Journal: Quotes? -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual If you're tired of being hurt, then stop running away. If you're running away, then stop and look back. If you're looking back, and you don't like what you see, then remember it can all change with just one more step. One man cannot change the world, but he must think that he can. For if every man believed that there was nothing he could do, then nothing would ever be done. ...Created 2009-11-22 21:51:18

Journal: O.o -------------------------------------------Mood: Confused Human Emotions. Can't get around them, Can't fight them, Can't defeat them, Can't relinquish them. Have to experience them. Can't understand them, Can't explain them, Can't justify them. You either have to love them, Or hate them, Because you have to feel. You can't banish them, Can't ignore them, Have to live with them. They are part of who you are, They ruin who you are, They create what you are. They are everything, And have to do with nothing. Can't go around them, Can't go through them. Emotions stick to your skin They glue to your mind. They spread, they reflect, they infect. Can't kill them, Can't revive them. They are there to destroy you, They are there to support you. Love, Hate, Happiness, Sadness. Jealousy, Compassion, Loneliness, Anger. They are a collective, They are you. Well, that was just... hmm. I don't know. I feel like I wish I could explain these giddy hormonal responses, emotions. Damn them. ...Created 2009-11-15 21:51:32

Journal: Mmmhm. -------------------------------------------Mood: In Love Well... if ya'll haven't noticed, my presence around here lately is less than shining and obvious. The reason being is that I'm pretty busy-- not so busy that I don't have an extra second, but busy enough to just spend my time lazing off in front of the TV or behind a book instead of writing on my computer. It's like I have the urge to write... I want to create something beautiful again! I want to make the words flow into my own world again!... but every time I try to sit down, I feel overwhelmed by this wave of exhaustion, and I feel... like I'm growing away from it. I feel kind of like writing isn't just PART of me like it used to be. It used to be that every time I sat still, I would be writing madly or sketching all the same. Whenever I got home it was straight to the computer to keep working on my story or to check for new posts on any Role Plays of mine. Now it's just... "Well, I feel like making a poem... eh, I'll just let the computer rest for now." Is this what happens to all adults? As you get older? I think it happens to a lot of people, and they don't realize what's going on. They don't see that they're losing the things that made them happy as children and are morphing into different creatures altogether, and so they become tunnel-minded while under the anesthesia of ignorance. But are there ever people that see it? That feel themselves beginning to slip away and want to cling to it, but can't find that passion anymore? And then there's the pain. Oh, the pain. It feels like losing someone that you really love... because you are. Growing up, you lose a piece of yourself that was capable of meaningless happiness, that made you smile so many times, and let you cry your heart out. Of course, I guess everyone wouldn't lose it. There are people strong enough with the right kind of personality that will allow them to retain some of the childish openness... but even the best of people sometimes can't keep life from busting in on them. Hmmm. I'm really optimistic, right? -.-; What else... Matt came up here recently. And I know he'll probably-read-this-maybe but I still want to talk about it. We had a great time... or, at least I had a great time. Saturday was the awkward-first-meeting in which our parents had a quick chat and I stashed the gift he brought in my bathroom. Then we headed out for lunch at a Chicken place thing. It wasn't too bad; I was so nervous though! It sounds weird, but I feel strange eating in front of people when I'm also trying to look graceful or pretty. Anyways, we finished up there and then went back, followed by a trip with just me and Matt walking around at the mall. I know, romantic, right? It was going to be a movie, which would have been loads better, but the time gap between then and the (FLU INFECTED) Halloween party was a little too short to cover. So, walking around at the mall it was. There were a few off moments (I actually dropped my keys. Kill me now. Please.) that were a little off but most of the time was nice. It was just.. wonderful to spend the time with him. Then, after that we headed towards the Halloween party, in which I was in a Masquerade thing and he was.. well, himself. It was pretty fun-- Twister especially. I tried to drag him out of the corner a few times or at least stand over there with him. Hoping that wasn't too bad of an experience. Went home, snuck in a quick kiss... Time lapse to Sunday! Sunday was basically eating breakfast, then playing video games (>.>) until he had to go back to college. It wasn't very eventful, but... special. To me. I wanted to cherish every second but they were going by too fast to be counted. Then, that time was over, just like that... And now I really miss him... So much. >.< Baaahhhhh! Anyways. I know it's a lot better than most long distance relationships get, you know? Like a lot luckier and stuff like that. But now I just miss him so much. And that's making feelings that I don't like to have, like jealously, and sadness, maybe snappiness. Stupid things. Damn being a teenager! Gotta love it. Er, anyways.. *Cough* Wanted tah get that off mah chest. And now I have done so, and I'm tired of writing this journal, so I'll write more later possibly but for now I'm gone to go do something else. Good afternoon, dear reader, and may you be pulled in the right directions. -Silver- ...Created 2009-11-06 23:04:48

