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    poetry


    dotsJournal: Eclipsedots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: In Love

    I don't even know where I was when it hit me. All I know is...there is a word in my head and it won't go away. I can remember thinking, "that's what he is. that's the word I want." But it was weeks ago...and I never thought it again.

    He's a shadow. The past is a shadow. Our love is a shadow. Ha. Would you believe I just remembered why I used that word. There was an eclipse of the moon not long ago. And I looked up to the sky and I watched the moon lose the light shining on it...and I watched it slowly turn black as the shadow was cast on its surface. And I thought, holy shit, I am the fucking moon, and he is the shadow. He's always fucking there, and where there used to be light, there is a now a blackness that covers my outside and penetrates deep within.

    He's not even near me. Not even close. It's my own fault. It's gotta be my own fault. This shadow. This presence exists because I haven't told it to leave. It's almost a comfort to know he covers me, to know he walks with me. But ....this shadow is a heavy one. I carry it with me and it is not without burden.

    I'm not losing the shadow. I'd give anything to have his body next to mine....anything. If the shadow isn't there to constantly remind me I'm missing something...then I might actually start living like I'm whole. And no fucking way am I going to fool myself like that.



    Turnaround, every now and then I get a
    little bit lonely and you're never coming around
    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
    Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
    then I fall apart
    Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
    then I fall apart

    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit restless and I dream of something wild
    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
    Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
    little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
    Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
    then I fall apart
    Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
    then I fall apart

    And I need you now tonight
    And I need you more than ever
    And if you'll only hold me tight
    We'll be holding on forever
    And we'll only be making it right
    Cause we'll never be wrong together
    We can take it to the end of the line
    Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
    I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
    We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
    I really need you tonight
    Forever's gonna start tonight
    Forever's gonna start tonight

    Once upon a time I was falling in love
    But now I'm only falling apart
    There's nothing I can do
    A total eclipse of the heart
    Once upon a time there was light in my life
    But now there's only love in the dark
    Nothing I can say
    A total eclipse of the heart

    Turnaround bright eyes
    Turnaround bright eyes
    Turnaround, every now and then I know
    you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
    Turnaround, every now and then I know
    you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
    Turnaround, every now and then I know
    there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you
    Turnaround, every now and then I know
    there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
    Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
    then I fall apart
    Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
    then I fall apart

    And I need you now tonight
    And I need you more than ever
    And if you'll only hold me tight
    We'll be holding on forever
    And we'll only be making it right
    Cause we'll never be wrong together
    We can take it to the end of the line
    Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
    I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
    We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
    I really need you tonight
    Forever's gonna start tonight
    Forever's gonna start tonight

    Once upon a time I was falling in love
    But now I'm only falling apart
    There's nothing I can do
    A total eclipse of the heart
    Once upon a time there was light in my life
    But now there's only love in the dark
    Nothing I can say
    A total eclipse of the heart

    ...Created 2008-02-25 20:56:59

    dotsJournal: Where You Aredots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    Happy. Happier. Happiest. Me? I'll take the latter. I want to be the happiest person I can be. Sure there are going to be things...in my life that I don't like...parts that don't make sense, parts that just plain suck. I'm a college kid, and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life...what I want to "be." Fuck. The only thing I really wanna be in this life is Happy. Happiest. Ya...Happiest. I think that's why I love the movie The Pursuit of Happyness so much...the one with Will Smith? ....Great movie...but he says in that movie...He says..

    "It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"

    That part of the movie gets me every time. It's depressing as all hell...but it's true. I was talking to an old friend last night...and he told me he was happy...but he could be happier. But he's gonna stay put...I guess...for the .... Pursuit Of Happiness? ...I think that's it.

