiny light of hope budding fitfully in the recesses of my heart.

    ...Created 2010-11-21 20:55:08

    dotsJournal: coping.dots
    Mood: The Usual

    I'm not having a great time coping with losing him.
    i see him all the time, and we ar doing our best to stay friends...

    but it's getting increasingly awkward, because i keep slipping up and getting depressed around him.

    so i am going to start fresh this week and do my best to be cheerful and aloof- but not too aloof-

    gah, i am so tired of this all.
    and i am sick of pretending like i don't love him more than i have ever loved anyone.

    and i kind of wish it didn't seem so easy for him.
    like, i am aout 50% sure it's a front, but golly,
    you'd think if he cared he would at least pretend for me that he was having a little bit of a hard time over it.

    because i'm feeling pretty worthless.
    like none of it mattered.

    i can understand putting up a front for other people, but i wish i knew how he really felt. but i am afraid to ask, ,because i don't want to start any drama or anything. I just want to be as close to him as he will let me be until i leave...

    because i am not ready to let go yet, not while i can still be here with him.

    part of me wants to say fuck my life, i want to stay here and be with you,
    but i know that's stupid and naive of me and that i will certainly go on to find someone else.

    but, young and inexperienced as i am, i can't fully fathom finding someone who understood me and accepted me and thought i was beautiful like he did.

    it's hard, going through your first real heartbreak.
    i know i'll have a few more.
    i know there are other fish in the sea.
    i know he's going to be just a good memory someday.

    doesn't make it hurt any less, knowing this agony is only temporary.

    only makes it more frustrating, because it makes me feel foolish for being so pathetic and whiny about him.

    but love is never sensible.
    sometimes it seems like love is an absence of reason.

    ...Created 2010-06-01 13:30:49

    Mood: Frustrated

    So, meljay decided he wasn't going to go with me to Ohio.

    he's afraid to leave home and start over fresh.
    afraid enough he'll lose me to not face it.

    so, we have this weird half relationsip/half-awkward friendship that is-quite frankly- agonizing.

    we love each other, but he's choosing to lose me.

    so i don't...know, right now, what to do except hope, someday, he'll change his mind.

    though i am sure he won't.

    ...Created 2010-05-17 12:30:56

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Head Aching

    school work all night tonight, i think.

    i hope i get to go skating. :( that sounds like sooooo much fun. it's tonight at 6:30 at our local harborenaaaa!

    i have been yawning all day, getting over the evil stomach flu.
    i gave it to Meljay, i think. muahahaaa.

    and now one of my ex's new ex girlfriends is being creepy...i am not quite sure what to do about her.

    ah, being a teenager.

    can't wait to move.

    actually, i can't wait for June 12th when my sister gets here! she'll be down from podunk central for a month. her birthday is the day before mine so we are having a huge party blowout! it will be her sweet 16 as well as my 18th and graduation party. :3

    gahhh, i am so excited!

    ...Created 2010-04-05 14:20:47

    dotsJournal: slacking offdots
    Mood: Bored

    Teacher Aide for Mrs. Bennett, our lovely crazy creative writing teacher.

    She loves me. it's flattering. She wants to send my poetry to a state contest, hah. i won't win anything but i could use the ego boost and flattery.

    can't everyone do well with a little flattery in their life?

    she is reading some of my works to her classes as examples of different types of poetry too. not so stoked about that.... kids are vicious.

    ...Created 2010-02-10 12:28:35

    dotsJournal: .dots
    Mood: The Usual

    this weekend was incredibly amazing.

    i'll write about it later.

    ...Created 2010-02-01 15:48:39

    dotsJournal: Life--dots
    Mood: Juggling Tasks

    Life is heading along it's predetermined path, causing mayhem and happiness alike. I am just trying to keep up with everything, what with school and bills and trying to advise my little sister on her problems from across several states. All the while, days go by and the sun shines high in the sky, reminding me that i am running out of time for so many things...

    on a brighter and much shallower note, i get my hair cut today. My bangs will no longer cover half my face like some emotionally challenged preteen.
    There is a certain person that i find myself wanting to talk to, but in a sense i am not particularly allowed to talk to boyfriend is intensely hateful of said person and would not like it if he discovered i was talking to them, so i know i am going to avoid the situation altogether...but it is still irksome that i cannot talk to whoever i want.

    my PE shorts got stolen.

    ...Created 2010-01-25 16:28:59

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Linger written by saartha
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    To written by SavedDragon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard




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