Mood: The UsualSo I've decided to grant the wishes of the female community of ES and make myself available. I know, I know, you can hold your applause to the end.
As I cannot be with all of you at once (or can I?...no...probably not), I will take submissions and select a winner.
In order to enter this contest you must meet a few simple and verifiable requirements. Please understand this is to keep entries down to the low hundreds.
1. You must be between the ages of 30 and 30 1/2. Unless you're older. Or younger.
2. You must believe in the power of Pan, the mighty goat god.
3. You must be able to recite from memory any song of my choice.
4. No tattoos.
5. Unless they are Karate Kid tattoos.
6. You must be able to answer the following: what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
7. You must show dedication to the environment, human rights, and polygamy.
8. You should have a firm grasp on theoretical physics, advanced skill in making and serving drinks, and an undying love for the Atlanta Falcons.
9. You need to be between 5'4" and 5'5".
10. Questioning me on why I only appreciate women who fall within a one inch height range will lead to immediate disqualification.
11. You must submit a headshot, a resume, and $13.95 for processing.
12. You may not laugh at the size of my...bank account.
13. Appreciation for the arts is beneficial, but appreciation of carts is essential.
14. You must be fluent in Portuguese.
15. The Portuguese may not apply.
16. Any expertise in tax law would be a huge asset.
17. You must be small enough to fit in the backseat of a 1987 Volkswagen Golf, but big enough to carry me home after a night of binge drinking.
18. You must have fetishes for washing and folding my clothes, doing yardwork, and not complaining.
19. You must have a degree of some sort. It doesn't have to be school related.
20. You should enjoy nothing more than me spending time watching sports with my friends.