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dotsJournal: lightcigarettesdots
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Mood: The Usual

last night was pretty nice. it snowed.
and snowed.
and snowed.
we came out of the movie theater, and didn't expect all that stuff to be falling. and although we could barely see on the way home, and the roads were probably really dangerous, we just laughed.
and laughed.
and laughed.

it was great.

i don't know lately. i'm all effed. i told someone that i love something very important last night. all i wanted to hear was 'i love you.' or 'you're not crazy' or an even 'i care about you don't do that'...but i got nothing. no response. i have to admit that i was a little shocked and a bit hurt. it seems like i don't have any friends that care. derrick, i don't know, that has it's ups and downs and complications. i just don't want him to end up like kevin was to me.

i just feel like everything i say doesn't make a difference; no one's listening.
you hear.
but you don't listen.

funny how i had such a good night with people i care about just last night, and now i feel like this. i swear i'm mentally ill or something, jeez.
my eyes and head hurt.
that was my update. enjoy it or die.<3

...Created 2006-01-14 14:15:56

dotsJournal: blahblahwhatev.dots
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Mood: Head Aching

"i hate you. i hate you. i don't even know you, and i hate your guts."

my fucking head hurts and i can't write. it will NOT happen. i haven't even thought about it. i feel like shit, perhaps i'll even write tonight.

...Created 2006-01-02 22:12:17

dotsJournal: yup.dots
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Mood: Depressed

the only thing i regret is that i didn't do it to you first.
that i didn't look at you or laugh at what you said.
that i didn't believe your lies 5 different times, just to be crushed by them.
i regret that i didn't follow my 'i'm always right' instinct and act on what i was thinking you did.
i regret letting you take what all you took from me.

but i'm not going to let you have my tears.
i haven't shed one.
and i'm not going to let you have these lyrics. these songs.
all these songs that remind me of you, and have always hurt me.
are just melodies and words now.

that's all i have to say about it.
i'm not going to 'write a poem' about it...the abundancy of the poems on this site are about you.
i'm sick of giving a shit...because as it turns out...you never did.
about me at least.

...Created 2005-12-19 23:44:23

dotsJournal: mucho <3dots
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Mood: The Usual

We Are Always Searching- I Am Ghost

It's a cold dark night, Hallows Eve upon the crest, in a parking lot of vampires in suits to look their best, and the music, next to coffins made of
gold, with friends and lovers freshly buried.

Her beauty washes over me, so let us hide and we'll dance the night away.
Kiss the rise of the sun, then we'll melt away, that's who we are: we are always searching, always searching (for you).

In a white dress, with no eyes, black suit red devil bow tie, the King and Queen are crowned Victorian. "Is this the last of our haunting?" she says as she floats like an angel. "You will never know until you let me go, I'm hoping this will never end!"

Her beauty washes over me, so let us hide and we'll dance the night away.
Kiss the rise of the sun, then we'll melt away, that¹s who we are: we are
always searching, always searching (for you).

The haunting: where we fell in love.

...Created 2005-12-18 14:19:54

dotsJournal: balhshdiahihndsdots
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Mood: Brain Fried

bIHAUSGAUETGE!@#%*)&^%$!!!!
i hate thinking about shit, trying to write it, and erasing it.


the cummulative ache of my stomach and chest is starting to annoy me. it's a kind of nervous hurt. like when your heart burns and you know it's not from food. heh. sometimes i can't listen to songs that remind me of people, because it makes that hurt in my chest worse. i don't know.

'i went to sleep a poet and woke up a fraud'

i used to feel bad all the time. now i just feel bad in little spurts. for no reason at all i'll see a face or hear a song and think it over for a moment. and i'll feel terrible. probably because i'm constantly thinking of you, and i don't think you think of me that much at all.

i don't know, i can't decsribe it.
i hate this entry already...bleh.

...Created 2005-12-17 20:33:23

dotsJournal: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOdots
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Mood: Angry

THEY BLOCKED LIVEJOURNAL FROM THE SCHOOL COMPUTERS.
i am distraught. bothered. pissed, even.
oh em gee. myspace, now livejournal. grrr. amber mad.
the one day that i am in the library for the ENTIRE class period with nothing to do. (and rosie just abandoned me)
fuck fuck fuck fuck ass shit sonofabitch. whew.

...Created 2005-12-13 09:04:51

dotsJournal: swell&burstdots
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Mood: Straightening things out...

i have had nothing to say for the past umpteen months.

i just don't have that spark. that passion for writing. where did it go?
strange, the last time i wrote, chris passed away. and now, a girl named jade just died. she also committed suicide. 2 suicides at our school in 3 months. it's frightening. it's too close and too frequent. who would have thought.

i don't know...i've been thinking. everyone knows me as the mean girl. it's even a joke between friends. but i was tracing myself back, just thinking about 2 or so years ago when i was so much more different than i am now. i used to be so sensitive. i used to be so subseptible to getting hurt. i was fragile and unaware.
i hated it. i was toughening myself up over that time. the more and more i felt loved, or got hurt i became calloused and hard. i wanted to be a shell that no one could get into that way no one could hurt me like i had been.

now, i am mean and hard and everyone is scared of me. i hate everything and basically everyone. and i hate it even more than i did when i was too soft. i don't know. i feel like i am taking cheap shots at everyone, even the people i care about. i am a bitch. a douche bag. a big one.
i always prayed i could be mean that way its easier to deal when people hurt you.
but the truth is...it hurts more.
<3

...Created 2005-12-11 19:39:06

dotsJournal: dots
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Mood: Sad

A boy who skates with some of my best friends, killed himself Friday.
It has plagued my thoughts all weekend. I've been trying to keep my mind away from it, but the fact is; he died and he's not coming back.
I feel so terrible for his family and those who were close to him.
It has had a ripple effect on everyone, and we have all been effected.
I haven't really had much to say about it, because I barely knew him. All I can say, is how tragic it is. With my mouth open due to the loss of words because I cannot believe that this happened to someone at my school.

Tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day.
Please pray for Chris' family and those close to him, who loved him.
RIP.

...Created 2005-09-18 21:23:25

dotsJournal: welcomebacktoMEdots
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Mood: The Usual

A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks I haven't been on here. I will just post what I have written on livejournal:

8/11/05
I thought today was a bad day.
Someone said something outrageously unneccesary and mean to me for no reason. One of my good friends dropped out of one of the hardest classes I have. I was stressing about everything.

...Then I went to Matts. I called my parents to tell them about my bad day. All my Dad cared about was that the guy who gave me shit was black. He screamed at me through the phone. Basically telling me that I don't stand up for myself. Screaming and screaming his hate and racism and the tears boiled over. My mom whispered "Just come home." I came home and my Dad was gone. There was a new picture hanging on the wall...and behind it was a huge hole, from where my Dad punched the wall.

I don't know what to do. When I got off the phone at Matt's house I just sat down and cried. Nothing's ever good enough for him. He's so racist and full of hate that sometimes I'm scared of him. I don't want him to take it out on my mom...she doesn't deserve that. And they fought today...over what I said. My Dad didn't seem to even take notice that I had a "bad day."
I don't want to cry anymore I'm sick of this. I sat in 4th block and just wanted to run. Run out the door and I don't know where I'd go. I had no idea it would be so much worse when I came home.

I already know tonight will end with me and my favorite blade.
As I sit here on the other side of the wall...I can see the plaster beginning to crack in the shape of a lightening bolt. That can be fixed.
But it won't change how it hurt us.

8/17/05
Well the situation with my family got worse before it got better.
After that night my parents didn't talk for 2 days. Me, April and Mom talked about it and Mom said something about leaving Dad if he didn't control his anger. I knew he would never see a psychologist so I grabbed the phone went in the bathroom and cried while calling Matt. I told him how scared I was that my parents might leave each other. I really didn't know how to deal with it and I told him everything I was thinking.
I just wanted someone to tell me it would be okay.

Matt knew I wanted to hurt myself and told me to have faith in God. He asked if I already had and I just broke down and cried so loudly...he knew that was a yes. I don't like hurting him at all. I haven't heard him cry like that in a long time and it broke my heart. I told him it wasn't his fault and I was so sorry...but I was only sorry for hurting him. I wasn't sorry for hurting myself. He made me promise I wouldn't do it again...I did. But, I'm afraid I won't be able to keep it. I don't just always cut because of anger or sadness, I cut for the calm that I desperately need and he just doesn't understand.
I finally calmed down & we talked into the night.
At some point in the conversation my mom had knocked on the door because she heard me crying.
I put Matt on hold and threw myself into my mom's arms and cried. I told her I didn't want her to leave Dad. She patted my back and held me and told me she promised it would be okay. That's all I wanted to hear. I didn't expect it to be true because she knew I was upset...but for that moment I had some clarity and hope.

What's strange is that everything is back to 'normal.' Usually after fights we all act really nice to each other. But, this time everyone is just acting like nothing at all happened. & my Dad is going to 'try' to calm down & if he can't he'll get a therapist.
My mom doesn't even want me to tell Amy. ?!
But I'm going to. She acts like she's not even a part of this family but she is; she deserves to know.

sooo yeah. Yesterday my friend's sister had the worst breakup I've ever seen right in front of my eyes. I hope I consoled her well...I didn't know what else to do.

I showed Mrs. Revo (english teacher) this website, and she LOVED my poem that I picked for our assignment (First On Halloween) & she loved my user picture; Haha. I left her class feeling really lighthearted and the fact that she was raving about how good it was made me want to jump around and sing.

My neck hurts. 20 more minutes in this class.
Then Art.
Sleepytime.


Hope you all are well.
<3<3<3

...Created 2005-08-18 12:28:59

dotsJournal: haitusdots
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Mood: In Love

Today was a really pleasant day. Even though Matt said he'd check in when he got home from Clarksville...and went to Alan's instead.
I am almost finished with Girls In Pants, I have a bunch of cute new shirts for school, and I tried on jeans today...that fit the first time I tried. :) I love that.


Heather was down last week (which would explain me not being online) and I had a blast. She is like my sister, my best friend. I wish sincerely that she lived closer...she's my other half. :) We smoked a lot of weed(haha) and just catched up. I love that when we see each other we have so much to talk about. We went to the waterpark and hung out most of the time. It was great, I miss her and her sister's a lot. <3<3

I've decided to take a little vacation from elite. I'm really not in a writing mood lately...and when that happens I try to put myself in one & it just clogs my brain worse. School is starting in less than 2 weeks, Matt's going off to college, and I have a lot on my mind overloading. :)

I shall return with gifts of my words. <3<3<3<3 Take care everyone.

...Created 2005-07-28 22:42:55