Mood: The Usual Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on.'
So, she did and said 'Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them'. So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will'.
Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," says Jack.
He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill,
'Here babe, try these on'.
So she does and says,
"These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack says,
"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't even get into your knickers."
So Jill says,
"Exactly. And if you don't change your f+*!%$g attitude, you never will"....Created 2009-10-28 12:05:55
Mood: The UsualThe following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry midterm. The answer was so profound that the professorshared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
" First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of volume in hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2) Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year-"...that it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you."- and take into account that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
This student received the only 'A' given. ...Created 2009-10-19 12:46:24
Mood: The UsualDave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"...Created 2009-10-11 09:17:19