-------------------------------------------Mood: it's that simpleI'm not bitter.
Not to say I can't feel bitter because I certainly can. I'm intrigued? Observing from the outside in. Whenever I see people, it's like they're encased in displays. That's how I assess them. And I don't think people are meant to be assessed in this way, I don't think people assess others in this way.
Then what would that make me.
I don't mind when other people move on. Yes, admittedly, at the beginning, it brings me some gratification to see another person in need of me. It makes me feel something I can't otherwise feel. It's like a sort of confirmation that I can be wanted or that I am genuinely liked.
Truth is, what I have always held in the peripheral, is that I am not entirely complete. I am not altogether sane. I don't believe anybody is, really but I do believe there are levels. The problem, I'd bet, is that you and I, we are more sentient but in a deeper way than the common person. Thinkers are depressed because they are open minded in a depressing world. Existence. Existence with an expiration date.
I am and currently believing I will always be paranoid. No, I have no visions or hear no voices. But I have these thoughts, my inner voice that belongs to me alone that points and says- this person is an imposter. This person will leave you. This person is only playing some trick on you. This person is tugging you like a dog on a chain.
This inner voice, my inner voice is very convincing and for it, I have hardened. I genuinely believe that there is no person in the world who would find themselves wanting to be in my company. But I understand the importance of human connection. Well, I think I understand it. So I fit myself to other people. Grand pretender. What reaction are you looking for? What words would you like me to say? Who is it you're looking for? I can be her. A chameleon changing its color. I adapt person by person. And I'm good at it. So good, I can convince myself. For awhile.
But something snaps me out of it and suddenly I am ever aware of the whisperings in the back of my mind that this is not real. And no longer am I afraid that the person is out to get me. I am sick from what I have become and for the hurt that will soon be caused. That must be caused because I am not what they signed up for because nobody would want that. Because I am replaceable. Because I am a stepping stone to better things.
This isn't a lack of confidence in a body and its actions this is the void in a mind. I am not broken, I am unwhole.
Now don't get me wrong. There are people I care about. People that have really worked so hard to know me and that have stuck by me. And I appreciate it as well as know how undeserving I am of them. But it's that I am afraid that I have only convinced myself that I am comfortable with them and that that person is who I am. The lines blur and I need help because I'm truly lost but I'm too proud to ask for it. And I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time because you deserve better than whatever bullshit reason I fed both of us. But one thing I know for sure is that you deserve more than this and that's because you are the most genuine person I have ever met and you're worth the whole lot. I wish I could be more like you....Created 2013-12-03 18:59:08