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    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    all i want for christmas is a fucking lobotomy

    ...Created 2017-12-22 22:36:42

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    tired of

    tired of
    being alive

    i get so frustrated with myself.
    why arent i healed? moved on?
    have i not licked my wounds enough?

    when i explain myself or situations
    i feel as though i come off as fake.
    as if it is too well planned out,
    too accurate, too self aware.

    it is all of those latter things.

    i was so alone.
    all i had was time.

    time to reflect


    comb my memories and

    what do i know?
    yo no se nada.

    you go a little stir crazy
    stirring stir-fry
    for a baby Ry
    alone alone alone

    with dripping hydrocodone
    napping on the couch.

    i mean, to not remember my birthday?
    at all.
    or the things that i like?

    i had already buried all of this.
    hand to phogoth, this was a hatchet
    buried deeper than my regrets.

    punished for
    not agreeing, not enabling just
    a slammed door and
    see you -next tuesday? tonight?

    what a delight to
    fear the door lock snap open.

    i mean really, i dont think about it
    until I think about it
    but if you ask me?

    i am super upset over
    starting to cry
    in his arms last night

    how could you?
    how could you make me doubt love itself?
    how could you make me feel selfish
    for asking for something offered?

    I have to grow. I will. I wont be stopped.

    I am not selfish or bad for wanting things.

    I hope by this time next year,
    i actually believe that.

    I am loved. I will not be haunted.

    ...Created 2017-12-22 00:01:24

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    ive never felt
    more at peace

    than right now
    laying beside you
    in my bed

    ...Created 2017-11-30 11:53:39

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    i dont think ive ever
    been this happy before.

    genuine. pure. trusting. ... vulnerable.

    so vulnerable.

    ...Created 2017-11-16 20:27:48

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    im sorry for always repeating myself
    for not being succint

    anyone would be quick to jump and say,
    “yes, repetition is how they drive a point home”.
    i get it, and im sorry.

    it is soothing for me. i wish it wasnt.
    rubbing my wrists and finding balance,
    i wish i didnt.

    im sorry i am not stable.
    that i cannot offer much.

    i am sorry my laugh is loud,
    my affectionate words overly quiet.

    im sorry i always have to grab for a hand
    for comfort. that i am needy, and not forthcoming.

    i am sorry i am me.
    i am so, so sorry.

    ...Created 2017-11-12 12:32:57

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    admitting my feelings
    is loathsomely mortifying

    no amount of face covering
    can hide me from myself
    because ive tried.

    i glide through
    christmas borealis

    with white knuckles
    and an empty stomach

    for what, love?
    do i know the difference
    even when its staring me down?

    i dont know how to share myself.
    giving opinions. discussing things at length.
    it makes me feel exposed
    like my skin is peeling from
    second degree burns

    im trying

    stuff my palms into my eyes to quell the migraine.
    rub my forehead to wish away the anxiety.

    two more wishes?

    one? an early grave
    two? ...

    ...Created 2017-11-08 00:35:45

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    are you going to
    hold me over your head
    like a trophy?
    would this be enough of a memory?
    would you be satisfied turning and walking?

    im always waiting
    for a fist in a wall

    the other shoe to drop

    after being thrown

    im used to a violent home.

    im used to staring down at the carpet
    with my jaw locked tight
    as im forcibly being pried open

    im used to relentless pursuit
    constant hammering questions
    that rattle off my brow
    that peek over the blanket i cant get up from

    i am used to thinking i am crazy.
    afraid of confrontation
    but only safe in a strong offense

    i never stood a chance

    standing still as different people
    orbit through my life in their seasons

    never getting too close

    “you /never/ say yes to them,” my mother tells me.

    i want to say yes to you.
    it’s just,
    not what i’m used to.

    ...Created 2017-10-18 11:15:50

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    im worried about us

    our potential

    ...Created 2017-02-28 22:01:43

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    i woke up crying
    you held me close and assured me
    that everything was okay

    and all i could hear
    was your heart beating

    i was thankful

    ...Created 2017-02-25 12:45:33

    dotsJournal: /////dots
    Mood: /////

    do i have your attention, boy?
    you're about to see something wonderful

    ...Created 2017-02-23 22:25:06

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Incubus written by monad
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    ME written by jjd
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves




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    January 10 07
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