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dots Journal: dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
Under no normal circumstances,
Would I have ever thought...
To find you.

I miss you,
But I've never had you.
I feel you close,
But have never touched you.
I know your smile,
But have not near enough time to memorize it.
I am sure, beyond measure, that I love you,
But, honestly, and God help me, God please please help me,
....I don't even know you.
...Created 2011-04-30 00:36:51

dots Journal: Change.... dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: Devastated...
Change is never easy. We fight to hold on, and yet we fight to let go. I want to hold on because, it's everything I've ever known. It's been the best part of my life, for, my whole life. I've put everything I had into this. I WANT to hang on. And yet...I WANT to let go. I want it all to be over. I don't want to be tired anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I want the tears to stop. I want to move on. I want to let go of what is so obviously not going to work. I want it to be easy. And it's not. It's harder than the last time and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I let you go once....it's so hard to ask my heart to do it again. I live where we lived. I sleep where we slept. And every day is a constant reminder of what we lost. Alone is a feeling I hadn't felt in a very long time. And now, it's all I feel. I felt so whole and now I feel empty. I'm just so tired of being sad. As happy as you made me, God the circumstances of us just made me so sad a lot of the time. I just want to let you go and not be sad anymore. But I feel like if I let you go, I lose some part of my happiness too. I need to let go, but all I want is to have you here. It's like I want you to help get me through this, but I know in my heart I have to get mySELF through it. .....I miss what we had. I miss our love. I miss the good of what we had. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish we could just magically be the people we need each other to be. ....I just want it to be easy. But nothing ever is.
So when I want to reach for you in the middle of the night, I guess I tell myself to stop. And when I think I hear your feet on the stairs, I guess I tell myself I'm crazy. When my phone rings and I want to hear your voice, I'll tell myself to keep dreaming. When I start thinking that we actually could have been happy, I need to stop fooling myself, and when I think that it will NEVER get easier and I'll always feel this way, I'll just remember that nothing ever stays the same. We didn't stay the same. We changed. And so will this. This too will change, and I'll feel like smiling again. This too will change, and my life the way I want it to be, will finally begin. My only regret is that somehow that life, ended up not involving you. .....Change is never easy. We fight to hang on, and yet we fight to let go.
...Created 2009-10-09 21:26:02

dots Journal: For A Reason dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
Everything happens for a reason. I've told myself that for as long as I can remember. My dad says it a lot actually. I pretty much base my entire life upon that statement. I guess I've just found that over the years, especially these last few, I've become more religious than I ever thought of being. Everything happens for a reason. And those things happen, because they are God's will. God tests us. He sends down these challenges to make us better, stronger people. Very rarely do we ever understand the reason....I know I don't. I just take comfort in knowing that if God has brought me to it, He will also bring me THROUGH it. He would do nothing, He would put nothing in my life that I am not capable of handling. I've always been a thinker though. I have to know WHY. I can't take anything for what it is. In my mind, there must always be more. There's some things going on in my life lately, that have forced me to ask "why" EVERY DAY. And I got thinking back to other times in my life, when I could not for the life of me understand why certain things were happening. Sometimes...later on...I found my answer. Some other times...well let's just say I'm still waiting. So I guess now that I feel overwhelmed with needing to know why....I look back to everything I've already gotten through...

- Why him? Why can't I remember him? Why so young? It's been 18 years yesterday, and I don't have a single memory. God I can't wait to see him again. He'll be my best friend in Heaven just like he was on Earth. :)

- Why did you bring him to me...only to take him away? Why did you show me love...why did I find love with a man....that was leaving?

- Why are you sending him THERE? Anywhere but there....

- Why did you take them? Why ALL of them? Why couldn't have everything that morning been different? Why did you need them so young? I find no reason in something so horrible.

- Why did you bring him back to me? Why did you give me more years with him...if you were only going to have him leave me again? Why did you make me fall so completely in love, only to just...let me fall.

And Finally....

