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Journal: internal -------------------------------------------Mood: external A wendigo sickened by flesh. ...Created 2015-10-02 20:53:26

Journal: 🐝🐝🐝 -------------------------------------------Mood: 🐝 🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝 ...Created 2015-09-27 03:00:42

Journal: because -------------------------------------------Mood: it's that simple I'm not bitter. Not to say I can't feel bitter because I certainly can. I'm intrigued? Observing from the outside in. Whenever I see people, it's like they're encased in displays. That's how I assess them. And I don't think people are meant to be assessed in this way, I don't think people assess others in this way. Then what would that make me. I don't mind when other people move on. Yes, admittedly, at the beginning, it brings me some gratification to see another person in need of me. It makes me feel something I can't otherwise feel. It's like a sort of confirmation that I can be wanted or that I am genuinely liked. Truth is, what I have always held in the peripheral, is that I am not entirely complete. I am not altogether sane. I don't believe anybody is, really but I do believe there are levels. The problem, I'd bet, is that you and I, we are more sentient but in a deeper way than the common person. Thinkers are depressed because they are open minded in a depressing world. Existence. Existence with an expiration date. I am and currently believing I will always be paranoid. No, I have no visions or hear no voices. But I have these thoughts, my inner voice that belongs to me alone that points and says- this person is an imposter. This person will leave you. This person is only playing some trick on you. This person is tugging you like a dog on a chain. This inner voice, my inner voice is very convincing and for it, I have hardened. I genuinely believe that there is no person in the world who would find themselves wanting to be in my company. But I understand the importance of human connection. Well, I think I understand it. So I fit myself to other people. Grand pretender. What reaction are you looking for? What words would you like me to say? Who is it you're looking for? I can be her. A chameleon changing its color. I adapt person by person. And I'm good at it. So good, I can convince myself. For awhile. But something snaps me out of it and suddenly I am ever aware of the whisperings in the back of my mind that this is not real. And no longer am I afraid that the person is out to get me. I am sick from what I have become and for the hurt that will soon be caused. That must be caused because I am not what they signed up for because nobody would want that. Because I am replaceable. Because I am a stepping stone to better things. This isn't a lack of confidence in a body and its actions this is the void in a mind. I am not broken, I am unwhole. Now don't get me wrong. There are people I care about. People that have really worked so hard to know me and that have stuck by me. And I appreciate it as well as know how undeserving I am of them. But it's that I am afraid that I have only convinced myself that I am comfortable with them and that that person is who I am. The lines blur and I need help because I'm truly lost but I'm too proud to ask for it. And I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time because you deserve better than whatever bullshit reason I fed both of us. But one thing I know for sure is that you deserve more than this and that's because you are the most genuine person I have ever met and you're worth the whole lot. I wish I could be more like you. ...Created 2013-12-03 18:59:08

Journal: benny&joon -------------------------------------------Mood: jack white reminds me of sam. I always thought Sam's name should be Benny... ...Created 2013-02-09 23:45:06

Journal: Partita No. 1 -------------------------------------------Mood: i won't ever be happy again. Yeah but you listened to BLUNDERBUSS, right? Okay. Where did all the people go? Like the real ones who are supposed to be detrimental and intertwined in my life? Am I not go-get-um enough? I just didn't think life worked like that. Who knows. Let's not even get into what I'm about to do. Other than my hopes of graduating this quarter then enrolling myself into another school to study Russian-Slavic languages. What? What. Back to BLUNDERBUSS. He's kind of a diva. Jack White, calm your shit down, okay? Cool. But hey, I still really like your music and stuff and I think you were always kind of a diva anyways. So... Beds are in your near present. That's right. Holla' air mattresses, it's been fun and all but... Oh hey I got two dreads. They're just like chillin' out by neck. Nobody even really notices but we're pals now so it's okay. I dunno if I'mma do my whole head, I don't think so but like I said I don't know. My roommate just guessed the flavor of juice I made. She said cranberry. She has obviously never tasted cranberry in her life since it's repulsive. That's all, folks. ...Created 2013-02-05 21:43:05

