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    dotsJournal: Hi. dots
    Mood: The Usual

    I'm gonna get fit again.

    Cause I feel big and useless.

    So here I go.

    ...Created 2015-07-19 17:33:20

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    Here's a thought: where do tears go when you blink them away?

    ...Created 2014-04-07 01:50:50

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    If you haven't heard it,
    Going Through Changes by Eminem.

    ...Created 2014-02-18 00:43:51

    dotsJournal: Chaaaangedots
    Mood: The Usual

    Changes, change is, past present future. making a list of every last stone to cast away before I sink my boat today. There's a literal link between the pivitol things that happen in life. Like the moment in your past that changed you from a boy to a man, or a fantasy to reality. I've been meaning to make a change in my life, but it seems like my life keeps changing the same. That is the changes in my past have already changed me, but presently I keep complaining about the unchanging ahead of me. What's in store for the future? It's gonna be different next month, better then it was last month and this month I'm gonna prepare for that change and save up, bills demand to be paid up and in this same month I'm struggling to get a leg up and out of bed with all these constant problems swirling round my head. I keep having this thought that "the changes, they are a comin'" but I can't see changes while I'm crumblin'. The changes in my past, when my mom passed and school crashed and I spent a good period of my life trashed, living in trash, living off the good fortune of others with the fortune enough to give, and while I was struggling with the misfortune of trying to live with an ever taxing manic depression with a story line all to itself, I was too wrapped up in knots to see past my own plot twists to see the chances for a different change abundant around me. I missed fortune. I've always looked at tomorrow as a day for change, a day that will be worth remembering. A day when I'll start working out, eating better, managing life/ money/ happiness/ love/ trust, next month is the month that I'll have more money so I can play catch up, match up each dollar to each bill and have a few hundred to spare. It's all there, with interest and excess, and with interest in the excess more then the base line of just happiness. I've tried to create lush without soil, to make love without needs, to make doors without keys, to make changes without choice, because it's easier to change when you can place the blame on elsewhere if you dont like what the change has done. But through the past I've come, and am, and into the future I look and believe and I've slowly come to realize that where the past and future collide is where the change is. It's actually pretty basic, talk is talk and there's no sense moping, if you want to change the moment then be the change in this moment. If you want to take part in it, put your heart into it. Dont plan to, do it. Start it. Now. What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

    ...Created 2014-02-17 21:59:48

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    What have I done with myself,
    For the last several years?
    Except try to make ends meet,
    make the ends mean.
    Without being mean,
    or rather without meaning to be mean,
    'cause it seems I keep seeing the ends
    Does the end justify the mean?
    When I connect the ends, the wires get crossed.
    The solutions I seek from the ideals I keep,
    freak me out, it's the least I can do
    to stay sane in this house.
    There is a maze in this house,
    and I am the mouse.
    Left, left, forward, right, right, right.
    This is infinite, such is life.
    My aura is made solely from Kryptonite,
    I am superman and every time I try to take flight,
    I look the challenge in the eye,
    Turn my back and take flight.
    And still I try and find time to feel justified.

    rabble rabble rabble, why do I even write this babble.

    ...Created 2014-01-10 23:27:12

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    I think I've been listening to wayyyy too much music. I oughta find myself some quiet.

    ...Created 2014-01-04 00:02:04

    dotsJournal: Dont mention itdots
    Mood: The Usual

    My word processor isn't working right, and my thoughts were going too fast for me to write, so I have to type. This is just scattered thoughts. When I do my writes on the computer, I only hit backspace if I accidentally misspell something, never to delete whole thoughts so this is probably gonna be a little bit raw and confusing. New ideas start on new lines, or something, I donno whatever who cares blah blah. Begin:

    This disturbs me:
    That I can pass judgement on something that I've never experienced.

    I feel like I'm

    I want to grow. I have grown a ton in the past few months.

    I want you to know that I feel like a judgemental asshole when I say this:

    Relationships are two way, and I'm telling you my way. I want to hear yours. Because if I make a decision about our relationship for us, that's too selfish for me. So I'm telling you that I haven't changed my mind about us. And that everything I've said to you, sent to you, complimented you, is all true.

    All this time, quoting words that aren't mine. I wish I could take my bike back in time and relearn the words of endurance and crashes and dodging the lashes. Back in a time when my tire's spoke to me with whirring words of wisdom crying "I'll carry you onward," with spokes never heard. It's the support of 87 invisible words that worked me past an overabundance of hurt. Every curb, pot hole, gravel patch and road paved with dirt, the rubber was dirty, the air took the brute and me at the bars found a route through the rubble with care, but without you? I'd have hanged 87 invisible words with a noose and played the most dangerous game you could, mixed with booze.

    I'm not used to being attractive. I'm not used to the thought of someone being better off for having known me.

    I hate being the one who does the bad things that might make or break someone. Like I want to mean something to someone, but I dont ever want to be mean. 'Cause that's the kind of thing that strips meaning from lives, being mean and deceiving under conflicting meanings. Like I didn't mean to make you fall in love, I just wanted you to know you're beautiful and that you can do what you set your mind to.

    My self image is so poor, it's begging for change on the street from people I dont even know, dont even know me. Who spot me a dime and dont even consider the turbulence in my pockets when I struggle to gather 2 pennies together. They say I'm a catch, I'm a keeper, and damn fine! But the words that I say aren't exactly what I have in mind. I want to put good in the world of mine, which means making smiles on every face every time. That's not to say that I lie, you're beautiful, I swear I feel that inside. Your soft skin and kisses would make a grown ass man cry. It's like I'm saying the words you want your true lover to say. And I feel like a contradictory jackass when I speak such beauty of you then tell you I dont feel anything. 'Cause that's not right. I am disturbed that I can flip the coin like that, but that's not the right term. It's like the coin is in the 4th dimension where my compliments are true and I want the best for you and I have to let you fly and I never said anything 'just to get into your pants'.
    All in the same line.
    All at the same time.
    And I hate that whenever I try to rhyme the word time the only line I come up with rhymes time with crime. Because I dont think the short span we've known each other in was wasted. I dont think I've stolen anything, but I know I've gained. And I dont think there is a relationship between time and pain. The wound never goes away, just goes numb and every time you poke and prod it still bleeds, it just scabs up without ever knowing the needs. And creeping along, from the side is the nail that gets under the stale scab and for just one second it rests. And then peels in one snap of the wrist, the pain shoots through the numb ignorant bliss. See! The wound is still open, you need to revisit this! I hate it when people tell me I'm not happy. One day, my scab will turn into a scar, an infinite part of me that I can examine as I wish. Nevermind, on a long enough timeline pain does turn to happiness. There is a relationship.

    ...Created 2013-12-29 22:56:35

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    Turning a corner,
    Hopefully this is better.
    One new life to live.

    ...Created 2013-12-19 12:19:09

    dotsJournal: Blar-diggy-blardots
    Mood: Sigh...

    Life is messed up. One minute i'm excited, the next day i'm less productive then slugs in january.

    I wish I wasn't always reminded that depression is so engrained in my life that I feel like I need to keep track if who knows what about me.

    ...Created 2013-12-06 01:52:13

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    Awesome. Found a home for the ducks. One more responsibility revoked.

    Shitty. I needa find me a social life. Ugh.

    ...Created 2013-11-27 00:23:11

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Push written by JanePlane
    Incubus written by monad
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Giving written by jjd
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Linger written by saartha
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    The Promise written by annie0888




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