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Journal: time and change -------------------------------------------Mood: upset and lost so I have a boyfriend, named Lynell. And of course, Navarr's still in the picture but as my "best friend." I mark the term this way because I don't think we are really best friends. I can't talk to him about too many things that are important to me. But sometimes, there are those rare times when he makes it okay to tell him things only to get shit about it all and to be made to feel like crap when it was a decision that could have been worse. One that I did my best to make as harmless as possible. Watching my id and superego have it out. But he feels he must be my superego's big helper. wtf? if I needed you to bash me for it I would have mentioned my doubts or upsets or I would have flat out asked you what you thought! I'm changing... I'm definitely not the person he met and unfortunately for him, the parts of myself that remain are the parts that I'd well hidden from him to appease him in the past. Why do I care what he thinks of me? He does not define me. I define me. There is a chance, of course, that he reminds me of the standards and everything so that I be not lost entirely from that which I originally claimed to believe and uphold... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want. And I SURE as hell don't know where I'm going. The black and white's divinding line of who I was and of right and wrong is dwindling quickly. How do I find myself? How do I figure out what I want and how to get it? I'm so lost and confused and scared that I MUST take it day by day which is conflicting what I assumed -and assume- to be my nature to plan far ahead. I hate the a**holes that will tell me that this is because I am out of touch with God as I am VERY aware of this and HATE being told what I'm doing wrong when I already know. (probably because it means that you noticed. imperfections are not only something I strive to avoid but also to conceal). Everytime I try and talk to God, I feel like crap. Why? not entirely sure. I know that I don't feel worthy and I know the stereotypical christian responce to that statement but it doesn't help me any. Telling me shit I already know doesn't help me any. UGH!!! I'm just super aggrivated because I WANT to talk to him and I WANT to ... as I think to write the words "make things right" I get this awful feeling inside. This tells me that I do not want to give up what I'm doing as much as I think I do. That *Satan* doesn't want me to give up what I'm doing. *sigh* more time for revelations shall come later. ...Created 2010-01-19 18:21:19

Journal: my game plan -------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking... Crap with Navarr got pretty mucked up with misunderstanding... But it let us to tonight.... Maybe, I'm not supposed to be emotionally involved with or attached to HIM but am supposed to just be there for him as a crutch... to keep him on his feet after he runs into the wall repeatedly. He does it so often... almost as if it's fun, so I'm just not going to get emotionally attached anymore. It might be what saves our friendship. We may be able to stay best friends but we'll definitely be further away from the fine line between best friends and couple... kind of like before he and Carla broke up... of course back then it never occured to me he had a penis but I'll live. Most of my friends are guys so this shouldn't be too hard to tackle. ...Created 2009-10-07 00:56:17

Journal: again... -------------------------------------------Mood: crying He is a part of me... I ripped out a part of me because my God said it was no good and that it wasn't in his plan. Not only, though, must I deal with the pain it caused me but I must watch him hurt himself further because he can't bare to be alone. I must watch him return to the wretched witch he finally had the sense to cease pursuing only to find out that he wouldn't leave if it meant being single... not alone, but single... In his mind they are one and the same, and it angers me... ... I want him... I want him to be mine, and I, his. Or at the very least, I want him to be actually happy and not hurting himself. I must say, my dislike for this girl makes it hurt just that much more to see him with someone else... to make it even worse, as if it needed the help, I never really meant anything to him. I was just best friend he could be romantic or sexual with when it met his fancy because we had a stupid title that meant nothing! God told me that was the case... I did what He asked but didn't believe it until I heard it from his very lips. I don't know how to cope with it... I don't know how to make it okay in my mind. I want to speak to him without feeling pain. I want to not cry every night because I'm losing yet another important person to me. I want to feel like I'm not worthless to him and the truth that we really didn't belong together. I want to be able to *like* someone else. I want to be able to come back from the Army and see that he can be my best friend again and that he's not hurting himself just so that he can be single. I just want to be happy or at least calm again... I don't want to lose him entirely to regain him as a best friend. I feel like that's my "cop out" method. I always just cut them out entirely and heal the wounds on my own and then, if possible, repair the relationship. With Carolina and Mami and even Jose, that was what I did. Except, the first two were gone indefinitely and the third is still in early stages of phase 3 and i don't know that it'll ever get past that. I think part of the reason we had to break up was because I am called to be a soldier and that was the last thing he wanted me to be... I don't know... there were many reasons... all the same, I am in pain and must face it everyday. God,*please*... have mercy on my heart... ...Created 2009-10-01 00:11:45

Journal: screwed up -------------------------------------------Mood: Crying You'd think that breaking up either absolutely destroy or just barely effect a best friendship. But the more I look at it, during our going out, our friendship did wane a bit. And now that I'm no longer his girlfriend, it's like he has no reason to listen to me anymore... I wish that he'd just be angry with me instead of continuing with this charade and facade he has set up that he's still my best friend no matter what happens. He can still be my best friend and be upset over something he completely has the right to be upset about. But no. he's much too preoccupied with what his clueless male mind tells him would be the most polite and less harmful way to handle it. I dumped him... why bother being polite? everyone knows that if you let a problem sit under the beautiful rug it seeps through until it's all out anyway. So why bother? why put me through the pain of your subconscious in pain? because you don't care? NO because you're completely unaware and I'm trying so hard to play your polite game and not hurt you anymore that I don't want to tell you how much it hurts. If anything, you'll just keep denying it to yourself that it's even happening or justify it in your mind or even worse yet.... both.... sometimes I wonder if I should break ties entirely... would that make it hurt less or would i just be taking that route because I've already mastered sudden loss? the options in the end though would be that we either never speak again, losing our relationship entirely, like with my mother or Jose, or reuniting after recovery and rebuilding, starting again nearly from scratch the process of friendship, like with Matt... And then the question arises... how do you even bring this up? And with that another... should i just let myself whither inside and keep silent? I screwed up more than I knew, and I'm the only one who can see the full extent of the damage it caused... ...Created 2009-09-21 01:56:13

