-------------------------------------------Mood: More regretful than you'll ever know
I never thought I could feel this guilty about a death I didn't cause. I wasn't the one who poisoned Shane's mushrooms and I wasn't the one who drove him to that solution either. But I could've changed it. I could've stopped him.
We were so close growing up and we talked about the future and about earrings, music and tattoos when we got older. We just equalled out when it came to troubled homelives. But neither one of us were ever sad enough to turn to bad things.
Then when my brother got kicked out, Shane's brother stopped coming around and we just lost touch. If I had stayed with him and tried to stay near him, we'd both be alive and well.
What haunts me the most is I don't remember the last thing we said to each other. Were we happy? Fighting? And all the memories I have of us are so blurry that the only clear memory I have of his face is when we were 5 and 9 and then when he was lying in that casket. But I'm starting to forget his face...it terrifies me everyday that I wake up and I can only vaguely see him in that polished box. I don't have any pictures... 5 year olds don't take into account that your friend won't be there forever and so a lot of valuable things get lost or thrown away. Now there's nothing but a cd that I can't even listen to all the way through anymore and a card from his funeral.
The line from the song "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle says, "I'm more than just a little curious how you're planning to go about making your ammends to the dead."
I can't make my ammends now. Or ever. And I'll never know what the outcome would've been if I had.
...Created 2008-12-22 06:10:02 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ]