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Journal: 10/23/07
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HI...posting pretty much because I know you'll check...because you always do...because you know me...and you are prophetic, as always, knowing that suddenly my poetry voice might re-emerge...

Emerge...my soul was supposed to spill forth from me and make me whole.

What the hell happened?

I am still so incomplete.

...Created 2007-10-24 00:22:38

Journal: 2/12/07
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Not really posting anything these days...not even making the time to read any poetry. Going through yet another struggling time where I am just elsewhere in my priorities.

I do hope though that if anyone pops in and reads any of my work that you let me know so that I can reciprocate. Sometimes I just have to be prodded into activity...lol

I hope that everyone is well and that life is good.

B

...Created 2007-02-12 11:54:21

Journal: Back at LAST
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I am FINALLY back from what has been the worst trip that I can ever remember taking. I can't even begin to express how wonderful it feels to be back and able to pick up the pieces where I left them and try to resume my life.

Yeah, that bad. I just want to bury the memory somewhere and never re-visit it again.

I did accomplish weaning myself off of my meds and am going to try to wing it for awhile on my own. It will be interesting, at least, to see just how far off the deep end I go or if I will be able to reign it in enough to feign normalcy LOL

At any rate, I hope to immerse myself in poetry over the next few weeks and perhaps even write a bit, myself. The amount of work that I need to catch up on is simply staggering, so I will be struggling to achieve some balance in that area, as well, and divide my time between what I want to do and what I need to do.

Wish me luck

LOL

Barbara

...Created 2006-09-18 10:32:11

Journal:
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"Forgive sounds good
Forget...I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting..."

Dixie Chix






Well, just in case anyone might care, I'll be on a trip from August 30th to about Sept 18 and won't be online at all, so unfortunately I'll be going through poetry withdrawal for 3 weeks on top of everything else! LOL

To anyone that takes the time to peruse my profile or read some of my poetry, I hope you enjoy what you see. If you leave me any messages, I will try to get back to you when I return.

I hope you guys all have a good September. My birthday will come and go while I'm away, turning me the strange age of 43. I say strange, because I don't feel the way I might have envisioned that age to be.

I still feel like a young, confused teenager who is trying to sort out her life and her emotions and feel like I'm in limbo or something. I haven't really started living yet even though I've been married for over 25 years and have two grown children (well...Dommo is 17...getting close!). A lot of the years behind me are just one huge blur...especially the last 10 or so...it's just weird.

So, anyway, I'll have to update my profile when I get back...just one more of a million things that I have to do...

I'm not looking forward to this trip. Physically and mentally I am at a low-point and I have way too much work to do to just abandon it all for 3 weeks. I don't have a choice though. I agreed to go on this damn thing (like I had any choice then either, really) and now I'm stuck with it.

Of course...the trip itself will probably not be bad...the scenery will be beautiful and I'll be riding horseback a lot, which I love. I'm just in such a dark mood right now that it colors everything in dull shades of pessimism and apathy.

I'm tempted to go off all of my meds entirely right now, just to baseline myself, because nothing seems to help or not have horrible side-affects that I can't live with.

The last time I was completely off meds was about 5 years ago...and I was in a crisis state, fighting off self-mutilation and constant thoughts of suicide then. I wonder (and at this point, perversely, don't really care) if I would be returned to that place if I didn't keep trying...*sigh*

I feel like I'm back to square one, and its frustrating. I guess I thought that 5 years later things would be better...

And again...it is my current mood that is coloring these words, for in many MANY ways things ARE better. It's just kinda hard to see the forest for the trees, as the saying goes...

Ah, well.

Enough blathering.

Brad, I know you're going to drop in here while I'm gone just to connect with me because you miss me. I can hardly stand thinking about it, myself...just one more thing bringing me down right now...

But try not to worry about me. I'll be okay. I'll have lots of people around me and I'll take along a smorgasborg of emergency meds to take if I crash (mentally/physically) just like we talked about the other day.

Just try to picture me on a mountainside with blue skies and sunshine and the warm, heaving sides of a horse beneath me. I will feel at peace then, I know I will...how can I not?



I miss you already though...and love you more than words can say.

You just take care of YOU and I promise to do the same, okay?

Until 9/18...

~B~

...Created 2006-08-26 10:07:54

Journal: 8/25/06
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Why couldn't there be 48 hours in a day? I could sleep for 12 hours and not seem lazy and then actually maybe not feel TIRED all the time and get things done so I don't feel like I'm running around like




A million things to do before we leave on our hunting trip to BC Wednesday morning for 18 frigging days...how the hell did I ever let him make me agree to such a thing? I know how...I was only half-there at the time and didn't really care about anything or pay attention...all I wanted to do was go back to the hotel room and SLEEP while he was standing there talking to the hunting outfitters and arranging this huge trip. I let him handle it all and just blindly signed my name to some dumb contract when he brought it over to me and mentioned something about September.

Shit, it was JANUARY at the time...who the hell thinks about Sept in January? *sigh*

Ah, well...

...Created 2006-08-25 20:42:29

Journal: 7/31/06
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Another month ending...seems impossible that time flies so quickly. This month has been oppressively hot here in Wisconsin...and I am sure that it will continue to be this way in summers-to-come, so we'd best get used to it! (Those who do not believe that Global Warming is permanently affecting the world's climate are naive.) I don't mind it much, as I am inside most of the day, but I feel for my husband and our laborers who are out there working (demolition of buildings and other menial labor) with no relief from the dense heat (high humidity). My dogs also find it difficult, and walks are taking place at night or very early in the morning lately so that they don't overheat. Of course, my little Haylee loves to play in the permanent mud puddle in our sideyard where the sump-pump from our basement constantly spews water onto the corner of the lawn. I end up bathing her in the kitchen sink about 2-4 times every day because she shows up at the door with black, stinking gunk all over her legs and belly, wagging her tail like she's just had the best fun ever! LOL

...Created 2006-07-31 17:20:37

Journal: 7/14/06
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Yet another med change...and so much struggle each day coming from every angle imaginable.

Sometimes I just get so tired...I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep...or die...or something...

Anyway...

Whatever...

...Created 2006-07-14 14:02:45

Journal: 7/10/06
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I am Soooo tired of doing things for other people and being nice and having a big FUCK YOU thrown in my face in return. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being blamed. I'm tired of not being able to be NOrmAL without medication...and I'm tired of the side-affects of the medication I have to take just to get through each fucking day.

I'm tired of being me.

...Created 2006-07-10 14:36:57

Journal: 7/7/06
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Days come and go...months pass...yet I feel as though I am standing still...

...Created 2006-07-07 09:00:09

Journal: 5/23/06
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25 years married today...seems like just a few years ago...not 25...am I really that old? lol

Also 25 years since high school graduation...and although I live about 20 miles from my childhood home-town I have no intention of going to the reunion next month. There is no one there that I care to see...the friends that I have kept from those days won't be attending, either...at the time, high school was just one more thing I wanted to get away from.

The day is warm and sunny, just as it was back then...hope all is well with everyone else.

5/23/81

...Created 2006-05-23 08:13:27