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    poetry


    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    Though I will keep posting poems here. This will likely be my last journal on this site...at least for now. I'll be writing on another site. I am grateful for Elite for providing a safe venue to get started....Spirits you know where to look. I'll be there.
    PEACE XO

    ...Created 2012-01-11 21:12:51

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    Damn, it took me all evening to write the final poem for my Tarot prompts. The last one, Temperance, Card XIV asks us to look at the various roles we take in life and challenges us to stay grounded in our spirituality as we make choices regarding how to be. SHIT...I have had a block with this one. Why? Maybe because over the past few years, I strayed from my spiritual roots...The loss of Dad, Robin, Faith, family, meaningful work, safety, health, belongings....shit when I think of the past five years, it's a wonder I am still standing let alone writing poems about spirituality, roles, free will etc..... I can't even drum up the resolve to say "Fuck...the past five years have sucked BIG TIME" because right away I start thinking about the various blessings I can't forget...Isn't that part of free will....to decide what we will focus on? My problem in part, is that I fear that if I name the problems, disappointments, and painful stuff, I automatically discount the blessing. Do I? Damn it...I need to get some shit out...without fearing that I am discounting good things too.*********
    Talked a lot in therapy today about "dangerous topics". I think I was present...though I suspect...I have a voice that can complete the task so that I get the words out, without having to fully feel the shame...It's me..but a different face.... Am I fucked up or what...Honestly, I am glad there is a side of me that is willing to try to get this stuff out...It's all jumbled up...I honestly don't know where I begin and end anymore..It's not really bothering me right now because I am so HAPPY that I am not depressed!!!
    Okay...need to make some egg salad for dinner....sure beats pasta. Back later.



    ...Created 2012-01-10 20:40:07

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    Now that we have a phone for our landline, I was able to talk to Grace. I have missed her. She shared that she spent the past few weeks working on her certification as an Emotion Code practitioner. We talked and then she worked on my "heart wall". Since it's long distance (France) I simply meditated...visualized a connection and she did the healing. Since we are both psychic it works. It's funny because I ended up with a headache at the same time she said "okay...you've had enough". She also wants me to work on the "Violet Light" imagery. It's all cool and I am open...The best news is that she is going to talk with Tara on Wednesday morning....It's been almost three months since they've talked....She has clout with Tara because she has a background as a soil scientist, knew Faith well and the has managed to cultivate a solid rapport with Tara. I am tired...need to make doctor's appointment to get my cholesterol checked....I been having palpitations...without anxiety...so I need to bring that up too...which sucks because it likely will lead to a bunch of tests because of my arhythmia...maybe I should have my files from Dr. Estock's office transferred because I cannot afford to go through a bunch of tests that say "Yeah...you have a ventricular..blah blah...great heart..by the way.....I am thinking...maybe I should wait until I qualify for health insurance (June)...so I don't get slammed with a pre-existing condition. I remember, Oprah said that the palpitations come with "the change"...so do night sweats...I have both. Someimtes I wake up soaked....change...fall asleep..wake up soaked again...need to get some of that progesterone cream. I don't like change...but Ellie and Judie said that it was no big deal. That's been on my mind though...what to expect..and what does it mean for me, for my good health...how will it affect the "aging process"? I don't want to look like someone I don't recognize and I see how often that happens. Sometimes when I am on the train, I look at women on the train...and realie...shit I could easily be one of the oldest people on the train....even though some of the women (don't really look at the men...don't want to) look like "grandmothers"...you know the short dyed...blond...strawberry colored hair (because it stands up better against the gray...and women are advised to go lighter as they get older etc.)...the hair is permed...and then the clothes get al boxey...shapeless...FUCK...I would rather just let the gray come in...Faith did....and she was beautiful. She wore colors, flowing scarves, silky skirts...tops...She was so thin that she could even pull off the leggings with a very long shirt....she was able to use lots of flowing layers too....(again because she was very thin....naturally thin). She wore the most amazing earrings..butterfly hair clips...feathers...now that's cool. Several years after she went though the change....she celebrated her "cronning"....She had special robes made...and she was celebrated at one of the women’s gatherings at Redden State Forest.....cool. The thing is..one does not have to move from mother to crone until one feels ready..in other words...it happens after the change...but not until the woman feels ready. I am glad Faith didn't wait too long....I look at it as moving from mother to....wisewoman...Shit...I have digressed...don't even remember how I got her. Okay so I just want to "age' in my own way with my own style...and I don't want to look like someone's grandmother in the sense that so many women on the subway do...(to each their own...but no short haired perms for me....even though my biological family...would Love IT). Well enough on this.....just want to stay healthy. I am tired...and feel a hint of depression lurking around...Why?....dont know....I am fighting back though...Okay time to go..for now. PEACE XO

