Journal: Message -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Mom, Last time we talked, you said our family wasn't far from normal. Now, I've not yell at you, blamed you, or anything for all of this utter trashy SHIT that is going on. But when you said that, it was the end of my shrade! Look here, a normal family is not anywhere NEAR us. A normal mom doesn't run off and leave her eldest daughter to step into her shoes. A normal family spends the weekends together, talking, playing OUTDOOR games, maybe cards, having people over, and being a FAMILY! Not on computers in different rooms playing different games for a whole day. normal moms are there to whipe the tears of theri youngest daughter when she's had a bad day, or a nightmare, or got hurt, or doesn't understand something and gets frustrated. A Normal mom doesn't leave her family because she has issues with her husband. A NORMAL mom doesn't have her eldest daughter taking care of her youngest daughter, sending her to school EVERY morning, kissing her bo-boo's, talling her it'll be okay, comforting her when she cries because her moms not around, taking care of her medician. YOU ARE NOT A NORMAL MOM. And it's not your fault. Dad's in this crap as well. He's not a normal dad. normal dad's look after their kids and play games with them and love theri wife in teh RIGHT way. I know for a fact that he has his head shoved so far up his ass that he can only smell his own shit, and he won't admite to it. He is self centered and doesn't realize it, but he loves you. He spends too much time on the couch and the computer in my opinion. He needs to get out of the house, WE need to be together as a family and do thing's with other families. and if that's not what you want, or you really can't be with dad. THEN GET DIVORCED AND STOP PUTTING ME AND CATHRIEN THROUGH THIS SHITTY,CRAPPY, REDICULOUS, HURTFUL, IGNORNAT, SCARRING, PAINFUL CHILD HOOD AND MAKE IT BETTER!!!!!!You and him are ADULTS, it is YOUR JOB to make our lifes right, we can't do that ourselves. WE NEED YOU AND YOU ARE NOT THERE FOR US! Now, I'm sick of it, I'm stressed and over workled, i can't stay awake in my classes cause I'm so busy TRYING TO FILL YOUR SHOES! So either divorce dad and come back, share me and cathrine with each other, OR COME BACK AND DEAL WITH THIS SHIT LIKE AN ADULT! Our family is messed up, torn apart, and disfunctional. Cathrine HATES ME because she thinks I'm trying to replce you and because I'm being a mom to her, she wants you here not me! I know you HATE Connie as well, because she's my mom in my head not you. You have to realize IT'S NOT HER FAULT. And it's not your's or dad's or anyones! It was a accident of life that happened, it's time to move on. You were suffering from a mental desease that no one knew about and no one could help you. You got into this too fast, you became a mom too early in life. YOU MADE A MISTAKE and suffered for it, you went froma independant, free willed, on-your-own woman to a stay at hom mom. No wonder you got depressed. the way thing's were handled when i was a child was WRONG, you should not have been blamed, you should not have been called a bad mother, it was not your fault! But that was fifteen years ago! IT'S TIME TO LET IT GO. It's time to burry the wrong andf try to make things right with dad's side of the family. The issue with Connie, honestly. You are blind . . . If you think that i don't want you as a mom, YOU ARE STUPID! If I didn't love you, want you there, and need you to be my mom . . i'd have tried to run away to Connies, i'd have thrown fits to be with her, I'd have cried till I got what I wanted. YOU ARE MY MOM AND I LOVE YOU. But you are not acting like my mom right now. Connie is partly my mom, she's who i can remember having GOOd times with, you haven't TRIED to make those memories with me. You didn't have a mom, you don't KNOW how to be one. So here a few pointers for you, just incase you want to come back home and try this thing all over, try to say you're sorry and you want forgiveness. I can promise you it wont be easy. Grandmother, Connie, Me, Dad, Anna, Cathrine, The Congreation . . . You've pulled your self into a pit of missery and shame with what you have done. It's going to take a few YEARs to fix this mess. But if you come back, try your damndest to prove you are better, you'll see that everything will be okay. People are going to be mad, mistrusting, and ill with you. You've hrut all of us. You hurt Anna, she trusted you, she loved you like a sister. She still WANTS to be friends with you. Anna is messed up, she doen't know how to talk to the people she wants to talk to. . . . Connies is infurated with you, you hurt me and cathrine. Grandmothers the same, you hurt me and cathrine. No one is mad at you for hurting dad, well, they are, but it's not