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    dotsJournal: And years laterdots
    Mood: Confused

    ...I've grown up. I started this page when I was so much younger. I feel like an entirely different person. I was such a fucked up young girl. Now I'm a fucked up adult woman. Lol. It's amazing to me how much of my younger selfs problems still exist today. I still have an extremely difficult time trusting anyone, and everytime I let down my walls I get crushed. I let men rule my life, my emotions. My boyfriend whom I thought was my knight in shining armor has turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. Just when I think I've caught a break and will finally have some happiness, it ends up being just a tease. The happiness gets completely twisted into pain, which is made even more distinct because of the happiness that came before it. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm indecisive to the point where it's absurd. I feel like I need a break from life to figure out who I am and what I want. I'm afraid of never changing, of going through life absolutely clueless about where I stand.

    I know I love him. Absolutely and irrevocably. I don't think I should. Love is a form of control to me now. I feel like I shouldn't let myself love him this much, because if I do, I'll have no strength against him.

    I'm so lost.

    ...Created 2010-11-15 01:20:33

    dotsJournal: Complicateddots
    Mood: Angry

    Well, it's been a long time since I updated this. A lot has happened. And I don't even feel like writing about it. Isn't that odd? Well, I think it is, considering it's me we're talking about. I write down everything. But these events cannot be described in mere words, so I will not ruin them by trying.

    ...Created 2007-03-26 12:22:42

    dotsJournal: Detachmentdots
    Mood: Dead

    Yeah....The past definitely has a way of repeating itself. I am so completely through with long distance relationships. They just aren't worth the pain. I mean, I'm glad I met Ryan. I'm glad I fell in love with him. We had some extremely perfect times together. And I'm always going to remember those times. Even though, now, it feels so sad to remember them. I should have known it wouldn't last. It was just too hard being apart from each other. I'm still in a state of shock. It only just happened yesterday. I'm afraid of how I'll be when I realize this isn't just a bad dream, and that I can't wake up no matter how hard I try.

    ...Created 2006-10-03 12:22:56

    dotsJournal: Quotes!!dots
    Mood: Carefully Concealed Terror

    "No one holds command over me.
    No man. No god. No prince.
    What is a claim of age for ones who are immortal?
    What is a claim of power for ones who defy death?
    Call your damnable hunt.
    We shall see who I drag screaming to hell with me."
    ~Gunter Dorn, Das Ungeheuer Darin. Vampire the Masquerade 2nd Edition Book

    "I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright."
    ~The Nightmare Before Christmas

    ...Created 2006-06-22 14:56:03

    dotsJournal: Quotes!!dots
    Mood: Hesitant but not showing it

    "No one holds command over me.
    No man. No god. No prince.
    What is a claim of age for ones who are immortal?
    What is a claim of power for ones who defy death?
    Call your damnable hunt.
    We shall see who I drag screaming to hell with me."
    ~Gunter Dorn, Das Ungeheuer Darin. Vampire the Masquerade 2nd Edition Book

    ...Created 2006-06-22 14:55:16

    dotsJournal: Ah, happinessdots
    Mood: Euphoric

    God, I'm so glad my Mom actually drove me down to where I use to live. I thought I would never get back there. I've imagined it so much, it had begun to seem like a dream that would never come true. I've imagined seeing him so many times, I wasn't exactly ready to believe he was real when I finally did see him. But illusions can't touch you. You can't feel them. *contented sigh* So he was definitely not a figment of my imagination. ^.^ I don't think there's anything better than being tortured to death in the woods. Except for the mosquitoes. And knowing that it will be a long time before it happens again.

    I wish I hadn't been so paranoid about being close to him in the beginning of my visit. It made me angry because I thought I had gotten over that. It's not like I didn't *want* to be close to him and touch him and let him touch me. But my damn inhibitions kept controlling me. It's so hard to ignore them. To act inspite of them. That's why alcohol is so useful to me. All those nasty little inhibitions disappear when I'm intoxicated. But I shouldn't have to be drunk to function normally. I'm trying so hard to keep my inhibitions from controlling me. . .

    It's so annoying having to deal with my problems. Hopefully he will be understanding about the brief reappearance of my touching phobia. It was so nice to see him after all this time. ^.^

    Damn it, he's going to read all of this. . .

    ...Created 2006-06-14 09:02:16

    dotsJournal: Torture....dots
    Mood: Straightening things out...

    Life is so annoying sometimes. I need to get my license, get a car, and leave. Of course, I'll have to take ferret beast with me.^.^ My parents are so controlling sometimes. I hope I'm never like them. I haven't talked to my mom or sisters in weeks. My stepmom told me that I need to focus on more than one thing in my life. She said that I shouldn't let one person be my only reason to live. *sigh* There isn't much else in my life to look forward to.

    ...Created 2006-06-01 11:22:13

    dotsJournal: Torture....dots
    Mood: The Usual

    ...Created 2006-06-01 11:16:18

    dotsJournal: Grrr....dots
    Mood: Brain Fried

    Inspiration, where art thou? *sigh* I've been trying to write something....anything....and my mind is a blank. *gasp* The dreaded writers block!!! NOOOOO!!!!

    God, it's like a disease. It comes and goes, but it's a pain in the ass. Maybe if I wasn't so influenced by the knowledge that anything I post on here will be read by a certain someone . . .*dramatic sigh* I might never be able to post my writing again. No . . .I'm sure I'll get over it. Lol . . .I'm so strange sometimes. ^.^

    ...Created 2006-05-16 10:42:49

    dotsJournal: Ah...quotes.dots
    Mood: The Usual

    "Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."
    -Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

    "Ama me fideliter! Fidem meam noto: De corde totaliter Et ex mente tota, Sum presentialiter Absens in remota."
    Lat: "Love me faithfully!/See how I am faithful:/With all my heart/And all my soul/I am with you/Though I am far away."
    -Carl Orff, Carmina Burana

    "One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams."
    -E. V. Lucas

    Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one.
    -Albert Einstein

    Perception is merely reality filtered through the prism of your soul.
    -Christopher A. Ray

    "Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times."

    There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved...
    -George Sand

    ...Created 2006-05-12 12:42:19

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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