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Journal: distant -------------------------------------------Mood: Depressed so cold have i become so tired and scared in this shell i am. this darkness that has shrouded me is slowly pulling me under and i dont know what to do ...Created 2006-09-28 13:35:22

Journal: 48 hour day... -------------------------------------------Mood: Relaxing im having one of my forty-eight hour days... lol fun!. although it sounds draining and horrible, with enough cofee and good friends to keep you company, forty-eight hour days are not so bad.plus having a resteraunt that has a bottemless bottem cup of cofee (free refils) makes it much mor tolerable. for those who dont know what a forty-eight hour day is, its simply not sleeping for forty-eight hours, simple but all people can handle it. man i realy enjoy being different, recently my life hasnt been horibly difficult although the lonliness and my vices have been geting to me, although i do try not to let it bother me. i just think that im the kind of person not ment to be alone, which may raise the question do i think that there are people that are ment to be alone? the answer is yes but not forever all people need to be alone att some time of their life, everybody needs to exeriance sadness and hate and rage and confusion and lonliness, it may sound like a horrible thing but to quote a movie "you cant enjoy the sweet without experiancing the sour"-vanilla sky, so once you know the sour (which in this situation the sour would be negative emotions) you will be able to enjoy the sweet much better (which would be the possitive emotions like love and euphoria and bliss and others.i have to leave soon to get more cofee lol,it happens to be my fuel today since that i havent eaten since yesterday and people say thats bad but its my choice. well this would probably be my first real journal i think so ha! well im going to send this post, although you might find it weird that im talking to you the reader. but thats what i do with all of my writing, so i will sign of with a latin quote "Cogitto ergo sum" which in translation would read "i think there for i am" ...Created 2006-01-13 13:56:13

Journal: the choice -------------------------------------------Mood: Confused theres many a problem in my life there happens to be another interest in my life possible another queen, i really liker her but then theres another queen im also interested in who i have supision of crushing on me... oh god dont make me choose... ...Created 2006-01-10 07:35:10

Journal: -------------------------------------------Mood: Rant its hollow's eve time to embrace the night once again. well i usualy embrace the night,i hope tonight is not going to be ruined by the little insigificant speks we call children.it my night! ...Created 2005-10-31 16:46:16

Journal: crossroads -------------------------------------------Mood: Sigh... things are confusing at best right now i wish i could see what must be done im so tired of wondering through the fog in search of somthing im not quite sure exists and i hurts me like i have been stabed in the chest ive been overthinking and over anylising for far to long all this confusion makes me want to run and escape ...*sigh* what a desolate man ive become. ...Created 2005-09-28 07:14:02

Journal: lyrics for -I -------------------------------------------Mood: Too much at once... my favorite lyrics at the curent moment i can relate to it compleatly A child's rhyme stuck in my head. It said that life is but a dream. I've spent so many years in question, to find I've known this all along.- "So good to see you. I've missed you so much. So glad it's over. I've missed you so much. Came out to watch you play. Why are you running away? Came out to watch you play. Why are you running?" -Shrouding all the ground around me. Is this holy crow above me. Black as holes within a memory and blue as our new second sun. I stick my hand into his shadow to pull the pieces from the sand. Which I attempt to reassemble to see just who I might have been. I do not recognize the vessel, but the eyes seem so familiar. Like phosphorescent desert buttons singing one familiar song... - "So good to see you. I've missed you so much. So glad it's over. I've missed you so much. Came out to watch you play. Why are you running away? Came out to watch you play. Why are you running away?" (Prying open my third eye!!) So good to see you once again. I thought that you were hiding. And you thought that I had run away. Chasing the tail of dogma. Opened my eye And there we were Opened my eye And there we were So good to see you once again I thought that you were hiding from me. And you thought that I had run away. Chasing a trail of smoke and reason. -Tool ...Created 2005-09-26 07:34:55

Journal: my queen -------------------------------------------Mood: Lonely Three days ago i ran into my queen and was given a hug that filled me with all the reasons i fell for her in the first place (if you confused about who the queen is please i implore you to read my other jurnals and poems because the majority is about her) and then i didnt want to let go but before i knew it i had let go and walked away now regret has been torturing me...i miss her so much i love her so much i wish there was another way i wish that there was a way for me to be a better man and win her over but then (to recap) im a jester and nothing more and the jester annot court the queen the joker has no rights...just lonely nights ands empty sighs it would be so much esier if i could just disapate and be done with it but nay i cannot and im stuck on the sidlines pining away ...pining for life ...Created 2005-09-20 11:58:07

