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dotsJournal: .dots
Mood: Just Hungry

i can't figure out how to delete this account.

...Created 2007-01-11 13:25:07

dotsJournal: heh.dots
Mood: Relaxing

so i haven't posted a journal in like a year or something.
i never ever use elite, and if you want to get ahold of me:

and no, i haven't stopped writing. i just haven't deemed anything good enough to post, and i would really like to delete all the stuff i have on here too. actually, i'd like to delete this account completely but then i wouldn't be able to see everyone else's profiles. YEAH.

so happy summer.

...Created 2006-07-08 21:17:37

dotsJournal: =]dots
Mood: Guess what!?


More later. I should really be doing wayyyy lots of other stuff. Heh.

...Created 2006-01-26 22:27:50

dotsJournal: Insanity.dots
Mood: Confused

Things have been crazy lately. So many things going on that I won't bother to list everything.. mainly school stuff, but also the whole junior high drama thing. It's really stupid. I'm lucky to have some friends who are on my wavelength.. I think we may be the only people left in the world who aren't dating someone. My question is, is 'going out' in junior high a valuable learning experience or a waste of time? I'm not quite decided yet, but I've never dated, either. There's the ruining your friendship thing.. but if you find the right person, it could be worth it. Who knows.

Things will be calming down soon.. right now I'm functioning on 5 hours of sleep and Halloween candy. Mainly I'm just, well, confused. Above topic. People don't make sense and all of a sudden EVERYONE is going out with each other.. it's really weird and freaky and stuff. Welcome to freshman year, huh?!

Ah well. I'll be ok.

...Created 2005-11-03 22:00:18

dotsJournal: I really am..dots
Mood: Paranoid

I really am paranoid. Constantly. I know a lot of people were freaking out about the start of school. For me it's more about the start of school in general, and summer being over.. more about this being ninth grade than this day in particular. Because today was the start of my high school career, and frankly.. I'm just bored.

Sad. But true.. all we did was get syllabuses (?) and read the stupid handbook. In EVERY class. Ugh. They have to make us read it (meaning out loud) so we can't sue the school district saying we didn't know about a rule if we break one. Apparently this happened.. so now we all suffer. Argh.

But aside from this, the whole year is looking pretty good at this point. Quick overview:

(1) H. Eng with MS. Smith.. she seems pretty cool. I like English.
(2) Life Issues with Stein.. neutral. Can't say from now, but cooking and that kind of thing is fun.
(3) Geom with Nelson.. this will be fun. Lots of friends in there, and she seems really cool. Plus, in my OCD kind of way, I really like math.
--1ST LUNCH!!! I'm not even going to be hungry, but oh well because most of my friends have it.
(4) Journalism with Hopkins.. I think that should be fun, as long as I get to do something. It will be annoying if I can't do important things just because I didn't do journalism in 8th. I can be so power-hungry, but I like being productive and in charge. But I mean, come on. I've taken photography classes at an art school since I was 8. And I'm a good writer. No errors here. Anyway..
(5) Concert Band with Roe.. heck yes!! My reign as first chair begins. Heheh. But we all know this class is awesome. I even have an Andrew wannabe by the name of Michael Malinen. seriously. should be fun to keep him under control. heheh.
(6) H SS with Hoerling.. she seems really cool too. I don't mind studying.

so there we have it. School anxiety is further subsiding, because I know it's not the end of the world if things aren't quite the same, and it's not the end of the world if I have to work hard for the first time in my cushy smart kid life, and it's ok for me to just enjoy my year and not get all caught up in what isn't there.

Yay for being happy.

...Created 2005-09-07 18:39:52

dotsJournal: Finally ready!dots
Mood: Thinking...

First off- sorry, everyone, for the frantic journal posting, but there's been a lot going on. I really don't have anyone to talk to.. so this usually just has to do. My last entry was about things that were actually going on.. my bad audition, my mountain climb tomorrow, my friend coming to stay in a couple of days. That's not what this one will be about though.. it's time for a Tale of Hayley.

lol. But it's true.. because last night I surprised myself with how I've grown up this summer. It really didn't seem like I was making any progress at all.. but then I was amazed at how I was so uncharacteristically unjealous last night. See, this is a problem with me.. I am (was?) just a really jealous person. Horrible habit, but nearly impossible to break. Seems like I'm starting to outgrow that- which is really awesome, because that was one of the things I really didn't like about myself. The actual story.. just that early in the summer I was pretty depressed and lonely.. I thought I had lost one of my best friends, and the boy next door down here, being the only one around and nice enough, seemed the perfect fit for the hole I was trying to fill. Got hurt all over again when news of his girlfriend arrived.. not a time I'm proud of. But then last night I was with Tyler (Mr. Next Door) and his girlfriend and his little brother for a good couple of hours, and I was proud and amazed to say the the usual risng green monster I was expecting a visit from was blissfully absent. Very not like me.. but pretty cool that I'm outgrowing some of my weaknesses. I could just enjoy being with my friend for the last time in who knows how long.. even if he wasn't the replacement I was looking for in my low time, he was still a good friend nonetheless. Putting things at peace is the best feeling.