Journal: Deep breath -------------------------------------------Mood: FUCKING EXCITED MAN! Wait for it... Wait for it... YYYEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO~! YEAH! Praise Jeebus! OH YEAH! *Ahem* I get to see Matt tomorrow. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ...Created 2009-10-23 20:53:00

Journal: Research -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Just discovering stuff. I guess this is what I have~. Panic attacks are commonly linked to agoraphobia and the fear of not being able to escape a bad situation. Many who experience panic attacks feel trapped and unable to free themselves. Experiencing a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life.[2] Sufferers of panic attacks often report a fear or sense of dying, "going crazy", or experiencing a heart attack or "flashing vision", feeling faint or nauseated, heavy breathing, or losing control of themselves. Short-term triggering causes — Significant personal loss, including an emotional attachment to a romantic partner, life transitions, significant life change, stimulants such as caffeine or nicotine, or other drugs such as marijuana and psilocybin, can act as triggers.[2] Maintaining causes — Avoidance of panic provoking situations or environments, anxious/negative self-talk ("what-if" thinking), mistaken beliefs ("these symptoms are harmful and/or dangerous"), withheld feelings, lack of assertiveness.[2] Situationally bound panic attacks — Associating certain situations with panic attacks, due to experiencing one in that particular situation, can create a cognitive or behavioral predisposition to having panic attacks in certain situations (situationally bound panic attacks). It is a form of classical conditioning.[2] See PTSD DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Panic Attack A discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four (or more) of the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a peak within 10 minutes: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate Sweating Trembling or shaking Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering Feeling of choking Chest pain or discomfort Nausea or abdominal distress Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Fear of losing control or going crazy Fear of dying Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations) Chills or hot flashes Panic attacks tend to continue for months or years. While they typically begin in young adulthood, the symptoms may arise earlier or later in life in some people. Complications, which are symptoms that can develop as a result of continued panic attacks, may include: specific irrational fears (phobias), especially of leaving home (agoraphobia); avoidance of social situations, depression, work or school problems, suicidal thoughts or actions; financial problems, and alcohol or other substance abuse. Panic disorder also predisposes sufferers to developing heart disease. ...Created 2009-10-13 21:51:51

