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    dotsJournal: booldots
    Mood: Stressed

    I think I shall go back to the old me, reading instead of participating with ear phones on and maybe that will get me writing more again, one can hope at least. I understand now why I don't remember my younger years, I replaced the bullshit with books. At least I'm looking forward to a night home with Will Graham and Dr. Lecter for company.

    ...Created 2016-07-25 15:00:50

    dotsJournal: Hopedots
    Mood: Straightening things out...

    Sometimes what is best is not what's easy. I choose to dream, I choose to take risks. Apparently there is a new motto in my life "sometimes all you have is hope." Well here's to hoping that things keep going in this direction (somewhat.) In the last month I walked away from a sure job for the chance to go back to school, still working full time in a job I can go no farther in; I finally braved the interstate and went on a road trip by myself and aside from the panic on the way had fun. Slowly I feel like I'm coming back to me, I started writing again, I finally have a little bit of time to read again, and I can feel the fire again. Maybe things will turn in our favor this time.

    ...Created 2014-09-09 13:48:49

    dotsJournal: booldots
    Mood: The Usual

    Sometimes you just have to stop looking forward and start looking up. Now is the only promise we have this moment we are in right now. Ten years ago I would have laughed at you if you told me I was going no where with my life. I had such big plans, simple but big to me. Then one day you wake up and realize nothing ever works out. EVER. However I am not complaining. I have 2 jobs, one that can turn into something major for my life working with the government. "It's a career job" maybe not the one I wanted, not even close. But at least I'm working with people and I do enjoy it. I've been in a dead end relationship for a little over four years. . . not really the husband and small family I had hoped for by this point but hey everything happens for a reason. I can't support a family by myself so not gonna happen. As for marriage I'm beginning to think that will NEVER happen. He can barley remember to feed the cat with my telling him every morning I would hate to think of leaving an infant in his care for 9 hours a day while I was at work. This is really the only private place from him I have left to rant so I figured I would, not that anyone will read it but hey. I was starting to do ok for a while thanks to the one person I can count on but now I'm not so sure. At least it's harder for people to notice again now. . .

    ...Created 2014-07-10 11:22:33

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Depressed

    Its amazing how a poem I hated so much makes me cry. not because I can now find the happy memories in the words as he can but because it makes me think of all the promises I made to myself the day I left him. And yet I have broken every promise I made that day. And I can't really talk to anyone about it. And yet here I sit in this room listening to him play with his sister crying my eyes out, and when I lay down to sleep he will be next to me. With every touch the memories replay and all I can do is watch and he has no clue of my torment because he can't remember.
    To make it worse the one person I have always confided everything in is slowly slipping away because I never have time anymore. I miss the bond with my brother, I miss being able to explaine everything and I miss him knowing when things were wrong even if we hadnt talked in a year.
    Most of all I want the smile on my face to not be face just one more time.

    ...Created 2011-08-12 00:22:56

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Thinking...

    Its amazing how when you actually sit back and look at it some of what people percieve to be the lowest part of someones life in retrospect can be the best part I am unemployed, right after moving out on my own, running out of what little money i have, just turned 20, all my plans i spent years making and everything i thought my life would be and wanted has gone down in flames. And yet for once im happy more than im not. I have a job to keep me buisy that i get a small proffit from, not enough to live on but its something, and i love doing it and feel at home in my work. I come home to a man who loves me, something i've never been able to really do, the only other person i had like him was hours away and forbidde. I finally know why you should take that risk and let down your guard. I know what a bitch life can be and i've seen more than my fair share of lemons over the years. nd all the worse things was when people were looking at me saying man she has it made. A good job, no bills, a cute boyfriend, but when you have no use for the money no freedom and a hidden life no one knows about because you are to afraid and to full of pride to ask for help the perfect life in others eyes can be a prison. Now that people think its hard only the trivial things are. The things that are easy to come by even if it doesnt seem that way in todays economy. I have good friends and for once I know all of them really are friends and not just finding some way to use me and leave like so many people do. I'm not paking for england, two years from my degree and living the life everyone expected and wanted but does that mean its not right? I'm happy for once.

