Journal: Brand New Day -------------------------------------------
Mood: The UsualI love this song.
by Ryan Star - Brand New Day...Created 2009-09-26 18:43:57
Journal: I'm sorry, God. -------------------------------------------
Mood: LonelyI feel like I'm looking out to the world through a thick veil. As if I'm wearing a mask for the world to look at and the eye holes aren't aligned. How do I stop walking towards you? How do I stop walking in the wrong direction? How do I trust the right one?
I wanna see more than half, more than an outline. Where is beauty and love?
I let the memories fade because it's easier to let go. Now I don't remember anything. Haha, The Haitian doesn't remember. It's funny to me. I forget to protect myself. I had to erase a big part of myself and fill it with lies.
I miss writing and beauty and seeing and myself letting go.
May I not spill for the wrong person anymore.
May I not spill for the wrong person
May I not spill for wrong
May I not spill
May I not
May I...?
Where have I gone? Why does the world only seem to make sense beneath the trees, near leaves, wood, and nature? Where is the person who loved and connected with these things? I remember a Thursday when the color of trees was the only important thing. Fingers and faces interlaced. Water. Dark Blue. Parking Lots. Mountains. Cars to nowhere. Cars to nowhere. I want to get in a car to nowhere. A car to nowhere and trust. A walk, a simple walk, without fear and the sticky stench of my own cowardice. A right to be afraid doesn't justify being afraid.
How do I open up to a Universe I believe failed me?
...Created 2009-09-18 00:13:52
Mood: The UsualHAPPY BIIIIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3...Created 2009-08-31 15:22:53
Journal: Heal the World -------------------------------------------
Mood: I want to heal the world...It's so strange to me, change. It blurs reality and dreams for me in a way, because after a big change and then trying to think back to the last week, it seems like a dream. I'm afraid to hold on to my memories anymore because I feel like their not mine. The old me belongs to someone else, and I'm drowning the new me in old memories. There's missing, and then there's...
I don't know. Michael Jackson is gone and they still refuse to live him alone. He's a better person than anyone could ever hope to be in their lives and yet all people seem to care about is the fact that he changed himself. So what? What about his soul, what about that everlasting beauty? People can be too superficial sometimes...
Why is it that Bill Gates is the richest man in the world, but it was Michael Jackson that won the record for donating to most charities? How do you wake up in the morning knowing that and can sill complained about how he changed his face or whatever? Who cares? The man was a bigger humanitarian than most were ever. He was a musical messiah, and so of course, they have to crucify him.
I watched the memorial and sank into myself. It was the most beautiful thing, to think of people all over the world holding hands and singing "Heal the World". I couldn't help but wonder, though, how many people after that would actually go out and do something?
I went to Children's Hospital in Boston afte years of not having been there. Last time I was having surgery. I walked in and I knew that would never be able to walk back in there again. I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry because they were sick and I wasn't and I wanted to be sick so they wouldn't be alone. I love that place, though, because it's full of hope as much as dying faith.
I might be working for a place where I would be working with people with AIDs. I said yes to my aunt, but quite frankly, I might not be able to take it. I want to be strong enough for it, but I don't know. I want to help people, though, and this might be my chance to do it. I'm scared because I might not be warrior enough to help anyone fight their troubles.
I want to help, though. Michael Jackson is my inspiration. He was an angelic hero in the truest sense of the word....Created 2009-07-09 12:26:15
Mood: The UsualI need to be without it, because whenever I'm experiencing, I can't write. It's only when it's over that I see what shape the poem is going to take. I'm sick of things that look like me. I want another body to write around.
I just wanna know who....Created 2009-07-03 12:25:56
Journal: The pursuit -------------------------------------------
Mood: The UsualOf Happyness.
...Created 2009-06-17 17:51:35
Journal: Missing Words -------------------------------------------
Mood: Thinking...God, I suck now. Just when I'm succeeding at life and getting atraight As, and getting a job, and standing on my own two feet, I'm sucking.
I've failed.
I can't even write a decent fucking poem anymore. Love or God was my only inspiration. I'm afraid to be too in love with you, because I'm not supposed to anymore. So I don't. I don't love you, and I am not inspired and I don't write.
God I miss words.
I wanna be the one who produces a smile on your face, so that I can write something beautiful again. A warm heart, a warm pen, warm breath, warm papaer. A home.
I wanted one with you.
God, I miss words.
I don't know anything anymore. Living a life correctly by getting good grades and working is a lie. Idon't feel correct. I feel empty and wordless. I want words again, and I want to look into your eyes. Oh man, I suck now.
I look at my grade dissatisfied because, really, I didn't do anything. There's no challenge in gaining knowledge, the challenge is to gain it, and then to use ot and produce something beautiful. I'm reading, like you said, Alia. I swear. I want to get away from my head, but I'm too afraid to make a dash to my heart. I swear, I don't wanna love you anymore. I
m trying not to feel it, I swear. I'm trying not to miss you, I swear. I don't love you anymore, I swear.
I block out my heart, and I keep myself from feeling, because of hurt and pride. I don't wanna feel anymore, and I'm afraid of getting hurt anymore. I'm afraid of what will come out if I pick up a pen. I'm afraid of finding out I was wrong, and what I felt was wrong. Feeling at home with you was wrong, and feeling like I finally got to be somewhere I belonged was wrong. Feeling that the Universe really did have a place for me was wrong. Feeling that this place was with you was wrong. I'm afrid to find out that maybe I deluded myself, and I was the only one feeling it. I was homeless way before I got evicted.
I can't cry, my tears might form a poem.
It sucks to write I miss you so much sometimes you're all I can think about. It sucks to say that it makes me feel selfish because I know you've moved on, and you're going to find something better. I miss you.
I miss making you laugh, and putting a smile on your face. I wanted to take care of you, and show you how special you are. I miss you feeling comfortable enough to joke around with me, and I missed when I was less insecure and I could take a joke.
I'm sorry I feel all these things, but now I'm letting them out. Maybe I can let them go, too.
I'll still miss you, I swear. I'll still love you, I swear. I'll still the way your face lights up when you smile, or your booming laughter.
But I wanna write now. I missed it. I miss you.
I still love you more than words can say.
...Created 2009-05-23 19:26:15
Mood: Straightening things out...In a state where walking
feels
grounded
and grounded feels walking,
I
am ripples in stagnant waters
and the sunshine,
shines over my peaks
and my crevices....Created 2009-05-19 11:02:52
Journal: I fuck things -------------------------------------------
Mood: The UsualUp.
Honestly, sometimes I really don't know what I should do. Honestly, about 95% of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. I make mistakes like someone hoping to get rewarded for it. I walk around with my head in the clouds like someone hoping to make a fashion statement. I'm afraid of time like someone with a terminal illness and I don't have one. How do you discard fear if you don't know where it comes from? How do you discard fear you feel in unjustified? Where do you go to get rid of something?
I fucked things up good, and now I'm just afraid. If I let things just go and work themselves out, what if they don't? How do I know exactly when I should be letting things work themselves out, and when I should be trying to fix them?
When it involves two people, each with a reason to walk away, how do you know when you should hold on or
Journal: Brand New Day