Journal: juries -------------------------------------------Mood: freaking out beyond comprehension The life of a high school arts magnet student unfortunately consists of a depressing little trhing we like to call Juries. It's basically our mid-term/final exam for our Art. Okay, it may seem really simple but being an artist (yes, that includes us musicians, and dancers, and actors) is so much more complicated than one who isn't would know. And i'm not talking about performing because getting onstage and doing is by FAR the easiest part; It's the learning process that makes you want to blow something up. And when you have to perform for 5 grades in front of 5 judges you think you're going to go crazy if you don't have everything perfect, which we never -as our own worst critic- feel we do. I have my juries today and i have to perform 3 songs; One in French (easy, since i'm french), another in Italian (also alright because i live in miami, ie- i know spanish, which is close to Italian, which is prettier), and then the last in German, which makes me want to gouge someone's eye out. I'm on the verge of vomitting and crying right now cause my juries are in about 3 and a half hours and i just practiced for an hour and a half straight, periodly stopping to scream at myself for not being good enough. Thanks to the screaming my body no longer wishes to comply with my need to practice; My palet is stuck because of a sudden congestion (even though i'm not sick). I'm going to get my first B on a jury today and i don't know how I'm going to react to that. :( this REALLY bites... ...Created 2008-05-21 08:32:58

Journal: it would be me -------------------------------------------Mood: Desperate *starts crying in a convolsive manner* I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've never been so frustrated and confused and angry before. I was so far into the darkness before but I was plained with naivity and now... now that I know that the darkness is not somewhere i want to be, he whom i love most seems to be trying to bring me to darkness once more. I refuse. I do not wish to be another protoge of the devil just for his amusment. I know that there are so many things that I've done wrong in my christian walk but I'm not ready to give up. I don't EVER want to be ready to give up. I wish Kain would leave jose and let him be mine. I told Jose I'd never let him leave and he warned me saying that he was not good for me, that i would NEED him to leave. What he was then I thought i could handle, little did i know what he was becoming. He knew and he tried to keep me away, save me, and warn me, spare me even. though it's not too late to turn away, I gave him my word. I don't wish to give up on him, however, I'm simply a bystander in this event that's occuring within my beloved. He must fight his own, i, unfortunately, may do nothing but watch him, but he's not fighting. He seems to have chosen to accept what he calls "His fate"... I don't know where to go or what to do. Kain *sighs* o Kain, please spare my beloved. Please, I beg of thee, o Lycon, free my beloved. He is not a part of you, you are a removable part of him, please spare him for me. ...Created 2007-09-12 20:42:06

Journal: if something... -------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking too hard... If something were to happen to me I would want Jose to know. I could put his number in Papi's phone but then Papi would be asking 21 questions. I can picture myself unconcious and my dad calling Mabel and Dalny and when I wake up I see them there, at the hospital, and I ask for Jose. If something happened to me, I would want him to know. I would want him to be the first, after my dad, of course, to know. I would have my dad call him and tell him I'm in the hospital. Then I thought how happy I'd be to wake up with him beside me. Then another thought crossed my mind. I thought, what if he didn't come... What would I do? I would probably want to be back unconcious. I thought of how awful I'd feel if I knew he knew but he didn't care to come.... But that couldn't happen... It just couldn't.... He told me I have his heart captive.... He told me he loved me for always being there for him.... he loves me, mabye not in the way that I want him to, but he does so that's enough, or at least it should be.... he'd be there... he'd be there for me... at the very least he'd owe it to me.... but even more importantly, he'd come because he loves me :) ...Created 2007-02-06 18:05:17

Journal: Jose's happy -------------------------------------------Mood: Just happy :-) I feel good. I know I probably shouldn't let my feelings be his feelings but as far as I'm concerned, we're one or at least he's a part of me and what he feels I feel, whether I like it or not. I just love him that much. :) I can deal with it. I can handle the depression. It's not like I haven't done it before. Besides he's happy now. :) I miss him... I mean I know I talk to him everyday, but I don't see him everyday. I miss him and I love him and I'm happy with and for him. He's changed a bit, but so have I. I hope and pray that he's the one for me... because if he's not... it's going to be really hard to find someone else I feel this strongly for. ...Created 2007-01-21 07:45:55

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Sniffle... and he loves his ex who's definately caused him to lose his mind... my poor Jose. I love him soooo much and he's just.... dying inside... killing himself slowly... and I... I sit and watch.... absolutely helpless, while the love of my life just... self-distrusts. all I can do is watch... watch... watch.... and slowly die with him..... I can only loose so much of me..... I've already lost half.... ...Created 2006-11-28 18:06:19

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Oy man, I hate hearing him cry... it's like a yawn... it's contagious ...Created 2006-11-26 11:36:05