Journal: Wow -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Life is... Great! For once, my life is going well. I'm actually and truly happy. I have never been genuinely happy before. There has always been something to hold me back, but now there's nothing! I have the best friends in the world, a job, a roof over my head where I can be myself, and an amazing boyfriend. It all just makes me so happy! But what makes me sad. My grandma. My dad. Caner wipes out everything. I hate it. Grandma has breast cancer, and it was pretty gnarly. Dad... he's getting worse. His cancer has spread throughout his body, his liver, bladder, kidney, lungs... it's just not going away. And now he has fluid around his heart... that's not at all good. I wish I could make it all go away. That's my daddy. He's the one who kept me sane all those years of living at home. He could make me eat, he teased me, he's pretty much the nicest guy I know. He's the one guy I'm not afraid of... I'm afraid for him. I want him to get better more than anything. *Sighs* Well, it's Thanksgiving weekend. I still have yet to receive my license in the mail... which means I'm still working two day weeks. How am I supposed to get by on that? grrr! I haven't seen Kyle in over a week, and I miss him like crazy! I want him here so badly! He might be coming down for Thanksgiving... I really hope he can. I need that boy! Well... I must be off to work now. Peace out, I'm praying! ...Created 2009-11-23 14:08:32

Journal: DuhDum! -------------------------------------------Mood: Blissfully Happyyyyyyy SO today was my first day of work. It was amazing! Just the feeling of getting payed... being employed, and having to say, I have to go to work!. AMAZING! I won't be working full time for a few weeks, until I get my license and my written taken care of, but until then, I work on Monday and Tuesday. After that get's situated, I will be working Sun, Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat. I can't wait!!! I LOVE working. Today, I filled out paperwork and watched videos... gotta love training! But it's cool, cuz I get to be payed for it I love being employed! K. Well, I'm going to go to bed... I is tired. And mah Kyle needs to text me back Speaking of Kyle. I can't believe we've been together for almost a month! It's like... crazy! and I love it! He's like... so FUN! And amazing. And nice. And has a job and a car, and seems that he actually likes me. Wierdly enough. I was looking at pictures the other day, I can across the pictures of Jacub and I. I was looking at them closely, then I looked at the ones of Kyle and I. I noticed something I hadn't before, that struck me oddly. Jake's eyes were masked in lies. THey lied. Kyle's eyes seem to only bear truth. I didn't see it til now... but the way Jake looked at me... and then the memories of me having to ask him to smile... But Kyle he was already smiling when we took them... he actually liked taking them... it wasn't like... forced. What an eye opener. Jacub was not the person I thought he was in many ways. But Kyle... I like him... I need this to last. I can't take much more hurting. Kassie suggest I go lesbian if things don't work out. I say I should just be a nun. or a cat lady, without the cats. haha. But really, I can't stand to be hurt any more. But so far, things between us are perfect. We talk about everything. It's healthy... just hard. He lives so far away. In Lynnwood. But the more I miss him, the sweeter it seems to e when we see each other again. I like this... it keeps the fire burning. Anyways. Now I really am going to go to bed... Kaygrl out! ...Created 2009-10-21 00:44:46

Journal: Amazing! -------------------------------------------Mood: Incredibly Happy! So I called the DL Roope ppl. I was able to get my test score. And... I... PASSED!!!! I'm SOOOOOOOOOO pumped!!!! This is perfect... The sooner I get my written out of the way, the sooner I can start working! I can get paid for what I love to do, and I won't have to be so worried about how I will pay my bills and such... I'm sooo close I can taste it! ...Created 2009-10-06 16:01:45