    So now I ask myself...have I ever been happy? Truly happy..did I ever pursue it..and find it. And I say...only once. Only once have I been TRULY happy in my life. Only once have I felt complete...whole..safe..protected..loved. It was with him. It was with the same friend that told me he could be happier. No kiddin...I could be happier too...with him. Maybe I don't NEED to pursue my happiness like he does...because honestly...I know where it lies. I know where it is. My happiness is thousands of miles away inside of a man that was my best friend at one point..my lover..my...everything. I want that man happy. More than anything...I want that man happy. Granted...I wanted to be the one to do that....but he's pursuing something. Happiness..
    Happiness. I guess what I've learned...is one...sometimes we never find it. And two...if we do...it's elusive. And it guarantees no promise of lasting. I treasure my happiness I found with him....and would I give up the world to have it again? .....Well I guess that's where the pursuit part comes in right? Happy isn't enough for me. Is it enough for anyone? This girl wants to be Happiest. I hate to settle for Happy. I refuse. We all deserve to be where we belong..with who we belong..at wherever with whoever makes us HAPPIEST. It's certainly different for us all...I DO know that. I guess the trick is to find even ground...where... two people end up in the same place, and they're exactly where they want to be. With each other...at a certain moment, at a certain time, in a certain place...and I think that's....Happiness. Sounds too good to not pursue it right? Mmm...I thought so too.


    So far away from where you are
    These miles have torn us worlds apart
    And I miss you
    Yeah, I miss you

    So far away from where you are
    Standing underneath the stars
    And I wish you were here

    I miss the years that were erased
    I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
    I miss all the little things
    I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
    Yeah, I miss you
    And I wish you were here

    I feel the beating of your heart
    I see the shadows of your face
    Just know that wherever you are
    Yeah, I miss you
    And I wish you were here

    I miss the years that were erased
    I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
    I miss all the little things
    I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
    Yeah, I miss you
    And I wish you were here

    So far away from where you are
    These miles have torn us worlds apart
    And I miss you
    Yeah, I miss you
    And I wish you were here

    ...Created 2008-01-30 14:24:28

    dotsJournal: The Pursuit...dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    Happy. Happier. Happiest. Me? I'll take the latter. I want to be the happiest person I can be. Sure there are going to be things...in my life that I don't like...parts that don't make sense, parts that just plain suck. I'm a college kid, and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life...what I want to "be." Fuck. The only thing I really wanna be in this life is Happy. Happiest. Ya...Happiest. I think that's why I love the movie The Pursuit of Happyness so much...the one with Will Smith? ....Great movie...but he says in that movie...He says..

    "It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"

    That part of the movie gets me every time. It's depressing as all hell...but it's true. I was talking to an old friend last night...and he told me he was happy...but he could be happier. But he's gonna stay put...I guess...for the .... Pursuit Of Happiness? ...I think that's it.

    So now I ask myself...have I ever been happy? Truly happy..did I ever pursue it..and find it. And I say...only once. Only once have I been TRULY happy in my life. Only once have I felt complete...whole..safe..protected..loved. It was with him. It was with the same friend that told me he could be happier. No kiddin...I could be happier too...with him. Maybe I don't NEED to pursue my happiness like he does...because honestly...I know where it lies. I know where it is. My happiness is thousands of miles away inside of a man that was my best friend at one point..my lover..my...everything. I want that man happy. More than anything...I want that man happy. Granted...I wanted to be the one to do that....but he's pursuing something. Happiness..

    Happiness. I guess what I've learned...is one...sometimes we never find it. And two...if we do...it's elusive. And it guarantees no promise of lasting. I treasure my happiness I found with him....and would I give up the world to have it again? .....Well I guess that's where the pursuit part comes in right? Happy isn't enough for me. Is it enough for anyone? This girl wants to be Happiest. I hate to settle for Happy. I refuse. We all deserve to be where we belong..with who we belong..at wherever with whoever makes us HAPPIEST. It's certainly different for us all...I DO know that. I guess the trick is to find even ground...where... two people end up in the same place, and they're exactly where they want to be. With each other...at a certain moment, at a certain time, in a certain place...and I think that's....Happiness. Sounds too good to not pursue it right? Mmm...I thought so too.

