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Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Forgive and forget, are you kidding? I'd rather sit around and let the anger fester Let me tally up your wrongs to me and let the anger consume me Let it anchor me and drive me Have it guide my every thought and every action Until I'm just a big ball of rage So yeah no no forgiveness and no forgetting ...Created 2016-09-23 11:09:57

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual This being honest with yourself and honest with the world business really does work. My soul feels lighter. Who would have thought it? ...Created 2016-09-22 16:04:06

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual The truth is that I've never thought of myself as a writer, I'm a reader, an observer but to call myself a writer would be paramount to calling myself a fraud. ...Created 2016-09-19 14:27:27

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual To live or merely survive That is the question Whether to allow yourself to be set a drift through the currents of life As if you had no choice, no destination Wandering through the currents No conscious choice of your journey Allowing the waves to toss you through the rocks Apathetic to whatever course it may lead Wondering when the end may come, looking for spoilers ahead It's a dreary thought Not one that would be worth living, not even worth surviving So what pushes me to wake up each morning What hope drives me? There must be a better tomorrow There must be something grander than myself If no destiny is awaiting me, then it is in my hands to make it happen It's a burden, its a curse, one that I didn't choose to bear But one that there's no point in fighting So Life I call upon you to help me in this time of need Show me Love, show me Hope, show me the Beauty that I'm too blind to live I'll move my feet but uncover the guiding light for me I'm lost and need help to find the path Shepherd me to the crossroads and the rest will be up to me I just need a helping hand for a bit of the journey Just because I can't do it alone and also because I'm not enough of a motivation to myself to keep on going There's the rub, the salt to the never healing truth Send me a balm to calm to the wound, just to allow me enough strength to walk, to find purpose, to find me again Dear Life, its all I ask. Just a bit of a guiding light to guide me towards this darkness that has anchored my heart for too long ...Created 2016-09-09 10:17:56

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual While the stream continues to bring you upstream I seem to be stuck on the rope The different currents are taking us on different journeys I fear that we'll miss each other and once we re encounter we'll be long gone best friends No matter what the memories will be great ones and I'll be thankful for the moments were I was able to share in your life but sometimes its exhausting to put on the pretense Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly me or if I'm a version of me long gone but that still exists (or pretends to exists) in order to keep you in my life No one forces this upon me, that I do understand but its something I wonder because I don't truly know myself or Maybe I do and that's the problem All these rambles leading no where These thoughts that surround me, that drown me Which is why I stand still, paralyzing the boat Sure the currents may rock me but I don't allow them to move me and you continue to move upstream while my fear and anxieties continue to ground me ...Created 2016-09-08 11:17:23

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual I'm a book hoarder. I am never satisifed with what I have, I always want more. My tastes have changed as I've evolved. The ideas contained in each literary work seems to move through me as if by osmosis I've retained the knowledge and wisdom that's captured within. Each book is a door that allows me to live, to love and to breathe through different worlds. I'm entranced, I'm surrounded, I'm a captive to the literary world. Life has no structure, life has no plot, I don't understand life but I understand books. Through the journey taken in each book I am aware of the signs that the next step will bring me. Love conquers all, the villain will fall in the end, philosophical ideas are absolute in books. Its the only place were it all has a purpose, where it all makes sense. ...Created 2016-07-23 12:49:15

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual I hoard the pieces of myself like a treasure I do not share who I am within If you believe you've gathered a piece of me Don't pawn the piece The false trinket will not gather you any wealth Any piece of me that misses hurts dearly In the past the pieces were returned broken It took a long time to repair all that was gathered back If you find a piece of me when you wander around Keep it That part of me no longer has any place within my puzzle some parts are easily discarded Others I will never part with I would apologize for the fortress I surround myself with Its ready to damage any that approach it I know it's burned you in the past I know you carry the wound of your tries I do hate that I've hurt you I don't know how to be a different way and probably the worst part is that I am unwilling to try I don't know what the point of it is There is futility in all that I've written All I know is that it had to be said It's freeing to let it fly away The scary part sometimes is that I do hurl the words and let them fall where they may Heedless of the consequences I unburden myself and wish luck to those that have fared worse by the end of my discourse ...Created 2016-04-07 12:19:32

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual You spoiled me in the past And I didn't notice until it was gone You ask the meaning of my words and phrases When you used to understand them as if they too resonated in your mind I can't explain truly what I mean, the whisps exist in my mind and they're brilliantly held within it The great masterpieces turn to shit whenever they're extracted to the external It baffles me that you question my meaning when it used to be plain as day for you Where did you use the ability to read me and to understand me Why does it frustrate me so much that I must explain myself to you when you used to just understand it makes me question whether we are speaking the same language it makes me fearful of the future if that thread has begun to break What is to become of this, which we have fought to preserve Is it ultimately a loosing battle, as I've always thought it was and yet you caused me to hope I was wrong ...Created 2016-02-11 18:03:02

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Man, I'm kind of a whiny bitch. ...Created 2016-02-08 16:32:03

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual When the doors of heaven closed for me I felt all hope for the future die The absurdity of this meaningless existence The idea that the universe doesn't care an inch about me Caused any desire for life to die I kept on going on and on Without purpose, without desire I kept on breathing in and out Since continuing to exist was my burden As time went on and I grew weary of my nihilism I started to look towards the sky to find a silver lining and I realized that though I am in the gutter There are indeed stars in the sky I may not believe in an ever after There will be no pearly gates welcoming my end but if all I have is now and The universe doesn't care a wit about me Then I am free to be whatever, I am free do do whatever Without reproach and without fear of retribution This is my silver lining Its how I find my will to live Not merely to continue existing but to make each second that I have count ...Created 2015-12-03 12:42:43