-------------------------------------------Mood: DeadA few weeks ago I came home. There was a note on the table. She was gone, and as were all three of my kids. I am in the middle now of the most painful thing I have ever had to endure - divorce. I feel lost, I missing my kids...
Looking back at the schlock I had written in my teenage years I realize that I knew so little and, yet, so much. There was a certain spark of wit and wisdom in my angst ridden words... I could not then comprehend what I know now...
What's more, the problems of a teenager or even a very young man are nothing compared to adult pains. It's fun and sad to see this evolution... I may be alone now, but I suppose it will be okay. I will always have my writing.
I'm back....Created 2015-08-18 16:04:31
-------------------------------------------Mood: Guess what!?I just got a publication offer! Just from a local magazine but none the less! It's been a while since I stopped by, nothing has changed. Not even a new comment but who cares! Its good to look through the archives now and again anyways....Created 2015-02-11 09:53:40
|Journal: My god|
-------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking...It has been ... years since I last signed on to this site. And longer still since I submitted anything. And to see in my little message box people asking how I was, speaking words of encouragement. What has gotten into me?
Honestly I can't say, I have been... in a strange place recently. On the one hand I have grown, matured, calmed down. Settled down with a wife now. Have twins on the way. A boy and a girl :) Liam and Adeline, due in just a few months. I have a job, I'm in college, still in the military somehow.
Actually I just got back from Afghanistan 8 months ago or so. About that, yeah.
And ... well, we all know I have always been a bit a of a downer, a little depressed and emo but this. This feeling? Tone? I don't know what it is. Despite all the progress I have made in my life there is this overwhelming sense of self hatred and anger. It's not healthy. Went to go see a doctor about it oh... 4 months ago I want to say. Diagnosed with monopolarism, which is to say, depression. It's like bipolar, without the mania. It's a constant weight pushing down on my emotions. Got prescribed some meds for it, too. They usually take the edge off. Quit smoking as well. Probably not helping, but we're too poor to afford smokes now so...
Also, there is a friend I miss who I met on here. I read her journal entry, nearly as dated as mine. Things didn't look so good. I hope you're doing better Sanctity, and that we can talk again some time....Created 2012-10-22 09:30:54
-------------------------------------------Mood: The UsualFor Christmas I recieved from a dear friend a slide show of the last couple years of my life, pictures taken by others... it is a precious gift I love dearly, however...
Looking closely, you can see the weight falling on me, and by the end I am so...
And it is so clearly seen in those pictures...
Just odd to see the evolution of myself through another perspective....Created 2010-01-28 18:43:06
|Journal: A man, a tree|
-------------------------------------------Mood: The UsualSo he asked the tree, what hast thou seen, oh ancient oak, of what ancient things wilst thou hath spoke? And the tree didst reply to the man, I hath seen mine children raise and fall, and by thine hand hast this grove decayed. And didst the man fall to his knees and prayed Wouldst thou forgive a man? Didst the tree speak, nay, for I hath no need, for despite thy progress and thy greed, in a sixty years hence wilt thou fall, thy house rot, and thy trinkets rust, for thou hath been from from the dust, and to the dust shalt thou return, and my brood shalt feed upon thine....Created 2010-01-19 20:41:26
-------------------------------------------Mood: The UsualWe were discussing today the aspects of war. Leah always hates these conversations, says I am planting images in her head she would rather not think about.
On that note I would like to say something.
Whether or not you want to see something, does not determine the reality of it. I do not want to see what Anna did with this David fellow, and sure the images haunt me, enrage me, my blood boiling with an uncontrollable anger. I would rather not think of it and yet, it was.
Pulling the wool over your eyes does not change the reality of things. Better live with awareness. It will make you love the lovable things a little more, assuming there is something lovable near you.
Once I was told a story, the most graphic an terrible I had heard. It was not the blast of an IED stripping the flesh off the members of a squad on patrol, no the sound of a bullet punching through flesh. It was somethin here in the homeland.
An officer, who's name I'll not reveal, was called into a domestic case. He get's there, some one he knows and respects, but first time ever to his house. A mess, a terrible mess, smells terrible. Smells like death. He qwells the case, does his thing and leaves. Later he is called while on patrol to the house again. He searches through the debris this time, making a more or less routine search. He reaches the back room. Guy says no you cannot go in. Officer says it's just routine and enters the room. The place is just as messy as the rest of the house but...
There next to a bowl of food long empty is the desicated carcass of a small hairless dog. No.. upon closer inspection...
It was that boy who's been missing for weeks. Starved to death a few weeks ago.
Don't wanna hear about it? I don't blame you. But it still happened and will happen again and again, until our race is no more.
Those images in your head, they speak only what is true. Do not succumb but understand, there is darkness.
