Journal: Que sera, sera
-------------------------------------------Mood: Dead
On Sunday, on the whim of a general thought, I changed the greeting on my cell phone to the phrase "que sera, sera". I didn't think much of it. I just did it. No reason in particular.
Since I've been out here in Wyoming, so much seems to have changed. I have an apartment with my boyfriend. I have a full-time job. My bills are in my name and not my parents. I guess I'm getting a little taste of responsibility -- and quickly. Every morning, I have to drag myself out of bed for a 8-10 hour day at the bank (credit unions are SO much better), make the meals for the day, and just take care of the things I need to. I attend online school (supposedly... I should probably actually attend every so often, eh?). I've got a full-time life, and who knows, I might even be getting myself a weekend job tomorrow. My friends and family are far away. Everything's so fucking far away. I just feel lost in a sense. It's so damn cold out here... you have no clue... and I think its more than just the weather...
Monday morning: 7:00am-5:40pm at the bank. Fricking long day that I didn't even feel like waking up. But, you know what, at least I had the option to wake up. Some people aren't so lucky. I got off work. Had 3 missed calls from my sister. Called her back. (I'm fighting back tears now) "Rolando died today, Dan" she said.
Rolando, my stepdad of 6+ years, is gone. Car accident. Flipped. Died instantly. And simply gone. "He's never coming back" my mom said. And its true (Damn... im choking up in the library and I dont even care right now).
You know, for all the arguments and stupid fights that he and I got into, I don't even care about those anymore. I'd apologize to him more than ever if I could. They all seem so trivial now. Simple everyday things now go on, and I wish that I could call him, because (not that I ever admitted it to him... no... I guess I was too proud for that), I valued his advice more than a lot of other people. I trusted him, believe it or not, very much.
Mom, Jenny.... he's gone. It's just us now. Let's fight like never before. He was brave enough to live in a house full of 3 crazy Brazilian women, let's make it worth his while. You know... its not gonna be easy. I don't have a fucking clue what to do now that he's gone. I'm no good at comforting. I'm sorry for that. But I'm here, way out here... but close to home in your hearts.
"Que sera, sera"
But let's fucking make it what it is...
Let's never give up.
I love you, Rolando. Thanks for everything...
Goodnight, and good luck.
...Created 2006-09-13 20:26:50 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ] |
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