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dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

Forgive and forget, are you kidding?
I'd rather sit around and let the anger fester
Let me tally up your wrongs to me
and let the anger consume me
Let it anchor me and drive me
Have it guide my every thought and every action
Until I'm just a big ball of rage
So yeah no no forgiveness and no forgetting

...Created 2016-09-23 11:09:57

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

This being honest with yourself and honest with the world business really does work. My soul feels lighter. Who would have thought it?

...Created 2016-09-22 16:04:06

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

The truth is that I've never thought of myself as a writer, I'm a reader, an observer but to call myself a writer would be paramount to calling myself a fraud.

...Created 2016-09-19 14:27:27

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

To live or merely survive
That is the question
Whether to allow yourself to be set a drift through the currents of life
As if you had no choice, no destination
Wandering through the currents
No conscious choice of your journey
Allowing the waves to toss you through the rocks
Apathetic to whatever course it may lead
Wondering when the end may come, looking for spoilers ahead

It's a dreary thought
Not one that would be worth living, not even worth surviving
So what pushes me to wake up each morning
What hope drives me?
There must be a better tomorrow
There must be something grander than myself
If no destiny is awaiting me, then it is in my hands to make it happen
It's a burden, its a curse, one that I didn't choose to bear
But one that there's no point in fighting
So Life I call upon you to help me in this time of need
Show me Love, show me Hope, show me the Beauty that I'm too blind to live
I'll move my feet but uncover the guiding light for me

I'm lost and need help to find the path
Shepherd me to the crossroads and the rest will be up to me
I just need a helping hand for a bit of the journey
Just because I can't do it alone and also because I'm not enough of a motivation to myself to keep on going
There's the rub, the salt to the never healing truth
Send me a balm to calm to the wound, just to allow me enough strength to walk, to find purpose, to find me again

Dear Life, its all I ask. Just a bit of a guiding light to guide me towards this darkness that has anchored my heart for too long

...Created 2016-09-09 10:17:56

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

While the stream continues to bring you upstream
I seem to be stuck on the rope
The different currents are taking us on different journeys
I fear that we'll miss each other and once we re encounter we'll be long gone best friends
No matter what the memories will be great ones and I'll be thankful for the moments were I was able to share in your life but sometimes its exhausting to put on the pretense
Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly me or if I'm a version of me long gone but that still exists (or pretends to exists) in order to keep you in my life
No one forces this upon me, that I do understand
but its something I wonder because I don't truly know myself
or Maybe I do and that's the problem
All these rambles leading no where
These thoughts that surround me, that drown me
Which is why I stand still, paralyzing the boat
Sure the currents may rock me but I don't allow them to move me
and you continue to move upstream while my fear and anxieties continue to ground me

...Created 2016-09-08 11:17:23

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

I'm a book hoarder. I am never satisifed with what I have, I always want more. My tastes have changed as I've evolved. The ideas contained in each literary work seems to move through me as if by osmosis I've retained the knowledge and wisdom that's captured within.

Each book is a door that allows me to live, to love and to breathe through different worlds.

I'm entranced, I'm surrounded, I'm a captive to the literary world. Life has no structure, life has no plot, I don't understand life but I understand books. Through the journey taken in each book I am aware of the signs that the next step will bring me.

Love conquers all, the villain will fall in the end, philosophical ideas are absolute in books. Its the only place were it all has a purpose, where it all makes sense.

...Created 2016-07-23 12:49:15

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

I hoard the pieces of myself like a treasure
I do not share who I am within
If you believe you've gathered a piece of me
Don't pawn the piece
The false trinket will not gather you any wealth

Any piece of me that misses hurts dearly
In the past the pieces were returned broken
It took a long time to repair all that was gathered back

If you find a piece of me when you wander around
Keep it
That part of me no longer has any place within my puzzle
some parts are easily discarded
Others I will never part with

I would apologize for the fortress I surround myself with
Its ready to damage any that approach it
I know it's burned you in the past
I know you carry the wound of your tries
I do hate that I've hurt you
I don't know how to be a different way and probably the worst part is that I am unwilling to try

I don't know what the point of it is
There is futility in all that I've written
All I know is that it had to be said
It's freeing to let it fly away

The scary part sometimes is that I do hurl the words and let them fall where they may
Heedless of the consequences
I unburden myself
and wish luck to those that have fared worse by the end of my discourse

...Created 2016-04-07 12:19:32

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

You spoiled me in the past
And I didn't notice until it was gone
You ask the meaning of my words and phrases
When you used to understand them as if they too resonated in your mind
I can't explain truly what I mean, the whisps exist in my mind and they're brilliantly held within it
The great masterpieces turn to shit whenever they're extracted to the external
It baffles me that you question my meaning when it used to be plain as day for you
Where did you use the ability to read me and to understand me
Why does it frustrate me so much that I must explain myself to you when you used to just understand
it makes me question whether we are speaking the same language
it makes me fearful of the future if that thread has begun to break
What is to become of this, which we have fought to preserve
Is it ultimately a loosing battle, as I've always thought it was and yet you caused me to hope I was wrong

...Created 2016-02-11 18:03:02

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

Man, I'm kind of a whiny bitch.

...Created 2016-02-08 16:32:03

dotsJournal: dots
Mood: The Usual

When the doors of heaven closed for me
I felt all hope for the future die
The absurdity of this meaningless existence
The idea that the universe doesn't care an inch about me
Caused any desire for life to die

I kept on going on and on
Without purpose, without desire
I kept on breathing in and out
Since continuing to exist was my burden

As time went on and I grew weary of my nihilism
I started to look towards the sky to find a silver lining
and I realized that though I am in the gutter
There are indeed stars in the sky

I may not believe in an ever after
There will be no pearly gates welcoming my end
but if all I have is now and
The universe doesn't care a wit about me
Then I am free to be whatever, I am free do do whatever
Without reproach and without fear of retribution

This is my silver lining
Its how I find my will to live
Not merely to continue existing but to make each second that I have count

...Created 2015-12-03 12:42:43