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Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Sigh... mmmm no one likes the new poem. ah well. maybe i'll take it down in a day or so. ...Created 2007-05-22 22:32:15

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual just fyi... it's two years later now... and I'm a muuuuch happier kid than i was when i really used this site. maybe i'll write again. who knows. till then i'll enjoy reading all your lovely little works! ...Created 2007-03-28 18:04:24

Journal: honestly ok -------------------------------------------Mood: heh Chrissy the optimist is interesting - might keep her around a while. Hopefully this summer will be good. Yeah… good would be good. ...Created 2006-04-25 00:11:53

Journal: alone -------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed I'm feeling the lonely tonight. I admit I'm jealous of Lyndsey's friends. They went to a show, like an open mic thing, and then came back and went to a party. I would skip the party part, but yeah I'd kill to have someone be like let's go to the open mic. So yeah, I dunno, I guess I can't hang out with her and her friends because they're all black. Not that I'd want to like cling onto them and be the weird roommate or whatever. It just seems like they do a lot of stuff I'd so be up for, but I have no friends, imagine that. I think a lot of it's that I don't drink too. It's not only that, I won't lie, insanely drunk people make me uncomfortable. I don’t like to be around them. Me a bartender, heh. I think that's part of the appeal, controlling how much other people drink. But yeah, I don't know I just really don't get it. I facebooked the cute guy Marilyn introduced me to etc. He sort of looks like a pimp with all those pictures with hot girls at parties. I mean that in and of itself didn't make me mad, just that Marilyn kind of got my hopes up, but I mean she tried to help me meet people, which isn't bad either, and it's not like I was expecting anything. It's just he's in a quartet and used to be in choir, and I guess maybe I was hoping he'd a little more like me at least. He is too cute for that though. In his defense he was really really nice, even if he did go to a party after, not like there was anything else to do. ah well. I don't think I like being 19 with the crazy ass drinking and hooking up. I don't have the heart for it. I need people and some things to be stable and dependable etc.. I don't deal with the random making out without attachment and getting lost in alcohol at every opportunity. Too much crazy. I hate that I’m so terrible at meeting people, I really hate it. I hate not having a posse that understands at least some of the time. Now I’ve given myself a headache. ...Created 2006-02-17 23:15:12

Journal: alone -------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed I'm feeling the lonely tonight. I admit I'm jealous of Lyndsey's friends. They went to a show, like an open mic thing, and then came back and went to a party. I would skip the party part, but yeah I'd kill to have someone be like let's go to the open mic. So yeah, I dunno, I guess I can't hang out with her and her friends because they're all black. Not that I'd want to like cling onto them and be the weird roommate or whatever. It just seems like they do a lot of stuff I'd so be up for, but I have no friends, imagine that. I think a lot of it's that I don't drink too. It's not only that, I won't lie, insanely drunk people make me uncomfortable. I don’t like to be around them. Me a bartender, heh. I think that's part of the appeal, controlling how much other people drink. But yeah, I don't know I just really don't get it. I facebooked the cute guy Marilyn introduced me to etc. He sort of looks like a pimp with all those pictures with hot girls at parties. I mean that in and of itself didn't make me mad, just that Marilyn kind of got my hopes up, but I mean she tried to help me meet people, which isn't bad either, and it's not like I was expecting anything. It's just he's in a quartet and used to be in choir, and I guess maybe I was hoping he'd a little more like me at least. He is too cute for that though. In his defense he was really really nice, even if he did kind of cut things short to go to a party. ah well. I don't think I like being 19 with the crazy ass drinking and hooking up. I don't have the heart for it. I need people and some things to be stable and dependable etc.. I don't deal with the random making out without attachment and getting lost in alcohol at every opportunity. Too much crazy. I hate that I’m so terrible at meeting people, I really hate it. I hate not having a posse that understands at least some of the time. Now I’ve given myself a headache. ...Created 2006-02-17 23:15:12

Journal: pissed -------------------------------------------Mood: Misc call me fucking nuts. but the least you could do is ask me how i am back. blah. i hate people. ...Created 2006-01-30 20:20:02

Journal: up and down -------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed I have such bad and good days. Yesterday was really fun with the banquet and all. Some stranger even complimented my dress, which is always fun. Today though there's no on to go eat with. I don't feel like eating alone. ...Created 2006-01-23 16:17:53

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed So I hate everyone. Like just absolutely everyone, including myself. I hate how everyone talks about how awesome college is, and I guess it makes me mad cuz I don’t really agree. I mean it’s not bad, its ok, a nice change I suppose, but nothing about my life has been so suddenly grand since I went to college. I haven’t made any real friends, love has not found me, and I still don’t really know what I’m going to do with my life. People made me angry today. I think my problem with finding lovers is that’s what I’m looking for, a lover. Like if you try to make me jealous by flirting with other girls and asking me if they’re single, that’s just a turn off, because if you’re looking for the hottest girl who will date you, just so you’ll have a hot girlfriend, I won’t be her. I don’t get jealous, I just hurt. I miss my seemingly perfect life. I mean come on. For a whole five minutes I had the perfect boyfriend and family and body and everything. Now it seems I have nothing, and nothing to look forward to. At all. Not even a little bit. I miss when things were easier and I didn’t feel so lost. I also developed this new need for a bravado. Like everything is fine and I’m peachy keen always. I didn’t used to do that. And I don’t know why I do it now, but I’ll tell you its damn draining. I’m not fine, I’m a fucking mess, and I doubt there’s any real way to fix it. ...Created 2006-01-05 01:14:01

