Journal: What Happened? -------------------------------------------
Mood: In LoveHow wonderful is it to fall in love? Completely, utterly lose yourself in someone else, forget who you are. Become something you never thought you could be, care about yourself more, and care about that one special person...
I've fallen head over heels, despite myself. I tried to hold my guard up and refused to let myself feel for a while. But something so wonderful, strongly incredible cannot be denied... Its something that takes over you, consumes you mind, body, soul, and heart. Bruises heal up, wounds close, tears dry up, and smiles take the place of the frown stapled on my face. I laugh at everything, amused by life and its obstacles. Feeling like I can do whatever it is desire, because I know that there is someone out there that believes in me, cares for me, is there for me, and makes me someone amazing.
He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to succeed, live a life, be happy, and make him happy. I think I would sacrifice all I am to ensure that he is happy. That life cannot wear him down because he knows I am there. I want him to believe that we could do anything, together. Two hearts beating as one, intertwined, and stronger than anything in this world. I want to wake each morning to his face, and drift off to sleep with his hand in mine. Perhaps I will obtain what I desire, one day...
I have never in my entire life felt this way before. And I can't put it into words. Which is odd for me. Putting my soul on paper is always what I've done best, but this is so... wow, that I can't seem to find a word, a stanza, to justify its brilliance. No star is bright enough, no heart beat strong enough, no poem beautiful enough to describe just how I am feeling. My tears burn as they fall, but I no longer weep over everyday woes. I no longer wake and wish I hadn't. My dreams consist of something so beautiful that they cannot be forgotten. I fantasize I'm his, forever and always. I want to have the chance to look into his eyes, get lost, everyday. I want to know that he is there, and he won't leave. And that he will love me until the sky falls. Something so fantastic, taken over me.
I've lost myself, and I don't mind. I'm not frightened by what I feel. I feel alive, beautiful, and I know that this is something I cannot let go of. He holds my heart in his hands. As scarred and bruised as it may be, its precious, fragile, and full of love that I could drown him in, if he will allow me the pleasure.
If I was told that I were to choose between taking one last breath, or telling him that I loved him before I died. I would take one last breath, and tell him that I loved him. Death himself could not keep me from letting the world know just how I feel, for its written on my smile, mixed in with my voice, and shines brightly with my laughter. I can't hide how I feel, its too amazing, and to have been captured by him, abducted by the way he makes me feel... I love him. I used to doubt that love existed, that it was only a fad. But now I know, its as real as you and me, and it exists for us. The one thing in life that is worth living for.
I will muster up the courage to tell him this one day. I know that I will not mind if he doesn't love me back, because this love I feel for him, is something out of my control, and if he can't feel these things for me, I would hope that he at least understands that I can't drop how I feel, and I can only pray it doesn't terrify him. I spend every passing second of my day thinking of him, smiling, seeing things so differently. And I don't ever want to lose this, ever......Created 2006-12-09 23:05:40
Mood: LonelyI've decided things will never get better. Life will continuously torture me, and I will endure until the day I pass...
...Ok, thats fine. Maybe I was looking at things the wrong way. That I was letting the bad overweigh the good, and perhaps I would be much better off letting the little things in life that amuse, inspire, and make me laugh should get my full attention, and that dwelling on what is depressing, harmful, and painful isn't what life is about.
I think that the one thing I have found, to make me so happy, is what I need to let run my life. Let my life revolve around this one thing, let myself go and fall into the well of love.. drown and hope that I will never come to regret it! My dreams and thoughts dwell on this one thing, it keeps me from losing myself to depression day in and day out. And if this one thing is all that will do it for me, then this one thing I will focus my life on. I will make things beautiful for myself, and find happiness along the road. I will never give up, I'd give everything that I am to make sure that I am happy, I will make things about me for once, and see where I end up. Of course I won't be completely self absorbed, but as far as sacrifice... I will only do it if I know that it won't lead me to hurt again, I will only give up something if I know that I will not regret it.
I believe in myself, even if there is no one else that does. I have something... that no one else does. I am strong, smart, logical, and longing for a happy life, I know that I can find what it is I need the most to be a "happy" person. I don't think that being content is enough. I want to wake every morning grateful that I am able to take in a breath, and go to sleep every night grateful that I am able to dream......Created 2006-12-09 06:09:49
Mood: ConfusedMistreated over and over... Left behind by the whole world. I feel like I've been asleep for a thousand years, and wake to a world I can't survive in. It will eat me alive and think nothing more of me. I wouldn't doubt that if it did, there would only be a handful of people that would care enough to spare me a last thought. If even that much.