Journal: Foilage. -------------------------------------------Mood: dead leaves and the dirty ground Sometimes it's good to just get back to the basics. I feel like I've been outside of my head for so long and it hardly felt like home when I came back. I can't explain what it is- maybe it takes a few good assholes to sink you low before you have to look back up. I don't know where to begin. But it started with feeling outside my skin. Uncomfortable in being stuck to my own bones. So I fell into a stage of restlessness. I couldn't find roots to grasp onto, couldn't dig myself into a home. I've always known I didn't need anybody to make me feel home. Somehow, I guess I forgot that. So how do you remember something you've forgotten? You don't give a jackass a second glance. You be genuine to those you care for. You learn to understand compliments. You order shit tons of chinese because fuck you, I'll have chinese three days in a row if I damn well please. You dig up those old albums, dust 'em off and teach yourself your native tongue once more. It's just that easy. Also, there's a lot of death in my dreams. The first was about some crazy suicide pact I was a part of? I don't even know. Then the second my mom died. I don't wake up crying a lot, but I did this one. I did once more in a dream where my sister died. In these dreams, I wail and wail and I am never happy again. ...Created 2013-01-03 03:54:15

Journal: oh, herro -------------------------------------------Mood: little king of anything I'm moving into a new apartment which is most excellent. My roommate is pretty cool and stuff. We want to get a baby fox and name her Percy. She's going to be super pompous and shit. Like, "Uhm, who the fuck are you? Get out of my general viewing area." And I'll be like, "Oh okay, sorry Percy. <3." And then of course I'm gonna get some jellyfish. And maybe one of those hideous hairless cats that look super grumpy and like they loathe everything ever. So excited. I wonder if baby foxes can wear sweaters... A friend is supposed to come into town which is exciting too. Adventure time! A lot of my friends live away from me. Most of the real good ones in Ohio, some in Kentucky and this particular one in Florida. Is that where Flo Rida got his name from? Can I just call him Florida? Is that acceptable? I think it's play on words. I am happy that it's time to listen to Bright Eyes' Christmas album. ...Created 2012-12-01 20:20:03

Journal: Hard Candy -------------------------------------------Mood: 30% cool grey I don't think I have the same priorities. Ever. That is, in comparison to others. I do try to want the same things, try to believe and yearn for the same desires others do but once I have them I can't for the life of me see the appeal and it repels me. I can grasp the oddity there but I can't fix it. Maybe it's just not broken though. But it certainly does feel like it at times. So what am I doing here? ...Created 2012-11-29 02:22:20

Journal: Waves -------------------------------------------Mood: crash over. Sinking. You feel like you work too much, play too little. I am grumpy and you don't feel too good either. I have no weight in the world. Sometimes I would not like to talk at all, but I know I will. You wouldn't know because nobody could possibly understand how dearly I hold words. Little trinkets that dissolve as soon as they fall from your lips. You've forgotten about them, but I haven't. I never do. It's the one feeling I've grown much too familiar with. ...Created 2012-06-29 00:23:18

Journal: In Bloom -------------------------------------------Mood: you're a big blue whale I wonder what happened to motion. There's a lot of static here. A lot of glances and nothing and nothing and nothing and nothing. It's Nirvana today. Yesterday was Sublime. Today is Nirvana. I think sometimes I could be like Kurt. I wish I knew what opium was like. I think I'd like it. Maybe it's Marcy Playground. It's 90s. I don't want to be here, in the time. Weep, wail and sift. Wish you were what I was. It's a ghostly kind of thing. I only have an existence at work anymore. I am wasting everything wasting away. Tomorrow comes easily because the days melt and blend into each other. It's all a constant frame, edges burning into existence. I can't stand myself anymore. I used to be friends with me. Now I just ignore me. I'm not a soul, I'm a body. Rotting and dripping and disappearing. It doesn't make me sad though. It just doesn't make me care. I discovered apathy at 21. Pirate Radio was good, though. ...Created 2012-05-28 21:32:47