Journal: Slut say WHAT -------------------------------------------Mood: Pissed/upset So me, the nicey nice person, decided to say hi to Mark. Not the EX Mark, but old Mark from ages ago. The one that wants in my pants. But it's been a couple months since I talked to him last, so maybe he's ready to be friends? Nope. He decides I'm a slut. Because I won't sleep with him. And this is after him telling me to cheat on Kyle, or leave Kyle for him. NEVER! So I told him I only want to be friends with him, but he says he can't take just that. I'm like that's so stupid. He says, you know you wanna. I'm like, NEVER in a million YEARS will I sleep with you! So he's like, well Why am I still talking to you, good bye. Hold on just a minute! Nice to know I'm so disposable. Make me feel like shit, I have feelings you know! Oh but now I know how he feels, I hope you feel like shit for a long time. I'm like, how you feel? WHAT! Oh yeah, you tell me I'm cute and want to date me, then I find out you're dating some other guy and you're no different from those high school sluts. EXCUSE ME! First off, I didn't want to date you, you fucking kissed ME. I called you a perv bc you tried to grop me and kiss me more after I told you NO. Then he says, yep, just a slut. Now you're changing the story. Don't talk to me until you grow up. BULL FUCKING SHIT! Gah boys fucking SUCK!!! I'm not a slut, sluts have sex with multiple guys, I've NEVER had sex! Just because he gets all butt hurt that I'm taken, and he gets all jealous, and because he can't get in my pants he calls me a slut that uses people! FUCK! Anyways. I got in a Fight with Courtney, Meljay, and Jesica. It's so crazy. I really don't want to go to the movie night... too much drama right now. I'm not in high school anymore. And if no one is going to want Kyle there if he comes, then I'm not going to stand for him being treated like dirt. So there's no point in us going. We'll have our own movie night, by ourselves. and the whole original gang crap? that's a fuckin excuse. But what ever. I'm done fighting over this, I'm done fighting with them. I'll just avoid the problem completely. Jes, Courtney and I need to have a girls night, but we never will be able to. Meljay is a permanent appendage to Courtney. I never really get any quality alone time with her anymore. As much as I love Meljay, sometimes it bugs me. What ever happened to girl time? I only get that with Jesica now. Idk. I just want all the tension to go way. But yeah, Kyle just bought his new car. He's driving to see me on Friday possibly, if he doesn't have to work. I can't wait to see him again. He's so sweet. I like him a lot. I don't care what anyone says. He makes me happy, and that's all that should count. So my "allergies" are still here. I have like three days left of antibiotics... and I'm still hacking... I guess it's a little better, but I want it gone, like NOW! grrrrrrr. Idk. It's almost three in the morning, and I realy can't sleep. grr. Well. I'll go try. Night. ...Created 2009-10-01 04:35:12

Journal: Blllllaaahhhh -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Ugh. My sleeping schedule is waaaaaaaay whacked out. My back is hurting again. I'm tired as hell. But on the bright side, I get to go to the doctors tomorrow! I'm going to get looked at in every way. My cough, my ear, my back, my lumpy chest... everything I can get out of this visit, I'm going to. I'm getting a new phone tomorrow... and my card for food stamps. I'm quite sick of this cough... I'm hoping it's not pneumonia. I've had it for a month and a half already. I can't wait for this weekend! I'm meeting Kyle It will be super fun. We might go to the beach... which reminds me... I need to look up the weather. I'm so glad that I don't live with crazy lady anymore... there's no way in hell she would let me meet him and whatever... even though we're only friends right now. How bullshit is that. I'm almost 20 and she was controlling me like a child. Well... look at what she did with Jacub. He's to blame by a lot... but seriously. I'm thanking God I'm free. I might be poor as shit, with nothing but the clothes on my back, but at least I have my freedom. And Regis wants to hire me anyhow. I'm super nervous about my test on Monday. I can't afford to fail it. Everyone says I'll do fine... but what if I don't? Ack! Well... I'm exhausted... Nighty Night! ...Created 2009-09-23 23:59:24

Journal: Tired. -------------------------------------------Mood: Worried and sick. So I think my bed is cursed. Ever since I started sleeping in it again, I have had constant night mares, and troubles sleeping, more than I already do. I wake up screaming, or sweaty, or both. Half the times I don't remember what I dreamt about upon waking. I know I've had at least two dreams in the past week about Jacub. I'm sick of it! JACUB get the hell OUT of MY HEAD! I'm done! Gah! It's so annoying when I go to sleep and haven't thought about him in a day or so, or only in passing thoughts, and suddenly I have a dream about him. It this some sick joke my subconscious is trying to play on me?? I mean really! I don't want to have dreams about him any more, I don't want to think about him anymore. I just... want to go on and live a normal life. Get back out there. I mean... it's been almost what, four months??? I dated him for two? COME ON! It's stupid and ridiculous! GAH! Boys SUCK. Especially when they mess with your head. Grrrrrr. Anyways. Along the lines of boys... I met a nice guy online... I'm kind of... nervous for the whole online thing... but if he's playing with me... he's good. But Like... I sit down and think about it... I can't be the only girl he's met online, right? So how many other girls is is he talking to like this??? Am I paranoid??? I like him so far... he makes me smile. He's so attractive... but he lives a long ways away... but at least, since I have yet to meet him in person, I know he must like me for more than just my body and ass. Right?? Idk... I'm skeptical... After the last guy that screwed me over and he lived ten minutes away from me. HOnestly. I'm done being screwed over... so I'm not going to... get caught up too much... So Millie is really really ill. Jeremy took her to the hospital... super high fever... violent vomiting... shaking... crying... it's bad... all day... So I watched her kids and fed them and put them to bed. That was at seven when they left. It's now one thirty in the morning, and they haven't returned. I hope that she's ok... I'm worried. Speaking of being sick. I'm still sick... have been for over a month and a half I think it's been now. can't seem to stop coughing... I'm so so tired... I just feel lousy... ugh. So I have an appointment on Thursday... I'm hoping that I can get something... My test is next Monday! I'm so scared... I HAVE to pass!!!! AHHH!!! Well... I'm off. Night. ...Created 2009-09-21 03:43:03

