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Mood: The Usual

Eyes meeting across from each other
One simple glance affixed with a thousand meanings
Nurturing an idea rooted on hopes and dreams
Insidious since its inception
Nothing feeds it externally
Yet it grows

...Created 2018-10-26 11:08:20

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Mood: The Usual

I'd like to get to know my mother. She's a complete stranger to me. I've cast her as the villain in my story. Part of this is her fault, she has fit the role quite easily. Part of this is my fault, since I've tacked some of my shortcomings on to her.

Regardless, I'd like to get to know her. I want to see who she truly is behind all the noise. She seems so strange to me at times. It's unfair how I treat her but its reactive. I don't give her the benefit of her opinion anymore because she's hurt me in the past, with only her words. In my mind, I imagine a scenario and assign her her dialogue (based on past interactions). I don't know if she would ever sway away from this performance but so far she has fit the role to a tee.

I've cast her as the villain and its hard to give her another role. Does she deserve it? Am I being dramatic? Does she deserve better? Probably yes.

However, I'm weak and I need defense. Sometimes I feel like we're in a dictatorship in my home, everyone is a prisoner of the whims of this one person. Its exhausting to guess what mood she will be in and how it'll affect those around her. She seems to hold no consideration for her words, and hurls them at you even if you're defenseless. I've seen the damage of her words, of her moods or her sole presence.

I don't hold many happy memories to her and the ones that I do are deeply cherished. Sometimes I feel like I do hate her and I wonder how exaggerated i'm being. I wonder why I can't be fair and wonder how hard it must be deal with me too. Am I causing her to be this way? Would life be better for them without me there?

...Created 2018-02-01 15:50:00

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Mood: The Usual

El amor, como la belleza, esta bajo la interpretacion del que lo vive y lo ve. Es inutil vivir tu vida al compas de otro tambor, muchos clichés existen para guiarnos. Pero los clichés se repiten tanto que pierden su importanca y nos volvemos desensibilizado a las lecciones importantes que ofrencen estas frases.

...Created 2017-02-27 11:49:08

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Mood: The Usual

I'm tired of measuring my life by someone else's timetable

...Created 2017-01-23 14:12:20

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Mood: The Usual

These crutches have stifled me for far too long
I've relied on the words of others to express my thoughts and feelings
I've told myself again and again that my words can have no impact on the world
That I can never compete with what's been said and that this or that has already wonderfully expressed my feelings
that my thoughts would be derivative in comparison and I've lost the trust in my words
In my thoughts, in my feelings

I've shut myself up for fear of appearing plain and little in comparison
but fuck the comparison and fuck whatever's made me feel this way
I may not be at that level, my pen may be weak but I will strengthen it

...Created 2016-12-28 13:01:40

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Mood: The Usual

I think as life continues I begin to understand why the calendar in Atlas Shrugged was so terrifying.

...Created 2016-12-28 11:01:02

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Mood: The Usual

My pen has been idle for far too long
It used to be so easy to put my thoughts into paper
but lately I can't transcribe my ideas
It just seems that everything stays inside my head and when it comes out externally it doesn't flow
It makes no sense and its not necessarily what I meant to say
It gets lost in translation. I'm speaking another language that I can't even interpret myself once I see it outside my head
It all has to do with my confidence
I don't trust that I'm smart enough to contribute to the conversations going on around me
Or that what I have to say matters at all
Which is stupid
Others don't care what it is that they throw out to the world
They just throw their words out into the wind and have no care of the destination or consequences of those words
They live their life without thought,they are the man of action
I, unfortunately, am not
I drive under the guise of having control by overthinking every scenario
As if that will make a difference
as if it has done me any good in the past
Its the definition of insanity but its a habit I can't seem to break
I need to have trust in myself again

My father recently asked such a simple question but it impacted me so deeply, he asked, why don't you love yourself?
My father could see it, could pinpoint at this fatal flaw in me
Its a truth that can not be denied and it hurt but its the truth
Every one of my actions correlates to the fact that I dont' love myself
If I did I wouldn't do what I do to myself
I would care about my destination, my future, my feelings, I would give voice to my thoughts because I respect me
but I don't

I need to fall in love with me
I need more than anything
Screw finding some other half to complete me
I need to reconcile myself with me and do it because I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life
and I might as well love that person
I might as well give that person my all

I need to stop treating me as if I'm just a shell that I have no control over
In actuality the only thing I have control over is myself
The delusions that I've used as a crutch need to end
Its time to wake up and face the journey that lies ahead

...Created 2016-12-20 11:34:03

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Mood: The Usual

It's time to give it my all. Not throwing my shot indeed. This life is mine for the taking and my course may not be the ideal but its mine to take. Its mine to live. Its mine to do with it the best that I can. There'll be failures and disappointments but I can not give up now.

The time for regrets is so over. Lo de manana y disfrutar el hoy es todo lo que importa.

...Created 2016-11-08 17:19:37

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Mood: The Usual

The right amount of sad, that's definitely how I would describe what russian lit makes me feel and why its my favorite of all literature categories.

...Created 2016-10-17 14:03:35

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Mood: The Usual

Middlemarch is so good! I am so entranced by these characters. Its so amazing how George Eliot was able focus on each character, bring out their stories, their thoughts. I'm able to sympathize with each of them, even if they're annoying but you understand their thoughts and the reasons behind their actions. I love Dorothea and Will Ladislaw. They have their flaws, which makes them utterly human. I'm so into the story that its hard to put the book down.

The 2016 reading challenge has been absolutely brilliant. Every book I've read has been amazing. I absolutely loved Maurice and fell in love with EM Forster and George Eliot is quickly becoming a favorite. Next year I'd like to read 1984, Brave New World, Vonnegut and Dickens. I'd have to somehow balance it with reading more women authors. This year has been a good balance of adding more books by women to my reading. So far the reading bit is good.

If only my losing weight and feeling better about myself challenge were going as well!

...Created 2016-10-04 17:13:49