that bad. they know he brought this on himself, they know that he's selfish and needs help, thye know he lies and pretends and is basically in his own little world. so trust me, they can forgive you for that. It's what you've doen to me and cathrine that makes them most mad at you, cause you've been hurting me ever since they can remember but like i said it's not your fault. They don't understand that, give them time and they will. ou need to burry the past with them and start fresh. It's time to follow the advice in teh bible - "Forgive your bother not seven times, but seventy-seven times." And we all know that keeping count is a sin too. Anna and Connie and Grandmother and everyone is going to be hard, they wont forgive you instantly, you'll have to earn that back. You will have to be put through hell when you come back, not only from them but from me too. you have my forgivness for running away, but i'm still mad at you for not being my mom. You don't realize it, but you have NEVER been my mom, you've only been in the background of my life. Now wither I've just missed you, or you've been trying in teh wrong ways to be there, it's tiem to change things. You don't even know me mom, and i don't know you. So it's time to be friends. I love black, because to me it's all teh colors of the rainbow. It's deep and shallow at the same time, it keeps people away from me and protects me from alot of mean people. and it's just a color. I'm a TEENAGER, I'm going to throw fits and do stupid things and say things i don't mean to EVERYONE. I'm going to have mood swings and I'm going to be bad. But I'll get better in time. I'm inlove with rock music, 'cause the drums are awesome! And some of the voices of people are great, I also love Bethoveen and Roy Robinsion. I love a very wide rang of music. I want to be a math teacher when I gorw up, not to teach math, but to teach students. I write poetry to vent my emotions, it's all stuff that's dark and depressing, but that's cause it reflects my life. I am STRAIGHT! I AM NOT BI OR A LESBIAN!!!!!! I think Ben is cute and sweet, I think Jeff is dorky and kinda cute, I think Gabe is cute and hard core and a bit scarry. . . I think alot of guys are cute! (Not many are hot, only Orlando Bloom . . ) i have two BEST FRIENDS, GiGi, and Kaela. Kaela is a bit annoying but she's still a good friend. GiGi needs me to be there for her cause her parents are but in a off way, her brother are too young and she doesn't trust many. i hate trusting people! 'cause I know i'll get hurt and I forgive way to easily. I get depressed for teh stupidest reasons. I feel like a failure when i try to do something and can't. I hate being TOLD what to do. Yes, i have authority issues. I remember being molested by that little boy when i was little. my cousines ass raped me and i never told you, the ones from teh moutian. When I was younger, i found a porn video in you and dad's closet and it' scarred me forever. I've walked in on you and dad having sex, scarrest thing in my life, i didn't not need that mental image burned in my rentians for life. I am jealous of Cathrine cause she is spoiled and it seems that you love her more at times. I'm mad at dad cause he makes promises he can't keep. I think i'm ugly cuase I feel fat. I wish I could fly, cause I love the sky. I'm a pretty typical teen adn don't have nearly as much talent as everyone thinks. I enjoy socialology classes cause I can grasp them with ease and already know half the junk in the books. I have mild S.A.D (social Anixiety disorder) , it causes me to be paronied and to hate crowds. I hate it when I catch guys starring at my boobs, cause I'm a person, not a nice rack. I know alot more about sex then i want to know thanks ot HighSchool. I've never NEVER HAD SEX OR GIVEN A BJ. That thing with Jeff, I would have never had sex with him. I have a fear of penises and sex, and I don't know why but i'm glad for it. I love the kingdom hall, i love the meetings but I fail at being a witness, i want to be one so badly. But I feel like i'm in a corner and being poked with a stick to get baptized or go in service or be a unbaptized publisher. EVERYONE EECTS WAY TOO MUCH OUT OF ME. I listen to music so i can destress. I flirt so i can ignore my life as it is. I want to cry way too often, my eyes sting and I can feel the heat but the tears never come. I really wish you and Connie were closer! Cause it'd be a dream for me to spend a day with you both having fun. i like Coffee wether or not you like it, I always will. I love Herbal teas too. I'm into poet shirts and 18th centery styled vests and pocket watches and Edgar Allan Poe stories and poems. I try so hard ot be different from others around me, cause i know I look plain so i want to be special in some way besides the tradgi that is my life. I hate