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 Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
your ear and nose
must be killing you
i cant do this anymore
ive gotta keep moving
when my ribs are full of concrete
and my head is full of grief
you’ll find me again then,
or when i’m looking back
but for now,
im here
i have to commit
what’s the point of making it without you?
with nobody here?
ill find out
ill find my own way
the Universe
does not let me rest
like so many others can
something is pulling me
i feel the gravity of it all...Created 2021-01-22 15:29:14 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
i locked the door...Created 2021-01-22 03:14:00 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
i need to stop
doing this in the morning it
completely wrecked me before
there has to be a line drawn somewhere.
i cant sleep.
thanks for your help last night....Created 2021-01-21 13:17:43 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
cant wrap my head around it
trying to find peace
whys everyone always want
the same thing from me?
why do i have to settle
and give pieces of me away
why does it take me years to learn lessons
why cant i be held and contained?
why is that all that anyone wants?
why dont my pieces fit?
why am i the one stuck with maps on the walls
i fought so fucking hard to be here.
turn back a few pages and see how
there was so room for wanting to be alive,
believing i didnt deserve anything,
why is it whenever i express boundaries
the room clears and im left to myself to rebuild
why do i keep dragging stones up hills
if all anyone does is watch
i dont want your hands all over me
i wanted your hand in mine
i want to feel like im not drowning for once,
i want to feel like im not lonely for once,
i want to feel my anger
and not be ashamed of it
if all ive done is create and give
and this is the emptiness its given to me
echoed throughout my body and teeth
then that gives me nothing but anger and sadness
its this tangled mess that hurts to unravel
these words are so gentle but my feelings
feel so betrayed and anguished
every day
i tried my best
can you say the same?...Created 2021-01-20 13:14:11 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
never dragged you through the mud
or told our friends
never thought i’d be starting over
with you again
sitting here in the cold on our
ice cream bench
there’s no roar
no warm presence
nothing glowing in my chest
i asked you open handed
you wanted to keep me in your closed fist
so i swung
i keep my eyes forward
i’ll protect you with my silence...Created 2021-01-14 00:21:21 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////dealing with death
disease
wanting to die
eaten alive...Created 2020-05-21 09:08:11 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
day 170
every night i stay up until my
mind collapses in on itself and
everything starts to deteriorate
i cannot rest
im convinced that my organs are going to
burst at any moment and i
clench my muscles so tight i am
sore beyond belief
tired beyond relief
it is this agonizing cycle of
waking up too late and
being depressed about it and
trying and failing to fill my day
with anything
but my ptsd of being trapped,
my overwhelming sense of ocd and paranoia,
it fills me with these sudden
fearful
rages
that’s all it is
“thats all it is,” i say,
as if they dont burn the people closest
to me
like a blanket bombing of napalm.
we are on a cramped sinking boat and i have the
audacity to be rude and aggressive
- - for no reason at all it seems like, to them,
when in reality it isnt rudeness or anger at all
it’s this unexpressed repressed fear and sadness.
i get it now and im doing my best to relieve it
but im alone im alone im alone
riley is a life raft but she’s rose and im jack.
i cant cry, i cant sleep, i eat a lot or not at all.
im climbing walls.
im angry and agonized and terrified of
being trapped in this place and
i am terrified and agonized and angry
at the thought of leaving it!
my death? nothing at all, not a second thought
but to harm
those i love
to open the door
and let in
what cannot be let out
to bring in destruction
as i pass over the threshold
is a burden i cannot bear,
i am barely here as it is.
and yet, and yet, and yet
en wat dan nog?
inject sunshine into my veins?
youre out of your fucking mind...Created 2020-04-24 11:48:17 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
day 24
you know how to walk
right into my heart
uproot it and
transplant the poor wretched thing
right into your skin
you let me in
you let me in
you keep me in
you know just what to say
where to touch
how to move
but you don’t change
you don’t change
i keep my mouth shut
i wither on the rocks in the garden of your love
i settle like a weed in the shadows
starving for more
hungry for change...Created 2019-12-02 04:25:49 |
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Journal: /////
-------------------------------------------Mood: /////
why am i
so hard to love...Created 2019-11-24 05:00:44 |
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Journal:
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
just let me die already...Created 2019-11-17 06:23:40 |
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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
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