    ...Created 2012-01-09 23:32:23

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    I signed up for a poetry class at the new site. I think I'll be okay. I posted two poems, and even entered a contest for new people. I didn't want to enter the contest, but the incentive was to move up to another level. Bottom line, I want to grow. Also, I applied to join a Wiccan group on the site. On January 20, it will be five years since Faith crossed over....seems like yesterday. I need to reconnect with the craft...and the lifestyle....I miss it deeply. It is part of who I am. I keep thinking of Amy from Enlightened....she is a great character. I love her...She was not afraid to branch out...even as others looked at her like she was nuts. I need to connect. Okay gotta to make some dinner...Tara's sleeping...and Gene's at work...so I guess that leaves me to get the job done. Okay...back later.

    PEACE
    XO

    ...Created 2012-01-08 19:10:47

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    I stayed up late watching an HBO series called Enlightened. It's only 10 episodes but well worth watching. I could relate to Amy, the protagonist, on so many levels...not to mention that she also reminds me of my friend Ellie, too (except Ellie is a Tea Party person who loves Glenn Beck????). The show begins with Amy at work, having a full blown break down. She really lost it, cried, cursed etc. She was the essence of honest, raw vulnerability. It reminded me of the day I faced a major disappointment at the college where I taught. The coordinator of the Psych department shared that she was so pleased with my work, that she wanted me to get a full time contract. She said she would make the request with the Dean. At that time, the college had just hired a new VP Academic and the college wanted to put funds toward the building of a sports center. His job was to make it happen (I guess). Bottom line, not only did I not get my contract, but the VP set a policy limiting adjuncts to a max of two courses per semester (which meant my course load was cut...despite my success with the coures I had been teaching). I remember reading about the policy change on e-mail. I shut down, my computer, canceled my advising/counseling schedule for the day, canceled my classes for the afternoon, and marched up to the Dean's office to request an appointment. When a few days later, I finally had my audience with the Dean, I let her have it for cutting my course load and not making the time to tell me, or my coordinator directly, and I requested that she take a stand on behalf of the faculty, courses and students who would be adversely affected by this change in policy. She didn't do it, but my coordinator did. She was the head of the psych department and among the last to know about the policy change. Unlike Amy on the show, .I maintained my composure at the workplace. When I told Ellie about the challenges of working at N. College, she told me that she had a full blown breakdown at her former job (It sounded worse than what fictional Amy experienced on the TV show because in the end, Ellie needed medical attention). **********
    I HATE what the NY times said about Amy and the show. The author of one review described Amy as..self absorbed and a few strokes shy of crazy. The author was laughing at her.,...just like the cretins at her office. Amy is on a journey. She is learning to see the world and the people in it with new eyes. She is in search of....(and that takes courage). The rest of her world is crazy....self absorbed....dishonest...WTF?....The show is not making fun of Amy....it's just comparing and contrasting...Amy reminds me of me....but without the boundary rules....without my shit self-esteem. She is honest, sometimes presumptuous (but not in an unkind way....just would never hold up in my family of origin). When her car broke down, she asked her Mom if she could borrow her car to get to work. Mom said ,"No, you are not insured to drive that car."