I had to type that like 5 times to get it right. When I have a lot on my mind I have trouble putting anything into words (hence the inherrant lack of writing in recent time).. but growing up is pretty cool once you start to see everything, not just what you want to see, what you choose to see, the childish tunnel-vision we're all trying to grow out of.

Hope that was to the point and effective.. sometimes I really can't get words to work with me. This draft seems to have turned out pretty well. But with all of this, I think I'm finally ready to come home and face high school, friends, and all kinds of other things. I'm ready to take on everything.

Finally ready.

...Created 2005-08-20 11:37:30

dotsJournal: figures..dots
Mood: Sick

I just got back from being in Vermont for about 5 days.. and get this. I got sick the night we got there and got better the night before we left. How lucky am I?! Medicine made it semi-bearable.. but it sucked because I wasn't my usual self and I haven't seen most of my family since I was about 8. We live far apart. Other than that, though.. the wedding and family time thing was pretty fun I guess. Of course every family has it's issues.. our family has some pretty big ones. Won't go there. But everyone seemed to be able to just ignore it and be happy for my uncle (he's the groom). And it's always fun to see various members of your immediate and extended family get COMPLETELY drunk.. and dance.. and generally just laugh at people while I have my [virgin] strawberry daquiri (sp?). Luckily though, I'm feeling a lot better now. So I'm in WA until the afternoon of the 26th, when I go back to OR. That's about it for now! Post one or something!

...Created 2005-07-24 09:32:52

dotsJournal: Revelation..dots
Mood: Overwhelmed

I can't believe I've only been in Oregon for a week. Funny how once you start to grow up a little you realize just how far you've come. Makes me wonder why all of you guys were friends with me in eight grade! That wasn't even that long ago. Ah, well.. isolation can do a lot for you. My head is so completely full of stuff that I can't even really get into what's going on with me, but I guess I'll try. It's just that a new perspective from someone who isn't involved in everything, someone who doesn't know you yet, someone who hasn't seen you when you're with your friends, can really make you see a lot of things. I have some stuff I need to work on.. not judging people, not hiding things, tearing down my wall and letting people in. And this mysterious person also made me realize that there will be more people like him.. and like someone else that I learned a lot from last year too. And he helped me finally let go.. and this weight is finally off me. And even though things are crazy up in my brain, I like it. It feels good to know that I'm learning.

...Created 2005-07-19 19:35:51

dotsJournal: Emptydots
Mood: Confused

Well, I've been having fun since school got out. I guess. Hanging out with friends, playing like we were little kids again.

And yet, I wonder if I'm the only one who feels that it's all just meaningless. Why are some of my friends so much less mature than the people I feel closest to? With so many people it seems like there's nothing in them that's of anything greater than the here and now.

What makes people grow up? I think I could tell you what made me and one other friend of mine jump into harsh reality, but who knows what we might be like if things had been different? Just like everyone else. I'm glad we're not.

Are some of my elder friends thinking the exact same thing about me? I hope I'm right in thinking that I've grown up too.

We're all searching for something. Why can no one help me find it? If only I knew what I was looking for.

And in the meantime, I guess I'll go eat a popsicle, watch the Disney Channel, play games in the park, pretend I'm just like everyone else, and hope that I'm something special.

...Created 2005-07-05 23:37:21

dotsJournal: ehh.dots
Mood: Lonely

I have a love/hate relationship with summer. You see, I'm one of those crazy kids who LIKES school. Actually, I love school. I live for it. Mainly because the people that I like to spend time with most can actually spend time with me when we're at school. For whatever reason, I'm not seeing my best friends now. And even though I'm tan and there's no stress and it's all about playing badminton in the park and watching Full House reruns, I'd really rather have school. Maybe not even that, if I could just see everyone. But no. My BFF is across the world, I have to leave soon too, and no one really even seems to care. Sucks. But I try to enjoy it. I really am trying. But I still have the same urge to cry that I had for the entire last month of school. Because even when we are back at school, it won't be the same. It's like a part of me, the best times I've ever had, all the stuff I learned is stuck there in the band room. And it feels like when I get back it will all be gone and I'll never find it again.

...Created 2005-07-01 13:28:15