ShakeSphere! I think he was a dunce!!! I will NEVER do drugs. I almost went belimic last month, but my gag reflex sucks >_> I want to be thinner, atlest a one digite size of clothing. I like mythical stories, cause it's different from real life. I have read the twilight series. I felt guilty afterward cause I knew i shouldn't. I don't like beth as a therpiest! Person yes, therpist, no. I think my drawings suck most of the time, it never comes out like what i have in my head. I know i will be married when i'm older, I could never be alone. the reason I flirt with guys and want to date guys that aren't in the truth is because i know no guy IN the truth would EVER want to date me. So, maybe i'm wrong, but good guy are out of my league. I get peeveed at kids my age that think theri life sucks, they think they have it so bad. i'd like to see them live my life for a day! I know people have it worse, but for those tyat don't, they need to suck it up and get over it. I hate pitty fests that people try to throw for me. I love the taste of cinnamon. No, I'm not orginized, nor will Iever be orginized. I've hidden alot from you and dad. I've never been Bi or a Lezbian. but i did date Ben for a week, he want gay after dating me ;_; Hug sefl-confidance bost there . . . . I dadted Jeff untill you made him break up with me, we're still friends. i dated Patrick, bad mistake, were are better as friends. I dated a guy named Eli, never even said one word to the guy. Was too shy and couldn't stop blushing. I have very contradial views on teh world and beliefes about Humanity. I like logical arguments that have actual meaning behind them. I like knee high socks cause it keeps my legs warm. I love hugs, cause they remind me taht I'm not alone. I have a friend named David and he's goign to move away soon and i'm going to miss him alot, cause he was a good friend and the only person to be nice to me in a long time. I love jokes that are stupid and pointless, I don't follow the political stuff AT ALL. I would make a great lawer, or so i'm told. I missed my bus this morning so i'm going to clean the house . . . I hate living in Nc, and love it at the same time. I want to move around more, I want to go places. I want to see the east coast with my own eyes, i want to go to Texa's and laugh at something, i want to see Scotland cause it intrests me, i want to go to Ireland to hear a irish accent in person. I want to go to France and see if it really stinks as badly as they say it does, I want to go horse ridding in teh moutians. I love horses, but i try to be different about it. I can't help it, they effects of a horse never get's old on me. Even afdter a year of lessons i still got a thrill from being near a horse. I love old jewelry. I want to knwo about you and dad's past, and no lies or covering things up or antyhing. I hate it wehn people get onto me about somethign when i already feel bad. I cut before, and you want to know why. Because i felt that you and dad didn't punish me enough, or not all all and i knew I earned the pain. And the pain made me feel better, it got rid of the guilt and everything was Okay afterward. I commited Suicide because I felt like things weren't right. i had no hope of teh new system, I wasn't allowed out of the house, I wasn't accepted by anyone, I was alone. Life wasn't worht living that way. When you're here, you keep me in the house WAY too much. If you don't want me to be alone, then go somewhere with me. Take me to the local icecream shop, or to teh local tatoo artist, i love seeing theri desings. Go walking with me. Get your old bike out and take a bike ride with me, but you can't keep me all to your self mom, if you do that i won't want to be around you at all. You have to share me, i know you've shared me your whole life, but I can't be with just one person all the time. And school doesn't count! I know you and dad think I don't do squat at school, but that's not true. I walk across a huge campus, worry about you two and cathrine, I worry about friends, I plan for my afternoons, i try to pay attention in class. I'm busy attempting to think of something to contrubite to teh conversation, my minds going faster than light. . . I'm pulled apart from the inside. When i come home, i just want to lay down and go to sleep. and i'm cranky most of the time, you would be too. I deal with Kaela's constant boy frama, GiGi's friend drama, Courtneys Drama in genral, Codies Drama with raven and the girls he likes. Davids family Drama, Jeff's Drama, Holly's Drama, Felisia's Drama, Becca's Drama,Pada's Drama, Johs 1's Drama, Josh 2's drama, and a few other people. Do you know, everyone on campus pratically know my name, but doesn't know a thing about me. And people assume because i spend my whole day listening to others that I'm a happy, good-to-go, well