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    dotsJournal: By Goerge!dots
    Mood: Guess what!?

    HAHA! I've got it! We've figured it out! Me and my friend have been serching for the answer to the question, why bother fixing things? And we've finally realized (well really I think we always knew, but we were talking about and I don't feel well, so I'm gonna write it down) that THERE IS NO POINT! Think about it, you fix some kid up after he say, gets in a bad car accident, and then a few months later, or even a few years later, he gets in another one and he's back at your hospital and he dies on the operating table. What was the point? I don't see it, and besides, we're all goning to die someday right? So what's the point of saving our worthless lives? I should post this as a post and see what people say, nah, thjey might try to ruin it for me. But yeah, thats all I have to say. *sigh*
    When you read this I'll still be waiting for the end of the world, though it never seems to actually get here, but go ahead, live like you were dieing after all, we all are, each day we get closing to the end. So quite your job and spend all your cash, you only have a few years left anyway....

    ...Created 2005-04-21 16:43:34

    dotsJournal: loldots
    Mood: At War

    HAHAHA!!!! I think its so funny!!! oh.... but there is this little rat looking at what I write here, so I can't go on into that... Anyway, I'll go on into other stuff..... Did you know that there are like a million Sarahs in this world? In the United Sated? Okay, so I'm exagerating a little.... still... I know AT LEAST 3. Moving on, one of my friend's lives is turning into one thats almost as screwed up as mine, and the other one is as screwed up as mine, only in a slightly different way, in fact, my second friend might have it worse! Oh well, life sucks doesn't it? I just wish I could help them... Really... I do. Oh, and now I'm about to have a pile of crap dumped on me, and I might not be writing here again, so, love you all, yes, even you Varvara, bye.

    ...Created 2005-02-24 20:05:44

    dotsJournal: vvvvvvvvvvvvdots
    Mood: Bored

    I went to Sarah's, and I'm happy. BUt my head hurts REALLY bad, and I gorged myself yesterday, so my stomache still hurts, and I have no idea why I'm typing so fast, because I'm not in a rush. Hell, I don't even know why I'm typing in my journal at all!!!! Ah well, loves, byes.

    ...Created 2005-02-20 10:18:15

    dotsJournal: *sniff*dots
    Mood: The Usual

    I find myself almost completly alone again. Why does everyone leave me?!?!?!?! Oh well. Such is life I guess. People come and People go. *sigh* I still don't like it. I really like these two people two, but now they're getting so wraped up in each other they just don't have time for me anymore, oh well, at least they're happy. That's all I REALLY care about.

    ...Created 2005-02-15 16:40:21

    dotsJournal: gihdots
    Mood: Sleepy

    I'm sleepy, I don't feel good, and still I'm going, why is that? But I know why, it's cause I havn't talked to my best friend all weekend and Monday, so I really want to see her, so I have to go. *sigh* I'm not going if I throw up. I do have a line you know!

    ...Created 2005-02-08 05:25:14

    dotsJournal: Come ondots
    Mood: Frustrated

    You know, I've been sictting here sick the whole day, and it seems that two of my best friends in the whole world have become to wraped up in thier love life together to talk to poor little old me. I'm not all that surprised though, they probebly didn't even notice my missing! Okay, now that I've gotten that out I must say I don't blame them all that much, I'm just being down right selfish. One is moving to a new house and I bet her boyfriend is just over there helping. I guess I'm just cranky when I have a headache. Ah well, I suppose one will be on sooner or later. But then, why the hell am I writing this? No one will bother to read it! *sigh* Okay, I'm done.

    ...Created 2005-02-07 16:22:08

    dotsJournal: GRRR!!!!!!dots
    Mood: Frustrated

    Why is it that I'm always told they love me, but nothing ever happens? I work and they sit back until finaly I ask them to do something, and they leave?!?!?! But when I'm with them I'm so happy.... It drives me mad. *crys* Ah well, gotta take the bad with the good right?

    ...Created 2005-02-06 19:30:34

    dotsJournal: To Knowdots
    Mood: Straightening things out...

    I am so unhappy... I wrote something that I want you to read. I have to type it here. PLease write me back in reply, I want to be able to have the typed version.

    This is the only time I have ever stood up for myself. I fought fo rit, I havn't fought for anything in a long time. I usualy dont question my parents decissions, they say no and I get angery, but not like this, no, I'm not mad. I'm sad, not even sad, there must be a deeper word than that. I dont like to say depressed, bacause that word has come to mean to me that on is very sad, but for no reason. This is for a reason.