- Why did this happen to him? God, why couldn't it have happened to me? I really would switch places with him in a second. Why so much pain? Why so bad? Why so close? Why...did it happen at all?

- Why...if you thought I needed to hurt that badly...if I needed to go through all that pain, and all that heartbreak. Why if it was so necessary...why did you let me start to heal? Why did you let me feel again? Why did you do ALL of that...only to make me feel like my world is crashing down again? Why couldn't the end ...just have been the end? Why are you bringing him back? To torture me ...to SHOW me what I'm missing...to MAKE me sad. To bring feelings back just to have to get over them again? Or are you bringing the greatest thing that ever happened to me back here for something good? For something that always should have been? .....

I do not BLAME God. I do not CURSE God. I love God and I accept everything he has done in my life. I just do NOT understand everything. I don't always see the purpose...and maybe I never will. I trust Him...I'll give it all to Him...and I will let him guide me ...no matter what. I will live life and whatever happens...is exactly how it is supposed to happen. It all happens for a reason.
...Created 2008-07-12 19:44:43

dots Journal: back at school. dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
So I'm definitely sitting in my old high school...in the old gym. Except I'm not a student...I'm a TEACHER. *shakes head* I tried shooting some hoops, but it seems like I'm not even made to do that anymore. I'm not a kid...but I'm sure as hell not a grown up. I'm sitting on the old bleachers, which is kinda new, cus trust me, I never rode the bench. :) It's weird to be back, but there's something comforting about it too. It's the same faces, with a few new ones thrown in here and there. It's the same bell schedule, the same lunch, the same rules. But I...I am not the same. It doesn't even feel real that I went to school here. Everything was so different two years ago when I walked these halls, when I played in this gym. I don't even think there's a trace of that girl left in this body. I think that's what happens when you hit absolute rock bottom. When the floor that you stand on gets ripped from beneath you and you fall and you fall and you fall until there's nothing else to do but crash. I used to cry EVERY day. Every day. Over him. Over what I lost. I haven't cried over him...in months. Some days I'd like to...sure. But I don't. So when I think about how different things are, about how different I am....I get a little nervous. I get nervous to see people I haven't seen in a long time. Even people I graduated with. They don't know me anymore. I don't know them anymore. But it always seems to work out when we do get together. It's like we adapt to the new people that we have become. It's nice. .......So he says he's coming home. I sure haven't seen him in a long time. The last time I saw him....I was so in love with him, ready to spend ...well...forever with him. The last thing I remember is watching him walk down the steps in the airport, and how it took everything I had not to chase him down and tell him I wasn't going anywhere. haha...*sigh* Even that seems too long ago to be real. Now I haven't seen him in almost 2 years. Just a little scared to see him again. Okay I'm a LOT scared to see him again. No idea what it will be like...but...I know I'll be extremely happy to see him again. It's been a long time. Too long. - Alright...I gotta go try to get my favorite 7th grader outta BIG trouble. Apparently it's not okay to flick bottle caps at little girls and give them welts. Know what I say...don't be such a wimp little girl. I'm such a sucker for a badass...even if he IS in the 7th grade. :)
...Created 2008-06-06 09:42:42