Journal: cunfusion -------------------------------------------Mood: Thinking... maybe its time to start over ...Created 2005-09-16 10:21:07

Journal: BLAH!!! -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual my life is confusing its like, I’m awake and asleep at once unconscious an conscious there are so many things going on in my head its almost impossible to find witch ones are important and that screws up my memory and I forget things very easily and it get me so aggravated inside but i cant just explode I have to keep it inside tucked down where no one cane see them all my secret and questions and all my emotions except two fear and sadness so all that is hidden down there all my life goes there and I get used to it and forget how to feel I can hardly think straight it seems i can only really concentrate is when I’m typing or listening to music so if you take that away from me sooner or later ill become brain dead and useless ha! like I’m useful well any way some time on rare time a emotion or memory pops up but its usually so old I don’t know what do with it so a forget about it compleatly i never realy get peace even when i close my eyes I see al these thnghs but they are blurry so a cant realy completely know what they are but they keep going around in circles and it make me so confused and sometimes a just zone out and when i zone out i dont think hardly att all nd thats when i get some peace but its never long enuff and it happens in the worst places too it hapends at school all the timeand dont kow what to do and when i zone in i dont know whats realy going on so i look around to try to rasp somting so i know im not in the zone but some of my teachers get angry at me and think that im doing this on purpose so i dont like to argue so i just let them chew me out but thats not right but i dont know what to do im allways in a state of unconcisisness im realy suprized that i made it through all the way to grade ten but that dosent help me att all because i forget most of the thing in learnd or did.i think im alone all the time not even my parents seem real evryone seems invisibal the are almost like ghost it scares me somtimes but i try not to let it get to me but all the hate and love somtimes justs makes me crackbut i cant just crack i have to do it inside so it erodes more of my emotions sooner or later all of it will be gone and i dont know whats going to happen and im scared that its going to happen what is real and what isnt its all the same to me and that is realy hard for me to handle and people dont understand me why wont the understand me maybe because i dont realy know my self so i try to make a fake one for myself but it never realy works i dont know how long i can bare this this is theath grinding day in and day out im always confused so i trie to cut myself from theese ghosts but they always seem to get to me i dont know what to do i dont hate myself but somtimes i want to when people are born they know where home is but i dont where is my home do i have a home to me home is a place where peace is always but i keep pushing on im homless and lonely why cant i just explode i cant even defend my self because im so raped up in my web ind im trieng to untangle it without braking it do you know how hard my life is its almost imposibal its like im stuck in the same day almost all the time its not pleasent how am i suposed to lightin my burden when my burden is conected to evrythinge should I hate myself no i dont think so but does what i think count in my mind anymore i dont know im so tired im always tired maybe its all this thinking and pondering and stuff is my life pointless it almost seem so am i just a grain of sand destend to just be washed away im starting to think so but i dont want to . i think im dieing all this stuff i get head ach and migrains and because i so worked mostof the time it lets me get sick i think it makes me sick for a good reason so i can have a brake once and awhile my parents think i fake beaing sick even though im not im realy sick im just sick alot because i think alot you see it makes sense doesn’t it??? ...Created 2005-04-10 17:18:59

Journal: Wanting -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Falling away....everything is falling away from me... my friends my feelings my soul my reason to live my will my everything...my ...life... day in and day out it just adds too to my stress never able to rest unable to let it all go unable to heal from this ongoing battle that is life i wonder is all of this pain worth it am i to get anything out of it in the end or am i being punished for somthing i sacrifice my time to help others in need but there all ignorent to my pain to my sorrows and wounds that need to be mended its so unfair i gave and gave and now theres nothing that i can call my own because im nothing a gave myself away and im nothing im just a waste of time and space i just want to give up curl up and slowly slip away into nothing so that i can escape this hell on earth that i live.... have i wronged in some horiffic way that i must be punsihed like this? am i suposed to go through my life helping others and geting nothing in rturn? and all i ask for is time to find my home i have no home for home is where the heart is and i have no place that my heart hides i wish to beable to lay down and feel the morning air warm with the suns raze and moist with mist of gentle rain to rinse me of my earthly woes and allow me to heal and allow me to live...for once in my...exsistance and so that i can become someone and i would then be able to grow and become stronger and rise above and shine but alas im stuck in this bitter cold pit of jaged ice and rusty needles i just want to rest i just want to heal is that so hard to ask I just want to live ...Created 2005-03-20 00:10:55