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dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

It is 1:34 AM.

I am lying in your bed and you’re still awake, facing the other way.

The presence of indifference clings to everything. There is no animosity, only apathy. Like a face in a dream yours is blurry. There is no gaze, not even an acknowledgment. Coming here was wrong, but I am still grateful for everything.

I know what I need to do.

...Created 2021-08-07 05:38:00

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

...Created 2021-07-13 02:04:06

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

What do you want. All you ever do is ask from me. You take and take and ask me to do all these things. Do you ever really do anything in return? Not really. All you did was hurt me. You side with me in bed and the next day you force me to say we were never together. What kind of fucked shit is that. Even now you never really apologized. You said sorry maybe once and it was beyond half assed. The amount of times I apologized to the moon back, and half of it I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for.

Would you even remember what you would apologize for anyways? Probably not. You just don’t want to feel guilt for what you did to me. How you made me feel in the end. You still don’t and it’s obvious.

But sure, I’ll help with guitar and technical things and other stuff even though I made you miserable apparently.

You remind me of someone.

...Created 2021-03-30 09:09:09

dotsJournal: Youdots
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Mood: The Usual

It’s taken me a very long time to accept this realization, but I’m willing to speak it now. Not over the phone because you don’t deserve that, even if you cared for it.

It’s that you’re cruel.

I pushed that thought all the way back behind my heart, and I put your immediate feelings and thoughts before my own. You were cruel at the most unnecessary times. You are mean to the ones that love you, and went out of your way to make me feel horrible. Never once did I pause the world to make it known that something you did was awful, or that you should change in a certain way. I laid down and took all the blows. An emotional punching bag. And in the end, you had to burn the forest down so you could escape your own reality: that you never want to admit that you can be a cruel person sometimes.

It takes so much energy and courage to say that. To admit that. That you honestly weren’t a good friend.

May the bridges I burn light the way.

I understand it now.

...Created 2021-01-05 02:20:48

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

The only time you want to talk to me is when you want to scold me or berate me, or when you want me to play music. I keep reaching out waiting to be understood or heard, and you either act like nothing is wrong on my side or I’m a bother.

Why do you dislike me so much?

...Created 2020-12-29 06:44:18

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

A song in the grave of elephants

...Created 2020-12-24 06:01:50

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: The Usual

My mind is eating itself. I am scared and alone.

Where were you

...Created 2020-12-17 06:09:10

dotsJournal: Lonely Winter dots
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Mood: The Usual

The microcosms of the Universe came together and whispered to me. They mentioned how I could take small breaths again, and I did. I do not have a Norwegian forest to hide myself and my desires, but the lonely seclusion of my mind has brought forward sounds. Sounds in the mind.

I have spent the last few days secluded and listening to various music. I am now spending time on trying to squeeze out anything I can think of, with the few resources I have. I am doing what I can, but this feels like a healthy change.

“You need to do some soul searching.”

I heard this in a show once. I think that’s what I’m doing. The problem is, whatever comes from this, may not be the best thing.

For everyone involved.

But the mind still sings.

...Created 2020-12-12 09:26:57

dotsJournal: I Hear No Musicdots
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Mood: The Usual

I feel alone. Truly alone. I don’t feel like I have friends, or people that honestly care. No one interested in what I do or what I can accomplish. I get people into things but shortly after they forget about me or do said things with other people instead. It is tradition at this point; it is life.

I am tired. Beyond tired. I have many faults, many faults. I have a long list to work on, this I do know. But I feel so alone. Unnoticed. Set aside. Fallen under the bed like a child’s toy or an unfinished nesting doll. Or more like an unfinished pillow case, embroidered to be buried beneath obligation.

That’s all I am and ever will be- an obligation.

I am tired.

...Created 2020-12-10 00:49:29

dotsJournal: Callouseddots
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Mood: The Usual

There was no tin foil hat.

...Created 2020-12-03 08:12:41