Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual oh hi, sorry i've been away for a while again, i'm working on that. let's see how long i hang around this time. ...Created 2009-08-22 02:42:14

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: fuck journals i used to believe in full circle, because it meant i might endlessly get another chance to finally get it right for once, the whole 'hope' thing, right? every time i came around i used the same approach all over again, thinking it was about improving semantics when the entire foundation was seconds from collapse, i was making small repairs to a skyscraper slowly and irreversibly disintegrating. i don't like people, they force me to be social and that pisses me off a lot. everyone has a f**king agenda, even me, it's a vicious circle. i don't know why i'm writing this but my brain is acting like it wants me to think about all this crap. but i say if a brain doesn't jump up and come running back to me when i throw it, then i don't trust it, plain and simple. ...Created 2009-04-21 04:43:01

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: seroquel makes for happy sleep to be i used to believe in full circle, because it meant i might endlessly get another chance to finally get it right for once, the whole 'hope' thing, right? every time i came around i used the same approach all over again, thinking it was about improving semantics when the entire foundation was seconds from collapse, i was making small repairs to a skyscraper slowly and irreversibly disintegrating. i don't like people, they force me to be social and that pisses me off a lot. everyone has a f**king agenda, even me, it's a vicious circle. i don't know why i'm writing this but my brain is acting like it wants me to think about all this crap. but i say if a brain doesn't jump up and come running back to me when i throw it, then i don't trust it, plain and simple. ...Created 2009-04-21 04:40:42

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: seroquel makes happy for sleep to be i used to believe in full circle, because it meant i might endlessly get another chance to finally get it right for once, the whole 'hope' thing, right? every time i came around i used the same approach all over again, thinking it was about improving semantics when the entire foundation was seconds from collapse, i was making small repairs to a skyscraper slowly and irreversibly disintegrating. i don't like people, they force me to be social and that pisses me off a lot. everyone has a f**king agenda, even me, it's a vicious circle. i don't know why i'm writing this but my brain is acting like it wants me to think about all this crap. but i say if a brain doesn't jump up and come running back to me when i throw it, then i don't trust it, plain and simple. don't trust a human brain as far as i can throw it, ...Created 2009-04-21 04:37:04

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: is your hog on drugs? someone back me up here. ...Created 2009-04-20 01:05:37

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual you expect what you would expect it is time it is simply a need to own the rain's pleasant hemhorrage wrapped in flesh our silent nature hop on my plane it's all good ...Created 2009-04-06 22:41:01

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: deep-fried "Even when the world is looking us straight in the mind we forget to say never mind, I don't want any because I am creating, that is what I do."-- nan-san ------------------------------------------------------- you know, the biggest reason i don't want to believe in god is to help give him a fucking break from all the expectations we throw at him every day. did it ever occur to you that prayer serves no purpose since god already knows everything you're going to say, meaning he's done with your prayer before you even start? and religion- think about this, if the 'divine' answer provided by a religious fellow can be argued in ANY way, it is immediately disqualified as having truly come from god, obviously. even with these blatant truths in our face daily, so many people fail to realize just how irrationally paradoxical faith is. you're using a finite method to describe an infinite situation, and no matter how you word it, it can't be done completely. people's ignorance frightens me. it frustrates me. i see people wearing their faith like a slutty new wardrobe, giving it away to get that warm feeling of attention, calling on the name of god because you think someone owes you something. i see people using their faith as a shield, as an excuse, as a guilt-fed motivation to avoid hell and damnation. in my whole life the number of people i have met whose faith was of the eye-opening kind is few, and i miss those people dearly, they have all exited my life. i wonder if they think about this shit, they were the ones with their eye on the god prize, why should the atheist dreamer be the one to bring it up? ...Created 2009-04-03 04:43:37

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual hope i'm not pissing anyone off. heh. ...Created 2009-03-19 23:53:19

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual what has ghost been up to? it's kind of a long story really. i left es when i first starting hitting the psych wards. after two years of testing and therapy, i'm told i have asperger's syndrome, a form of functioning autism, among other things it causes great social anxiety and ocd behavior. it drove me all the way to the edge, if you know what i mean. i almost didn't make it back. now there are meds, there used to be a.a. but my opinion of them has changed. a.a. is like thug protection- they provide the solution, but they're also the problem. i have no respect for anyone who teaches that alcoholism is a universally incurable disease when the great majority of 'alcoholics' are simply mentally addicted and can be taught to overcome their addiction at any time. i lose all respect for those who perpetuate living with the disease instead of proving it can be overcome. sure there are real alcoholics, the ones with wet brains. otherwise your disease is mental, and is not incurable. you believed yourself into being an alcoholic, you can believe yourself out of it, like i did. the solution is to stop taking responsibility for your past, stop claiming ownership of your memories. when you believe you are responsible for the things that happened to you, you perpetuate the disease. when you realize that the majority of your memories occurred outside of your control, it's hard to take responsibility for them, and when you let go of that, the addictive behavior lessens. i suspect someone will read this and try to defend a.a. but i was in it for over two years, i am not talking out of my ass, and i came to these conclusions through hard earned experience. i dunno, i've seen things that have changed my life. i've loved, i've definitely lost. i did some insane things before i got the help i needed and thanks to all of it i've learned a great deal about who i am. this post probably sounds more negative than positive- not true, i just happened to cover a lot of negative material. but the end result is positive, if you choose to let it be. ...Created 2009-03-19 18:37:25

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual what has ghost been up to? it's kind of a long story really. i left es when i first starting hitting the psych wards. after two years of testing and therapy, i'm told i have asperger's syndrome, a form of functioning autism, among other things it causes great social anxiety and o d. behavior. it drove me all the way to the edge, if you know what i mean. i almost didn't make it back. now there are meds, there used to be a.a. but my opinion of them has changed. a.a. is like thug protection- they provide the solution, but they're also the problem. i have no respect for anyone who teaches that alcoholism is a universally incurable disease when the great majority of 'alcoholics' are simply mentally addicted and can be taught to overcome their addiction at any time. i lose all respect for those who perpetuate living with the disease instead of proving it can be overcome. sure there are real alcoholics, the ones with wet brains. otherwise your disease is mental, and is not incurable. you believed yourself into being an alcoholic, you can believe yourself out of it, like i did. the solution is to stop taking responsibility for your past, stop claiming ownership of your memories. when you believe you are responsible for the things that happened to you, you perpetuate the disease. when you realize that the majority of your memories occurred outside of your control, it's hard to take responsibility for them, and when you let go of that, the addictive behavior lessens. i suspect someone will read this and try to defend a.a. but i was in it for over two years, i am not talking out of my ass, and i came to these conclusions through hard earned experience. i dunno, i've seen things that have changed my life. i've loved, i've definitely lost. i did some insane things before i got the help i needed and thanks to all of it i've learned a great deal about who i am. this post probably sounds more negative than positive- not true, i just happened to cover a lot of negative material. but the end result is positive, if you choose to let it be. ...Created 2009-03-19 18:35:08

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