    ...Created 2008-01-20 18:27:08

    dotsJournal: new semesterdots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    Well, I head back to school tomorrow. I REALLY Enjoyed my vacation, but I'm ready to go back. I kinda forget how much I love being home..and how much I miss it, until I actually have a break and come back for an extended period of time. I went to basketball games, and hung out with my best friends that I never get to see anymore...I gossipped with the townies, I got incredibly drunk 95% of my time here...and I loved every minute. But...back to my life I guess. I have a lot of things waiting for me at school...lots of new opportunities this semester, and with the decisions I've made about how I'm going to live my life from now on, I feel like shit's gonna get interesting :) I'm excited for 2008. I think a lot of things have potential to change...and I'm okay with that :)

    So...I missed him a lot today. No idea why...it's hard to explain. But I get this ache sometimes. Like...I choke up and I'm on the verge of tears and my whole being just aches. There's no denying why. A part of me really is missing...and...living without a piece of yourself..well...it's different to say the least. I don't ache all the time...but shit...when it comes...it fucking hurts. I dunno what he's gonna do...all I know is I'd love to see him. It's been a long time...it's been too long... When I think about it...it's like a book. It's like...when you read a book and you're finished....you read the last page and if it was a GOOD book you sit there for a minute like fuck this was awesome and you think about what you just read....and then finally...you close the binding and it's done. THAT'S the end of the story. I really...we talked about closure..I mean...if it's the end....I'd really like to close the fucking book. It's like I'm still sitting there with the book in my lap thinking to myself, shit that was awesome....maybe I should just be able to shut the thing by myself...but honestly...I need a hand. If it has to be done..I'd rather shut the book together.

    I'm off to bed....gotta drive ahead of me tomorrow. Miss you.

    ...Created 2008-01-12 21:54:06

    dotsJournal: Never Too Latedots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual

    This world will never be
    What I expected
    And if I don't belong
    Who would have guessed it
    I will not leave alone
    Everything that I own
    To make you feel like it's not too late
    It's never too late

    Even if I say
    It'll be alright
    Still I hear you say
    You want to end your life
    Now and again we try
    To just stay alive
    Maybe we'll turn it around
    'Cause it's not too late
    It's never too late

    No one will ever see
    This side reflected
    And if there's something wrong
    Who would have guessed it
    And I have left alone
    Everything that I own
    To make you feel like
    It's not too late
    It's never too late

    Even if I say
    It'll be alright
    Still I hear you say
    You want to end your life
    Now and again we try
    To just stay alive
    Maybe we'll turn it around
    'Cause it's not too late
    It's never too late

    The world we knew
    Won't come back
    The time we've lost
    Can't get back
    The life we had
    Won't be ours again

    This world will never be
    What I expected
    And if I don't belong

    Even if I say
    It'll be alright
    Still I hear you say
    You want to end your life
    Now and again we try
    To just stay alive
    Maybe we'll turn it around
    'Cause it's not too late
    It's never too late
    Maybe we'll turn it around
    'Cause it's not too late
    It's never too late (It's never too late)
    It's not too late
    It's never too late




    I love this song...some things in this life are most certainly lost forever. Others...it's never too late to get them back. It's never too late.

    ...Created 2008-01-07 12:10:40

    dotsJournal: Whydots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: The Usual


    Why, do you always do this to me?
    Why, couldn't you just see through me?
    How come, you act like this
    Like you just don't care at all

    Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
    I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
    I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

    It's not supposed to feel this way
    I need you, I need you
    More and more each day
    It's not supposed to hurt this way
    I need you, I need you, I need you
    Tell me, are you and me still together?
    Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
    Tell me, why

    Hey, listen to what we're not saying
    Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
    Try, to look at me and really see my heart

    Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
    I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away
    I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

    It's not supposed to feel this way
    I need you, I need you
    More and more each day
    It's not supposed to hurt this way
    I need you, I need you, I need you
    Tell me, are you and me still together?
    Tell me, you think we could last forever?
    Tell me, why

    So go and think about whatever you need to think about
    Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
    And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
    I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
    I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

    It's not supposed to hurt this way
    I need you, I need you
    More and more each day
    It's not supposed to hurt this way
    I need you, I need you, I need you
    Tell me

    It's not supposed to hurt this way
    I need you, I need you
    More and more each day
    It's not supposed to hurt this way
    I need you, I need you, I need you
    Tell me, are you and me still together?
    Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
    Tell me, why

    ...Created 2008-01-07 11:33:10

    dotsJournal: Finallydots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: awake and sober

    *sigh* Wow....you kill me you know that? :)

    Well, if you're going to be honest....which...by the way...I'm so fucking happy that you wrote that....because...the only time I feel like we have anything even CLOSE to closure IS when you're honest. I just like hearing the God's honest truth with what's going on with you. So ya..if you're going to be honest....I guess I just have honest questions...

