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    dotsJournal: is this love?dots
    Mood: Straightening things out...

    So i'm studying abroad in Florence and way back on the first night here I was hanging out at this Irish bar. There were a lot of attractive girls dressed up to catch a man's eye. At one point I turned around and my eyes came upon a girl who had just entered. My reaction was like "woa..." She was dressed very conservatively and seemed mostly ignored by the guys there...but I was instantly drawn to her.

    I've been spending time with her and my feelings for her while we were in Rome with a bunch of other students. Then when we were in venice I realized how powerful and deep my affection for her really was. Venice, city of romance, of all places. I didn't want to feel like this but I can't help it. I'm overwhelmed and when I look into her eyes I am profoundly stirred.

    I confessed my affection for her (very romantic and poetic like in person) but she met someone during her visit to Ireland over spring break. So we are friends and i'm trying so very hard to make my feelings platonic...but they are so utterly powerful. The effect she has on me goes against my reason and better judgement but I can't help but be entranced by her. I thought I was immune to this sort of thing. I just saw her walk into the room as i write this and I feel this anxious warmth in my heart. The more I learn about her the more i'm attracted to her.

    I don't know if this is "love." after all "love" is just noises and scribbles used to describe a wide and changing range of emotions and connections. However...I must admit I'm terrified of that word "love." I've been in love before and...i'm scared, especially since this girl doesn't have romantic affection for me...or at least to much current knowledge. However the only thing I could compare these incredible emotions to is that which i felt for the girl I fell in love with in the past. I don't want to say I "love" this girl...but i'm not sure how long I can keep denying that is what i feel. Honestly, though I try not to focus on it, I think one could legitimately say I've fallen in love with this girl. Oh the agony is both terrible and wonderful at the same time.

    ...Created 2009-04-08 07:11:49

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    pushing forward. Grief from my father's death is still pretty bad and i fear that it will get worse when i resume my studies in philosphy.

    Lot a poem ideas, but i've been slow to write.
    so i havn't been very active on this site.

    ...Created 2008-08-03 06:02:28

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Sad

    My father died on december 1st around 3:00am. I watched it happen and it was pretty brutal. My mother gave him CPR in between her cries of agony and paniced horror. My sister assisted her in any way she could while I gave directions to the 911 person over all the chaos. The Paramedics worked on him for about half an hour. Examination of the body revealed that he died due to a rupture in a artery near his heart that caused a very quick death due to massive internal bleeding. There was nothing anyone could do.

    It has been very difficult for myself and my family. The family friends that knew him well have also been hit hard. I still can't really believe it all and it has yet to truelly hit me. My mental and emotional stability has been degrading though. Hey, when that happens it's one of the best times to write poetry right? At least i got that going for me. So far I have started two seperate pieces and will post them when they are completed.

    ...Created 2007-12-06 15:33:24

    dotsJournal: Bertrand Russeldots
    Mood: Thinking...

    This may seem a little long but i strongly urge you to take the time and read it. It's a segment from a powerful piece of writting which moved me a great deal.

    This is a segment from the second to last page of "A Free Man's Worship" by Bertrand Russell (A philosipher 1872-1970). It's a short (about six pages long) but beautiful piece of writting, which addresses the question of "what is of worth in a godless universe that holds no meaning other than what we assign it?" Some have interpreted it has atheistic and others as profoundly religous. i guess you can decide there. again, this is a amazingly well written piece and i very, and most highly recommend it.

    “In the spectacle of death, in the endurance of intolerable pain, and in the irrevocableness of a vanished past, there is a sacredness, an overpowering awe, a feeling of the vastness of existence, in which, as by some strange marriage of pain, the sufferer is bound to the world by bonds of sorrow. In these moments of insight, we lose all eagerness of temporary desire, all struggling and striving for petty ends, all care for the little trivial things that, to a superficial view, make up the common life of day by day; we see, surrounding the narrow raft illumined by the flickering light of human comradeship, the dark ocean on whose rolling waves we toss for a brief hour; from the great night without, a chill blasts in upon our refuge; all the loneliness of humanity and hostile force is concentrated upon the individual soul, which must struggle, with what courage it can command, against the whole weight of a universe that cares nothing for its hopes and fears. Victory, in this struggle with the powers of darkness, is the true baptism into the glorious company of heroes, the true initiation into the overmastering beauty of human existence.”

    If you wish to read it in it's entirety here is a link i found to it. by the way, this piece is in part a reaction to something another person wrote. So the begining of this is not Bertrand Rusell's writting but a segment of what he is reacting to, that he put at the begining of his writting

    I hope you enjoy it.

    ...Created 2007-05-06 14:41:35

    dotsJournal: a social ironydots
    Mood: The Usual

    Perhaps one of the greater ironies I’ve encountered in my life is that many of those who were shun, outcast, picked on, bullied, teased cruelly or generally disliked the they way they were treated by others some time in their k-12th grade school years, are more than willing to return the same treatment upon others they dislike. One would believe that having gone through social rejection themselves, they would not in turn socially reject others in the same manner due to the empathy their personal experiences gave them. Sadly, this often doesn’t seem to be the case

    ...Created 2007-05-06 14:06:28

    dotsJournal: Is dark needed?dots
    Mood: Thinking...

    When I think of all those i've had more intellectual or deeply contemplative conversations with, all who I know more personally have had to deal with turmoil and pain of some form during thier lives. Of those i don't know very well personally, there usually seems to be something to suggest that they too have wandered through the dark. I think it is safe to assume that Intellegence often increases with the efforts to adapt to the challenges and changes one encounters. Could it be the breaking of the calm in one's life, the chaos,pain,confusion,frustration and desperation that stimulates and accelerates the development of higher and deeper thought? That our attempts to adapt and make sense of a world, both internal and external, that makes no sense at all, is what brings out greater insight and deeper thought? Is chaos...pain,anguish...Is darkness in one's life nessiary for the development of deeply contemplateing one'self and the world around you?

    ...Created 2007-01-20 20:32:32

    dotsJournal: well...dots
    Mood: Relaxing

    It's been a while since i've been on here. I don't know exactly what to put here. ah i think i might touch lightly on a fairly complex thing.

    I am not a very religious person. I don't usually go to church. I don't know if there is a god in the sense of how people describe him, or it.

    I cannot deny the existance of something much greater than myself. A force that flows through me and that i feel almost everywhere i am. When i walk through the woods, i feel the life around me. The energy of it penitrates me and when i am open, gives me a peace that i experience no where else. I guess you could say it's my own cathedral.

    When i let myself be open to it, it seems to guide and comfort me no matter where i am. it works in ways i cannot even begin to fully understand. Call it god, spirit, or whatever you like.

    I don't know if i can truely find a word for it.

    ...Created 2006-06-28 01:39:16

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Sigh...

    i've put the date for delivering my poems after the weekend now. it seemed a more prudent decistion.

    ...Created 2006-05-27 02:47:15

    dotsJournal: !!!!!!!!!dots
    Mood: Stressed

    ok so i'm pretty sure this is it. I have spent a lot of last night and this morning trying to finish my fairwell gift to a girl who means a lot to me. I want to give it to her today so i am completely stressing out on finishing in time and giving it to her. wish me luck, this is going to be very difficult.

    ...Created 2006-05-26 11:18:44

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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