...good reason (she must watch Judge Judie)...but Amy keeps asking every day....Mom finally said, "Why do you keep asking me?" Amy replied, "I'll never stop asking" as she grabs her umbrella and leaves for the bus. Amy is not afraid to be herself....even if it makes her more vulnerable. When she gives her presentation to her former colleagues about the negative impact the company is having on the environment...they cut her short...she leaves...overhears them making fun of her behind her back and she returns to the meeting to let them have it. I remember giving a presentation on the rationale for including special needs kids in the regular ed classroom when it is determined that inclusion would benefit the child....When I left, the instructor, who had asked me to present (above and beyond my regular assignments) proceeded to undermine the message, telling the class that it was unrealistic (never mind it is the FUCKING law...."All children are entitled to a free and appropriate public education in the LEAST RESTRICTIVE ENVIRONMENT). Shit for brains....Rather than go back to the class the way Amy did...I went to the coordinator of my department and described her behavior in observable and measurable terms...minus the emotion (because there were MANY other incidents), further, I told him that I had no intention of taking any other classes with her. I am sure I was not the only one who expressed concern...because she was no longer teaching in my department the following semester. SHIT. The difference between Amy and me, was that I stayed calm in front of my colleagues and then lost it at home. I know what it feels like to go against the tide (Inclusion was very unpopular when I was giving my presentations). I remember Dr. D. telling me that although my ideas were great, I would need to get tenure before I could push my causes in the public school system. He was a pragmatist. Father Michael on the other hand (one of my favorite professors of all time) encouraged me....he was one of the few who valued the advocate...the part of me that could look at a problem and devise plans....(albeit unpopular plans for those who feed off the status quo). Long story short, I barely made it through student teaching....I couldn't "play nice" with the other disgruntled miserable teachers who did nothing but complain about the kids, the hours, and their jobs. Control freaks...who could kill the sparkle in a lively child...turn kids off discovery....self expression...and critical thinking. In the school where I worked...the principal wanted to see quiet students sitting at their desks....Father Michael always taught that a quiet class room (unless students are reading or in a library) is a deadly classroom. He encouraged lively inquiry, discovery learning and lots of questions. I loved him. He left N college and he left the priesthood too, however he continues to teach teachers along with my other favorite professor of all time, Dr. McH. They were innovators, advocates, pro-child constructivists....Pennsylvania is a deadly place for teachers who want to make a difference. Long story short, I could relate to Amy on so many levels. I resent the NY Times critique of her as almost crazy (shit some yuppie hipster must have written the review). Amy would be my sister. I feel inspired by her character..because she reminds me of me in many ways...perfectly imperfect, kind, searching... I love her....so NY TIMES and anyone who thinks she's crazy...too bad...your loss. If more people were like her, the world would be a better place. Thank you Laura Dern, for giving us this great character...and even though she is a bit of an exaggeration of a personality/character type...I get her and she makes me feel better about who I am. Okay, I've got to go run some errands.
    PEACE XO`

    ...Created 2012-01-08 15:27:37

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    I posted "Choice" onto another poetry site. I am going to stretch myself a bit. I even printed out bunch of literary terms and definitions, and checked out bunch of poetry books from the library. Today, I am feeling better....definitely more peaceful. Tara just called dinner....back later.
    NAMASTE

    ...Created 2012-01-07 20:58:29

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    I almost missed writing in today. I used my lunch hour to organize some of my poems....but I am feeling under the weather. Just feeling kind of queasy, headache...etc. I'm on it. The computer screen is a little tough on the eyes. I'll try again tomorrow. I haven't been particularly depressed in almost a week...I am grateful! Okay I need to call it a night. PEACE XO