    How do you live being scared to death? You say that you're confused...about everything?! ...and yet...things are not bad? You're in a good place? I guess the only reason I KINDA understand that is because you said you'd do anything to accomplish your dreams....even live scared and confused and with a "bleak outlook on things." That seems sad to me hun. I'm so happy that music is your outlet...that you can find peace in everything around you...in that...but holy shit...I really fucking hope it works out for you...because the thought of you living the rest of your in life in... "stagnant waters" breaks my fucking heart. You deserve so much better...you've worked too hard to have anything less.

    Thank you for your honest words about...us. It's funny ya know? To read you say that when you left me you left your soul with me. It's funny because...when you left...you took mine with you. Know what that means? We're walking around with each other's souls. haha...I guess it'd be more funny if it wasn't so damn heartbreaking. I too cannot love anyone the way I loved you. You say you've tried. Truth?...I haven't even tried. haha...the thought of me trying to love someone that isn't named your name...that's what scares ME to death. Honestly. You're damn right about the closure. We didn't have any. Shit, I'm still waiting for that. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wanna book a flight to Texas....see you for like 5 minutes...give you a hug and a kiss..look you straight in the eyes...and say GOODBYE. Just so it would feel more like an ending. Weird huh? Hun...you left me behind...but you never treated me bad. Never ever have I ever thought you treated me bad. I don't think that...don't you think that. I love you too. Sure as shit.

    When you said that it seems like you've let people down with you are....I just wanna say...and I've said it before...you're the best man I know. Friggin treat yourself like the best man that I know...okay?

    I miss you like hell. Take care of yourself...you know where I live if you need me. :) Or you at least know my email. :) Take care hun.

    love, me

    ...Created 2007-12-15 10:40:31

    dotsJournal: Mr. Scrufflesdots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: same as always...

    Sooooo...is it weird that I had a conversation with my teddy bear today? Ya...THAT teddy bear...Mr. Scruffles...the one HE gave to me. I dunno...I laid down on my bed....and Mr. Scruffles had hair all in his eyes...and half of his leg was falling down the crack between my bed and my dresser and he just looked like shit. And I was like oh mr scruffles don't look so sad!! So I propped him up and fixed his eyes...and...he still looked sadder than hell. So I told him again, "Don't look so sad! Whatcha sad for? Got any answers for why you're so sad?" He didn't say anything back..so I just looked at him and said... "Ya...me either." I left him in the corner...shut my eyes and tried to sleep. Sometimes I wonder who's eyes I'm actually looking at when I look at that bear. Are they Mr. Scruffles eyes? Are they my eyes? Or are they HIS eyes? Cus I swear I see some blue in Mr. Scruffles big brown ones. Wouldn't that be something? ..... I'm out. Me and my sad bear need to get some sleep.

    ...Created 2007-12-11 21:26:43

    dotsJournal: Waaay back whendots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: what else is new?

    I told my best friend, my girlfriend of almost 3 years, i told her that all i want to do when i get home, is go out to a pit with a 5th of bacardi 151, start a huge bonfire, blare some black label society, and just scream, man, just scream my damn lungs out. You want to know what that beautiful girl said back to me? She asked if she could come too! can you believe that? Is that a keeper or what? I wanna drink cause it hurts, just go out and scream all my demons away, and she wants to be there, she wants to see that? I gotta say she pretty much amazed me right there. I love her, I really do, and I know i do and I probably always will. I know I always will. God, I dream about her, I feel her, I smell her and ache for her, suffering overdue though...lol. I need her, that scares me, it really does, I mean, i've never needed anyone or anything in my life...but now i know i need her, i don't know how it would be without her, you think that i would after being away for so long, but i don't want to find out how it would be if she was really gone. It's all so confusing and good at the same time, i just need to go home and pull that little stunt i was talking about before.