dots Journal: Elsewhere.... dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
Well, another year of school is gonna be done in about 3 days. CRAZY that I'm gonna be a junior in college. Kinda feels like I was a junior in high school just the other day. It's so weird to look back on how I thought my life was going to be. It's NOTHING like how it is right now. If somebody would have told me that when I was 20 years old I was going to be SINGLE...still living in the dorms...with the remains of a broken heart playing a part in everything I do...that I was going to be absolutely shitfaced 4 days out of most weeks....taking chances...and having mindless fun... - I would have laughed in their face. That's not me! ....I guess it wasn't me THEN. But it is most definitely me NOW. At one point I thought the break up was going to the worst thing that ever happened to me...the end of everything good...that my life was ruined. And for awhile...it was that way. But maybe I've finally seen that light? That light that brings you out of the darkness and allows you to really smile and feel good for the first time in a long time. Am I finally there? It seems that way...it seems that way. I think about all the fun I've had, and all the randomness, and how many things I would have never have gotten to do, if he hadn't said goodbye. If he hadn't left me. I could have lived without all these experiences if it meant I could have had him forever...without a doubt. But...he did leave. And I found a new me. And I think..I like the new me. She's crazy...and she's not as scared as she thought she was. :) Maybe I should thank him for giving me these opportunities? Nah...fuck that. I'm not thanking him for this broken heart. haha....I'm not thanking him..because deep down I still think I'd rather have him than any of this bullshit I've been living. But hey...that's life right? People make decisions and we live with the consequences? ....that's what I've learned. I guess maybe I just needed someone else to show true interest....to make me feel wanted again. To make me feel like I really am worth having. Ya know..I'm really NOT second best. I've never liked being second anything...and there's gotta be somebody out there that wouldn't dream of making me that way. I think maybe that's my biggest success recently...I've been thinking about ME. I've done what I wanted to do..I didn't listen to anybody the other night...I just did what felt right...and I'm so glad I did. It's what I needed. And I haven't been able to wipe this smile off of my face ever since. I forgot what it was all about. I kinda forgot about what someone making you happy feels like. At this point..I don't even care if it goes anywhere...I'm just happy to know it exists elsewhere. Happiness exists elsewhere. Don't get me wrong...I know where my heart BELONGS. but..I guess sometimes we don't always end up where we belong...we just end up where life takes us. I'm just going with it. For the first time in a long time..I'm just going with it. :)
...Created 2008-05-05 11:01:40

dots Journal: Life's Dare... dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
"I don't think I can live with that."

"The way things are right now...is not enough for me."

I've said both things in the past few weeks, and they are both so true. I can't live the rest of my life the way I've lived the past year and a half. Lost...Confused...Sad...Hurt...Empty...Frustrated...
Lonely...Tired...Scared. I've been it all. I've felt it all. I think that most people that feel those things have no idea how to make it better, how to make it right again. I guess I'm lucky. I know exactly how to make myself whole again. I know how to be happy again. I know how to be me again, but it involves having him in my life. Because honestly...he's what's missing. I was none of those things when I was with him...I was just one thing...and that was happy. I said it out loud..and I said it to him..I said..."I want to come to Texas." Do I REALLY wanna go to Texas? ha...when I think about it....naaaahhh...haha...I don't. I guess it all comes down to whether or not I honestly believe that Texas is where my heart is. Will being there make my life right again? I have no idea...I just know that if I'm in his arms...ALL is going to be right in my world. His arms always made everything right before. So ya...the way things are right now...is NOT enough for me. I can't live the rest of my life wondering how it would have been with him. And it's so easy...it would be so easy to just make a decision and go with it. As I told him...none of it matters if he doesn't want me there. None of it matters if he doesn't want ME. ....Would I go? Ya, I'd go. Would it work out? No clue. But at least I'd know the difference. At least I'd know SOMETHING. At least I'd know him and I could actually make it together in this world. I was ready to tackle the world with him at one point in my life, and I had all the faith in my heart that we could do some serious ass kicking to this world. Damn world...it beat me down the first time. Life fucked me royally a year and a half ago. And I feel like it's taunting me...it knows I'm not the kinda girl to get up and move anywhere. It knows I'm scared of EVERYTHING in this world. I feel like life is staring me in the face just DARING me to do what I KNOW is right. I feel like life is daring me to move a few states west and be with the man that I do still love. ----- Why should it feel like a dare? It's exactly what I want to do. It's exactly what I want to do.

Last thing...on the phone...we told each other we still love each other. And he said it..he said..it was really good to hear you say that again. ha...hearing HIM say it took my breath away. Just like it always did.

I miss you.