Good, now you know there is evil. Go out and face it. In this way, with honest facing and acknowledgement you can do your part. Or go back to pretending bad things only happen on TV.
911 is the number you'll need someday....Created 2010-01-13 00:20:03
|Journal: II A Puppy|
-------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed Sometimes I feel like a puppy, youthful and energetic, Just wanna romp through the snow with the other puppies or maybe someone who loves me for who I am, which is puppy.
I feel like a puppy who’s been kicked out of his house, and is wandering the streets looking for a happy place to by puppy at. That kind of puppy. The ugly one no one wants. The thing about being puppy is that I am not sad, I am not actually unhappy. I am simply incomplete. I’ve no puppy to puppy with. I puppy with some other pups at times, but I have no puppy place at which I may perpetually pup without worry or care.
A puppy is happy always, because a puppy pups and roos, but without someone to pet me and love me, I am a puppy without a home....Created 2010-01-11 16:06:49
-------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking.I have been thinking.
Whether or not we were created by God, as I believe, we were all born.
Born from generations of extremely unlikely (indeed, nigh impossible) circumstances.
From the first generation, men and women have met and loved, and from that love or perhaps lust, our ancestors were born.
And the cycle continued, over thousands of years and generations to this one point, this one extremely unlikely circumstance in which you, who ever you are, was born.
And even still through the lives of others and the interactions between them comes this point. The one where I type this revelation onto a website created by some intrepid fellow and in which you for whatever reason have visited, frequent, and write. And read.
And for whatever reason you clicked on my profile and read this entry.
And then life goes on.
And one day you will meet someone and perhaps one day have a child.
And thus the cycle continues.
Life itself is a circumstance we cannot fathom. We all have an explanation. God created Adam and Eve (this is mine). We evolved from goop, from apes, and from neanderthals. We are cyclically born into new bodies until we reach Nirvana. And we simply are.
No matter the belief, it is impossible to comprehend.
But not appreciate.
I was born from generations of Irish farmers you sought a better life for their children, and oneday visited Ellis Island with wide eyes and big dreams. Their children moved to West Michigan, and through time, I was born.
I met people here who changed this inconsequential and meaningless life into something that, in some small way, matters. I met and loved, and loathed and abused a girl named Amber. I met a redeemer named Leah, and love her still, protect her still, and guard her still. I fell in love with and nearly married Anna, I lost her to mere circumstance and now her bloodline continues from the seed of another. I fucked up a thing I had with Kate. I found a life partner (in some small sense) in Helen, whom through unique circumstance -ah that word of the day it seems- I have come to love and depend on. I met a man named Daniel, who taught me to love Music and believe in God. I met Cody, a shrimpish man, whom is like my older little brother. I joined the army, and may one day soon give my life for a strange Iraqi child born to the harsh reality of war.
In short I am, because of those who were and are. And as are we all.
And unfathomably, all of this has happened. And so will happen again, and again, until one day it can occur no more.
Such is the way of things. ...Created 2010-01-07 15:23:39
|Journal: Broken apart|
-------------------------------------------Mood: DepressedI dont understand...
why these things always fall apart.
Watching her kiss so tenderly her new man, seeing them so happy when not so long ago I was that guy. I was the one holding her. One day, in a moment, she stopped, she left, she moved on. In one day.
I moved on slowly, I met Kate, who could not handle my past. She left on Christmas eve.
It's odd, this feeling I feel. It is the lack of feeling, utter apathy. Watching my friends play from behind this glass wall. I wanna reach out, but I cannot. I wanna scream, but I cannot be heard.
'You're addicted, just like your cigarettes.' Am I?
And really what is that habit anyways? I tell you it is one of my few comforts in this life. Feeling down? Have a smoke, takes the edge off.
ANd recently, I have been drinking.
I have been unable to sleep.
It's ... a comepletely broken feeling I feel.
I have no worth.
I see the truth, if I left... t'would be an unannoted passing. Like rain in fog. Or a shadow in the dark.
miss her. Whoever she is.
I miss feeling alive.
And more than anything, I want to be in some ones, anyone's, heart.
Christ this hurts... good to get of my chest though. Thank God I don't have a loaded gun right now......Created 2009-12-27 23:48:12
-------------------------------------------Mood: The UsualMet a girl, stayed up all night watching movies and flirting. Thinking maybe I should take her on a date. She's interesting, seems kind enough, brutally honest, and hates it when i tease her. This could be fun, maybe even good. Considering she is not one of those cyclical girls I've been dating in my past.
That and really, after 10 months, it's nice to feel, well, wanted. Anna left a sour taste in my mouth, perhaps it will be that this one could give me something sweeter to chew on.
No not like that.
Although that'd be nice.
No no, for real though, fast moving as I normally am I wanna do this one right...Created 2009-12-18 06:09:45
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