    i lounged around all day, time for work tomorrow, and that is never good. oh well right? i talked with ashley for a good portion of the day. we talk about a lot of shit sometimes. i have never known anyone to have the ability to lift me like she does. i love that girl. she is the first one i could actually say that, and totally mean it. this love happens to me and here i am, in a whole other country? does that seem fair? i guess that is true to life. hey, i'll get through it. i always have. i just hope i can make it through with her. anyway i gotta get goin. im out for now



    soo...I found these. Didn't have to look too hard I guess....right in his journal. I cried...I cried my damn eyes out...cus he meant every damn word and he didn't even know I was reading his words....I guess that's when you know it's real....when they can say it when you're not even there. When he doesn't think you're listening. ....ha...I remember asking him if I could come too...while he got drunk and screamed his lungs out. It's weird that he thought that was so funny...didn't he know I just wanted to be with him? Wherever he was...whether he was happy as a clam...or screaming his lungs out in the middle of the woods? It didn't make any difference to me...I loved him just the same. I loved every part of him...and Just wanted to be near him. Wherever that was. Some things never change..... sometimes it's just nice to look back...to find things that proved it was real...at one time...


    I miss you.

    ...Created 2007-12-06 18:46:39

    dotsJournal: Fool....dots
    -------------------------------------------
    Mood: Confused....for sure...

    Finally November is coming to a close. It's a hard month for me...I don't know when the time will come when it's just like any other month...but for now...for this year...it's been absolutely horrible. I went home for Thanksgiving...and got a little drunk on with my friends. We got back to my friend's apt...and I fell into bed with my friend Pat...haha...JUST a friend...totally. And we were all drunk...and he asked me..."ashley, why are you the way you are?" I had no idea what he was talking about...and he goes, "why are you single? Why are you keeping it that way?" That confused me to no end. I told him that I don't LIKE being single...that I'm so ready to have a boyfriend...hell I go out every night LOOKING for one!! The thing is..I don't even know Pat that well..only hung out with him a handful of times...he certainly doesn't know me that well...and he started saying things...that just...they made me think. He told me that there's a wall in front of me...an impassable wall and I've decided that no one's getting through it. He said I don't WANT anyone to get through it. I don't think that's right...is there a wall? Absolutely..I put it there. But I am BEGGING somebody to care enough to break it down. He said I care too much. He said I freak out over nothing. For example he put his head on my stomach and I was like omg what are you doing? Get off of me...can you hear my stomach working? haha...and he was like see? I proved his point...the guy had his head on my belly...and I couldn't just take it for what it was...and relax. He said that guys flirt with me all the time??!! What? That is SUCH news to me....he said he sees it....he said that guys like me because I give a shit. When I go out ...I dress up and I do my hair..and I look nice. I care about my appearance and how I present myself. He said he's seen me shoot guys down. That I'll smile and be nice and talk and be social...but it's so obvious I have no intentions of REALLY letting those guys anywhere near me. Sure meaningless...Stuff...happens when I drink...but...he said I have no intentions of really letting them in. I didn't even know what to say. I don't think it's like that....When I talk to guys...I WANT them to be somebody I want. I want them to be somebody I can let in. There just hasn't been anyone worth that to me yet. Not since him. OH - and he said that it's obvious I'm looking for something specific. Which...that's true. I like certain guys that are a certain way. That doesn't mean I'm not open to different types of guys though. I don't know...I don't know if he was drunk and talking out of his ass...Obviously I find there to be some truth in a lot of what he said...and that scares me. Because if what he said is true...I know exactly why it's true. Yes I'm uptight. Yes I freak out over everything. Yes I think too much. Yes I'm looking for something specific. Fuck that..okay no lying...I'm looking for SOMEONE specific...but he ain't walking through my door anytime soon...if ever. Basically...if a virtual STRANGER can see all of these things about me...that scares me. Those are my truths. Those are my truths that I THOUGHT were only mine. But come to find out they're written all over my face....and painted over everything I do?! I've never been a good damn liar...never had a poker face...I guess I don't have a poker heart either. Because apparently what I feel in my heart...IS thrown out there for everyone to see. And I thought I was fooling somebody. *sigh* And I was. I was fooling myself. The lesson I learned? Don't get drunk and get in bed with a stranger that's going to turn out to know everything about you. It makes for a very confusing next few days.

    I miss you.

    ...Created 2007-11-26 21:53:08

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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