Journal: *glares* -------------------------------------------Mood: Overwhelmed Good enough place to rant as any. I hate people. A lot. So I left my boxes from my gifts in the hall intending to take them down when I next went downstairs… And someone left a nasty note on my door about it. So I left a nasty one back… and this morning my boxes are gone. What the hell. Leave my shit to me. Just leave it alone. Seriously, If you have a REAL problem with them in the hall… the hall that isn’t yours anyway… tell me and I’ll put them back in my room. They just take up lots of space! UGH!!! Anyway. On other notes… I hate people bitching about people being fake. Not to mention names, but to mention names *cough* Carly does it ALL the time. In her journal, she talks about some girl bitching about her favorite shoes breaking, and how she wanted to kill said girl… cuz people in New Orleans don’t have shoes or something. And that girl was fake because she was bitching about her shoes. Dude. What the hell. Am I the only one that sees something wrong here? America is materialistic. And we are American, therefore materialistic. The end. I bet you bitch about your food when you don’t like it. Do you know how many people in this world don’t have food? That doesn’t mean you’re fake. Just fortunate, I think anyway. Why the fuck are you in college? So you can get a job that pays decent money later. You can candy coat it, but that’s really what it is. I suppose there are fake people, but mean not really. There are people out to stab your back, and people I don’t like etc. but I don’t think anyone walks around intending to be someone they aren’t, that’s just how it goes sometimes. Blah. Anyway, I guess I hate not having friends here. Most of the girls on my floor are the sorority type though. And then there’s the fact that I don’t drink party and have sex. The people I’ve kind of tried to be friends with who seem kind of like me have dis’d me on more than one occasion, so what’s a girl to do huh? Other than bitch bout how she has no friends? Anyway. I have social opportunities this weekend, and I guess I should attend. I really have too much work to do to go, esp. to the one tonight. If I don’t go though I’ll sit and wallow in self pity with my Chem. text… which isn’t exactly healthy either. Then there’s my whole what to major in dilemma. I guess I feel like I have something to prove, and that’s part of the problem. I feel like choosing something “easier” is admitting I can’t do it or something. I know that’s completely foolish, but it’s the truth. It isn’t really my parents I feel I’d be disappointing either, its more my peers/friends. I guess it bothers me when people view me as less intelligent than them for no real reason. Do I come off as stupid? And it really bothers me that no one other than my parents believes how hard my classes are. My last Chem. test I got a 50 something… the grad student T.A.s couldn’t even do the test. They had a big T.A. meeting and tried to figure it out… and then they ended up going to Dr. Bojan to get help. It was that hard. Do you know how ridiculous that is? It’s an accomplishment that I haven’t dropped out of the class, cuz something like 40% of the people initially enrolled have. But yeah, it blows. Oh. Plus, my floor now refers to me as the Asian who isn’t Asian cuz I study so much. It’s quite annoying that I’m viewed as that much of a brain, because I’m not at all. I like to be crazy and artsy and fun… and I am absolutely none of those things right now. On top of all this I have to find a way to focus even more to get the grades I need on my math and chem finals to pull C’s. God. It’s sooooo frustrating. And what if I do change my major? Then all this slavery is for not. BLAH!!!!! So yeah. In a nut shell, I hate people, but I’m lonely as fuck. I miss the old me, and I can’t decide weather to be me and try to go out or sit and study like a freak, which will make people like me less. Hopefully break will feel good. This last one did. As long as my friends don’t get all uppity and pull the I’ve changed I’m too good for you now shit, it should be fine. I could really only see Sarah and Carly doing that anyway. And I really only miss Hannah Christy and Carey. And there’s the bowl game which should be awesome. Ok… so just a little more than a week of this insanity. Then I need to do serious decision making and stuff. But at lest I won’t be bother by electrons and other numbers I don’t necessarily believe in. tata for now. ...Created 2005-12-02 09:44:47

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking... So I haven’t done anything real on here in…. forever. I haven’t been writing much I guess. I can’t really write about Rob yet. I think the reason there isn’t much poetry or other art on dealing with that kind of death is because it’s really beyond words. The closest I can get to painting a picture for everyone is the last few pages of Eugenides’ book. Life overcomes natural death, but when death is unnatural, a space forms. Its like a random back hole someone forgot to fill. Like deja-vous in the matrix. Just empty space with a ticking clock. Sometimes it makes you sad, the space, sometimes not, sometimes mad… anyway this isn’t what I meant to write about. I meant to talk about me, and how my friends think I’m different I suppose. They must think something’s changed. One suggested grief counseling to me, and another agreed. I couldn’t walk in that building and make that appointment today though. I had the time, but I just kept walking. I don’t really think I like who I am anymore. Its disconcerting, I’m pretty sure I mostly liked who I was last year. It’s that I have to redefine myself to everyone too. (Plus I’m miserably lonely and I hate my body.) I hate that with such passion. I just want to be like, I have my people, if you don’t like me, you suck, go away. But my people are no more. How sadly. My home isn’t the home in my memory anymore either. It was strange. I wanted to go home, and be safe. And then I did. And I realized, the home in my head isn’t home anymore. It’s changed so much… but everything’s still so superficially the same. God. It drives me absolutely up the wall. And I remembered, this is how it is now. My house has been replaced by its evil twin from oz. and its how it’ll always be, from now on. Forever. That sleepy safe place of my childhood is gone for so many reasons, and my friends are gone… and I don’t like who I am anymore. Yeah I’ve got a shit load to run steady on don’t I? Probably should make that counseling apt. then. ...Created 2005-09-30 19:38:27