    ...Created 2010-06-29 22:46:09

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Frustrated

    Ok so i graduated high school 2 years ago, so high school drama should be over right? Wrong. Oh well. what else is new right? Oh well I'm happy other than the drama of resent, thats all that matters right? right! Im not fallin into this shit again, and im not givin in.

    ...Created 2010-05-03 22:11:39

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: fucking pissed and depressed

    You know how there is always that certain someone in your life who just seeing their face, hearing their voice, even seeing written words by them can just set you over the edge? When you're only feet from the edge to begin with that not a freakin good thing. Really hope I make Grease give me some form of outlet other than my old trusty one.

    ...Created 2010-03-29 00:13:57

    dotsJournal: WT FUUUCCCKKK! dots
    Mood: Going insaine

    Why is it that everytime I say, No im gonna make this work, i dont wanna walk away, things go so far south? I've been here i've done this, Im sick of it im sick of being controled or in this case someone attempting to! Why do they only do it once its so far in you dont want to just throw it away. Do they know that is that what triggers it? And why the hell are guys so obsessed with sex that the word no pisses them off to no end? WHY? I'm NOT your fucking whore! Things are never resolved you just never want to finish a discussion, or fight. And why do I sit here driving myself mad for comfort in a voice i havent heard speak my name in a year, listening to his music. And why in the hell would there be another man in my life conected to the one im dating that is so damn simular to the lone i long for its not fuckin funny and yet he's my boyfriends best friend. And now i say audo to go get drunk with my boyfriends best friend.

    ...Created 2010-03-12 22:30:51

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Depressed

    Why is it everytime you think the people that matter most are back in you life they leave again and the people you dont want there constantly are. Katie was finally talking to me and back again and now she wont speak to me because her boyfriend left her. not sure how they conect but she desided she dosent want her friends around anymore. My best friend is now saying good bye for reasons I understand but it still sucks, just when I was getting used to having someone to talk to again and having the person I care most for back in my life. My boyfriend is flipping shit over having to grow up and get a job and hasnt been himself. and my ex is back at old games. he says he'll go away but ive heard that time and time again. seeing as he readded me to messenger I doubt that but my dad didnt know what the message ment so yeh. idk. i dont even know why i wrote this.

    ...Created 2010-02-07 23:37:43

    dotsJournal: A year in life dots
    Mood: Thinking...

    Wow I never thought I'd look back over this past year and go "wow how did I get this far?" I found one of my poetry books from my senior year of high school in my car the other day and was going through it and finally actually sat down and thought about how my life was and how its changed now. After Tyler opened my eyes to what I was missing in life and got me involved in theatre and around people I actualy half way fit in with things just started falling into place like this was where I was suposed to be all along. My new Boyfriend ( who is amazing) has actually helped me to get past alot of the things from my past relationships that kept coming back on me and got me going out to do things other than work and the theatre. Me and my mom actually get along and the people I needed to let go of and get away from in my life are fading more and more to the background of the world. Now if I could just get Ry around every now and then things would be perfect lol. I mean yeh theres still problems with life but theres always gonna be but there is finally more good then bad and Im not going headfirst blind and alone into things. I have a plan, I found where Im suposed to be and an amazing "family" ( blood and chosen) to share the journey with and I can see it for once. This has defenantly been the best year. It started out like shit but its ending grate. Ok so now that ive poored everything I been thinkin out here I think I'll head twords the Theatre lol. Hope everyones ding well.
    <div style='padding:3px; border:1px solid #FF6600; border-bottom:0px; width:310px'><object width='310' height='259'><param name='movie' value=''></param><param name='wmode' value='transparent'></param><embed src='' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' wmode='transparent' width='310' height='259'></embed></object></div><object width='300' height='180'><embed src='' width='318' height='181' type='application/x-shockwave-flash'/></embed></object><br><a href='' target='_blank'>Lyrics</a> | <a href='' target='_blank'>Rent lyrics</a> - <a href='' target='_blank'>Seasons Of Love lyrics</a>

    ...Created 2009-11-02 13:38:00

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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