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    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Depressed

    I knew that episode was going to be triggering. But I watched it anyway. And I search things I don't want to and I feel things I don't want to. It's going to be a wine and sad poetry night. I'm thirty. And this is stupid. Isn't there supposed to be an age cap on emotional baggage? An expiration date on trauma? Someday I won't have to think these thoughts and feel these feelings right? I wish I could afford to go back to therapy. My therapist. Not someone new. I miss her.

    ...Created 2021-01-18 04:43:52

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    I'm done with you. This will be the last time I give a shit about you. Take note.

    ...Created 2013-04-22 17:17:07

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    Sometimes all I want to do is sob red wine. Weep in copious amounts and sob it up with my skin. Rinse. Repeat.

    ...Created 2013-03-19 23:42:01

    dotsJournal: Nothing really.dots
    Mood: Tokyo Rose

    Nothing really new to report, just that I'm happy again. In the sense that I feel whole, knowing where i want to go, and that finally the little pieces of my soul have returned.

    ...Created 2008-04-13 19:56:08

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    i'm tired of having to scroll so much...SO GLAD NOT TO BE PREGNANT!!! ^_^ not that i thought i was but just a good thing.

    ...Created 2007-11-13 22:50:12

    dotsJournal: I have thisdots
    Mood: Lonely

    Obsessive Love Disorder: A Profile
    Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFCC

    This is an excerpt from the full length article, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OC): A Profile. It is written to include only the pathological aspects of the disorder with full recognition that healthy aspects of behavior do exist.

    According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (American Psychiatric Association, 1994)… "the essential features of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are recurrent obsessions or compulsions that are severe enough to be time consuming (i, they take more than 1 hour a day) or cause marked distress or significant impairment".

    Obsessions Are A True Anxiety Disorder…

    Obsessions are a true anxiety disorder created in response to a very stressful, overwhelming and painful situation. A crazy family, school or work environment may cause an over-anxious or emotionally injured person to escape these painful realities by retreating to a safer, although sometimes uncomfortable, world of fantasy and obsessions. This obsessive world is created by an intense deprivation of wish and need fulfillment. Because basic needs of love, nurturance and acceptance have been denied, the injured person "trips" to the world of obsessions to avoid feeling internal anxiety.

    The development of an obsessional disorder is similar to the development of other types of disorders. Generally speaking, when an infant is denied the presence of a significant other (parent), the baby will innately scream and cry out in order to communicate with a parent. This painful screaming cry is the infant's primal attempt at getting a parent to respond to a real need (the cry is "Mama, I need you"). If there is no parental response, the child will go into extreme shock, as every cell in the body aches for love and attention. Unfortunately, the child eventually stops crying, goes emotionally dead, stops feeling and becomes crazy. Thus begins the escape and retreat into the psyche and the development of a mental disorder. Continual parental unresponsiveness will cause a systematic and methodical closing down and denial of the child's real self. The child is left wondering why someone doesn't come to relieve the pain.

    Suffering until a parent comes, the child becomes a candidate for disturbing obsessions and an obsessive love disorder. In order to survive, a retreat into an unreal, unfeeling world of obsessive love fantasies will be necessary. It is from this fantasy world that, as an adult, the individual will obsess about seducing a sought after lover, perhaps a fatal attraction, who is misperceived as being able to provide all of the narcissistic nutrients (love) that were needed in infancy. Narcissistically, the adult longs to return to that very unique and special place of nirvanic union and exclusive intimacy with mother. Intense pain is caused by the casting out and separation from the world of perfect union with mother, never to return again.

    Father may be experienced as highly evaluative, punitive and critical. As such, the child may grow up feeling criticized, disapproved of and not good enough. Without early childhood needs and feelings attended to, a sense of not being valued will create powerful feelings of trauma and inadequacy. Strong terror emotions permeate the psychic and interpersonal life of the obsessive person. The child is literally terrorized, especially if punishment is of the "banishment to your room" type. The child's needs are completely ignored in deference to the parent's need for power and authority. The dictum is: father is always right and the child is always wrong.

    The father wound may be exasperated by unfair comparisons to other children and families. For the child, the ensuing feeling is "there is something wrong with me". The parent literally distorts the inner being of the child which may manifest as psychotic episodes when the child reaches young adulthood. Since the child needs to love and idolize the father, s/he will feel like a disappointment to him. This will necessitate a withdrawal into a fantasy world as a defense against an excruciating reality.