    That Lady, health adminiatrator, I dont have the stregth to think of her name. She calls me to her to tell me that she wants to talk to my parents. She askes if I'm just trying to get out of the work. How dare she, for one. I work hard, I'm not the best student, and I know I'm not good enough for my parents, but I work hard. Anyway, what the hell am I suppost to tell her? Am I suppost to tell her about last year? No. I wont tell anyone knew. Especialy not her.

    Most 'grown ups' dont understand, they would ask me why I didn't do anything. What was I suppost to do? I loved him, I could never do something to hurt him, not even after what he did to me.

    A few weeks ago my mother complained that she hadn't been able to talk to her mother when she was a teen ager. I laugher inside. She has no right to complain.

    Its just not fair, you know. Just when the flesh was starting to gorw back on my mucles they go and rip it off again. I can hear him whispering to me, "Cry, it's okay, cry, CRY!" and I did then, I do now. I cried and he was the only one there, he wasnt there for me though, I dont know what he got from my tears, my whimpering, my pain, but it must have been something.

    I expected them to say, "Oh, well, to bad, your gonna take it anyway." And I expected to get mad, defient, but I didn't. I expected it to hurt, but not this bad. I can see him biting his lip and moving up on me all over again and I shiver, but it can't be of cold. With 3 pairs of pants, 3 shirts and a hoody I dont think I can be cold, not on the outside anyway.

    I feel like stripping off my clothing and going out on my roof to lay in the snow, I want to feel my body go numb and take heart in knowing that this cold was all I was meant for, just this was I die, I'm freed from this torcher, set free.

    Its not fair. I gave my heart to him, I gave him my soul, and he looked at them and started picking out all of my inperfections. Picking me apart, taking layer after layer off of me and calling each piece of me garbage, until there was nothing left of me. And then the bastard gave me hope, he lifted me up higher than ever before, and dropped me, let me crumble into a heap at his feet.

    I might commit suicide, not that it would really be suicide, he already murdered me. But I think of the rest of the world. I see a city, this city, Syracuse and I see that when I'm gone it'll keep on running like nothing has happened. Its depressing at first, but then I realize that its better off like that. I'm glad my death wont make the world stop going.

    Then I think of all my friends. I can see them crying. I hate hurting people, but we have to be selfish sometimes, right? Besides, maybe someday they'll realize that all I really did was set myself free.

    He would say I'm over reacting. Its just a stupid class". I can hear him saying that. Just a stupid class, go and do the works, you'll be fine. Just a stupid class that reminds me of him, what he did to me. I dont want to remember anymore. I want him to go away, but he's always here, waiting for a chance to remind me. He'll always be here.

    The woman that teaches it said at the beggining that we had a choice. That if we didn't want to take it we wouldn't be made to. Bull Shit. I fought so hard! I tried so hard and was dropped, just like he dropped me, into a heap at thier feet. I suppose that its becouse I tried. Nothing ever turns out right when I try. I think I might go to the introduction, just so I can satnd up at that part and say, "you cant say that. Its a lie. I tried, and I failed. We dont have a choice. We never have a choice."

    Somehow I dont think she'd care. Most teachers dont anymore. Ms. Pell cared. Mr. Le-Clair cared. Mr. Perime cared. Ms. Schnider cared. Thats all I can think of, maybe Ms. Deluca and my kindergarden teachers, but thats all. In 12 years thats all I can come up with.

    I will show this to people. Ithink I'll show Mr. Le-Clair, cause he cares, at least I think he does. But what do I know? I thought he cared too.

    I dont care if the people I show this to don't beleive me, dont take me seriously. No one ever take me seriously, I'm used to that. I'll just let them see it, so that if I do go to sit in that bitter cold outside, or just reseed into the cold depths of myself, when they hear about it, when I don't show up anymore I want this, what I have writen here to haunt them. I want them to know before I go so that they realize that just becouse I'm 15 doesn't mean that I'm nieve to the world. I want them to know so that maybe next time something like this is brought to them they dont let it slip away into the back of thier mind, let it go as just another teen age faze. I want them to know.

    ...Created 2005-01-24 17:12:03

    dotsJournal: YAY!!!!!!dots
    Mood: Guess what!?

    I am changed!!!! I am SSSOOOOOO happy!!!! I wont be this way for long, but I am sooo happy!!!!! *jumps up and down*

    ...Created 2005-01-23 21:02:15

    dotsJournal: Betterdots
    Mood: Thinking...

    I guess things worked out better this way. I mean, none of us hate each other, like last time. I'm still dieing inside, but the others are happy, thats all that matters. Things could have gone so much worse, after all. I'm happy for what I have, thats how I should be, but I can't help but wonder.... No, no wondering. There is no room for wondering. What we have is what we have, and 'wondering' will never change that. So this is what I have, a broken heart and two friends that love me. I can live with that. Thats all I need, because thats all I have.

    ...Created 2005-01-23 14:53:34

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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