rounded, smart girl? There wrong. I have a few problems of my own, and no one to tell them too. Dad keeps me away from Connie cause YOU hate her, he needs ot stop cause it's effecting my view of you. When YOU stop me from seeing my family, you cause me to resent you. If someone says something about you , i'll ask you about it and you can defend your self. But everything is fdrom a onesided view, just like history. it's all written by the winners, not the losers. You don't want me to ware black, mom. You have to understand. BLACK is my favroite color, it's comforting to me. I don't care if it's 'Gothic' or 'Emo' or whatever you want to call it. It's what i like. You keep saying you love me, but you must not understand love taht well. Love is self-scraficing your own happiness for someone else. Mom, i love you. I've given alot to show taht to you. I've stuck with you when all i wanted to do was go back to Connies, I've forgave you after you've left me in a mess and left me to deal with it. If you don't think I love you, then the fact that I can hate you for being such a total, selfish, Jack-ass and leaving me and my sister and my father in ruins then coming back, with false hope for us, leaving again in the same manner, and coming back to once again set us up to knock us down then your about as smart as a turnip. When you come home, I'm still going to be mad at you, i'm still going to hate you, i'm still going to be hurt by what you've done. I will NEVER forget this even in my life. But I will move past it, and when I do. i really want you to understand what being my mom means. Being MY MOM mean that you will forgive me for teh stupid selfish things I do all teh time, being my mom means that you will hold back your wrath when I say something taht insults you, being my mom means you'll understand that I am fifteen and not nine so i CAN GO PLACES WITHOUT YOU OR CATHRINE, being my mom means your understand when i come home and look down, being my mom means you'll talk to me about awkward subjects and stupid silly things, being my mom means you'll be there when i need you most. Being my mom means that you'll give me advice on my make-upo and hair and beauty tips and possibly play pranks on me. Being my mom means we can sit in teh same room together without it being stressfulk or awkward. Being my mom means you'll understand what does and does not upset me. Being MY MOM MEANS YOU WILL BE MY FRIEND AND MY GAURDIAN. being my mom measn you'll teach me the things I need to know to survive. . . . And most of all, being my mom, means your my mom. Not the woman who coems and goes in the middle fo the night and takes advantage fo my helpless, spineless dad. That's what being my mom means. If you can't fill the shoes, then leave the job to someone who can. You do not take resposbility for things, you may think you do but you don't. it's time that you stop being a hurt helpless child and realize, the past is over with. You can grow from that. it's time you forgive and forget everyone and everything taht hasever hurt you. I have issues, but you are MAKING ISSUES FOR CATHRINE! I know, i'm not the best sister in teh world, i yell at her, I call her anems, and i'm ean alot of the time. but i love her as if she was my shild, I love her like she's me. When things hurt her they hurt me too, I don't show how much i love her cause I don't know who to, without being her mother. And you're not showing her the love she needs, and it kills me. I know how dad is, i know that he is so selfish. He argues about stupid things, and he needs to grow up too. you both need to grow up and fast, cause Cathrine is still young enough that she will love you and dad not matter what, she's still in teh age where she depends on you and him. and because of how immature and stupid you two are being, you're missing out on her. You both are missing out on a daughter who needs you, loves you, and wants you both. Because of this same type of crap, you both already missed me. I can't go back, I can't change thing, and neither can you, so there's no use in blaming someone for it. Honestly, even as crappy as this all is, I wouldn't change a thing about my life. If you love me, you'll love me for the black waring, dark poetry writing, somewhat stupid, silly, helpless girl i am, not for the girl you wish i had thurned out to be. -Constance A. Hensley This is this message I sent my mom a few days ago. I got no replies . . . And I feel bad for sending it now. Even though every word of it was true, I still feel bad. . . . . ...Created 2009-11-21 16:40:26

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Sleepy I didn't go to school today, I'm having weird chest pains. I don't know what's wrong with me though. I got so dizzy this morning. I've barely done anything. Can't even breath . . . Damn it. ...Created 2009-11-18 16:48:58

