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    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    Ha ha. Finding myself and broadening my horizons. Becoming. Existing. Loving everything although not everyone. So now I see that beyond the blinding light of my early teenage obsessions was only a falsehood, and there is so much more out there! Yes, and I am going to find it, and in the finding hopefully forget what I lost.....

    ...Created 2005-09-25 20:56:23

    dotsJournal: Smoky Cowsdots
    Mood: Thinking...

    Everything is so weird right now.

    ...Created 2005-05-29 20:41:55

    dotsJournal: Purple Clouddots
    Mood: Thinking...

    I had the strangest dream last night.

    I dreamed me and a few of my friends were at school, but we all knew it was a dream and we were like, "Yeah, it's a dream, we don't have to listen to anybody and we can do whatever we want!" Then this one guy was like, "I can control dreamscapes." So I told him to send us to the Rocky Mountains, and he opens this door sort of thing. Next thing I know, everybody is going through that door in a big line; there's also a big line coming out, all of famous people only there's something wrong with all of them. Nelson Mandela (sorry, very weird, but he's a cool guy) was coming out as a young man, and his beard was on fire. Then up ahead in the line that was going into the door (which I was in) I could see HIS head. We keep going until we get through the door, and on the other side there is this huge ballroom filled with sets of bleachers all pointing toward something at the front that I couldn't see. Everybody goes and sits down on the bleachers, and I see HIM going and standing behind one, so I sit up on the back row, and he's got his hands sitting up on the seat. Then, whatever it is we're all watching gets really sad, or scary, or something, and I reach over and grab HIS hand.

    It wasn't the normal sort of dream, when I'm just doing stuff because I like(d) him. It was just me reassuring him that, hey, I'm still here for you. And he turned his hand over and held mine to, as if to say the same thing.

    Sigh. This is so confusing.

    ...Created 2005-05-16 12:56:05

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual


    ...Created 2005-04-25 12:42:36

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: The Usual

    And as usual, I'm disappointed.

    Disappointed in you because you're just like the rest of the world. What happened to me seeing something special in you? Well, I'll tell you -- you destroyed it, tore it down in one big calculated breath. HE never did anything like this. HE may have wrecked my life, but he never would have been blatantly cruel. But I guess this is just another reinforcement of the thought I've been having for a while: you aren't him. Or as good as him.

    You're just the same as the rest of them.

    ...Created 2005-04-18 13:08:02

    dotsJournal: The First Dropdots
    Mood: Sad

    I donít know who we are anymore. We donít talk, and when we do itís empty. Empty to the point that I can almost hear our pointless words echoing off the walls of my throat and your throat and my heart, leaving tiny bruises where the sound waves bounce off my body. It hurts because there is no really for this, itís just the waxing and waning of a friendship Ė but I donít have enough confidence in either one of us to know if the waning will ever come to an end? Will we grow back together, like two pleached branches that pulled apart in the thunderstorm, but still have those bare spots? Or will I always be left feeling empty? EMPTYÖ EmptyÖ emptyÖ

    ...Created 2005-04-07 13:13:42

    dotsJournal: 64dots
    Mood: The Usual

    I made a 64 on my geometry test.

    I am going to make lower on my next test.

    I am really tired.

    I, I, I. I guess I'm self-centered too.

    ...Created 2005-03-14 11:35:18

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Crazy


    That was my emotions spilling out into the keyboard. I'm running on high (not literally, but you know what I mean)... but it's like the stock market in the twenty's; the high is around something that has a 99% chance of NOT BEING THERE AT ALL! But I'm still going crazy. Crazy with that awful hope that I've mentioned before, which constitutes the huge bubble that in all likelihood is filled with all kinds of fakeness.

    Ah well. That's life, I suppose.

    ...Created 2005-03-03 06:36:11

    dotsJournal: dots
    Mood: Tired

    Hey... I haven't written on this journal for a while... been so busy... so stressed... so wishing I was just somewhere else. This entire week has been just one big WANT-TO-CRY mood, and I haven't cried, so I feel like I'm probably going to explode within the next two or three days... maybe if I went and ran around my neighborhood for thirty minutes or so I would feel better, but I'm too lazy and I have got too much homework. Even seeing HIM didn't make me feel much better... there is absolutely nothing to base this feeling on -- for once it really is just my bad mood -- but I just feel like he thinks I'm annoying. And I know he doesn't. But I just feel that way because I'm so stupid. And tired. And everything that falls under the categories thereof.


    ...Created 2005-02-24 12:30:57

    dotsJournal: Wish I's Theredots
    Mood: Thinking...

    I cannot wait until church camp. Pathetic? Yes. Ridiculous? Of course. Itís still 123 days away, but thatís just in the definition of me. I canít wait for getting up amazingly early on Monday morning and wandering around campus, watching the sun rise up over the lake and taint everything that unnamed pastel wash that can only happen during the small window of time called June 19-24. I canít wait to stay up so late into the night that everything starts hazing over, but I Ė we Ė donít care because all we care about is being together. I canít wait, because itíll be an entire week of being with the people I love 24-7Ö and being with you.

    ...Created 2005-02-17 13:13:12

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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