Journal: Just... D:< -------------------------------------------Mood: Overwhelmed Okaayyy. Once again. No one is asked to read this so if you don't like me complaining then go read something else! >_< Okay.. so.. here was my day. I woke up late, at about 6:45. Starving. Mom decides she doesn't /want/ to make breakfast today, so when I start to make something before I need to leave she snaps my head off, basically, and says I should just grab something at school. Okay, so I get to school... It's about five minutes till the bell is gonna ring, and I run into Lolli (nickname used for privacy matters. I guess.) and she's all upset. Well. I've basically been best friends with this girl since third grade, we know everything about each other, and when she's so angry that she's about to cry- And I ask her what's wrong, what happened, what I can do to help- She blows up in my face and starts yelling about how she's tired of telling people 'what's wrong.' Her home life is pretty bad. But still. She wouldn't even TELL me, after sharing with just about everyone else that she knows. I had to get it out of gossip. Then eventually we ended up getting in a fight, and by the end of first period we were officially on 'No speaking terms.' Fuck. And on a side note I currently have a very precariously balanced '82' in Pre-Cal because the teacher confused my ones with my sevens. In second period, of course, I'm a little frazzled over this.. I didn't get a lot of sleep, everything is rubbing me the wrong way today, of course I'm not all bright and cheery. Mr. Jock decides that TODAY is the the day that he is going to sit by my desk and bother the living SHIT out of me until I tell him what's wrong. Urgh! We also had an extended second period today so I got more time that usual to be bothered by him. We had a 200 question test today, and I barely got any of it... So then I got to lunch. Basically, by the time that I had my tray, sat down, and ate one thing the bell rang for us to leave for third block. There was a sub today in my Psychology class, so the place that usually turns out to be the happiest part of school for me ended up being boring, long, and tiring. Lastly was fourth period, Physics, which I guess wasn't too bad. We took a lot of notes and did a lot of work but my group finished with like thirty minutes to go. All I wanted to do today was lay down on something soft, somewhere quiet. I also would have given just about anything to have been able to text Matt, but alas, I left my phone at home in the rush to get to school. Well! After the drive home, which was mediocre as driving usually is, I grabbed some chips while the rents were out shopping. That wasn't so bad. I finally got to talk to Matt, to let off some steam, so settle back into the cushions... My parents got home after a while. Dad is bitching back and forth about how much his job sucks, about how it doesn't pay very well, about how the government sucks and about how life is generally screwing him (us) over. I didn't even bother to say anything this time. Mom is in a bitchy mood too, because, well, dad is. And that basically casts a big dark cloud over me once again. This is one of the first days that I would have been so glad to go to Tae Kwon Do ALL NIGHT and stay there and work my fucking ass off. But no, this week we don't have classes since it's the week after testing and stuff. Stressed out to the extreme doesn't begin to describe me lately. And since my meter is always hovering right at the top these days, today just cast it over to cliff edge. And laying on the couch, trying to get some rest and trying not to let the tears come out by biting into a pillow as hard as I can, I told Matt that I was going to stop 'annoying him' and that I would 'leave him to his things', aka, playing video games. He's been there so many times while I was feeling bad. I can't expect so many things from him. I can't ask him to always be a comfort, but he always is. And sometimes it seems, even to myself, I am trying to push away my miracle drug... I always wish when I do that that he would tell me not to go, Or that I have to keep talking to him. ;_; God I'm such a selfish bitch sometimes. Please forgive me. Anyways... so this is just a little of what I feel lately. I know I don't have it nearly as bad as a lot of people, and I'm coping worse than most do with the simple repercussions of every day life. Sometimes I feel like everything is slowly killing me, making little speckle-sized holes in my heart, and one day it's just going to cave in and fall apart. I want to try hard to stop all of this, but sometimes, I'm not even sure where I'm supposed to begin, or what it is that I'm working towards... ...Created 2009-10-06 18:59:15

Journal: Mood Lyrics -------------------------------------------Mood: Whatever the songs are. Riot - Three Days Grace (General anger at the world? xD) If you feel so empty, So used up, so let down, If you feel so angry, So ripped off, so stepped on. You're not the only one Refusing to back down You're not the only one So get up. Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot If you feel so filthy, So dirty, so fucked up. If you feel so walked on So painful, so pissed off. You're not the only one Refusing to go down You're not the only one So get up. Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot If you feel so empty, So used up, so let down If you feel so angry, Just get up. Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot My Own Prison - Creed (Just the Chorus.) (And I said oh) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels their selfish pride (And I said oh) We're all held captive Out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one I Caught Fire - The Used (You can guess. o.o) Seem to stop my breath My head on your chest Waiting to cave in From the bottom of my... Hear your voice again Could we dim the sun And wonder where we've been Maybe you and me So kiss me like you did My heart has stopped beating Such a softer sin (chorus) (I'm melting, I'm melting) In your eyes I lost my place Could stay a while And I'm melting In your eyes Like my first time That I caught fire Just stay with me Lay with me Now (verse 2) Never caught my breath Every second I'm without you I'm a mess Ever know each other Trust these words are stones My cuts are healing Learning how to love I'm melting (I'm melting) In your eyes I lost my place Could stay a while (chorus) And I'm melting In your eyes Like my first time That I caught fire Just stay with me Lay with me... (Stay with me lay with me now) BRIDGE You could stay and watch me fall And of course I'd ask for help Just stay with me now We could take our heads off, stay in bed Just make love, that's all Just stay with me now ...Created 2009-10-05 20:30:56

Journal: D:< -------------------------------------------Mood: *Twitch* I hate the school system. I hate geography. D:< ARGHHH! *Whacks a bucket all over the floor, pretending that it can bleed* GOD DAMN IT!! Just... RAWRR! ...Created 2009-09-27 20:23:17