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual >_> No comments on my newest poem, okay . . One comment >_> I'm feeling down about that, are my words too big? ...Created 2009-11-12 19:54:14

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual I had to change my journal . . . It was too much scrolling to get to my PM box ...Created 2009-11-11 10:16:00

Journal: Worry Much? -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Gah. I'm turning into a bitch. I wake up and I can't find it in me to be nice to anyone anymore, I just, lost my kindness. All those years of saying people had it worse than man. All that time I've spent trying to look forward and say that I'll be out of this mess that my parents make me live in, it's all useless now. I can't find it in me to stay here any longer, I don't talk to Jeff like I used to, I'm always feeling utterly alone now. . . . My dad's turned into a shell of a human being, only up to get food, go to work, come back, maybe clean a little bit ( Now that I've spent the past two weeks bitching at him about how lazy he was) and go back to bed. My poetry is at a stand still, my life is slowly sinking, and everything I've had to keep me in my dad's house, to keep me in Liberty, to keep me at RECHS . . . The luster and love for it all is fading out into a gray empty hollowness that's not enough to make me stay. Now, now that I finally feel that way I can't move back in with my Aunt. I want to go home so badly. I want to go back to her house, I want to spend my days doing house work and playing outside again. Her house, it was so much better for me. I wasn't ever depressed, I rarely felt pain of any form, I was kept safely. The people I loved were always around me. I was allowed to live and breath with out the constant worry that I was doing something wrong. I have acer's of land to explore and five large dogs to help me in the exploring. I had my own library. I may not have had my own room but sharing isn't so bad when it's with your Aunt's computer. I miss my library, it has a few books I actually finished writing, as well as thousands of poetry books I use to read, it held so many wonderful, old, large, beautifully bound books in it. There was a fire place for the winter with a painting of two horses running wild and free. One was black and my Aunt deemed it her's, mine was the white one. Right beside the fire place was a rock painted like a lady-bug and a mini-rocking chair for a small child. I used it when I was smaller. I had my own porch, or at least access to one that no one else used, it had a swing on it and a few ferns, the rose garden was planted in front of it. There was a lake to canoe on, and a river to swim in (as long as you watched out for turtles.) I would wake up every morning and come in the kitchen to find a cup of coffee waiting for me and a nice breakfast. Or, at times, I'd be the one to wake up and make breakfast for my Aunt and Uncle. . . . Gah, I miss my home there so much. I'm also home sick for my house in Puerto Rico. Yeah, it wasn't as big or nearly as nice, I mean we took showers from a bucket with a ladle. But it was home for me. There was horses at the beach, and we'd walk down to the beach so often. The clearest waters I've ever seen in my life there, the sane was a mix of black and white at times or just black. Some spots were just white too. The Bioluminescent bay was so much fun, plus I had friend there too, thy lived down the street from me. It's where I got my first dog from, his name was Buddy. There was coconut trees in the yard that was more of a slope, actually I could walk over the entire island alone with no worries cause it was safe. . . . I'm so home sick . . . I'm also missing Jeffrey. I miss talking to him, holding his hand every day. Hell, I even miss it when he'd call me and say something so stupid that I had to laugh. I can't stand how little time we have together. And every time we are together it makes me so happy, and that's what's hurting me the most. 'Cause every time I have to be separated from him it's back to every day life and that just sucks. I want to see him more, I really, really wish that I could either call him or that I could move closer to him . . . . I feel like we haven't really 'talked' to each other in forever. I don't know, it's just that every time we're near each other all we do is play around and make out. It's upsetting to me, I want to have more conversation with words and less with our bodies. I've been so mad at every girl that's gotten near him lately, even my Cricket ( GiGi) . . . . Gah, I really need a Advil and a good nap . . . . ...Created 2009-11-07 13:18:30