    ...Created 2012-01-06 22:45:24

    dotsJournal: Harlem Niightsdots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    I was working on a poem when my train of thought was interrupted by the distinct sound of gunfire...downstairs. I looked at Tara and asked, "Gun shots?" she nodded....paused and then said: "Shit...fucking Vampire Diaries did not record on the DVR!" We both laughed. Gene called shortly after that, Tara answered and said,"Dad we heard gun shots on the street. Be careful on your way home. He said "Okay. Be sure to stay away from the windows". WTF? Are we just numb?..."You know you live in Harlem when....". The police are still downstairs with flashlights....probably looking for shells. No surprise: The shooter...ran toward the projects. Spirits, there is a waiting list to get in to these disasters run by NYCHA. Good thing we live on the third floor in our little building. Going to watch a show called Enlightened. I need a hat...think I'll make one. Glad we are all safe. PEACE XO PS I borrowed a bunch of poetry books from the library. Plan to post on a new site....I am just too tired to do it now...plus my latest poem still needs work...again too tired to do it

    ...Created 2012-01-05 23:24:22

    dotsJournal: Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    This is a repeating dream: I am moving and sorting through all of my possessions. This time I was able to salvage quite a few things. Judie was helping me. We were moving to a better place. I felt like I was making progress....that I hadn't done such a bad job...but then the dream took a turn....Nina showed up...everything she did/had/said was better. She had a wallet pouring with cash...fancy clothes....hair make-up..etc. done to perfection....She had a thriving private practice...she was teaching at the college where I used to work...she had my old office...she was well known and respected in her field....people wanted to be close to me to get to her. She was sad though...I felt protective over her...Someone said she was a mean teacher and I defended her. She Tara and I took a plane to columbus Ohio. Tara was a lot younger....Nina fixed up Tara's hair (she used to do it when Tara was very little). She and Tara were getting along and I was so happy. The plane ride was fun....In real life, I am afraid to fly...but I wasn't afraid this time. Nina had reservations at a convention center....she booked a bunch of rooms for a presentation she, Judie and I were doing....She was well respected...and everything was luxurious....Nina started taking things back...Even though she paid for everything...she started pleading poverty....I felt badly because I had no money at all.....Reminds me of the trip to California....Mom paid for most of it....I had very little money...Nina was like Mom in the dream because sometimes Mom will pay for dinner...she paid for the trip to California...etc. Nina and Amy had no problem with that....I felt guilty....In the dream, I felt ashamed and guilty because Nina was in over her head and I could not help her. Back later...my TV show is on in a few minutes.
    PEACE XO

    ...Created 2012-01-04 21:03:59

    dotsJournal: dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    I checked out another poetry site today. Tara noted that my self talk sucked. I felt intimidated by the site, the number of people on it, and just the layout. I want to expand and connect with other people who write...but I am also afraid. Tara said that I really let my biological family get to me. I am going to have to call Nina soon....she left a message and sounded like she was either tired or feeling badly about something....(Gene said she sounded like she wanted to talk)....Why would she come to me?....she has tons of friends, Mom, Amy.....she hasn't come to me for advice, support....or anything since 2003 or so when she asked me to shadow Matthew's therapeutic support aide because she was having such a hard time with Matt at school....I was honored...and I was able to help. I will wait until tomorrow and call just before my therapy appointment.... *************** I slept til 1:30 today....again I was exhausted...I look so tired.. Gene was off today so we spent the afternoon together. He wanted to go to the "Mall" on 117th Street. I haven't been to a "real" store...in well...I don't know...since forever. Gene wanted to do this and I wanted to spend time with him...he usually does what I want to do, so I gave in....He is a LEO and loves to shop.....If he had money...he would just buy what he wants...Me, I am a Taurus...I hate to shop....plus I look for value....I saw things that I liked at Target and Marshalls....but would I pay those prices???? NO. Why would I spend $8.00 on a moisturizer that's loaded with tons of unhealthy chemicals when I can by a tub of raw African Shea butter for 3.50?...and it's healthier? Any way, It was nice to spend time with Gene...He was happy and we had fun being together. We had a chance to talk and this did us alot of good. Shit my computer keyboard is sticking....Got to see if I can fix it... Back later...PEACE XO

    ...Created 2012-01-04 20:46:49

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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