Journal:  -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
"Forgive sounds good
Forget...I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting..."
Dixie Chix

Well, just in case anyone might care, I'll be on a trip from August 30th to about Sept 18 and won't be online at all, so unfortunately I'll be going through poetry withdrawal for 3 weeks on top of everything else! LOL
To anyone that takes the time to peruse my profile or read some of my poetry, I hope you enjoy what you see. If you leave me any messages, I will try to get back to you when I return.
I hope you guys all have a good September. My birthday will come and go while I'm away, turning me the strange age of 43. I say strange, because I don't feel the way I might have envisioned that age to be.
I still feel like a young, confused teenager who is trying to sort out her life and her emotions and feel like I'm in limbo or something. I haven't really started living yet even though I've been married for over 25 years and have two grown children (well...Dommo is 17...getting close!). A lot of the years behind me are just one huge blur...especially the last 10 or so...it's just weird.
So, anyway, I'll have to update my profile when I get back...just one more of a million things that I have to do...
I'm not looking forward to this trip. Physically and mentally I am at a low-point and I have way too much work to do to just abandon it all for 3 weeks. I don't have a choice though. I agreed to go on this damn thing (like I had any choice then either, really) and now I'm stuck with it.
Of course...the trip itself will probably not be bad...the scenery will be beautiful and I'll be riding horseback a lot, which I love. I'm just in such a dark mood right now that it colors everything in dull shades of pessimism and apathy.
I'm tempted to go off all of my meds entirely right now, just to baseline myself, because nothing seems to help or not have horrible side-affects that I can't live with.
The last time I was completely off meds was about 5 years ago...and I was in a crisis state, fighting off self-mutilation and constant thoughts of suicide then. I wonder (and at this point, perversely, don't really care) if I would be returned to that place if I didn't keep trying...*sigh*
I feel like I'm back to square one, and its frustrating. I guess I thought that 5 years later things would be better...
And again...it is my current mood that is coloring these words, for in many MANY ways things ARE better. It's just kinda hard to see the forest for the trees, as the saying goes...
Ah, well.
Enough blathering.
Brad, I know you're going to drop in here while I'm gone just to connect with me because you miss me. I can hardly stand thinking about it, myself...just one more thing bringing me down right now...
But try not to worry about me. I'll be okay. I'll have lots of people around me and I'll take along a smorgasborg of emergency meds to take if I crash (mentally/physically) just like we talked about the other day.
Just try to picture me on a mountainside with blue skies and sunshine and the warm, heaving sides of a horse beneath me. I will feel at peace then, I know I will...how can I not?

I miss you already though...and love you more than words can say.
You just take care of YOU and I promise to do the same, okay?
Until 9/18...
~B~...Created 2006-08-26 10:07:54 |
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