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    dotsJournal: Do you care? dots
    Mood: Who am I again?

    To anyone who cares:

    I am tired.
    I am tired.
    I am very very oh so very tired.

    My will to live wavers.
    As one had once said:
    "I do not need a reason to commit suicide, I need a reason to live."
    Do not fear, suicide has crossed my thoughts, but they are merely thoughts.

    Life is cruel and does not think to pity me.
    She throws me into the light for a moment and allows me to breath, allows me to smile and laugh, that being when I write.
    Then she grabs hold of me and plunges me back down into the dark water.
    I have lost this war.
    I am sure that you are all rebelling against me in your own little way.
    "Nothing, nothing. You shall soon see for yourself. Through the lips of a goblin and the eyes of a faerie."

    I once could dance, I once was the very idol of admiration, but someone took me from my pedestal and threw me to the ground.
    I lay cracked and worn, waiting for someone to come caress my cheeks and find some sort of unhidden treasure in me.

    A hopeless dream, but a dream nonetheless.

    He caresses me thoughtlessly, our hands entwined so gently. I live, I die.

    Our separation is a momentary death.


    Happiness, my dear, where have you gone now? If anyone finds him, please return him to me. I miss his grin quite a lot.

    ...Created 2010-03-28 23:24:42

    dotsJournal: Oh goshdots
    Mood: Blargh

    Not in the mood to write.
    How sad.
    The writer has lost her passion.

    ...Created 2010-02-20 20:17:20

    dotsJournal: Todaydots
    Mood: Brooding

    It's hard thinking that you're thinking about someone else today.

    Just dance and run until there's no feeling.

    What a brilliant plan.

    ...Created 2010-02-14 18:39:38

    dotsJournal: Dear Journal,dots
    Mood: Tired

    My mother has asked me to keep a journal. I dislike writing with a pencil, so I'm going to make this my official journal [even though I was already using it anyways, official or not].

    Today is.. the 11th I think? 8 minutes to 10 A.M. as I'm writing this sentence. I haven't had a dream/nightmare in a week now.

    I am always exhausted. Always. No matter how much I sleep. Tell me, do you know why? Because of the pressure I have on my shoulders.

    All my family's hope and pride lies with me. It's so heavy that I can't throw it away even if I wanted to.
    It hurts. For a long time I thought if I smiled it would go away, if I kept this to myself it would fade away. That wasn't true.

    I've exploded. I keep venting or ranting to people I'm sure hate me by now for it. I don't want them to hate me, but I can't keep it inside anymore. There had been a person who could ease that pain, but things went wrong and I left.

    It aches. My head, my shoulders, my heart. It aches.
    It is sunny today. I want it to rain.

    I'm a coward. For wishing to not exist, but to afraid to rid myself of existence. So I'll wait.
    Wait until what people call Fate allows me to wither and die.

    I'm a butterfly. Short life span.
    Beautiful from afar, ugly up close.
    Happy from afar, sad up close.
    I want someone to save me. I want someone to say, it'll be okay. I want someone that can hug me.
    I want someone who doesn't care about the fact that I'm so confusing.

    I'm repeating myself. It's the same words over and over again.

    I don't care anymore.


    ...Created 2010-02-11 11:58:53

    dotsJournal: Me and Idots
    Mood: Tired as Usual

    Who am I? What am I?

    Who do you think I am?

    Do you think I'm that happy girl you see dancing in the rain without a care?

    If so, you obviously don't know me at all.

    Do you think I'm that sulking girl who's stayed cooped up in front of her computer for over 6 hours now?

    If so, you might know me a little.

    My parents have never once celebrated their anniversary. At least in my lifetime. I wonder if they even remember the date.

    It makes me lonely to think about that.

    I swear my whole family has problems in the noggin. No jokes. I might just be the most normal in the family.

    After reading several horror mangas, I've been in the 'horror' mood for several days now. Seeing those pretty girls stab people, I wondered if an ugly girl like me could do it and feel the same 'pleasure'. I also wondered what it would feel like if I killed my entire family. I'd probably commit suicide afterward.

    It's almost mind-boggling when I think about myself. Am I a happy girl? Or a depressed person? Or maybe just a person who has completely convinced them self that they're depressed, but is actually perfectly fine? Or am I all of that? Am I both happy, depressed, and not depressed?

