Journal: Trying so hard -------------------------------------------Mood: Paranoid and Void Lately, I haven't seem to focus. I can pretend to be happy when truely on the inside theres this void. There's so many things that can be easily fixed but people tend to make them complicated. Specially, him. For the longest time, I would always just jump into a relationship not using my head, nor my heart. And in the end, I wouldn't have what I need, or who I want. Now, I met the person that I need, that I want. But there's so many things that keep me guessing. Doubting not just him but myself. I can't tell if it's just me being paranoid or there is a good reason to feel like this. When we talk, whether it be online or in person, everything that is just wrong at that moment in life for me seems to disappear. The focus comes and I can see clearly. It's bad enough that I have pressures from my family, my friends, my school and most of all from my daughter. But to add the pressure of trying to be the best for him is starting to break down this wall. Like the twin towers, both inside me and outside me are soon to crumble. At times, I'll be in the shower and just zone out and next thing I know I'm crying. I don't know how long I can keep this terrific act up, till someone see's the breaks within this shell of mine. I don't know how to get directions to the life I want, with the ones I want. I lost myself and I need someone to find me. ...Created 2008-06-26 12:00:03

Journal: Blah? -------------------------------------------Mood: Paranoid So I haven't writen on the journal area in quite some time. Well Cassandra is growing up... and I can see more of me in her everyday... which is good but also bad. I dunno where Im at with school... I just feel like its wasting my time but yet I need it to get somewhere in life. And since I had to start thinking more about after highschool like college or university... damn Im not scared that I wont get in or that Ill fail the courses I choose... but its about more of me being judge so much on my work... my photography and graphics. Like with Algonquins Graphic Design course... its more dealing with drawing.. but I wanna get into computer generated graphics not drawn. And with Photography... I dunno what the requirements in the portfilo is. Which is kinda making me flip outta my mind and screaming. My business is picking up and I can see it, more people interested in using me for their bands or modeling careers. Also I started charging people for my admission into shows if they want me to do their photos. So.. now we entered the last part of analzing my life... my love life. Damn its so confusing and complicated yet its not really. Im just waiting for the moment where the person I wanna be with now... is ready to be with me. And till that day.. you guess im going to be single for a while... I knew being single for a year was harsh... but being single for two years... damn I feel like a dork or a loner depending who reads this shit. Anyways back to this life I live. ...Created 2008-04-24 10:31:35

Journal: The brain -------------------------------------------Mood: Straightening things out... Lately in class I have been learning about the developments within ones brain. And for something so complex its simple really. Though why people tend to be confused with the analogy with the brain. The mysteries of what one really thinks is something that will always remain a mystery even to that person. But once the thought of emotion so strong like love over crowds our brain, sends everything into over drive and tends to get messy. Today I sat in the computer lab, with the urge to write. So i wrote a new piece called Cold; Shadow. A reminder of the hardships ive faced and to remind me that the shadow lurks within my mind but its up to me to allow it to affect my life. So remember when your confused, lost, scared, hurting, bleeding, the shadow isn't so far behind. It feeds off of your negative vibes. Okay maybe I got to deep with this whole writing but I feel as if I can breathe again. That the questions, the confusion, the pain, the love that was built up is finally settling down and not as heavy anymore. It's good to always tell someone something new about you everyday. ...Created 2008-02-28 16:25:26

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Things have been odd. And i dont wnt things to happen or even follow the same direction as things did last year. ...Created 2008-01-12 19:50:46

Journal: :) -------------------------------------------Mood: Okay, with everything so far. Okay, so I'm quiet happy to be in a relationship. Though the sad part is I don't think I can ever love him for sure. Maybe in time, but my heart still belongs to the one who doesn't love me back. I don't think I can ever let this one out of my head to long, as he always seems to find his way back to me, back to stab me in the heart. I care for him, I would bleed for him but he does not feel the same which hinders my heart more as he has already weakened it. With the new relationship, in hopes for my heart to heal and possibly grow. I will have to wait for time to pass on. I have everything I want with this new guy, except the one detail that kind of makes me think a little to much. We have to keep us a secret from his parents because I have a kid. He is younger then me, though it doesn't scare me. I just hate the fact that we have to hide our relationship from his parents cause of their judgement on me. They think that if he dates me that he has to wear the title as a father figure when there is already the father figure which sadly enough is the real father. Now I have to think before I talk when I speak to his parents. I don't want to screw this up. And I won't let it happen. So now I rest my head on the pillow as I type this last bit. In hopes in 5 hours I wake up, to hear his voice when he calls. My cellphone by my head and my laptop by my side. As I say good night, another day awaits for us to grow. ...Created 2007-12-31 04:24:16

Journal: BLAH -------------------------------------------Mood: Your fucking kidding me! <3 Okay so tonight was something that was unexpected. I thought hanging out with this guy i just met would be kind of boring but it turns out to be the opposite. Ive been trying to hard to get into a relationship and lately I just have given up and thought if i was ment to be in one... well Ill be in one. Well to my surprise by hanging out with this guy and his frend I had gotten a boyfrend and a good time outta it. I wasnt expecting it and I love it even more. I hope things dont fuck up at all. I might only know this guy for lol like 38 hours but fuck I have so much in common with him and plus... hes a damn good kisser. Hes different, in so many ways and hes into sports which is a major plus... specially hockey. I think I really hit the jackpot here boys and girls! ...Created 2007-12-28 23:42:37

Journal: Casey Calvert -------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed While getting ready for school I was checking messages and came across a post my cousin submitted to myspace. Casey Calvert dead. I couldn't seem to breathe. The thought of such a amazing person to die is not accepted. As I was attending school I searched all possible pages on the web in search of more information. At the age of 26, Casey died in his sleep on November 24, 2007. How will Hawthorne Heights survive? I dont think I will ever come to grips with this heavy bearing news. ...Created 2007-11-26 11:08:50

Journal: Numb & Lucided -------------------------------------------Mood: Head Aching Still bounded by a second love. Hurt just as much as the first. I hate this feeling of disgust. I didn't expect nor forget that what happened with the first would happen with the second. I thought the change would help but it seems that the trend is on the rise. Now the only shell I have is empty, shallow. Like my grave I will be soon digging. Now their might be a thrid love. Still not over the second let alone the first. I dunno how long this can go on before there is no more shell to hide in. Eger to start a life, to move on from this place from where Im stuck in. I need the touch, the passion, the romance. I need someone to be truelly all mine and I dont think this might ever happen. Scared to jump head first into another. Yet desparte to get as close as I can get to the real thing. 3 canidates to compete. One is taken, but already have sinned against it. Second moved further, and wants to be serious but I feel that he expects more from me and the newest to the race, something I fear the most. I amazing girl. from my last relationship with one, I regret not being there at her time of need before she took that blade to her wrist. I wish that I dont have to keep thinking that I need to look, to pass the time, to quicken my pace in this race. Wishing that one that will hold me tight, and treat me right will appear soon. Cause Im soon to give up. To forever be empty, shallow like my grave. ...Created 2007-10-16 10:27:55

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