    The father himself may possess an obsessive compulsive mental and/or personality disorder as a means of denying his own pain. He becomes emotionally intrusive and inaccessible to his children. If a father is unable to take in and receive his young daughter's love, the need to express the passionate part of her libido is blocked. She then redirects her love energy into a world of anxious fantasy, unmet need and obsession. The same is true in the mother/son relationship. As such, the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder becomes an attempt to neurotically resolve the child's dilemma.

    The young child grows into adulthood arrested at an earlier stage, continually failing to establish normal, healthy, bonded love relationships. Instability in the parental relationship has left the child traumatized, anxious, fearful and erotically aroused when there is anticipation of contact with a symbolic, parental love object. S/he becomes attracted to and fixated on unavailable and emotionally inaccessible partners, many of which do not feel the same way about him/her. This struggle between partners is actually a deflection from the fact that Obsessives do not want to feel their own terror.

    Many obsessional people suffer difficulties that stem from birth trauma. The impact of birth trauma creates a strong unconscious need to cling and hang onto mother. Consequently, many obsessives possess a powerful desire to cling to a desired lover. However, they suppress this desire by cutting off sexual feelings from the emotions of love and need. Obsessives experience a double bind situation: separation is very painful, while contact is very frightening.

    Since an obsessional disorder is characterized by anxiety, terror becomes internalized and well disguised. This produces tension which manifests itself differently than other anxiety disorders. Terror is directed towards the ideational rather than the motor realm. As a young child, the obsessive person may be afraid of being watched or being in front of people in a particular room or locale. The child just wants to go away and hide, but all escape routes are cut off. With the home environment being so painful, she or he becomes emotionally frozen. Since running away is not possible, the only available means of escape is the retreat to the head and the unreal world of fantasies and obsessions. Shame of the self develops as she or he cannot meet the expectations of the critical inner parent. The child's world is one of constant tension, a living hell without relief or physical escape, where fantasy becomes the only option.

    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a debilitating and destructive disorder. However, it can be minimized with therapy. If you or someone you know displays more than half of these behavioral characteristics, please seek qualified professional help.

    ...Created 2007-06-19 02:30:43

    dotsJournal: Sad Newsdots
    Mood: Rant

    it's crazy how one relationship can ruin and people go insane. One person cheats and 33 people die and 29 wounded? Was she really that perfect? Perfection of deaths? I don't understand how that happens. I can saddly understand how you're pushed and pushed till one day you snap but your girlfriend cheats on you and you deserve to have the biggest massacre in u.s. history. 33 Lives of sisters and brothers and even fathers and people who could have changed the world. Peaple who could have bettered our society. But now all they'll be is another sad tale in the history books for people to say "aww so sad" and then watch their day time tv. How did this happen? How did we become this? Is it the fault of the parents? Is it socety? Was he just messed up? What is the fault? I think everything contributes. We can't just slap the blame on the hand of whoever looks like the scapegoat. I hope after this maybe we can take a good look at what a country founded on free speach and diversity, has become a battle ground for young people, teachers, people. Humans, who have lives, who have so much to look forward to. But not anymore.

    ...Created 2007-04-17 22:28:28

    dotsJournal: storage againdots
    Mood: The Usual

    ...Created 2007-03-08 11:23:28

    dotsJournal: i need a placedots
    Mood: Guess what!?

    to store this info so i can save it.

    ...Created 2006-10-15 11:25:35

    dotsJournal: cryingdots
    Mood: The Usual

    crying is kind of annoying...
    i suppose to me. but just seeing other people cry just makes me want to hit them....
    some people believe that you can't help but crying, but if you have to go somewhere private. cry in the shower. cry while everyone's asleep. i don't understand. crying in front of people is ridiculus. what are they supposed to do? but look with a "look" of concern and then forget right after they leave you.
    dunno...just watching bunch of people cry on tv and it's sad....not sad, like i want to cry but kind of pathetic. i feel completly comfortable letting people cry in front of me when all they really want is a hug. but some people they just want you to sit there and if you know me but at all. i can't handle sitchuations that i can't fix in some way. i think that's one of the reasons why i was a cutter. i couldn't hurt the people that were hurting me and so i hurt myself to feel somesort of control. i guess that's phyco and controling but w/e.

    ...Created 2006-09-18 21:47:20

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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