Name: Danielle !
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Website:[ Education ]
Days Away: 4340
Life Story: Surreal
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Signup Date: 6723 D
18.42 Years 1.84 Quote:
"As early pioneers in the knowing, that when you lose your reason, you attain highest perfect knowing" Kerouac
Threepenny Opera by Silverdog
Children's Nightmare by PsychoBabble214
What Motivation? by Kalidoscopeeyes
total submission (revised) by birdy5005
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Thanks for the comment on 'Danielle' Funny how that's your name. I certainly appreciate all the criticism. I'm looking to possibly write another version in the future since this is the last strong emotion that I feel I can still write about. Should I do another version, I will definitely keep your comments in mind, esp about the little quirks and comparing my relationship to the relationship of the past. I'm still in the process of finding out what those quirks are so I'm not quite ready to write about them but thanks for the idea. Hope to read more of your stuff in the future.
|| Posted on 2009-05-14 08:04:14 | by jaramae - [ Reply to This ] -|
iambic tetrameter was it?
sorry if that disappoints. I know ip, but unless i'm following a specific form I just go with my ear.
suppose i might have just given myself a compliment.
|| Posted on 2009-05-11 12:10:38 | by Daniel Barlow - [ Reply to This ] -|
Dude, I think I may grow to like you very much. I read somewhere you are at writing school, or doing a literature course or some such. yup. in your journal.
Maybe I'll get some sort of an education through your comments.
The main thing i was trying to convey in the opening was a worn spirit v an ethereal one.
I agree, the last line feels like a cop out and being one of the worlds worst punctuators... well. nuff said.
Anyway, that was flippin fantastic, and I hope I can offer you something back.
|| Posted on 2009-05-11 12:06:19 | by Daniel Barlow - [ Reply to This ] -|
yeppers... and me i'm all shame faced cos i just now saw my comment on your comment. so can we assume it's safe for me to continue commenting, yes good, carry on.
|| Posted on 2009-05-08 20:19:47 | by Daniel Barlow - [ Reply to This ] -|
you know sometimes I don't think to much about my method... you comments were great because the made me aware of things that might be missing.
little girls don't. and I think the point of that statement is just to rub some salt on the indignity of it/the situation.
I'll have to work on clarity
because I meant that a father who thinks of his family beyond killing the dog is a man who does the right thing but has to let real justice slip between his fingers.
with the sun dial thing I felt it would have been easy to say that good looks away and I didn't want it to be easy, all the time people say God has a purpose etc, so I wanted to throw that in as purpose.
Also the last section is meant to portray the ones who prey on the good nature of little ones by saying they have lost their dog and asking the little girls and or boys to help look for them.
Anyway you're thoughts were most valuable and I appreciate your time.
|| Posted on 2009-04-01 23:49:28 | by Daniel Barlow - [ Reply to This ] -|
|| Posted on 2008-12-19 15:56:53 | by ever - [ Reply to This ] -|