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    poetry


    dotsJournal: /////dots
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    Mood: /////




    i cant let my sadness kill me

    i cant be strung along forever either

    ...Created 2018-05-06 11:52:06

    dotsJournal: /////dots
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    Mood: /////



    i’m sad and angry and lonely


    there is nothing poetic about it.

    these feelings are caustic to the few people that care,
    so i just need to smother myself with a pillow
    and get it fucking over with

    ...Created 2018-04-25 22:43:50

    dotsJournal: /////dots
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    Mood: /////



    you stood
    upon the edge of my moat
    and gently pled,
    ‘please lower your bridge’

    there was no reply

    so you
    took pebbles from the ground
    and tossed them into
    the murky water between us

    ‘i love you’
    the first stone was dedicated.
    ‘im here for you’
    the next.

    ‘you are beautiful’

    following

    ‘you are cherished’

    little ripples
    splashing with no effect.

    love is not the antidote to
    depression
    my walls remained tall,
    threatening

    to cave inward upon me

    but you persisted

    ‘i love you’ another stone was named
    ‘everything is okay’ soon after


    and then i realized
    if i did not let you in,
    you would build your own bridge

    one piece at a time.




    ‘what are you thinking about?’
    you asked quietly.

    ‘poetry.’

    ...Created 2018-04-03 19:32:30

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////




    i was tilted by
    two degrees


    my tolerant nature says
    stuff it down my throat
    into my calcified stomach

    with all the other doubts and worms

    and yet my
    heart stutters,
    asking for more details

    forever the masochist

    ...Created 2018-03-26 04:37:27

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////




    dig deeper


    find the root and you will
    know the branches

    ...Created 2018-03-22 18:07:37

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////



    i just want to die

    in the end it’s that simple.

    maybe more accurately is
    “i dont want to be alive”

    i dont want to be anything at all.

    ive come to a few realizations lately.
    some bigger, some minor,

    mostly about how miscommunication plays
    a large part in my life and that also

    i should be dead by now
    and im disappointed that im not.


    i want to be seen.
    i want to be heard.

    what does it take
    to be asked questions?

    to be asked about myself,
    curious questions about anything

    i lock up anyway, sharing is vulnerability

    ask me anything and i change the topic i am

    a word chameleon.

    hiding behind descriptions of other people
    other things

    which is hilarious
    given how much ive been blundering lately

    saying so many things very unlike myself but
    im not sure if anyone has noticed.
    im not sure i noticed until i looked back on it all.

    plainly, im unhappy with myself.


    im trying to grow and change.
    if i am being dragged, relentlessly against my will
    into the future
    into life

    i need to change. or die. either one works.

    ...Created 2018-03-15 22:14:49

    dotsJournal: ////:dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////

    you let me plant my roots
    in your fertile skin

    you let me in
    you let me in


    i am a tied kite
    a whale
    for life

    and you know?
    this time feels different.

    this time, everything feels right.
    i am sure. my heart is not walking.


    this time i know,
    this time


    hahaha
    i was interrupted by happy regulars.

    okay,
    i can do this.
    this time, i am ready

    ...Created 2018-02-12 10:30:22

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////




    sneaky like a siren i do not
    notice it until it is blaringly

    clear
    undoubtedly certain in the rearview

    that just the idea of you
    is so toxic it

    spoils my ground water
    burns my crops it is the preemptive strangle
    of your hands around your childs throat
    before a worse fate inevitably befalls her

    i will not be that woman
    who mangles
    and i will not
    be that daughter

    not anymore, not any longer
    i will fiercely
    protect myself, my mood,
    i will
    do what it takes to survive that harsh night

    i will be here for the dawn

    i will be illuminated by its glow

    ...Created 2018-01-30 23:50:57

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////



    i keep making jokes about
    ending my life and
    watch closely for the reactions

    sometimes a pause.
    usually they just carry on.

    am i stuck planted in time
    watching people go on without me
    or am i rushing past them
    like trees outside of a car window?


    it’s nice. wanting a future.
    having something to work towards.
    it’s scary and new. most days i feel im failing.
    who knows.

    the adrenaline heaving in my chest
    tells me to drop everything and run

    to be weak and flee

    down the street, into the cold creek

    to be the old me
    weak
    shallow
    grasping
    needy

    needy needy needy
    thats what its called when you
    ask for things

    what are you supposed to do when someone
    hands you something
    purely out of kindness?

    i couldnt wipe the smile from my face
    it made me feel guilty, shameful

    greedy greedy greedy

    am i bad or am i good
    i dont understand how im meant to behave
    when its just me myself dictating it now

    i never understood
    never grasped
    what is the right amount of appreciation?

    is it on my knees?
    is it smiling through distress
    what is it
    how genuine is it and for how long

    what do i do?
    i’m lost.

    im lost in this sloshy froth of
    belonging in safe happiness and
    crushing confusing depression that
    scolds me with long taunting fingers of,

    you do not deserve this!
    you did not earn this!

    i deserve rest, a quiet grave.
    i deserve death.

    not much more.

    ...Created 2018-01-28 18:30:17

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: /////



    all i got for christmas was acceptance and generosity

    ...Created 2017-12-26 11:28:39

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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