Journal: Hmm. -------------------------------------------Mood: Hyper So, I had a dream last night. Seriously, you can't control these things, so don't blame me for what was in it. >.> I was driving down the highway... going somewhere. I didn't know where I was going at first, but then eventually I figured out that I had run away to drive and see Matt? I think? Well, for some reason he was on the road too... His sister was in the car. 0-o And we drove past each other, so I called him and turned around and we met up in the parking lot of a gas station. xD I got in his car and the first thing I thought to say was, "Your dad is right. You kind of need a hair cut." His hair was pretty long and sort of red for some reason. Probably because the red headed kid in my first block looks so much like he does. Anyways.. uh. That's about all I can remember. >.>; I just thought I would share that. ...Created 2009-09-26 12:53:53

Journal: So, yeah. -------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual Sorry to everyone if I haven't been on a lot lately. For one, my recently developed LIFE has burst into sickly vibrant colors so I find myself either busy, tired, or without the inspiration to write. Or dreaming of trapping Matt in a day long shower, apparently. Well. I have Tae Kwon Do usually every Tuesday and Thursday night, and then on the middle of Saturday. I've also been going to Alabama football games on Saturdays and my High School football games on Friday, or whatever else me and my friends can cook up. Thursday is a club meeting. And usually on Monday I'm so tired I can't sleep, since weekends tend to make one want to stay up kind of late... what else is left, Wednesday and Sunday? Yeah, days that I SHOULD be going to church. Heh. But, yeah. Anyways... yep. This is just me complaining so don't feel like you have to read it. Feel free to walk away right now. Go ahead. Now if you still want to read (Which is thankfully doubtful) then I can't get blamed for bitching for pity. Alright. I keep having weird dreams each night, and waking up after each one nearly. I learned from my Psychology class that I'm basically waking up every time the sleep cycle starts back over, every 90 minutes or so, when most people just come up to a really light slumber and then go back to a deep sleep. Which is weird. I always dream that I'm in a two story house, and then it catches on fire. The fire is in the stair case but that's the only way I can get down. Otherwise I'll have to wait upstairs (Where I always am in the dream) for a slow and painful demise. So, in this dream, I go to the stair case and start running down. The farther down I go, in a spiral by the way, the closer the walls get and the more my sense of hopelessness grows. Then it ends. Weird... My temper at school is also starting to decline. It was kind of funny at the beginning of the semester when everyone was messing with me, ex. poking my sides, but now it just gets on my nerves. It could be because of sleep deprivation, but whatever. And what the hell is up with everyone suddenly being buddies with me? I used to have a very tight knit inner circle that is starting to loosen up and accommodate a whole new wave of random people. Not that I'm really complaining that much, but... well, it's tiring sometimes to want to please everyone. I have an increasing worry that everything I do is horrible or inadequate. That everything I do hurts someone else or is horribly selfish, or that nothing I can do is perfect and always ends up being a bother for people in the end. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but I can't help it sometimes. All of my petty little worries are starting to condense into one giant one. The other night, I really wanted to just... I don't know. Hurt myself. I had an open blade and held it so tightly in my hands that I actually have annoying cuts all over my palms now. I don't know why I wanted it and I don't think that I'm completely suicidal. There are a lot of things about myself that I can't seem to explain right now... On another note, as far as Matt goes (If you happen to be reading this now. It's nothing negative. Trust me. <3) I'm beginning to... I don't know. I always want to be talking to him. I always feel like smiling like an idiot when he calls me, even if it is in the middle of the night and I've been upset for hours and hours. It doesn't matter what else happens to me during the day if, at the end, I get the chance to talk to him for just a little bit... Is there like a 'Level 2' love? Heh. Long distance relationships are very frustrating. He's not even that far away and I have no opportunities to do all of the normal things that regular couples take for granted. Laughing together, holding hands, comparing the sizes of yours hands (xD), dragging him into a long and steamy showe- >.> What? I didn't say anything. Anyways. That's all. Just wanted to vent. <3 ...Created 2009-09-24 22:07:06

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

	Enter your search terms Submit search form
	Web www.eliteskills.com