Journal: Gr. -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Ok. I'm so sick of being sick. Annoying. And I have a horrid toothache that makes the entire left side of my head throb. And what's perfect is that I can't go to a doctor or dentist because I don't have any insurance. Or money. GAY. I'm in loads of pain. I'm excited. I get to babysit tonight! Yay! ...Created 2009-09-15 17:53:20

Journal: Going on -------------------------------------------Mood: Up, down, and all around. There is so many things going on! Last night I nearly had a breakdown. Everything is just... overwhelming. And I don't know who I am anymore. I'm so confused. I have testing today. the last practice before the real practical. I am feeling sick. I have to pass. I'm desperate. I need a job so so bad. I have a new puppy! Her name is Mysti, and she's the cutest thing ever. I'm going to say that I blame Jacub for my coughing. I didn't have that until I went to his house to cut his mother's hair, and he was really really sick. So I blame you Jake! argh! I'm sick of being sick. I hate it! ...Created 2009-09-02 11:47:10

Journal: Freedom -------------------------------------------Mood: Bliss and Liberated So I'm finally free. I'm not sure if I went about it the right way, but there's nothing I can do about it now. But I feel great... but a little guilty at the same time. But I'm looking forward to my freedom look out world I'm back! ...Created 2009-08-20 18:57:34

Journal: eeeeek -------------------------------------------Mood: Terrified and confused. Well shoot. I dreamt that Jacub and Justine had a baby. I really hope that it never ever ever comes true. That would mean that he would be with her for a very long time. I guess he got a job at Phyl’s furniture. Hm. I wonder where that is. I’m still worried, even more so now, about my escape. Wendy was saying that she wants to keep me here until I pass my test. I don’t want to. Now I’m even more to tell her I’m leaving, but weather she likes it or not, I’m out. I have to get out. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s a losing situation. But I gotta go. I’m dreading telling her. I’m trying to find someone that can get me out… but they gotta have a truck cuz of my stupid bed. GR! If it weren’t for my bed… Gosh I’m so scared. But I have to tell her. I really want to wait until she get’s that money order off in the mail. But I’m worried that she will see that I put my parents address on the paper instead of hers. But if she is to see it… that might make her ask the necessary questions to bring it up instead of me randomly bringing it up. But every time I think about it, my heart pounds insanely. I shake. That’s how afraid I am to tell her. I just hope that everything will go as planned. I’m so nervous. I’m praying to the good Lord that he protects me from her wrath. But I don’t know if he will. I’ve been pretty selfish lately. I am greatly appreciative for what she has done by putting me through school, but not grateful for all the sacrifices she made me make. All the hell she put me through. I just can’t deal with that anymore. I want my freedom. And I’m an adult. It’s time I stand up for myself. It’s time I escape. It’s time I take responsibility for myself now. I’m done with her, and I’m going to find a way to weasel out from under her thumb. I’m done being suppressed. I want to be happy again. I’m never going to be happy here. I’m stuck in the middle of no where, and I have nothing out here. I almost wish Jake would show up to help me, just to piss her off. LOL. That would be absolutely hilarious. But as long as he’s with her, he won’t even talk to me except for online. Sigh. I need to just get over him already. I’m done feeling like a hopeless sop. He’s never coming back to me, so I just need to except that. Hm. I got like no sleep last night. I didn't get to bed til two am. So I packed up some more of my crap... I have a lot of clothes that I don't even wear! I'm getting rid of some, but I still have a lot. I need more boxes. I'm so scared for my testing. I did some serious studying last night, and I want to cry! My brain can't remember all of this! All the bacteria and diseases and parts of the body!!! There is sooooooooo much! And I'm not even half way through the stupid book!!!! ='( ...Created 2009-08-14 10:17:30

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