...Created 2008-04-18 21:47:31

dots Journal: Faithfully dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: Imagining...
How would it be? .....I ask myself that question every damn day, but in no way was I prepared to explain to HIM how I thought it would be. I know how I WISH it would be. If I'm honest with myself though...I know it would be nothing like how I wish. I guess that's because I wish it would be the same. And it's pretty much a given that nothing will EVER be the same. Not when it comes to him and me anyway. It's been too long...too much has been said...and too much has been done. I guess in my dreams....and ya...I've had dreams about it. ....There's just always an awkwardness. A nervousness....like neither one of us knows how to act. I guess that would be normal. We haven't seen each other in...years. But I guess that's what's weird in my dreams. Nothing is the same...and yet..I FEEL the same. I can feel him touch me...and that's still the same. We kiss...and that's the same too. The way he makes me smile...the way he makes fun of me...that feeling of being so completely comfortable with him...that's all the same. And ya...I think it still would be. After all..I'm still me. He's still him. I guess maybe that's what scares ME the most. Feeling the same way. I'm so scared he'd walk in the room...and he'd STILL take my breath away. I guess part of me knows that's exactly how it would be. He'd still be the best thing that ever happened to me. He'd still be the only man I've ever loved that deeply in my life...and he'd still be the man that I honestly believe is the one I should probably end up with. Shit, I've known that since I was 12. So how would it be? I guess all I can say is...It would be me. And it would be him. It'd be us. I'm not exactly sure what means anymore. But we've always been okay. We've always been great when we get together....and I can't imagine it being any different now. Like I told him...I just miss my friend. And I'd love to see him. .....I think he was just joking when he asked me why I couldn't come see him there where he is. .....Honestly...I don't care where it is. I joked that we might never ever ever see each other again. I sure hope not. I sure hope not.

Miss you.

Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
Youre on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sendin all my love
Along the wire

They say that the road
Aint no place to start a family
Right down the line
Its been you and me
And lovin a music man
Aint always what its supposed to be
Oh girl you stand by me
Im forever yours...faithfully

Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

And being apart aint easy
On this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
Im forever yours...faithfully

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Faithfully, Im still yours
Im forever yours
Ever yours...faithfully
...Created 2008-03-25 18:26:29

dots Journal: How Would It Be dots
-------------------------------------------Mood: Imagining...
How would it be? .....I ask myself that question every damn day, but in no way was I prepared to explain to HIM how I thought it would be. I know how I WISH it would be. If I'm honest with myself though...I know it would be nothing like how I wish. I guess that's because I wish it would be the same. And it's pretty much a given that nothing will EVER be the same. Not when it comes to him and me anyway. It's been too long...too much has been said...and too much has been done. I guess in my dreams....and ya...I've had dreams about it. ....There's just always an awkwardness. A nervousness....like neither one of us knows how to act. I guess that would be normal. We haven't seen each other in...years. But I guess that's what's weird in my dreams. Nothing is the same...and yet..I FEEL the same. I can feel him touch me...and that's still the same. We kiss...and that's the same too. The way he makes me smile...the way he makes fun of me...that feeling of being so completely comfortable with him...that's all the same. And ya...I think it still would be. After all..I'm still me. He's still him. I guess maybe that's what scares ME the most. Feeling the same way. I'm so scared he'd walk in the room...and he'd STILL take my breath away. I guess part of me knows that's exactly how it would be. He'd still be the best thing that ever happened to me. He'd still be the only man I've ever loved that deeply in my life...and he'd still be the man that I honestly believe is the one I should probably end up with. Shit, I've known that since I was 12. So how would it be? I guess all I can say is...It would be me. And it would be him. It'd be us. I'm not exactly sure what means anymore. But we've always been okay. We've always been great when we get together....and I can't imagine it being any different now. Like I told him...I just miss my friend. And I'd love to see him. .....I think he was just joking when he asked me why I couldn't come see him there where he is. .....Honestly...I don't care where it is. I joked that we might never ever ever see each other again. I sure hope not. I sure hope not.

Miss you.
...Created 2008-03-23 19:02:21

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.