... I can see a world without me, without so much to deal with. I feel like a burden to all the people I have any kind of contact with. Because I can't get on my feet. Hell I can't find them! I feel like I'm standing on my hands and spinning in a counter clockwise circle, and I can't see where I'll fall, or if anyone is around to catch me. Every time I think things might be ok, life throws another goddamned lemon at me lol.
Maybe this is what I get. Punishment for all the poor decisions made. One stripe after another.. It never stops....Created 2006-12-06 17:04:15
Mood: Too much at once...I've done it again. Fucked up something... Just because of who I associate myself with. Its really fucked up that I can't be friends with whom I please because of the friends I have don't like each other....
...Being understand of all kinds of people. Being sensitive to all the people I come in contact with, and wanting to associate myself with all of them. I can't deal with it anymore. Perhaps I was right to assume that I am better of alone, completely. I have no good reason to keep in touch with the outside world, and there was much less drama when I would lock down and shut off from everyone around me. I'm guessing that life could be better if I thought there was no one else but myself to worry over.
My heart goes out to everyone I love, care about, or anyone that confides in me, or needs me there. I like to be needed, and I can't deal with friends hating other friends, and giving me shit over it all. I need to run away, mentally. Lose them all in a fierce sea of forgetfulness deep inside my growing cold heart. I would like that, to watch everyone around me drown in my apathy... Yes, I'm over it.......Created 2006-12-02 17:21:11
Mood: Moo! 0.oI'm not sure what to feel anymore...
Thoughts are so tangled, and painful to have... I feel lost, confused, overwhelmed, wonderful, hateful, pissy, happy, tired, amused, exhausted... and all I can do is jot it all down, to find none of it makes sense...
FUCK.... my new word... favorite adjective among many... it fits alot of things, more convienient... So what, I cursed... Slap me with a splintered ruler and send me to the corner to weep
I'm missing something, hollow, full of emptiness and sorrow to fill the void I have found. Something is gone, that I once had, for I am not my self...
I'm over it!
~Your Lady of Eternal Sorrow~...Created 2006-11-26 23:33:44
Mood: KILL!!!I'm really aggravated. The ONE fucking thing I want in life, is being ripped away from me. Slowly but surely, I am losing it, and I can't take it. People can't mind their own god damned business and let people live! I need this... I want it so... I have never asked for anything in my life. Never have I begged and pleaded, I have only gave and lived for others... And the ONE time in my life I found something I want, that makes me happy, other people can't stand it.... I am so fucking frustrated.. and tired. Its exhausting to fight for what you want. And it hurts to know that you could have it... if only other people would want you to be happy too. These others don't give a damn about my happiness, they play games with my emotions and toy around with my life to amuse themselves. As far as I'm concerned, they can all go to hell. Burn eternally, writhe in pain until the sky falls, and be denied the right to cry.. Fuckers... I'm over it....Created 2006-11-25 22:40:31
Journal: Hold On Tight -------------------------------------------
Mood: FrustratedI am so sick of people trying to force this marriage councelling shit on me. You know, people don't get that when I asked my husband to leave, its because I had thought it through, made my decision, and when my mind is made up, thats it. No arguments damn it! Why can't people keep their noses on their face, instead of in my business? What happens between spouses, is just between them, and NO ONE ELSE!!! Gawd, I know why people do this. The whole religion thing, oh divorce is bad, sin, oh my fucking gawd. You know what? I don't give a flying rats' ass! I know what I want, what I think is best for me, and I will be god damned if I'm gonna let someone else, that has no fucking clue whats going on, try to tell me how to handle my marital problems... Grr. Fuckers....Created 2006-11-24 14:33:46
Mood: Moo! 0.oI'm moving... again. Will make the sixth time in two months time... Holy Crap! Tis ok though, I have good reason for moving. I hate the god-awful place I'm moving to, but I get to go back to school. Maybe pack in a Creative Writing class or something. Woot! I'm excited and regretting this at the same time. I am leaving something very special to me behind to do this. Tis like the saying goes, Humankind must give up something in order to obtain. Oh well, its Halloween, I'm gonna go be happy at least for a while. I'm such a good actress.......Created 2006-10-31 17:07:24
Mood: Dead SexyI've had the best weekend ever. Well, twasn't perfect, but it was close enough for me. Somehow, I can smile without feeling a hint of deception. I have a reason to smile, a good one, and the smile is real... Its amazing.. (BTW Check out the revised ending to Scattered Ashes, let me know what you think.) Tis great. A good weekend, and I'll be getting my job back, /happysigh...Created 2006-10-29 10:19:50