Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// i cant let my sadness kill me i cant be strung along forever either ...Created 2018-05-06 11:52:06

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// i’m sad and angry and lonely there is nothing poetic about it. these feelings are caustic to the few people that care, so i just need to smother myself with a pillow and get it fucking over with ...Created 2018-04-25 22:43:50

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// you stood upon the edge of my moat and gently pled, ‘please lower your bridge’ there was no reply so you took pebbles from the ground and tossed them into the murky water between us ‘i love you’ the first stone was dedicated. ‘im here for you’ the next. ‘you are beautiful’ following ‘you are cherished’ little ripples splashing with no effect. love is not the antidote to depression my walls remained tall, threatening to cave inward upon me but you persisted ‘i love you’ another stone was named ‘everything is okay’ soon after and then i realized if i did not let you in, you would build your own bridge one piece at a time. ‘what are you thinking about?’ you asked quietly. ‘poetry.’ ...Created 2018-04-03 19:32:30

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// i was tilted by two degrees my tolerant nature says stuff it down my throat into my calcified stomach with all the other doubts and worms and yet my heart stutters, asking for more details forever the masochist ...Created 2018-03-26 04:37:27

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// dig deeper find the root and you will know the branches ...Created 2018-03-22 18:07:37

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// i just want to die in the end it’s that simple. maybe more accurately is “i dont want to be alive” i dont want to be anything at all. ive come to a few realizations lately. some bigger, some minor, mostly about how miscommunication plays a large part in my life and that also i should be dead by now and im disappointed that im not. i want to be seen. i want to be heard. what does it take to be asked questions? to be asked about myself, curious questions about anything i lock up anyway, sharing is vulnerability ask me anything and i change the topic i am a word chameleon. hiding behind descriptions of other people other things which is hilarious given how much ive been blundering lately saying so many things very unlike myself but im not sure if anyone has noticed. im not sure i noticed until i looked back on it all. plainly, im unhappy with myself. im trying to grow and change. if i am being dragged, relentlessly against my will into the future into life i need to change. or die. either one works. ...Created 2018-03-15 22:14:49

Journal: ////: -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// you let me plant my roots in your fertile skin you let me in you let me in i am a tied kite a whale for life and you know? this time feels different. this time, everything feels right. i am sure. my heart is not walking. this time i know, this time hahaha i was interrupted by happy regulars. okay, i can do this. this time, i am ready ...Created 2018-02-12 10:30:22

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// sneaky like a siren i do not notice it until it is blaringly clear undoubtedly certain in the rearview that just the idea of you is so toxic it spoils my ground water burns my crops it is the preemptive strangle of your hands around your childs throat before a worse fate inevitably befalls her i will not be that woman who mangles and i will not be that daughter not anymore, not any longer i will fiercely protect myself, my mood, i will do what it takes to survive that harsh night i will be here for the dawn i will be illuminated by its glow ...Created 2018-01-30 23:50:57

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// i keep making jokes about ending my life and watch closely for the reactions sometimes a pause. usually they just carry on. am i stuck planted in time watching people go on without me or am i rushing past them like trees outside of a car window? it’s nice. wanting a future. having something to work towards. it’s scary and new. most days i feel im failing. who knows. the adrenaline heaving in my chest tells me to drop everything and run to be weak and flee down the street, into the cold creek to be the old me weak shallow grasping needy needy needy needy thats what its called when you ask for things what are you supposed to do when someone hands you something purely out of kindness? i couldnt wipe the smile from my face it made me feel guilty, shameful greedy greedy greedy am i bad or am i good i dont understand how im meant to behave when its just me myself dictating it now i never understood never grasped what is the right amount of appreciation? is it on my knees? is it smiling through distress what is it how genuine is it and for how long what do i do? i’m lost. im lost in this sloshy froth of belonging in safe happiness and crushing confusing depression that scolds me with long taunting fingers of, you do not deserve this! you did not earn this! i deserve rest, a quiet grave. i deserve death. not much more. ...Created 2018-01-28 18:30:17

Journal: ///// -------------------------------------------Mood: ///// all i got for christmas was acceptance and generosity ...Created 2017-12-26 11:28:39

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