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: AngryMadDepressed I'm sad, mad, and depressed. And I have no clue why! I can't stop crying or cutting or anything. I don't do a damn thing right! And I know that this is stupid, so don't fucking tell me!!!!And yes, this is a side of me that I don't shw, so back off! ...Created 2009-11-05 18:41:36

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual I have the FLU!!!!!! ...Created 2009-11-05 16:28:19

Journal: Spring Semester -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Gah! I'm siging up for spring semester adn it's soooo hard! I wanted into a EDU class, a artsie EDU class. Then that failed (Wasn't a college transfeer) after that one I want to a SOC's class, The physology of Sociology, that one ran over my time limite of lunch! So now I'm trying at another soc class, introduction to Scology . . . . . I need it acidimicly but I'm pretty sure I got it covered in my Social diveristies class >:| So, BAM! Now I really want to see if there's anyway that I can still get into my second one . . . . . ...Created 2009-11-04 10:43:22

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual "Life's starting to suck again. . " I thought those words only moments ago. I thought about how bad things are here at my house and how much they suck and then I thought of the good thing's like friends and Jeff; then, as if I was struck by lightening, all my hairs stood on end. I felt like someone or something had grabbed my heart and started to twist it and make me see my past. I was a little girl again, sitting in a bath tub crying because my mother didn't love me. And then I was really crying, because then I could see my aunt hugging me and washing my cuts and bruises and all my bo-boo's gently and saying "Life suck's hunny, but there will always be someone to love you. Always, cause I'm here and I love you. I wish you were my daughter . . . " she;d kiss me on the forehead and then get me dressed for bed. I'd go to sleep with some comfort because SOMEONE loved me. Now, when I'm in my room thinking about my family, I realize, I have two families, then one I was born to that forsakes me, and the one I was forged into. And I want more than anything to think that one day I'll be able to have a family that I can love with all my heart. I want to be with my aunt again, holding her arm and helping her around the house and singing (Badly and loudly.) to some old elves song we know. I want to be walking down the hall way's in her house and sitting in my old library and cooking cakes with smiles not grimaces. I want what I had, I'm to the point that I'd give everything I have to go back. the only exception being Jeff. He really is the ONY thing that keeps me here and sane. ...Created 2009-10-31 10:45:42

Journal: BAWHAHAHA!!!! -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual This was written while I was drinking milk, watching 'Sex and the City', and waring black nail polish. It started out as something emo, then went deeper and deeper till I finally wretched out my heart and soul and spilled the contents fourth on my paper in Orange ink. Love is something I'm not even sure my words have grasped, I find my self at a loss of description for the most powerful feeling known to man it's self. So, I attempted to bring fourth the lack of human ability to describe it in this. | Yes, tha black nail polish was important to that . . . Simply because it helped me to feel better because I LOVE the contrast between my nails and the cup of milk >_> DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!! Emotional Cutter, what is love? ------------------------------------------- I don't need a blade, to cut myself vein deep. I don't require blood, to bleed to death. I'm a Emotional Cutter, I need only my mind to break the skin. Just because you can not perceive the wounds and scars, doesn't mean that they are not there. People can bleed more than just red blood, red, yellow, white, blue Ink is the same as the flowing beneath your skin. Forgetting our pain, misery and lust that ruins us, every Emotion that leaves us asking 'What is love?' A word pointed like a knife, with meanings as sharp as Razor blades. Love, a word that cuts without pain. A simple word, with passion greater than hate. Love without logic, without the intrusion of fate or lust. Love a pure passion, greater than trust. Who can grasp the woes hat will mean nothing, when threaded with the thread that is love. A ever forgiving tale , with thousands of rises and falls of hope and Humanity. Every love telling the story that is portrayed by people of the past and the future, of every person to breath and live. For, every person shall and always has grasped, understood, endowed, owned, forgotten, discovered, and forged love with another. And shall it always be so, that love is ever lasting. ...Created 2009-10-28 13:54:47

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