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    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    your ear and nose
    must be killing you

    i cant do this anymore

    ive gotta keep moving

    when my ribs are full of concrete
    and my head is full of grief

    you’ll find me again then,
    or when i’m looking back

    but for now,
    im here
    i have to commit

    what’s the point of making it without you?
    with nobody here?

    ill find out

    ill find my own way
    the Universe
    does not let me rest
    like so many others can

    something is pulling me
    i feel the gravity of it all

    ...Created 2021-01-22 15:29:14

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    i locked the door

    ...Created 2021-01-22 03:14:00

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    i need to stop
    doing this in the morning it

    completely wrecked me before

    there has to be a line drawn somewhere.
    i cant sleep.

    thanks for your help last night.

    ...Created 2021-01-21 13:17:43

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    cant wrap my head around it
    trying to find peace

    whys everyone always want
    the same thing from me?

    why do i have to settle
    and give pieces of me away

    why does it take me years to learn lessons

    why cant i be held and contained?

    why is that all that anyone wants?
    why dont my pieces fit?

    why am i the one stuck with maps on the walls

    i fought so fucking hard to be here.
    turn back a few pages and see how
    there was so room for wanting to be alive,
    believing i didnt deserve anything,

    why is it whenever i express boundaries

    the room clears and im left to myself to rebuild

    why do i keep dragging stones up hills
    if all anyone does is watch

    i dont want your hands all over me

    i wanted your hand in mine

    i want to feel like im not drowning for once,
    i want to feel like im not lonely for once,

    i want to feel my anger
    and not be ashamed of it

    if all ive done is create and give
    and this is the emptiness its given to me
    echoed throughout my body and teeth

    then that gives me nothing but anger and sadness

    its this tangled mess that hurts to unravel

    these words are so gentle but my feelings
    feel so betrayed and anguished

    every day
    i tried my best

    can you say the same?

    ...Created 2021-01-20 13:14:11

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    never dragged you through the mud
    or told our friends

    never thought i’d be starting over
    with you again

    sitting here in the cold on our
    ice cream bench
    there’s no roar
    no warm presence
    nothing glowing in my chest

    i asked you open handed
    you wanted to keep me in your closed fist

    so i swung

    i keep my eyes forward

    i’ll protect you with my silence

    ...Created 2021-01-14 00:21:21

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    dealing with death

    wanting to die

    eaten alive

    ...Created 2020-05-21 09:08:11

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    day 170

    every night i stay up until my

    mind collapses in on itself and
    everything starts to deteriorate

    i cannot rest

    im convinced that my organs are going to
    burst at any moment and i
    clench my muscles so tight i am
    sore beyond belief

    tired beyond relief

    it is this agonizing cycle of
    waking up too late and

    being depressed about it and

    trying and failing to fill my day
    with anything

    but my ptsd of being trapped,
    my overwhelming sense of ocd and paranoia,
    it fills me with these sudden



    that’s all it is
    “thats all it is,” i say,
    as if they dont burn the people closest
    to me

    like a blanket bombing of napalm.

    we are on a cramped sinking boat and i have the
    audacity to be rude and aggressive
    - - for no reason at all it seems like, to them,

    when in reality it isnt rudeness or anger at all

    it’s this unexpressed repressed fear and sadness.

    i get it now and im doing my best to relieve it
    but im alone im alone im alone

    riley is a life raft but she’s rose and im jack.

    i cant cry, i cant sleep, i eat a lot or not at all.
    im climbing walls.

    im angry and agonized and terrified of
    being trapped in this place and

    i am terrified and agonized and angry
    at the thought of leaving it!

    my death? nothing at all, not a second thought

    but to harm
    those i love

    to open the door
    and let in
    what cannot be let out

    to bring in destruction
    as i pass over the threshold

    is a burden i cannot bear,
    i am barely here as it is.

    and yet, and yet, and yet
    en wat dan nog?

    inject sunshine into my veins?
    youre out of your fucking mind

    ...Created 2020-04-24 11:48:17

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    day 24

    you know how to walk
    right into my heart

    uproot it and
    transplant the poor wretched thing
    right into your skin

    you let me in
    you let me in
    you keep me in

    you know just what to say
    where to touch
    how to move

    but you don’t change
    you don’t change
    i keep my mouth shut

    i wither on the rocks in the garden of your love

    i settle like a weed in the shadows
    starving for more
    hungry for change

    ...Created 2019-12-02 04:25:49

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    why am i
    so hard to love

    ...Created 2019-11-24 05:00:44

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    just let me die already

    ...Created 2019-11-17 06:23:40

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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    January 10 07
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