    Am I Miss Hyper-Rofl-KittensRandomness or am I Miss Serious Kaichou? I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. My head hurts.

    I'll sort this all out another day. For now, I'll just lean back in my chair, sigh, and think 'It'll be okay.'


    ...Created 2010-02-10 12:21:55

    dotsJournal: Little Roomdots
    Mood: Tired

    I'm waiting for you
    in a white little room.

    Nothing can hurt me here.

    I'll be okay.

    I lied.

    ...Created 2010-02-07 21:17:19

    dotsJournal: Oh my, oh mydots
    Mood: Sometimes I wish I never existed

    The words no longer flow from my fingertips as I wish they would.

    Has my one and only true love stopped loving me?

    If even words shall not listen to me, I do not know what shall.

    Has my life lost meaning?

    I think it has.

    Already for a long, long time.

    Give me something to live for.


    ...Created 2010-02-03 15:46:17

    dotsJournal: A Sad Sad Heartdots
    Mood: Crazy

    Since when in the story did I become the 'bad guy'?
    I don't remember.
    Is there something wrong with me loving you?
    I hope there isn't, because when I first loved you, these feelings really were pure and innocent.
    Now a days, I don't know anymore.
    Have my feelings turned black, or in other words, into obsession?
    I find that I must spend my days in front of my computer so I can watch you go along as you will.
    I am filled with doubt.
    Have I ever truely loved you?
    If I did not, then from the start was it all just a child's obsession?
    I don't want to think of that.
    I want to think of you, us, as a happy thing.
    As a first true love.
    Yes, it is lame, it is childish, but it is a dream.

    You smile at her (not me) and she smiles back.
    I feel suddenly so lost.
    Like you were the anchor of my ship, but when you were gone, I floated adrift.
    Hey, why can't you smile at me?
    Am I really so despicable and sinful and black that you can't show such a joyous expression to me?
    But I.. I thought I was no more evil than any other.
    Or is she the only angel in your life?
    I reek of stupidity.
    I had actually believed that I would be the jewel you discovered and clutched to your chest from a pile of sand, your very own hidden treasure, your precious love.
    I am undeserving of your love, aren't I?
    I can't stop it anymore.
    I want to make her disappear.
    If you hadn't met her, would you have loved me?
    I like to think of it that way.
    If I think of it that way, I won't seem like the bad guy.

    Indeed, I have become the bad guy of the story. The 'third' in a love triangle.
    This would have been so much easier if you had only loved me.
    ONLY me.
    Only.. Only.. Only..
    I don't see what's so hard about it.
    I am not especially ugly.
    I am not plain.
    I am talented.
    I am intelligent.
    I am the daughter of a businessman.
    What is wrong with me?
    Why can't you love me?
    Hey, just tell me. I'll change.
    Just for you.

    I am begging of you.
    Only one thing.
    Don't love her.
    If you don't, there is a way for me to live.
    If you do... my life has no meaning.
    Do you understand?
    You ARE my life.

    I love you.
    You don't love me.
    Is that fate?
    If so, I want to change fate.
    If that doesn't work, I'll pray to God over and over again and hope that he forgives me for my sins.
    If that doesn't work, I'll go to a witch and ask for a love potion and I'll pour it in your drink, even if it means giving her all my hair.
    If that doesn't work, I shall kill you and then myself like in those books.
    If I fail to do so, then... then...
    I do not know.

    - Anonymous

    ...Created 2010-01-25 22:42:34

    dotsJournal: Darn it all.dots
    Mood: Bwahaha. Haha.. Haha...

    Still have to post in two RPs.
    Boo hoo.

    8 tests total this week.
    2/8 completed.
    Three tomorrow.

    Lots of studying to do.
    Might be lurking around.
    Probably can't post.


    ...Created 2010-01-25 17:41:32

    dotsJournal: Haha. Haha.dots
    Mood: Sleepy. Blech.

    I shall be cramming homework today.
    Shame on little me for deciding to hold off on homework until Sunday.
    I'm tired.
    Even though I probably slept 9 hours.
    Still not enough.

    I've unfortunately got a sore throat.
    Darn, these citrus cough drops taste good.

    Gotta post in two RPs.


    ...Created 2010-01-24 14:34:08

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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